The Single Life

AS soon as I was old enough to realize I liked men, I spent my time flirting with, dating, and at times collecting them for my roster. From age 13 to 30 (fine, 32ish), I was not single. I might not have always been in a relationship, but I was never truly single.

In my early 30’s, I stopped working so hard to have men around me. I stopped engaging with the guys that I kept around just to feed my ego. I stopped prioritizing my worth and desirability on how many men found me so. And I started prioritizing how desirable I found myself.

Most humans probably did this when they were younger. They didn’t really date until their 20’s and by 30, settled down and got married and did the two car garage two kids thing. But I’ve never really been a conventional babe.

I’ve always had a big personality. It’s not that I’ve never expressed my bold ways. But I had been athletic, pretty, skinny, smart, funny — all the things people told me, not that I knew about myself —so I sort of just fell into those roles.

I loved a lot of those things, and they’ve helped make me the woman I am today, but I also fit myself into spaces because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.

Dating and relationships have always been one of the bigger boxes to fit into for me. I’ve really struggled with retraining my brain to break from the ideas society taught me growing up.

As independent, adventurous, and happy as I genuinely am — I cannot express enough that I absolutely have moments where I freak out because I’m single. There’s still a small part of me that says without a partner, you are less worthy.

And that’s hard for me to say out loud.

What is more common though is I’ve learned to absolutely thrive.

Learning to sit in being single has been the most rewarding (and challenging) thing I have ever done. I know who I am (and am ever evolving). I am confident in what I want and I’ve taken the time to figure out what that is, independent of anyone else’s influence.

I am also significantly more private when I do date. So private that I really don’t talk about it at all.

I think a lot of people wonder why I’ve been single so long. Being 35, people have questions. They like to ask at weddings when mine will be.

Truth be told, no idea if or when I’ll get married.

I do know that I’m the happiest I have ever been with who I am at 35. I believe all the good things people have told me about myself and I’ve even added some more that I tell myself. I care less about what other people have to say about me in general and more about what I think of myself.

I do more of what makes me comfortable and happy rather than relying on what others tell me I should do to make others comfortable and happy.

I have made myself and my full life the guiding force in everything I do.

And while that confuses some people, while others want to assume single means unhappy, that isn’t my business. Their inability to understand my life is not for me to worry about.

If one day the right person comes along and I decide to keep him longer than a few weeks, I’m very open to that. I’m more open and in a place to accept real love than I’ve ever been before. That also means I’m not willing to extend time or energy on anything or anyone that doesn’t make me feel sparkly inside.

For me, that’s the best I could ever hope for in life. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be happy, fulfilled, and excited to experience each day. I can honestly say that most of my days are spent feeling this way.

And while I’ve got more growing and self discovery to do, I’m pretty damn happy with where I’m at and where I’m headed. Single or not. I’ve got a whole lot of living to do.

Dating Around

It was pointed out to me recently that I quite often talk about dating and relationships in the past, but rarely discuss my present romantic status. Short answer, I know. Long answer, this is not an accident.

I am a fiercely private person. I understand that makes no sense given that I write a very public blog about some very personal things. Like all social media and online presence, I curate the experience you have by choosing what to share and what to keep to myself.

Growing up, I was a very open person about who I was dating. You could easily tell my status at any given time because I’ve probably posted about it on all my social media platforms. As I’ve grown and matured, I have realized how much I value my privacy in romantic relationships. There are simply very few people I share my romantic life with.

Here’s why:

1. Relationships are hard

   Relationships are really hard. Everyone has baggage they carry. Allowing the outside world transparency into your relationship is only going to add to the complicated nature love entails. When you are constantly posting about your partner and your relationship, you are inviting drama into your home. The most private details of your partnership should be between you and your mate. That’s it. Save those personal matters for your home and avoid unnecessary interference from outsiders. When you make your whole relationship open to others and social outliers, the drama that comes to you, that’s on you. Relationships are hard, don’t make them harder.

