When I left LA, I left with a whole lot of feelings for a man I reconnected with. It took me a good two years to finally close that chapter of my life. But boy did I slam that door shut.
I don’t think he reads this, so I feel safe in talking about it because I think it’s a story that many women can relate to. And if he does read this, whatever, I’m going to write it anyways.
Full transparency - we were never anything “official” as the kids are calling these days. We existed in this weird ambiguous role that I think a lot of our generation exists in when it comes to romance. We both knew the feelings were there, but circumstances made so it didn’t work. At least, that’s what I liked to tell myself.
The more I examined the situation, the more I realized I loved the idea of blaming it on timing and living in different states. The truth is, when we both lived in LA, I made an effort to make it happen, and he didn’t reciprocate that effort. I started to look at who made contact and who really put themselves out there and you know what I found? That was me.
It seemed the only time he was willing to be open about his feelings for me was when he felt safe doing so. As it turns out, that was when I moved far away and sigh when he had a girlfriend. Yes folks, he slipped into the DM’s at one point. Even tried to excuse it as just a friend complimenting a friend (I cannot roll my eyes any harder).
That was it for me. And while I should have just hit the block and walked away, I didn’t. I was extremely open and adamant about his unacceptable behavior, the way I felt I was the only one who ever really put that effort in, and that his excuses were bullshit. Because they were. The situation he put me in, put his current girlfriend in, it wasn’t cool.
Let me tell you, that — felt — MF amazing. AND THEN - I hit that block.
Am I over him and the situation? Probably not yet. I still have that nagging feeling of what could have been. But knowing he had a girlfriend and acted that way with me shows me that he isn’t the man I need him to be. And he’s not deserving of a woman like me in the stage of his life he’s in. I’m not sure when that feeling goes away - the one we women tell ourselves “he’s going to come back and apologize and be wonderful” — Again eye roll for miles!
What’s the lesson here? First of all, if he slips into your DM’s, run. JK JK - but seriously who does that?
Second - know your worth and don’t settle for less. Put your pedicured foot down and say not today Satan. Either treat me with the respect and care I deserve or get to stepping so someone else can. Because someone else WILL. You teach people how to treat you.
It’s hard and ripping off the bandaid sucks. I’ve wanted to reach out countless times since I blocked him and say something about how he made me feel and to not lose that connection. Maybe to prove to myself his feelings were real? Maybe even to prove to myself he cares. Truth bomb though? It doesn’t matter. It won’t change anything. So I don’t. I move on. Day by day. LOL at how dramatic that sounds.
I think as women, especially as we get older, we make excuses. We start to think we are too picky or worry we are limiting our chance at happiness. So we settle. Stop it. Stop making excuses and stop settling. Don’t romaticize the situation when there’s nothing romantic about it. He’s not leaving her for you. He’s not changing who he is for you. You know when you’re doing it and you know what you have to do to stop it. So do it.
If you know me well, you’re probably surprised by how much I’m like you in the fears and insecurities I have with relationships. I come off as very strong, confident - and yea - I MF AM! But I’m also human. And I think the more women say to each other “I feel that too,” the more we normalize our fears and learn to combat the negative affects they can play in our lives. We put up with less shit when we have friends who say “I’ve been there, let me help you.”.
Always remember — Woman up and do what’s best for you.