Speak Up.

In the last year, I’ve spent a lot of time speaking up for women. About 6 years ago, I worked in an incredibly toxic environment. I walked away broken and convinced that was the end of it. That’s just the way it was and I needed to move on.

Fast forward to about 5 years later where a story was published detailing everything that happened over a 15+ year history of that company. To hundreds of us. Things folks kept saying were unbelievable, disgusting and hard to process. And we lived it.

There were of course many who had awful things to say. They didn’t believe us, we weren’t “pretty” enough to be sexually harassed or that’s what we get for being women in sports. But for the most part, I received hundreds of messages of support.

This led me to keep speaking up. Openly. Regardless of being legally bound not to.

And again the feelings of anger around others not speaking up really frustrated me. Infuriated me even. Because that’s what happened when I was there. People stood by and watched the abuse happen.

And here they were now, asking me for advice and support as the truth was exposed.

If this time has taught me anything, it’s that my one not famous, not important voice means something. It can help affect change.

I feel empowered by the outcome of this situation.

I’m also really inspired by others who have chosen to speak up. Women who experienced a whole lot of racism, misogyny and assault and decided to be brave. And while women do not owe you shit, it is still so incredible to hear them yell.

The only way we make change is by speaking up. By refusing to sit back and take it.

In times of injustice. Speak up. Use your voice to affect change. Where there’s one, there’s more. Take the time to share your stories with others. Listen when they feel brave enough to share theirs with you. Be a resouce for support and for teaching women to demand better.

I am deeply invested in seeing women win. In thriving. I spoke up because I want no other woman to ever experience what I did.

Please, speak up.

Know Her Name

Before #MeToo began, there was the Brock Turner case. If you’re unfamiliar with this case, get familiar with it. This case impacted me greatly. And it’s a huge reason I chose to speak out about my own experience. Because we had not jumped into the #MeToo movement, there were a lot of really ignorant people yelling about drinking, blaming the survivor, not wanting to “ruin HIS life” - etc. Every bullshit excuse in the book for why this man actively chose to sexually assault this woman. Make no mistake, this man is a rapist and he deserves every punishment that comes with that.

Unfortunately, due to an incompetent judge, he was given such a light sentence that the judge was later voted out of office. This case also led to sentencing minimums. Perhaps the most powerful part of this entire horrific situation was the survivor’s impact statement.

To this day, the writing, the emotion, everything - it gives me chills. It breaks me down to tears because there are so many moments that I think a lot of sexual assault survivors can relate to. Not to mention how much you can feel her own emotions in every word.

Since 2016, we have not known her name. Rightfully she chose to remain anonymous to heal and to forgo having to deal with the vicious people who blamed her for ruining a “young man’s life.” But now, we know her name.

Chanel Miller.

Chanel has used her trauma to speak up for herself and others. She has written a book that is being released later this month that I cannot wait to read. I know it will be triggering but I want to support this strong woman in her willingness to speak up for not only herself but every woman who has gone through this.

There is nothing more powerful than refusing to let your own traumas determine how they will affect your life. The truth is, these traumatic events do not leave you. You do not wake up one day and forget about them. You heal by deciding to deal with how they made you feel physically and emotionally, and you refuse to let them ruin your life. I truly cannot imagine what this woman has endured. To deal with such a horrifying sexual assault to then have that splashed all over the media, I don’t know if I could do what she’s done.

But every single time a woman stands up for herself, she’s standing up for women everywhere. That means something. We have to continue to speak up, stand up and shake our fists when sexual assault is excused as just boys being boys or we blame alcohol or we blame women who choose to have multiple partners. It has to stop. The problem is and always has been - the culture of allowing sexual assault to take place.

I plan to continue being very loud for myself, for my friends, for women I’ve never met - for Chanel - because the safety of women matters. Respect for women and our bodies matters.

I used to think of myself as a victim of sexual assault. But I grew up, I grew educated and I grew strong. I am not a victim and I never will be. I am a survivor, and advocate and I am a force to be reckoned with.

Speak Up

I am so obsessed with David Letterman’s Netflix show in which he interviews various prominent personalities in the world. I recently watched the episode with Ellen in which she so candidly spoke about her childhood trauma being sexually abused at the hands of her stepfather. The thing that stuck with me most was when she talked about women not having a voice.

So often we are made to feel small. We can’t speak up because we are too bossy. We must smile and offer opinions, but nothing too over the top. It’s okay to dismiss a romantic advancement but don’t be too pushy or you’re not that pretty anyways. Women are constantly taught to stay in our lane or be knocked off the track.

I’m a confident, very opinionated - woman. And yet there are still many times in which I have to stop and question when I should speak up. How much I should say. The tone I take. First and foremost for my own physical safety. But also because how I respond matters. It matters in relationships, at work, in public - how I use my voice is scrutinized in every setting simply because I am a woman.

Some people wonder why we are now having so many women speak up about sexual harassment and assault. They say we have to be making it up because how is this “all the sudden” happening everywhere we turn? Men are “afraid” to be around women at work and in bars because they “don’t want to be accused of being a bad guy.”

This stuff isn’t new. It’s been happening for hundreds of years. We just haven’t been able to use our voices to say stop. We have been belittled to the point of questioning whether or not we did make something a big deal. Maybe we were mistaken. Sure it was bad but I’m okay now so is it really that big of a deal? We talk ourselves out of feeling offended or taken advantage of or abused because we don’t get the voice that men do in life.