2. You know you best

   Everyone has an opinion. The thing about opinions is they are often not based on the whole story. We vent to our friends. We give them the rose colored glasses. There is nobody engaged in your everyday relationship except you and your partner. Allowing other opinions to guide your choices and actions is just going to lead you astray. It’s fine to bitch and moan and ask for advice, but don’t allow those to be your truth. You know you best, that is your guiding light.

3. Expectations are everywhere

   Society has expectations around everything. Depending on your life stage, age, length of time you’ve been dating (the list goes on) - society has an expectation. If you’ve been together 3 years, why aren’t you married? If you’re married, when are you having kids? As much as we try to pretend they don’t matter, those expectations weigh on us. WHY aren’t I married? WHEN will I get pregnant? Back to #1, relationships are hard, don’t let society make them harder by forcing you into expectations you don’t have for yourself.

4. None of your business

   Straight talk - my relationships are not your business. I owe you nothing. I own my story and the relationships in my life and they are for me to dictate. That’s my power. It’s my life. It’s truly none of your business.

I’m dating. I’m not dating. I’m talking to someone. I’m talking to multiple people. I’m talking to nobody. I’m in a relationship. I’m single. I’m all of these things at any given moment since I began this journey. I will continue to write about my experiences. It’s an avenue for me to grow and learn and I value the relationships I build with my readers. But honestly, you’ll probably think I’m single until I announce I’ve gotten married on a mountain in Portugal one Summer. Part of my growing and building self love is owning my love life as mine and mine only. There is no power greater than being able to own your story for yourself because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. 

It's a No from me Dawg.

When I left LA, I left with a whole lot of feelings for a man I reconnected with. It took me a good two years to finally close that chapter of my life. But boy did I slam that door shut.

I don’t think he reads this, so I feel safe in talking about it because I think it’s a story that many women can relate to. And if he does read this, whatever, I’m going to write it anyways.

Full transparency - we were never anything “official” as the kids are calling these days. We existed in this weird ambiguous role that I think a lot of our generation exists in when it comes to romance. We both knew the feelings were there, but circumstances made so it didn’t work. At least, that’s what I liked to tell myself.

The more I examined the situation, the more I realized I loved the idea of blaming it on timing and living in different states. The truth is, when we both lived in LA, I made an effort to make it happen, and he didn’t reciprocate that effort. I started to look at who made contact and who really put themselves out there and you know what I found? That was me.

It seemed the only time he was willing to be open about his feelings for me was when he felt safe doing so. As it turns out, that was when I moved far away and sigh when he had a girlfriend. Yes folks, he slipped into the DM’s at one point. Even tried to excuse it as just a friend complimenting a friend (I cannot roll my eyes any harder).

That was it for me. And while I should have just hit the block and walked away, I didn’t. I was extremely open and adamant about his unacceptable behavior, the way I felt I was the only one who ever really put that effort in, and that his excuses were bullshit. Because they were. The situation he put me in, put his current girlfriend in, it wasn’t cool.

Let me tell you, that — felt — MF amazing. AND THEN - I hit that block.

Am I over him and the situation? Probably not yet. I still have that nagging feeling of what could have been. But knowing he had a girlfriend and acted that way with me shows me that he isn’t the man I need him to be. And he’s not deserving of a woman like me in the stage of his life he’s in. I’m not sure when that feeling goes away - the one we women tell ourselves “he’s going to come back and apologize and be wonderful” — Again eye roll for miles!

What’s the lesson here? First of all, if he slips into your DM’s, run. JK JK - but seriously who does that?

Second - know your worth and don’t settle for less. Put your pedicured foot down and say not today Satan. Either treat me with the respect and care I deserve or get to stepping so someone else can. Because someone else WILL. You teach people how to treat you.

It’s hard and ripping off the bandaid sucks. I’ve wanted to reach out countless times since I blocked him and say something about how he made me feel and to not lose that connection. Maybe to prove to myself his feelings were real? Maybe even to prove to myself he cares. Truth bomb though? It doesn’t matter. It won’t change anything. So I don’t. I move on. Day by day. LOL at how dramatic that sounds.

