I have always been the one you can count on. The friend, family member, teammate that always has your back. Sometimes, honestly often times, that means i have allowed myself to come second. Any time I have ever stood up for myself in my family, with friends, at work - I have been accused of being angry, dramatic, a bitch - you name it, I’ve heard it.
Every time, it stings the same. It hurts to be the one who is strong, and then to stand up and ask for respect and care that I deserve, to only be put down, that doesn’t feel great. Ive never felt I represented any of those feelings, and I don’t care for anyone else telling me how I feel.
A few weeks ago, my therapist asked my why wasn’t I angry? Why did I feel that was an emotion I didn’t deserve? Why do I accept the things I’ve been through as the cards I’ve been dealt in life? Why don’t I get a little angry at the people who have continued to put me in those circumstances?
I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t have any words to respond to that and I still don’t.
Part of who I am since I can remember is tough. I am strong. I can handle a lot. So I think of things I have been through as things for me to overcome. To accept and to move on. Someone always has it worse.
I never understood that I have value and deserve to focus on myself in all of this. Now that I know I am valuable, a good person, and a really good friend and family member - I want to feel respected and valued by the people in my life.
I still don’t know how to be angry about it because I don’t see anger as a useful emotion (which is honestly a whole other can of issues I’m working on, emotions don’t always have to be useful). But I do see myself pulling away from people who have treated me as selfish, dramatic, angry - because those people do not deserve me nor my time.
The people who have lashed out at me, or who’s first instinct is to belittle me, those reactions have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I notice more the people who don’t check in on me, who only come to me when they need something. I ignore the people who are just looking to take my energy. I challenge the people who attempt to take me down.
I’m not angry yet. But I’m fighting. I’m fighting for myself and to protect the amazing human that I am. I don’t blame anyone for anything I’ve gone through, but I do blame them for how they choose to treat me and the roles they’ve played before during and after those times.
Life isn’t fair, I truly don’t think I’ll ever come to a point where I say wow I deserve something better because I’ve gone through worse. But I do encourage you to find your value and understand that no matter what you go through, you don’t deserve to relive those horrible experiences through how others react to you.
Surround yourself with people who understand life is messy, and you may have a life that’s just a little messier, but they love those parts of you anyways. They treat you with respect and make an effort to be your rock because you are theirs. You might deserve to be a little angry. But above all, you deserve to be heard.