The Single Life

AS soon as I was old enough to realize I liked men, I spent my time flirting with, dating, and at times collecting them for my roster. From age 13 to 30 (fine, 32ish), I was not single. I might not have always been in a relationship, but I was never truly single.

In my early 30’s, I stopped working so hard to have men around me. I stopped engaging with the guys that I kept around just to feed my ego. I stopped prioritizing my worth and desirability on how many men found me so. And I started prioritizing how desirable I found myself.

Most humans probably did this when they were younger. They didn’t really date until their 20’s and by 30, settled down and got married and did the two car garage two kids thing. But I’ve never really been a conventional babe.

I’ve always had a big personality. It’s not that I’ve never expressed my bold ways. But I had been athletic, pretty, skinny, smart, funny — all the things people told me, not that I knew about myself —so I sort of just fell into those roles.

I loved a lot of those things, and they’ve helped make me the woman I am today, but I also fit myself into spaces because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.

Dating and relationships have always been one of the bigger boxes to fit into for me. I’ve really struggled with retraining my brain to break from the ideas society taught me growing up.

As independent, adventurous, and happy as I genuinely am — I cannot express enough that I absolutely have moments where I freak out because I’m single. There’s still a small part of me that says without a partner, you are less worthy.

And that’s hard for me to say out loud.

What is more common though is I’ve learned to absolutely thrive.

Learning to sit in being single has been the most rewarding (and challenging) thing I have ever done. I know who I am (and am ever evolving). I am confident in what I want and I’ve taken the time to figure out what that is, independent of anyone else’s influence.

I am also significantly more private when I do date. So private that I really don’t talk about it at all.

I think a lot of people wonder why I’ve been single so long. Being 35, people have questions. They like to ask at weddings when mine will be.

Truth be told, no idea if or when I’ll get married.

I do know that I’m the happiest I have ever been with who I am at 35. I believe all the good things people have told me about myself and I’ve even added some more that I tell myself. I care less about what other people have to say about me in general and more about what I think of myself.

I do more of what makes me comfortable and happy rather than relying on what others tell me I should do to make others comfortable and happy.

I have made myself and my full life the guiding force in everything I do.

And while that confuses some people, while others want to assume single means unhappy, that isn’t my business. Their inability to understand my life is not for me to worry about.

If one day the right person comes along and I decide to keep him longer than a few weeks, I’m very open to that. I’m more open and in a place to accept real love than I’ve ever been before. That also means I’m not willing to extend time or energy on anything or anyone that doesn’t make me feel sparkly inside.

For me, that’s the best I could ever hope for in life. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be happy, fulfilled, and excited to experience each day. I can honestly say that most of my days are spent feeling this way.

And while I’ve got more growing and self discovery to do, I’m pretty damn happy with where I’m at and where I’m headed. Single or not. I’ve got a whole lot of living to do.

Happy Birthday to ME!

I am 34 today! Which seems wildly old and wildly young all at the same time!

I love a good celebration of birth. Since I was a wee sequin, I really got on board with celebrating birthdays to the max. I just love a good day of sparkles and happiness and focusing on me!

It’s also such a fun way to reflect on the year before, the year ahead, and all that entails.

This year was completely unexpected. I left Texas to move back to Northern California to work in an entirely new industry, entirely new role, and to a job I didn’t even apply to. I was actively looking for a new role, but to be recruited by one of the biggest brands in the world was both terrifying and flattering all at once.

I sincerely had no idea what this year would bring and no expectations on this life change.

It’s been all the things. A blessing, a challenge — and all of the in between too. I don’t know if staying in the Bay Area is really the best fit for me long term, but for the first time, I do feel like I’m with a company I want to stay with long term.

Personally, I’ve worked harder than ever before to commit to therapy, actively put myself before work, and get out of my comfort zone with travel/friendships/relationships.

I actually struggled a lot with feeling “old” and having to fit into societal norms of what that means, something I never really thought I’d struggle with. But 34 seems like a weirdly better age than 33? I don’t know why and I realize that makes no sense, but neither do I.

34 feels like it’s going to be a freaking cool year because of all the possibilities in life. I’m traveling more, I’m going after the next step in my career at Google Cloud, and I’m saying yes more to the things I need to be healthy and happy.

Age is just a number, but I’m an athlete. And to us, numbers are everything. They’re the wins, the loses, the identity - the truly define our world. I’ll never grow out of identifying numbers with positives and negatives.

