You know those people who forget to answer texts? Never call back? Are always hard to get ahold of?
That’s not me.
I have always felt an intense need to respond immediately. Texts, calls, emails, carrier pigeon — I’m answering you pretty much immediately.
I’ve thought about why I’m like this and I think it’s a need to be everything to everyone. It’s less about people pleasing and more about needing to be the go to for everyone in every category. I’m your girl from work to advice to family — I have always been the one you know you can count on.
That takes a lot out of a person. For one, it’s exhausting. It’s also impossible. And highly unhealthy.
I know I’m not the only one. I talk about growing up an athlete a lot. And what its like to not be one anymore. For a lot of us, it means growing up with a lot of expectations. You are expected to be the best. Work the hardest. Perform perform perform. That’s what this is for me. A continuation of the need to constantly be on. I feel true anxiety when I do not respond to things essentially “right away.” You really won’t find me sitting on an email, a text, or a response to anyone.
I’ve finally gotten to a point that it’s become toxic for my life. Being in the middle of a pandemic, where emotions are heightened and my own mental health has been a struggle — I cannot be everything to everyone. It would break me.
I have started to tell the people around me the way I am feeling and that I need to step back at time. I know that normal people don’t do this. You don’t explain why you take an acceptable amount of time to respond, or not to respond at all. Maybe one day I’ll be that way too, but for now it’s a big step for me to even say hi I need to take time for me and I can’t respond to your emails or texts.
So far, the response has been positive. And that’s a huge relief. Because no matter what I feel, or the relationship I have with people — I am relentlessly loyal and forever an athlete. I don’t know how to let the team down. If I feel I’m letting the team down, that’s the ultimate failure.
What I have failed to look at though is that I am a teammate too. I am deserving of the same loyalty and respect that I give to others. Not necessarily in that same way because I truly think I can have an unhealthy level of commitment to the team — but I deserve a team who says hell yea girl, take your time, take care of you.
I have always heard that saying — you can’t take care of others unless you take care of yourself first. And I get that. I read it, I see it — and ya I have never internalized it. Until now. Because I’ve been on empty. I’m just doing my best. I think most of us are.
I get it, you want to be the go to. The team captain. The reliable all star. You can be those things but you can’t be them all the time, for everyone. And you’ve got to be them for the home team first.