Maybe it’s because I was trained as an athlete and maybe it’s what my therapist would call my protective layer - but I have never sat and experienced emotions that don’t have purpose.
Whats that even mean? It means if it isn’t a useful emotion, I’m not sitting in it. I don’t live in anger unless it can be used to fuel me. I’m not sad unless I’ve got it on a short timer.
I have always believed that emotions needed to have purpose. It doesn’t resonate with me to just be sad or mad or happy or scared. I want to know why and then how to evolve to the next level.
Now at 33, I have recently learned that this is unhealthy. It means that I’m unable to put things behind me because I don’t fully feel the affects of them. I quickly move to more positive and ‘productive’ emotions to avoid the emotions that don’t create purposeful outcomes.
So I get that this is obvious when it’s laid out in front of me. I comprehend that not allowing myself to just feel things because I feel them has probably led me to the unhealthy relationships and experiences I’ve had throughout my life.
All the times I have pushed people away, shut down, lashed out, physically left the state - it can all be traced back to not feeling the feels. And I’ll own that.
A lot of athletes are trained to sit in this space, so I thankfully am not alone in this unhealthy lifestyle. Misery loves company y’all, I’m not tryna be the only person in this shit show.
So what do we do? We get uncomfortable. I’m allowing myself (ok I’m supposed to be allowing myself) to have feelings just to feel them. I’m supposed to stop automatically classifying a feeling and moving on from it. I’ve been directed to not limit my emotions to time periods I deem acceptable.
I’d say I’m failing at this so far. It’s not going to be a quick little transition for me. I get the purpose, I understand the problems it’s created, I’m dipping a toe in, but I’m also afraid of water so it’s going to take a minute.
Emotions are messy. It’s impossible to expect them to exist in a scientific place. You can’t control how you feel all the time or even for how long. It’s not realistic. As the cool kids tell me, it’s ok to feel the feels.