So for 34, I’m giving a cheers to me, myself, I and all the adventures to come! How lucky am I to be in a place that all my dreams are not only possible, they’re something I can see in front of me?

And for those of you who know that every year on my birthday I check something off my bucket list, I’m spending the day in a true spa day! I’ve never been able to manage the financials nor the time of a spa day but this year, I am making that happen!

Missed Opportunities

I am certain I have already met my husband. A few times.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soulmates. And I know that I have met at least two, maybe three men I could have married and had a perfectly wonderful life with. Sincerely. Not even an OK life with one, a really amazing life.

Yet timing is everything. And I’m not sure at those stages in my life, I would have been ready for that level of commitment.

And lately it has me wondering, just how many opportunities do you get in life to miss out on your happily ever after?

I don’t subscribe to what is meant to be is yours. I firmly believe we are active participants in our stories and timing can play a role, but you also have to be the lead character in order to secure your storybook ending.

I take full ownership for the fact that I was unable to make commitments to these men when they were presented to me as possible ever afters. Two of them are married, happily. And I root for them so much because they are good people. Their spouses are some of the best women. I actively cheer for them.

And yet at 33, I wonder, is my story going to be that I missed my opportunity for a leading man?

Growing up, I had the vision that I’d get married, have 2.5 children - do all the things we are taught to do. And yet, the older I get, the more I find that vision might not be what I really want.

I’m not willing to compromise. I don’t want to be the 50% statistic that ends in divorce. I don’t want to wait for a significant other when I could be out making my own adventure. I don’t think I want to ever be pregnant. I think about adopting.

I love the idea of doing life with a partner. But I also have started to think about life as my own partner.

The fact is I don’t like online dating. I don’t want to spend my time chasing men or waiting in places I think they’ll be at. I want to continue to grow, travel, smile, laugh, and make the most out of what time I have on this Earth. And if someone comes along and fits into that, I’m open to it.

Being 33 and single, it can feel hard. It can feel shameful. It’s a society that teaches you the end goal is to build a life together, check off all the boxes.

Some of us have different boxes we’d like to check off.

I’d like to encourage you to do what works for you. And only you.

We all miss opportunities. But I think we create new ones by choosing to see those original opportunities as cards we chose not to draw.

Dating Around

It was pointed out to me recently that I quite often talk about dating and relationships in the past, but rarely discuss my present romantic status. Short answer, I know. Long answer, this is not an accident.

I am a fiercely private person. I understand that makes no sense given that I write a very public blog about some very personal things. Like all social media and online presence, I curate the experience you have by choosing what to share and what to keep to myself.

Growing up, I was a very open person about who I was dating. You could easily tell my status at any given time because I’ve probably posted about it on all my social media platforms. As I’ve grown and matured, I have realized how much I value my privacy in romantic relationships. There are simply very few people I share my romantic life with.

Here’s why:

1. Relationships are hard

   Relationships are really hard. Everyone has baggage they carry. Allowing the outside world transparency into your relationship is only going to add to the complicated nature love entails. When you are constantly posting about your partner and your relationship, you are inviting drama into your home. The most private details of your partnership should be between you and your mate. That’s it. Save those personal matters for your home and avoid unnecessary interference from outsiders. When you make your whole relationship open to others and social outliers, the drama that comes to you, that’s on you. Relationships are hard, don’t make them harder.

2. You know you best

   Everyone has an opinion. The thing about opinions is they are often not based on the whole story. We vent to our friends. We give them the rose colored glasses. There is nobody engaged in your everyday relationship except you and your partner. Allowing other opinions to guide your choices and actions is just going to lead you astray. It’s fine to bitch and moan and ask for advice, but don’t allow those to be your truth. You know you best, that is your guiding light.

3. Expectations are everywhere

   Society has expectations around everything. Depending on your life stage, age, length of time you’ve been dating (the list goes on) - society has an expectation. If you’ve been together 3 years, why aren’t you married? If you’re married, when are you having kids? As much as we try to pretend they don’t matter, those expectations weigh on us. WHY aren’t I married? WHEN will I get pregnant? Back to #1, relationships are hard, don’t let society make them harder by forcing you into expectations you don’t have for yourself.

4. None of your business

   Straight talk - my relationships are not your business. I owe you nothing. I own my story and the relationships in my life and they are for me to dictate. That’s my power. It’s my life. It’s truly none of your business.