When people in the spotlight come forward, when everyday women use their voices to say no more, women collectively get to raise our voices. We get to all feel like it’s okay to speak a little louder. Turn up the volume on the representation.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, America was not built for women. Women are not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. And so society as we know it was not built to keep women in mind. We don’t get a voice according to the forefathers.

Women were not given a voice in the world. And so we started out silent. But we are finding our voices now. And I sure as hell hope we continue to turn the volume up.

A Woman's Burden

Being a woman is a lot of seeing and experiencing things that range from mildly uncomfortable to wildly inappropriate and then the internal struggle of how to handle that.  And then dealing with the repercussions of those actions.  

I've certainly experienced my fair share of the more serious side of these interactions.  Some of them, I've spoken up about and fought back against.  Some, I have dealt with privately, without holding anyone accountable.

Innately - I am someone who speaks up.  And that's a really weird burden to carry.  

The older and more confident I get.  The more injustices, no matter how small or large, that I see and face, the more I am emboldened to say no, it's not okay.  

Recently, I was faced with a situation at work in which a senior employee presented a highly inappropriate piece to the team in a meeting.  The shocked, offended, and awkwardness in the room was palpable.  Afterwards, most of us expressed our discomfort to each other in person or via text.  In the days that followed, I couldn't get the experience out of my mind.

I spoke up to a senior employee and expressed my concerns and that I'd like the situation to be brought to HR.  While I'm not going to dive into the details of what happened from here, I will talk about my feelings from the experience - because that's the important piece to focus on.  

Throughout this time I questioned myself - was I overreacting?  I felt anxiety over the repercussions to me for speaking up.  I felt guilt for the repercussions to the employee who acted inappropriately.  I felt like I was just another woman who couldn't take a joke.  I had doubt in the process.  I had frustrations for being made to feel like I shouldn't report the incident.  I felt angry the senior person didn't report this on their own.  

I think it's quite common for both men and women to laugh off these situations.  I think for women especially, we are made to feel like it's our fault.  Whether we were dressing a certain way, working in a "boys club" style industry, we were drunk, we made a joke, we didn't say anything at the time.  Instead of saying I am so sorry you felt that way, I am so sorry you experienced this, it's not OK - we say prove it.  We ask women if they're overreacting, if they're being sensitive, even spiteful.  

While I encourage every woman to handle these incidents however you feel most comfortable, I do challenge you to speak up. It's exhausting, terrifying, and it comes with conflict.  But if you expect to change this culture for your future daughters, sisters, friends, and really just women in general - you have to take on some of the responsibility to fight back.   

I'm not saying make a federal case out of every situation.  I'm simply saying pay attention.  When you see something, say something.  Be brave enough to say what you did was not OK, it made me uncomfortable.  And if it is serious enough, report it.  

Being a woman carries its burdens.  Being a really loud woman is my burden to carry.  I'm called a troublemaker, a bitch, a feminist (in the most negative of connotations) - I've been told that I'm too loud, too bossy, too sensitive.  The things is, I've been in a male dominated industry for most of my life.  I can hang with the best of them.  But there's a difference between funny and disrespectful.  Joke with me, poke fun at me, I can take it.  Degrade me, disrespect me, and you'll get shut down.  

Decide if the burden of speaking up is harder to carry or if the burden of staying silent is something you can take.  For me, speaking up is worth whatever comes at me because staying silent is a greater shame to bear.

Faith in Humanity

I don't know about you, but I'm still exhausted from the state of politics, the POS excuse of a leader our country has, and the state of violence, racism, and hatred in society.  Every day I log onto social media or read the news, I feel a bit depressed, angry, and defeated.  I don't want to ignore the work that needs to be done in the world because we have a long way to go, but I do want to take a moment to highlight some of the good in the world lately.

It is my hope you will read these stories and be inspired to keep fighting for what's right, spreading kindness, and building strength to keep speaking up against injustice.

Waffle House Hero

Black Men Arrested at Starbucks

Ryan Shazier

There are so many stories of inspiration lately.  From the students standing up against gun violence to the teachers who are fighting for the wages they deserve, there's a lot to feel empowered by.  Start small if you have to, but stay strong and keep looking for the good - it will inspire you to do more and believe that you can achieve big things if you just have the courage to try.

Loud Mouth

I'm not one of those people who can stay quiet.  I don't mind my own business.  When I see injustices - whether it pertains to me or not - I speak up.  This has definitely gotten me in trouble a number of times.  It's made my journeys in life, in relationships, and at work - often harder than they have to be.  

I'm not really sure if it's a good or bad trait to have.  Sometimes, it's utterly exhausting.  I have spent many hours wishing I could be different.  At the end of the day - good or bad - I was born with an inherent need to speak up.

Quite honestly - I don't know many people who feel the way I feel about speaking up.  Sure, we are in a time of social and political activism and I have a lot of friends who thankfully feel the need to stand against those injustices.  But in the everyday world, I don't know a lot of people who say back off to the bullies, who tell their bosses when things aren't right, who say this is small but it's not right and I don't want to put up with it.

Realistically, life would be a lot easier if I let the little things go.  Certainly my life would be a little bit smoother if I was able to sit back and shut up.  I wholeheartedly wish I could.  Maybe some day I'll grow and mature and that's where it stems from.  And yet, another part of me feels a bit of pride fighting for the little things so that one day, maybe they'll stop the big things.  

Do any of you know disruptive people in your life?  What do you think about the incessant need to speak up?