A few months ago I was out at a bar in Dallas and stepped outside to take a FaceTime from a friend in London when a drunk man walked by, grabbed my butt with two hands, and ran away. I immediately turned around and screamed at him to come back. That what he'd done was not okay. His friend came over to me, grabbed my arm and apologized for his friends behavior - blaming alcohol. Whipping my arm from his grasp I began to launch into a lecture about how alcohol is not an excuse to touch someone without their consent. The friend laughed, told me to calm down. Soon enough, security came over to find out why I was so upset. After explaining what happened, the drunk and his friend were escorted out of the bar. The security guard apologized. I remember his words distinctly "You know how drunk men can be." Exasperated, feeling violated, and quite frankly angry - I responded that as a victim of sexual assault, I unfortunately do. And because of people like you, having the attitude that you do, it's very likely I will know what that feels like again.
When I sat down to write about this story, I realized every time I spoke it out loud, I was justifying why I felt and reacted the way I did. And that's the problem. I was physically violated, in a very sexual way - and yet I feel the need to justify my outrage. That's a really big problem. Why do we live in a culture where the victim has to explain why being touched without her consent makes her feel angry and scared and unsafe? Not just why, but how did we get here and how do we change that culture?
Unfortunately my experience is not a rarity. How many times are we women out at a bar or a sporting event or festival and a man "accidentally" grabs onto you as he makes his way through the crowd or claims hes "just trying to get by?" How many times have men brushed up against your backside or even your breasts? And how many times have you felt uncomfortable in those situations and said nothing? Even justified it as an accident to yourself. Let it go because everyone was drunk. Excused it as just what being at a bar was like.
Maybe I've become an angry old grump at the ripe age of 31 - but I don't believe that's what being at a bar should be like for a woman. Let me stop myself right there - I just qualified my feelings again. I am not a grump because I want to feel safe and respected. I am a human being who deserves to enjoy a drink - even several drinks - at a bar, with my friends or with myself, without having my personal space invaded. Without fear of assault. Of being touched by someone who is just too drunk. I want to spend my money on beers and rose like the rest of the world without worrying about inappropriate behavior because that bar has my back.
I'm tired of bars using being drunk as an excuse for everything. As the provider of the alcohol it's legally (and morally) on you to be responsible for not over serving anyone who is too intoxicated. I can't tell you how many times I've seen absolutely hammered people continuing to order and be served drinks at a bar. That's just stupid. It's not worth the $12 to put yourself in that kind of situation. From a business perspective, the better, safer, more responsible environment you provide - the more the young professional crowd is going to frequent your establishment. And those are the people with the money. Not the 22 year old Sac State student who comes for happy hour. From a reputation perspective - when you create a space everyone feels equally respected - women will talk - we love to talk - we will tell our friends and you will start to see new regulars.
Let's recap - creating a place where women have the opportunity to reach out and say "I'm uncomfortable" is both a good business decision and it will boost your reputation, again increasing your bottom line. Now ignore business. Think about creating a place that women feel safe from a purely doing the right thing standpoint. Become the business that values women because you care about women as human beings. Create a culture that values equality and the age old concept of treating others as you wish to be treated. And then see your business grow, your community flourish, and your overall quality of life thrive.
It's 2017 - it's time we held our businesses accountable for the space in which they provide to consumers. And to do this, we need to hold ourselves accountable for respecting the safe spaces these businesses are to create. .