I’m dating. I’m not dating. I’m talking to someone. I’m talking to multiple people. I’m talking to nobody. I’m in a relationship. I’m single. I’m all of these things at any given moment since I began this journey. I will continue to write about my experiences. It’s an avenue for me to grow and learn and I value the relationships I build with my readers. But honestly, you’ll probably think I’m single until I announce I’ve gotten married on a mountain in Portugal one Summer. Part of my growing and building self love is owning my love life as mine and mine only. There is no power greater than being able to own your story for yourself because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. 

Greater Expectations

As a follow up to expectations I wanted to talk about how to show people what you expect of them. Something I struggle greatly with is showing people how I deserve to be treated. I think this is a multi step system and I’ve been stuck on step one for 33 years.

Everyone talks about treating others as you wish to be treated. I got that part down. Like I’m really good at being a good human. I prioritize people and relationships that are important to me. I go above and beyond to show people I care. I’m your teammate when you need me. I’m sincerely tops at this part of the whole show people how you want to be treated. If this were a review at work, I would test off the scale in this category. Bonuses everywhere.

The place that I fail and should be fired at is when others don’t reciprocate this treatment, I don’t move on. I’m unsure if nobody shared this with me but if you very clearly show people how you wish to be treated and they do not treat you in this manner, you need to take back your energies and utilize them elsewhere. That shit blows my mind.

If I’m being the most best awesome friend, partner, colleague, mentor - WHATEVER - and it’s not being reciprocated, I need to move on. If you’ve shown someone, told someone, given them time to give you the same energy and care you give them, and they still don’t, that’s on you. They have shown you your worth to them and all you are showing them is that they can walk all over you and you will not leave.

Is this something ya’ll knew and nobody slipped me a memo?

I’m telling you, my world has changed. It’s certainly a struggle, but it’s a huge relief to take back my sparkle and use it on relationships with people who have decided I am worth their same energy. I never realized how much of my time and emotions I allowed to be controlled and drained by other people.

I’ve started to pull away the commitment I’ve given to some relationships and expended that energy on myself and those around me who don’t drain me. And it is wildly fulfilling. I’m less moody, I have more time to enjoy good people, and I am confident because I’m not being dragged down by relationships that don’t spark joy. Yea, back to that whole Marie Kondo Hunger Games edition. It works guys, really really works.

When you think about it, it’s simple. Time is energy. When you put a lot of time into relationships that aren’t creating equal value, the energy is really negative. So a lot of time, a lot of negative equals a lot of not feeling awesome. I think scientifically that’s how it’s classified.

Ultimately people prioritize their relationships based on the value they feel that person brings to their world. If you bring a lot of value and joy to someone’s life, they aren’t letting that go. If they let you go, it’s no knock on you, it’s just not the right human connection for you. Wish them well, let them go, and find your joy.

We should have greater expectations of others, but we should also have them of ourselves.

BIG Mood

Ya’ll, I am happy.

Truly, wildly, happy.

I’ve not ever felt at peace and sort of wondered if life was always just a dramatic series of things are ok but not great. But things are great.

To me that simply means I feel happy.

In all honesty, work has everything to do with it. They say work isn’t everything, and whoever they are, they’re right. But work takes up a really large portion of our time so when that isn’t good, it affects everything.

Let’s take a pulse check -

Most days, I’m home by 430. I don’t work on weekends for the first time in 12 years. My workday is mine to create. If I need to work from home, I can. Need to go to a doctor appointment? Just go.

That leaves me a lot of time to do the things that keep me feeling my happiest self. I feel full and complete. I workout everyday. I cook dinner. I can meet with friends during the week. I can fly to visit people and join adventures without worrying about a weekend work trip. I can do all the things y’all

So I’m happy.

I keep up with shows. I make plans. I am invested with therapy. All of the things that make me feel whole, I get them done in the day and still have time to relax.

Is this the life ya’ll been living and I’ve been missing out? I never understood how people got everything done and had these vibrant social lives. I get it now.

I’m having a really BIG MOOD.

There’s obviously still times that are more stressful, nights I don’t get home until later - but that’s few and far between. It used to be my normal. My new normal is having a full life.

I keep wondering how my writing will evolve as I am a happier, healthier me. I have less time to write, but writing is still important to me. Stay tuned sequins, I have a feeling this mood is here to stay…and I hope you’ll continue with me on this journey!

