I hate online dating. Hate it. I think it’s weird. It’s awkward. It’s wild that a large portion of people are legitimately out there looking to get some ass and use an app to solicit that. I’m judgmental as hell about it. For 1,000 other reasons we don’t have time to discuss because I’d like to get back to my topic.
Oddly the few times I’ve gone on an app like Bumble or Hinge (didn’t even know what this was until 20 minutes ago), I’ve connected with some men who have become friends of mine. Which is kind of weirder but also kind of cool becuse they’re people who have become important to me.
I just moved to a new city. The Bay Area. And so as I do whenever I move cities - I get on the dating apps because at the bare minimum Im probably going to make a friend!
And that’s where I quickly became educated on a new dating trend - ethical non monogamy. If this isn’t new to you, I’m not surprised. I’m generally behind the trends by at least 3-68 years.
Ethical non monogamy is exactly as it sounds. It’s practicing having more than one romantic relationship but in a respectful way that allows all parties to be informed and respected throughout the process.
Or as I like to call it - having your cake and eating it too. Look, I get it, it’s supposed to create a way for people to continue to have some sort of relationship with multiple partners and do it in an open and safe environment. When I was 22 we called this dating around.
You cannot convince me that it’s anything but being unwilling to commit yourself to one partner. I feel like it’s a tricky ass way to avoid telling someone “I’m not ready to give up the other people but I also don’t want to stop seeing/dating/having sex with you.” Cool?
I’m here for open relationships and dating around if that’s what you’d like to do. But don’t try to make some progressive movement out of it. I’m onto you 35 year old marina frat child who doesn’t want to give up the “good life.” You’re out here with some witchcraft term that attempts to trick me into thinking you’re being overly respectful to me when really you just want to bone my roommate too (jokes on you I don’t have a roommate).
Dating in 2018 is already hard enough. Don’t make it worse by attempting to class up the hookup culture. Listen up you little whatever generation comes after millennial - I invented “just talking” and you cannot fool me. College was a really awesome time for me too Calvin from Connecticut, but I grew the fuck up and moved on.
And when I was 23, fresh off the coed circuit and wasn’t ready to commit, I said so. I didn’t break out the sparkling rosé and attempt to create a social movement by conning you into some Ethical Non Monogamy. I ghosted you and hooked up with your roommate like the immature asshole that I was. Really sorry about that btw. Honestly, 2008 Ashley was a bit much even by her own standards.
I’m here for the millennial movement towards being in tune with the social, environmental, and political issues greatly affecting the world. I am applauding us for bringing mental health issues to the spotlight. I’m down to recycle and eat less meat. But I am not - I repeat AM NOT - here for the shady ass dating game y’all are trying to call evolved.
The only evolving this little moment has is the spreading of STD’s across the Bay Area and I am not here for that either. Ok that was a bit dramatic but also don’t read the stats promise? It’s not good.
Back to online dating. If you want to get some from the hottie on Hinge, let her know. Nobody is buying your 2AM message about respectful open relationships. We had a march, we started a hashtag, we sent a whole bunch of men folk to jail - we are not playing with your late night sorcery.
The only thing I want to be ethically non monogamous with is the shoe collection in my closet. And I’m gonna be real about it. I don’t love you. I want to see other people. Preferably in a size 8 on clearance at Nordstrom Rack.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.