Being a woman is a lot of seeing and experiencing things that range from mildly uncomfortable to wildly inappropriate and then the internal struggle of how to handle that. And then dealing with the repercussions of those actions.
I've certainly experienced my fair share of the more serious side of these interactions. Some of them, I've spoken up about and fought back against. Some, I have dealt with privately, without holding anyone accountable.
Innately - I am someone who speaks up. And that's a really weird burden to carry.
The older and more confident I get. The more injustices, no matter how small or large, that I see and face, the more I am emboldened to say no, it's not okay.
Recently, I was faced with a situation at work in which a senior employee presented a highly inappropriate piece to the team in a meeting. The shocked, offended, and awkwardness in the room was palpable. Afterwards, most of us expressed our discomfort to each other in person or via text. In the days that followed, I couldn't get the experience out of my mind.
I spoke up to a senior employee and expressed my concerns and that I'd like the situation to be brought to HR. While I'm not going to dive into the details of what happened from here, I will talk about my feelings from the experience - because that's the important piece to focus on.
Throughout this time I questioned myself - was I overreacting? I felt anxiety over the repercussions to me for speaking up. I felt guilt for the repercussions to the employee who acted inappropriately. I felt like I was just another woman who couldn't take a joke. I had doubt in the process. I had frustrations for being made to feel like I shouldn't report the incident. I felt angry the senior person didn't report this on their own.
I think it's quite common for both men and women to laugh off these situations. I think for women especially, we are made to feel like it's our fault. Whether we were dressing a certain way, working in a "boys club" style industry, we were drunk, we made a joke, we didn't say anything at the time. Instead of saying I am so sorry you felt that way, I am so sorry you experienced this, it's not OK - we say prove it. We ask women if they're overreacting, if they're being sensitive, even spiteful.
While I encourage every woman to handle these incidents however you feel most comfortable, I do challenge you to speak up. It's exhausting, terrifying, and it comes with conflict. But if you expect to change this culture for your future daughters, sisters, friends, and really just women in general - you have to take on some of the responsibility to fight back.
I'm not saying make a federal case out of every situation. I'm simply saying pay attention. When you see something, say something. Be brave enough to say what you did was not OK, it made me uncomfortable. And if it is serious enough, report it.
Being a woman carries its burdens. Being a really loud woman is my burden to carry. I'm called a troublemaker, a bitch, a feminist (in the most negative of connotations) - I've been told that I'm too loud, too bossy, too sensitive. The things is, I've been in a male dominated industry for most of my life. I can hang with the best of them. But there's a difference between funny and disrespectful. Joke with me, poke fun at me, I can take it. Degrade me, disrespect me, and you'll get shut down.
Decide if the burden of speaking up is harder to carry or if the burden of staying silent is something you can take. For me, speaking up is worth whatever comes at me because staying silent is a greater shame to bear.