I think as women, especially as we get older, we make excuses. We start to think we are too picky or worry we are limiting our chance at happiness. So we settle. Stop it. Stop making excuses and stop settling. Don’t romaticize the situation when there’s nothing romantic about it. He’s not leaving her for you. He’s not changing who he is for you. You know when you’re doing it and you know what you have to do to stop it. So do it.

If you know me well, you’re probably surprised by how much I’m like you in the fears and insecurities I have with relationships. I come off as very strong, confident - and yea - I MF AM! But I’m also human. And I think the more women say to each other “I feel that too,” the more we normalize our fears and learn to combat the negative affects they can play in our lives. We put up with less shit when we have friends who say “I’ve been there, let me help you.”.

Always remember — Woman up and do what’s best for you.

How to Find a Mate

I often talk about how hard dating is in a world on apps and websites and instant gratification. I'm not sure I've ever offered up an alternative solution for those of us who aren't comfortable online dating and we don't spend a lot of time in bars. I'm not sure there's any magical place to find a quality partner, but there are certainly ways to help increase your chances.

Vibe

What vibe are you giving off? We often meet people when we least expect it. But sometimes we scare them off by our actions and attitude. Are you in a good head space to be in a good relationship?Happy and healthy physically and mentally with who you are and where you're at in life? Can you call yourself a good prospect? Start with yourself before you can even remotely come near meeting anyone else worth your time.

Location

Where you live can often play a role in your ability to find someone of romantic prospect. If you live in rural Iowa, you have a limited pool to choose from. If you're considering moving to Utah, you may want to consider there are significantly more married people than single. If you're in NYC/LA/SF - you've got a larger group of eligible suitors in general as well as a more diverse population to choose from.

Work

A lot of people in their mid 20's to mid 30's meet their significant other at work. You're there so often that it's easy to build relationships with the people around you. Now if you work from home, probably not easy to meet and get to know colleagues/potential mates. Similarly, if you're a straight female in the beauty industry, you're not meeting as many options as you would if you were in sports marketing. But keep your eyes open at a large office, there are plenty of single people and at least you know they have a job!

Play

Where are you spending your free time? If you're at bars and clubs every weekend, that's the quality you're going to find in a partner. Spend time in places that reflect the person you are. If you're into reading, go to a bookstore/library/cafe. Love the outdoors? Get to hiking/walking/kayaking. Passionate about fitness? Go to the gym/class/track. The point is, you can't find the right person if you're not into the party scene yet you go searching for the right person in the party scene.

Time

This is two parts. One, are you allowing time for a relationship? I know I've had times in my life that I'm simply unable to (or unwilling to) make time for another person to be in my world. That's ok. Timing truly is everything.

Two, stop going out in the wee hours of the night hoping that Prince Charming (or Princess Charming) is going to be out at this time. Alternatively, don't go to a 5PM dinner and think you're meeting anyone in your age group worth investing in. Focus on the sweet spot times with the appropriate activities. Happy hour 4-6, Dinner 7-9, Kickball in the evenings, Coffee shops Saturdays 9-1. Focus people, timing. is. everything.

Friends

I just want to say please don't set me up with your friends. That whole process is so weird and often times it's friends thinking they're setting you up with some great human and it's not someone you're even remotely attracted to and its all just so awkward. But do pay attention to friends of friends as you spend time in social circles. Often times you're able to connect with people who have similar interests and lifestyles and you know they aren't crazy because they spend time with your friends! It's also great to be able to ask your friends directly about someone you may be interested in. They're able to give you some inside perspective on who the person is.

Chill

This is the biggest thing. Stop spending all of your time trying to find the right person. Stop talking about being single/wanting a partner 24/7. Start living your life. It's ok to actively be open to love and make yourself available to do so, but when that becomes your focus, it's not going to happen. You won't meet anyone worthwhile when all you're doing is making that your daily purpose. It's also a sign you don't value yourself.

I don't know the secret to meeting the right person. I'm not sure there's any secret at all. But there are things you can be doing to increase your chances of finding a quality human to get to know. If that's something you're really looking for, make sure you're going about it in a healthy way and then look to fill your time with some of these tips!

Happy hunting sequins...

