When I was young, I thought I wanted to save myself for marriage. I never really knew why, it was just something I thought you were supposed to do as a woman. It didn’t come from my parents, it didn’t come from religion — I truly cannot pinpoint why I ever thought this defined my value as a woman.
And yet for a good number of years in adolescence I thought that a woman’s value as a partner meant she had to be a virgin until marriage.
The thing is, I actually vividly remember my Dad having “the talk” with me. I’m sure my mom did too, but I actively remember my dad telling me that sex would happen, and to respect my body and myself by only doing what I wanted to do and doing so safely. I have no memory of anyone in my family placing value on me or who I am as a woman based on any “virtue.” In fact, as a forever athlete and born loud and opinionated woman — I have always been told my body is my choice in all aspects of life.
Now realistically, I’m not married, and I am no virgin. And that doesn’t take away from my value as a partner. It’s also not something I regret nor will I ever. A woman’s body doesn’t belong to anyone. Certainly my sexual history matters, purely from a healthy perspective. But I’m good. All clean here folks. Other than that, if a man doesn’t accept my decisions around my body; he is not the man for me.
I started to wonder how women get their views around sex. Some of it from media of course. A lot from religion. And probably the most from their own family beliefs. So really, maybe I’m just weird and created that virginal image in my head. The point - women should be free to determine what we do with our own bodies when it comes to sex.
If it’s healthy, if it’s a choice you make for yourself, you get you 1 partner or 100 partners.
I am not shaming anyone who chooses to save themselves for marriage. That’s your right too. And I think if that’s a choice you are making for yourself of your own desire - that’s the best decision for your body. But if it’s what you do because you’re told to, that’s not a reason to wait. It’s also not a reason not to.
I want us to teach women all the facts. I want to share many stories about many different women who make many different choices. I want sex Ed to teach more than abstinence as the only option. I want women to be spoken to in a way that makes them confident enough to understand their own sexuality. And to never feel shame for whatever choices we choose to make.
I want to see more women who stand up and say maybe my choices aren’t “normal” but they’re healthy, consensual and safe — and that makes them good choices. I want women to be spoken to with respect and with the belief that we are the best people to make decisions about our own bodies. Because we sure as shit don’t need anyone else to tell us what to do with the body we exist in everyday.
Most of all, I want women to know we are worth more than our virtue. And that anyone who says differently, is not for you. You are more than the sum of who you sleep with. And you’re more than the things people want to tell you about how to use your own body. You are a whole human being capable of the hard decisions because you are the one who has to live and love with them.