Growing up and well into my 20’s, I hated being alone. I was always busy being everywhere because spending time alone was a really uncomfortable space for me. I have always excused it as being social and often the life of the party. Turns out - I was also really afraid of being alone and being forced to deal with the scary parts of life.
Being alone meant time to think. Think about all the things in life that were causing me anxiety, depression, fear, self loathing - all the negative things I never wanted to deal with. So I never made time to be alone.
Dont get me wrong, I am social by nature and when I think of all the things I’ve done in my life, I smile. Did I often use partying and social activities to avoid being alone? Sure. But I also partied because I enjoyed it. And I wouldn’t trade the times I’ve had with some of my best friends for anything.
I’m talking about the consistent need to always be doing something. With people I didn’t care for, doing activities I wasn’t even that interested in. There’s a difference between social and avoidance. I definitely did the latter as much as possible.
The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve grown away from that lifestyle. Partly because it’s not sustainable and partly because I want to experience everything so that I can maximize joy.
With getting older and changing, getting help for the things I’ve gone through, I’ve faced a lot of backlash. People call me not cool. Tell me Ive changed. Accuse me of not being fun anymore. Those things hurt. I won’t lie, it’s frustrating and hurtful.
I have changed. I’ve grown up. It has taken me until now to actually schedule and value me time. Sometimes doing nothing really is self care. And while people often like to give me shit for not being ‘cool’ anymore - truth is, I’m cooler than I’ve ever been because I’m strategic with my time. I value who I spend it with, and that includes time with myself.
I am so proud of myself for not only being able to sit in alone time and face the scary parts of myself, but for actually scheduling this time.
You’re right. I’m not the life of the party anymore because I’m probably not at that party. But I’m traveling. I’m cooking. I’m reading. I’m hiking. I’m at dinners. I’m at the ball game. I’m in spaces that I want to be in and that allow me to be fully present with people that matter to me.
I’m not a show anymore. I’m not the one you look to for the wild antics. I did all of those things. I was the headlining act. Now? Now I’m the star of the show I want to be in, and I won’t allow anyone to try and take that from me.