Wow. So about a week into this whole social distancing aka quarantini season - my anxiety realized - we are alone with our thoughts. Like all the time.
And that’s when the panic sit in.
One of the crutches of my anxiety is the ability to stay busy. I am the queen of avoidance, which is really how I got to my 30’s before I started dealing with managing my mental health in a truly healthy way.
Even my “chill” days are filled with workouts, cleaning, me prepping, laundry — I don’t do lazy days. There is no 5 hour Netflix binge, no “I slept all day.” It’s not a thing for me. Ever.
So here I am, 24/7, just me and my dog because I’ve got a shitty immune system, asthma, and a really strong will to live.
I don’t like it. Being forced to sit around and think about trauma, anxiety, life — that’s not an easy road I enjoy going down.
I get that it’s healthy to think and work through your issues, and most people I’m sure you sit down and do this and it’s all just this thing where butterflies fly and angels sing and then you go to Whole Foods for a smoothie or something. For me, a trip down memory and life lane can get dark.
Thats what anxiety is. It’s a dark shadow and it’s a liar. My life, it’s good. Like really good. Sure ok I’ve had my share of the bad and the weird and the ugly. And yet I’ve also been given my share of the really fucking incredible. Anxiety though, it tells you that things aren’t good. It says oh you think you have a good life? What if this happens? It could.
That’s how my brain works now. It’s a lot of immediate lefts into “but what if…” and a few of the “you should be doing this or have that…”
I think this is the part where I am supposed to say I did xyz and I’m better. But I don’t have an answer. I’m simply doing my best. I’m continuing to go to therapy (shout-out to modern technology), I’m heavy into my fitness, I’m connecting with my humans, I’m journaling(ish) — I’m using my tools.
But I’m still struggling. And to be honest, the hardest part about a global pandemic is people never think about the strong friends. Everyone’s barely hanging on, and everyone needs help, but rarely are people going to the sparkle queen to ask about her mental health.
And that’s ok. Everyone is struggling right now. Everyone. It’s ok to be scared and struggling. Use your tools. Ask for help. Offer support. Take a moment when you don’t have the capacity to help others. Show up for yourself first so you can show up for everyone else. We need you. We need me.
Mental health right now, it’s a whole lot of things. A whole lot of forced feelings. I don’t have the answer. But hopefully it helps to know you’re not alone. You matter. And yea. I still think we got this.