Growing up, I was always praised when I won. From sports to school to how I looked, when I won, I was praised.
I remember vividly the high from that. And while it was filled with the best intentions, I realized it made me internalize mg value as those things.
I needed to be the best, the prettiest, the fittest - I needed to be number one at everything.
Now that I’m very not young, and gearing up to my late 30’s, I’ve been feeling a bit like a failure. I realized that I don’t have the “best” anymore.
And while I have changes who I am and what I value, when I go through hard times — I revert back to feeling like if I’m not those things — or perceived as those things — I feel like I’m nothing.
That perceived part is what I realized I focus on. It matters to me that I’m seen as the person that’s the best and has it all.
Even if I was struggling the most when I was that “have it all” person.
I currently am not the best athlete, not the fittest, not the CEO of anything. And I’m really happy.
Who I am now, without all the things I thought I was supposed to be — is the best me I could ask for.
I loved being good at sports. I loved being conventionally attractive. I loved all of it. But knowing that I don’t need those things to have value is pretty cool too.
I’m still an athlete, I’m still cute, I’m still smart. Im still successful. If I’m surely not the best anymore.
And recently, I was struggling with self worth. I started to get insecure about where I’m at and what others think of that.
I was chatting with my therapist about it and she positioned it to me as - folks might be judging, but why does it matter?
And I don’t have an answer. I know it’s rooted in being raised by praise when I achieved things. It developed into only thinking I had value if I was those things.
But why does it matter? What do I get from that approval?
I don’t have an answer.
And that is probably an answer in and of itself.
Why does it matter?
I’m happy, mostly healthy, fulfilled, and a lot of other magical things I don’t need to share because I don’t owe anyone an explanation.
I may have moments where my inner child feels like she’s failing, but I also mostly have these incredible realizations that I have more than I ever thought possible.
Why does anything else matter?