My entire life I thought that I was someone who just didn’t have feelings. I’ve claimed to be unemotional since I can remember.
I’ve always associated that with being tough. Strong. And positive.
Recently, I think I have discovered that I have feelings. Like a whole fucking lot of feelings.
And that’s weird. And almost shameful.
I don’t quite know how to unpack that.
But you guys, I think I actually have a lot of feelings. That I’m actually extra in the feels. I have every feel. All of them. And I feel them very deeply.
Not really sure why not one of you ever told me this. In fact a lot of you have accused me of being cold. Aloof. Uncaring. About all the things in the book that mean I’m essentially a soulless being.
Not one of you was like hey wait a minute maybe she actually has some sensitivity but she was taught that feelings are bad and to store them in this box in the back of the storage unit.
I think that’s why happened. I’m an athlete from a family of athletes and by accident, I was raised to keep my emotions to myself.
To be fair I’ve also had my fair share of traumas and eventually you learn to cope because of those. You learn to protect yourself, build a front and survive.
All I know is to be super passionate and over the top, but to still keep actual feelings very much hidden. I’m not sure how that’s even worked logistically but it does and it looks like rainbows and sunshine and fierce voices but also never saying the words “I feel.”
Now I think that I have a lot of feels. I think they’ve always been there but I have not felt safe to share them. I truly associate having emotions with weakness. Even today acknowledging that is an absurd belief, I find it hard to give it up.
I am ashamed if I ever show a real emotion. Happiness and excitement are my default. But if there are tears or fear or intense anger, you need to leave the room, I need to leave the room. Someone needs to blow up this room and we all need to pretend that this never occurred.
If this were a program, I’d be at step one. Realistically I know this is unhealthy, unsustainable, and unrealistic. But I’m also really not at the point that I’ve started trying to be better. Like I have, and then I haven’t. There’s been some casual toe in the water but a really really quick foot back in the shoe and on a run somewhere else.
So where I’m at is step one. I’m admitting to me, myself, I — and the 3-5 people who read this blog that I’ve got a really big problem. And I’ve got a lot of really big emotions. I feel a lot of things very deeply. For a really long period of time.
I guess what’s next is figuring out how to not run from that.