Great Expectations

I have really high standards for myself as a human being. What I have discovered is that not everyone else lives by those standards. For awhile I lived by trying to be more understanding of others who do not meet my expectations. At 33, I’m not playin anymore.

I have reasonable expectations when it comes to those closest to me. When I spent time to try to lower my expectations, I was disappointed every time. I simply cannot expect less. It’s not for me.

So I’ve started pulling away from people who don’t step up to meet my needs. I’m asking for the basics - to be treated with respect, be valued, and be given the time and energy I give to others.

It’s been quite the journey. I have had to start first with myself and stop extending the extra energy to those who do not meet my give. As someone who doesn’t know how to do anything half way, it’s been trying to say the least.

The idea of showing people how I deserve to be treated never sunk in like it has in recent. I always understood it as go the extra mile regardless. But when those around me do not meet the level of investment I have in them, I walk away. Ok it’s kind of a slow crawl right now.

The people who truly value me, they’ll make the time to step up. Those who don’t notice or who do not step up, well, the situation works itself out. That speaks volumes in and of itself.

I’ve been told by many people that I can’t expect so much of others and quite frankly, those are people who don’t expect enough of themselves. I’ve met people who meet my energy, care, and commitment to others. Those are my people. Those are the people I deserve. And that’s where I’ll be investing my sparkle energies.

If you’re the type who likes minimal involvement and minimal effort, I’m not the friend for you. And that’s ok. The whole point of this piece is to say whatever you give, make sure you get it back. Whether that be a deeply connected relationship or a passing acquaintance - match the energies. Give and get, it needs to fill up your bucket or let it go.

Match vibe for vibe, ya dig?

People should have expectations. I have a lot of them. I think that society could use a whole lot more expectations in order to keep us accountable. That’s probably a whole other blog for a whole new day in all honesty.

Bottom line people? You give what you get, you get what you give - make sure whatever that connection looks like - it doesn’t leave you empty or wishing for more. You deserve to feel like you matter, because you do. Don’t let anyone tell you that you expect too much, some people, they are not enough.

The Buddy System

With the high rates of depression and suicide in the news these days, the world has been encouraging each other to check up on people around us. And to really do it. To say “hey, are you ok?” and listen to that answer.

The more we show up for each other and truly listen to what we are saying, the more we are able to say “I’m here for you.” That’s a really powerful thing. We live in a time where people are more connected than ever but feeling lonelier than ever.

It’s also really easy to get caught up in our own lives. We are all busy trying to survive and thrive and that’s ok. It’s ok to know when you really need to be in the zone and focus on yourself.

Here’s what I’m finding though: when my team checks on me, I feel more accountability to check in with myself. It also forces me out of whatever hermit life I’ve sometimes sunken into and encourages me to engage. When people ask me how I’m doing and honestly want an answer, my heart grows times ten. I feel valued, respected, and heard.

The people in my life have really shown up for me in a buddy system way lately and I’m so grateful for it. I have lived so long as the one you don’t check up on. The one everybody knows is going to be ok. And while that may be very true, it does not mean I don’t struggle. The more my humans show up for me, the more I want to open up and share my life with them. It makes me feel safe, something I don’t often feel when it comes to sharing my life with others.

The point is, show up and create a buddy system. We all struggle. We all need that check in once in awhile to get through the dark times. Work with your inner core to get the phone tree going. Never let your people feel alone. Find a way to spend 5 minutes each day saying hey, I’m here for you, whatever you need.

Often times people don’t want to ask for help, or don’t know how. They may even beg off support. But we all need it. Whether that be delivering meals, sending a text, sitting with someone in silence, find a way to show up. Showing up is what matters.

Think of it like being a little kid. You had to have a buddy who you were responsible for. Ya;ll had to stick together and get each other through the day. This is what you’ve been training for. Stick with that buddy and get them through the day.

Love Me Some Me

Recently there is a movement for self love. And that’s a movement I am here for. As someone who spent years unsure of who she was and who still continues to struggle to show myself the love I so freely give others, I deeply appreciate this moment in time.

I love love. I love celebrating Valentine’s Day. I’m here for the engagement announcements, the weddings, the new relationship love - all of it is such a positive time. I’m here for celebrating love. And the love I want to celebrate most of all in life is self love.

For the 300th time, because I’ve certainly written about this before, if you do not love yourself, you will not have a successful relationship with anyone else. You may find a mate, marry them, spend the rest of your life with them - but unless you’re also deeply in love with yourself, that forever love is not at its best.