The Last Unicorn

A lot of men from my past have recently inserted themselves into my present. Initially I thought it was because of the fabulous woman I've grown into in my 30's. But the more I think about it, the more I think it's because I'm one of the last single unicorns.

They say men mature at a slower rate than women. They don't tend to want to settle down until their mid thirties. Because of that, I think when they hit that age, they start looking around at who's available. And when they do, they start to see the women they knew in the past in a different light.

Quite frankly, you can be the best catch in the world, but if a man isn't ready, it's not going to happen. I've always been a unicorn. Sure, I've had times that I needed to grow through in order to be a good partner, but I am and always have been, a great woman.

Now that the men folk are in their prime marriage phase, they're seeing the catch that I am too. And while that's flattering, a part of me resents the fact that they're just now realizing this.

I live in the camp that if you didn't see how wonderful I was before, I'm not sure you deserve the new and improved even better version that I've grown into.

But there is another camp - one that says I'm potentially missing out on a really great man because I'm too stubborn to issue a second chance.

I get that. And for some men, I think a second chance is okay. If a man has been someone important in my life as a friend and the timing has just been off, that's a man who deserves a chance.

But the man who had his chance before and simply wasn't mature enough, or didn't realize what he had, that's not the man for me. Old habits die hard. And that's not timing, that's who you are.

The one consistent is that no matter who reappears back in my life, in order to stay, you need to treat me as I deserve to be treated.

Something I've been working on in therapy is understanding that I deserve to be pursued. Because I'm a very confident woman who lacks shyness, I'm often the pursuer. I don't want to play games and I don't have the patience for the dance. So I'm usually the one to say let's try this out. But when that becomes a pattern and the man doesn't step up to initiate anything, I become bored and turned off very quickly.

So as these men come back into the picture, or look to turn a friendship into more, I'm looking to see how much effort they're willing to put into that. It's really easy to slip into the DM's or send a text. What else are you going to do to show me you mean what you're throwing into the universe?

And you know what I've found? I think a lot of these men are just hitting an age when they're looking for the last unicorn, but they might not be ready to put the effort in to catch her. I'm also learning, they might not have the guts to really put themselves out there. And some even throw their feelings out there at a time when they're not even romantically available to do so.

Certainly that's not the case for them all. I'm not of the team that thinks all men are bad. That all the good ones are taken or gay. I know a lot of really good men.

A lot of this goes back to dating in our generation. It's that swipe right, text not call, keep it convenient generation. The expectations for each other are low. The options, an app away. So I think a lot of the lazy dating world we live in happens out of habit. We haven't been forced to put the effort in.

But that doesn't mean you have to settle. Wait for the one who shows you that you're worth the phone calls, the big gestures, and the time it takes to invest into the real deal. Being a unicorn means you're special. You're a woman of worth. The more you believe that, the more you demand the people around you are of the same value, the more they'll treat you as such.

Being a unicorn is hard. Not everyone sees how special you are. Not everyone will be deserving of your light. Be okay with that. Be okay with being your own unicorn until the right one can match your sparkle.

Relationship Goals

I freaking hate the idea of relationship goals. You know what my relationship goals are? They're to love myself and have a healthy confident relationship with me, myself, and I. I'd also like to have strong, happy, reciprocal relationships with the people I love around me.

Social media is a highlight reel. It's like Sports Center Top 10 for couples. And I find the couples that aren't in the healthiest, happiest relationships, are the ones posting relationship goals style content the most often.

Relationships are not easy. They're not perfect. When I hear a couple talk about never fighting, I know that couple isn't in a healthy mature place. People fight. Being monogamous takes work. To never disagree, fight, or struggle in your partnership, that's just not realistic.

To that end, its certainly every person's right to post whatever they want on the socials. It's truly nobody's business what you choose to share with the world. Your relationship is yours to put in the world however you see fit.

But I'm a human being. And you're annoying AF when you're out here pretending your love life is rainbows and unicorns when I damn well know your shit is one argument at Taco Bell away from completely imploding. And it is my business if you're sharing those pieces with me but fronting for the rest of the world on Facebook.

In my 20's I shared alllllll of my relationships on social media. I was young and in love and proud of whatever moment I was in. But I'm an adult now. And I know, that for all the times my romantic life seemed like a fairy tale, it certainly wasn't. From the abusive boyfriend who other women gushed about as being a dreamboat, to the one with the drug problem who seemed like a hero, there were flaws. Again, mine to share as I saw fit. But what I've learned is that the healthiest relationships are the ones you rarely see on social media. You catch a photo, a cute tag, but there's not that incessant need to say "look at how happy we are."

The less time you spend posting about your relationship, the more time you spend actually being in the relationship. If you're truly happy and developing a strong partnership, you understand the importance of that existing in the privacy of your personal world.

And for the women (and men) who constantly feel like they're not measuring up to the relationship goals of celebrities and their own friends - remember, what you see on social media, that's a show. It's carefully crafted, controlled content chosen because of the feeling it gives the person posting it. Whether that be genuine joy or compensation for something that's not measuring up, don't buy into the very small picture you see.

Relationship goals are a hashtag, and we all know those don't stay relevant long.

The Fastest Runner

At this point in my life, I think I'm the only one who's blissfully unaware (or willing to accept) that I've got severe commitment issues. I've physically moved states on more than one occasion to avoid feelings. I've turned ghosting into such an art form that I'm pretty sure our military black ops could utilize my advice. 

In my mind I'm not afraid of commitment. Yea, I'm aware of all those crazy things I do to avoid relationships but in my mind, I've been busy, not met the right person, insert any cliche excuse in the book and I'm going to ninja work it into my life. 

Recently in therapy though, I had a realization that almost every relationship I've put effort in is one that I'm internally aware isn't the right one. And the partners that are potentially great fits for me, I leave those in the dust within 2.5 seconds of the game.

I'm not the girl who dreams of the fairy tale when I meet a good man. I'm the one who thinks well my future plans are X, Y, and Z so realistically because in 10 years I want to live in Bali and open a yogurt shop, we should stop dating now, before we even go on the first date because he lives in California and why would he ever leave California let alone I don't even think he eats dairy this obviously won't work. Right, I know, that was exhausting to read, imagine it happening in my mind. Every. single. time. 

In therapy the more I talked about the men in my life that still have an impact on my heart (the list isn't that long), each one is someone I pushed away who could very well have been one incredible life partner for me. Thankfully, I'm not the type to regret that. It feels big enough that I recognize what I've been doing so that I can start the what's bound to be slow and painful road to recovery. 

I was even able to open up recently to one of those men and both acknowledge and apologize for the way in which I handled things. I'm grateful that we are still able to maintain a friendship despite the past because honestly, life is meant to hold onto people who make you feel good. And he makes me feel like I'm worth whatever crazy I've got going on in my life because I'm a good human too.

I feel like this is probably another one of those topics that the rest of you are light years beyond me at being emotionally mature in. So you're reading this thinking yet again that I am an emotional cripple. And you're not even wrong. I know I'm not the only one though dealing with this level of feeling dysfunction. So for those of you on my level, welcome. Have faith in yourself, keep working towards growth, and know that if I can do it, ya'll can too. 

Are you ready for the ending lesson? Life man. It's all twisty and turny and it's been really dark in the world lately. When you find people who make your heart sparkle, run towards that feeling. Real connections are rare and they're worth risking a lot for. Remember, you get one shot at life, there's no redo when it comes to your heart. 

Dating in the South

Now that I've been here a year and a half, I think it's safe for me to talk about my adventures dating in the South.

I'll start off by saying my dating has been sporadic.  I have traveled a lot for work and for fun and honestly for awhile wasn't in a place to commit myself to anyone in a serious way.  I was briefly hung-up on a faraway situation, busy figuring myself out, and really haven't met a lot of men that I had interest in getting to know.