Self love is a constantly evolving process. I don’t know many people who feel rainbows and unicorns about themselves 100% of the time. I certainly have my off days and I think that’s ok. You can’t be on 100% of the time. But if most of the days you can say I love who I am, that’s a huge win.

For me, the first step in learning to love myself was to get honest with myself. I had to first drop all of the lies I told myself and I had to write down what I don’t love about who I am. For example, when I was in my 20’s and single, I would tell myself I loved that life. The truth? I wasn’t comfortable being single. I pretended to enjoy it but I was not happy without a partner, which is why I was always talking to or dating someone. Now, I’m very comfortable single because I understand that having a good relationship is what counts. Being single doesn’t make me less than like I thought it once did.

Writing down the things I dislike about myself is still to this day a really powerful thing for me. It’s saying out loud the pieces I think are awful. And then it’s understanding WHY I feel that way. Because a lot of those things are actually absurd or they’re things that others love about me. When you write these things out, they’re tangible and you’re forced to dive into perspective. I’m most often able to easily eliminate a few of those by simply working through the feelings behind the insecurity. And the rest, I take to therapy or I work on how I can adjust them to not be a daily hindrance to my self love.

Another example - I’ve been an athlete my entire life. That means a lot of my self worth is directly connected to my body. Having to train sometimes 4-5 hours a day, meant that for most of my life, I had a pretty dang bangin bod. I also am blessed to have great metabolism. But when I stopped being a competitive athlete, hit 30, didn’t always eat as healthy - my body shape changed. I’m not 130 pounds of pure muscle anymore. I’m curvy, sometimes I’d dare say I feel chubby. Body dysmorphia is something I’ve struggled with on and off since I can remember. I have to remind myself often that my body has been through a lot. And it’s given me some of the best moments of my life. And I make myself thankful for those things. I’m extra mindful when I’m not body positive and I do things that make me feel good about myself. I do fitness activities that make me feel confident. I don’t workout to punish myself, I workout because it’s something I love to do. I’ll change my diet to be a little healthier. And I cut myself a break during Holidays or vacations when I indulge more. I am patient with myself.

Something that is also really helpful for me is to write on post its things I love about myself and leave the notes around my home, car, and office where they’ll serve as reminders throughout the day. It’s silly and may not work for you, but I’m easily motivated. When I read these positive reinforcements I think to myself - HELL YEA YOU ARE! If I really need some love, I’ll ask my friends to tell me what they love most about me. Often times our friends love the quirks about us that we may even consider negative. Again, perspective helps.

I hope this Valentine’s Day you’re celebrating lots of love with the people around you that you love. I hope you see this day as a day for everyone, more specifically and most importantly - for YOU. Celebrate your love with those most important to you, but celebrate the most important relationship (the one with yourself) FIRST.

Happy hearts and love day sequins!

Tidying Up - Hunger Games Style

Ya’ll Marie Kondo is THE pop culture moment. Her book and her show on Netflix have inspired an entire movement. Simplifying clutter has been around for a few years but in late 2018/early 2019 with everything going on, we seem to have become addicted to minimalism and countering consumerism.

I love that life and I’ve been working to consume less, make smarter purchases and overall spend my money on experiences rather than things. Where I’d also like to extend this idea of tidying up is to the people we surround ourselves with.

The idea of what brings you joy very much applies to human relationships as well. We deserve peace, simplicity, and joy in the friendships we build with friends and family.

So let’s get Hunger Games about this idea of tidying up. If a person does not bring you joy, let them go.

I know, there are so many complications with that. From work to friends to family, sometimes you simply cannot remove yourself from a relationship entirely. But there are people who can be bid farewell. Do so. And then minimize your time with people who don’t bring you joy but are a necessity sometimes within your circle of life.

When you do this, watch how much calmer, simpler, and more joyous your life becomes.

When you remove the drama and negativity piece by piece, you are brought peace.

As I get older, I become less bothered by people who serve no purpose for me. On social media, I block people who are nothing but headaches. That’s the beauty of social media, we choose the content we engage with. In real life, when friends or family members bring me great stress, I limit my time with them, phase them out, or directly let them know the relationship is no longer working.

And I commit to it.

That’s what the biggest piece is - staying strong. If you are able to make these choices confidently and truly stick with them - that is where you will find the benefits. If you’re constantly stressing about the outcomes, what others think about you or these choices, you loose the opportunity to enjoy the benefits.