I did however do a brief stint on the dating apps and let me tell you, what a time to be alive folks.  In the South, I swiped right maybe 1 out of 50 men.  Here's the most common men I found in Dallas:

• The Uptown Frat Guy: This is the Dallas version of the Scottsdale thirty thousand dollar millionaire.  He is 30. He makes 30 grand a year. Spends thousands at the bar. Still yells out frat chants and chugs Bud Light.
• Dedicated Conservative: Heavily supports 45. States "If you're a liberal snowflake and hate freedom, swipe left" on his profile 12 times. Profile pictures include at least four carrying different guns. Three of five outfits include American flag bandannas.
• Ranch Boy: All photos are of him and his hunting trophies. No profile description. Simply states "Ranch boy. True Texan." Likely has never left Texas unless it was to go to the Indian Casino one hour North in Oklahoma. Will be your huckleberry.   
• Dallas D Bag: Isn't here to waste time. Brutally honest. Doesn't want to play your games. Photos are gym mirror selfies. Your filters are a deal breaker.

I know that you can basically drop these descriptions into 100 other cities in America, but I'm telling you, I did not have these issues in California.  If I'm ranking dating in all the states I've lived, I'm formally committing to:

1. Colorado
2. California
3. Arizona
4. Texas

Done. No room for discussion. Scientifically accurate.

Back to Texas. I have been on a handful of dates in Dallas. I think I had one guy turn into a two date situation before I got bored and moved on.

Here's the thing. I'm a born and bred California girl.  I'm socially pretty liberal. Fiscally, a bit conservative. I'm a feminist. I'm independent as all hell. I'm loud. Opinionated. Full transparency, I'm extra (DUH). One might call me the opposite of a Southern Belle. 

So the men here, they probably don't like me either.

In fact the only man I was into as a potential long term suitor was - drum roll please - originally from California.  

OK OK - stop hating on Texas already!  We get it, you're not Southern! I have actually really enjoyed my time in Texas. I made friendships that will last me a lifetime. I created a profitable side hustle. I discovered this wildly confident adventurous side of myself I had never met before. I think I'm doing Dallas in the best way I can.

But as a West Coast babe, dating is simply done differently than I am used to. I thought it would be more Southern gentlemen and wealthy oil billionaires. Instead I found it a bit antiquated and immature. Perhaps I met the wrong men. I certainly didn't dedicate much time sourcing out the best fit. I also met plenty of men I really enjoyed being friends with. And partners of friends who are legitimately some of the best men I've ever met. 

Back off me and my negativity about my Southern dating experience. I was half hearted in my attempt. I may have been carrying a misguided flame for a California man. Either way - it's my truth. 

Well - it's my truth so far...

2018 Love.

Ah yes - the generation of the swipe.  In 2018, true love is found behind our cell phones, in our sweat pants, judging people based on looks and witty profile opening lines.  What a time to be alive.

While I'm thankful dating in our generation is not what it was in the 1950's or really even the 1990's - I often long for the traditions of love's past.  

It's Valentine's Day, a time Hallmark has designated to spend our money on diamonds, chocolates, fancy dinners and awkwardly flimsy lingerie.  I'll be honest, I like V-Day.  I don't really care if you want to call it single's awareness day, propose to your significant other, or choose to boycott it's corporate significance.  I'm into the shiny things and I like to celebrate love.  

I'm 32, a lot of my friends are married, in serious relationships, or worried about finding the one.  And it's got me reflecting on dating in 2018 and how much it kind of sucks.  

I'm not blaming men, I'm not blaming women - I'm not generally a fan of blaming anyone unless we can accompany that with some solutions.  But generationally, because we rely so much on technology, we have become to rely on that same technology for human relationships.

The thing is - technology does not account for human feelings, interactions, or flaws.  You can fill out a profile, swipe right - do all the things technology swears by in order to provide you your soulmate but at the end of the day, it can still fail.

There's no science to love.  No magic formula.  And in a world where we put so much effort into the technology of dating, I think we are missing out on organic love.  Because we can so easily find the next best mate, our choice to give up on what's in front of us becomes the go to move.

Relationships are not easy.  There is no perfect partner.  I'm not saying put up with abuse, in fact, never put up with any form of abuse, ever.  But there's something to be said for understanding that love ain't easy.  You will not always be happy in your relationship.  You will not always like your partner.  But you should understand the compromise that needs to happen, the effort that maintaining a lifetime takes, and be committed to your mate because despite those real life problems, that's your chosen lover.  

Every day, you have to choose each other.  The love I admire the most in life are the people who go through all the things life throws at them and every day they wake up and they say I choose you because we are a team and I don't want to swipe right on someone else just because we've had a few bumps in the road.  

In 2018 dating is hard.  I don't really know anyone who meets anyone organically anymore.  I think it takes more work to find a mate in 2018.  An actual commitment to finding someone you can stand for a long period of time.  Whether I like it or not, I'm probably going to have to succumb and stick with this online dating business to find some viable options.  

Dating in 2018 is weird.  Its the guy who asks you when you'll have sex with a new partner within the first 20 minutes of the first date.  It's the guy who doesn't believe women should work.  It's the guy who takes you on a bar crawl and does shots for your initial meeting.  But it's also reconnecting with acquaintances you look at differently.  It's men who take you on a hunt to find the best mac n cheese in Texas.  It's the guy you meet at a friend's party who nervously asks if you'd like to go to dinner.  

We can blame dating today on technology, and we aren't wrong.  But does that mean love isn't out there?  It doesn't.  It means dating is a little different, a little more work - but it's still worth it if for your life means finding a teammate to do all the bumps in the road with.  So love in 2018, it's kind of a nightmare, but so am I sometimes, and at the end of the day, I'm also one hell of a catch.

In a Land Far Far Away...

I'm not sure if you've noticed - but I'm horribly terribly most awful when it comes to dating.  I don't know how to function in a world based on feelings.  There is only one romantic situation in which I feel most comfortable:

Long distance.

I know - you think I'm drunk.  Long distance relationships suck.  But to me - they're also not very real.  I can exist in a world of not ever having to truly commit myself to someone because realistically, its' not going to work anyways.  I'm mitigating the emotional risk.  Its strategic dating. 

Before you judge me - let's remember I am in fact in therapy and yes my therapist is aware that I often leave the state rather than simply not date someone.  I'm what you should can call emotionally a nightmare.  They should study me - honestly I half expect my therapist to suggest this soon.

Long distance relationships give me the butterflies of the relationship, but it's forced to go at such a slow pace - from such a distance - that I don't believe it's even a thing.  Hence - there's no real risk, or reason that I've got to push myself emotionally.  I like that.  That's just unhealthy enough to keep my therapist in business for years.

Now half of you are in long distance relationships or really into the fairytale and you're super offended right now.  You're thinking that's not my relationship, mine is successful and healthy and very real.  You know what?  It might be.  Seriously, what do I know?  

But for me - it's a sick balance of what do I do with my hands and please love me.  I don't even know what that means.  It sounded very introspective though.  Can I also clarify that I'm purely speaking to starting relationships as long distance?  If you've known each other and been friends or dated before becoming long distance - that's ideal - that's extra strategic dating and I need you to let me in on that because I think that's where I'm going to find my forever.

This all sounds really cynical, and I've got a surprise for you - I'm openly cynical about the long distance game because it represents everything unhealthy about the way I date.  The underlying evolution here is that long distance relationships have taught me my trigger for unhealthy dating patterns.  

Pay attention - the breakthrough is coming ...

I often choose relationships that are destined to fail.

It took me 31 years to process that dating the guy who isn't nice to me, cheats on me, isn't ready to commit - he's not the guy for me.  But you're 32 - I KNOW, can I finish?  This past year I've spent giving my time and energies to men who are nothing like that.  They're good men.  They're in it for the real deal.

And that's made me suspicious AF.  

I've seen all the bad ones - and I've probably been a bad person to date myself at times - so when you give me a man who shows up and is inherently kind, I'm attracted to him, and he's not in it for himself - I want to know his angle.

Fast forward to where I'm at now.  I have a gentleman suitor in my world who throws me for a loop.  I've known him for a long time.  We've developed as friends and whatever and I'm 75% sure that while we are not in a place to be an us right now - he's 98% real about his feelings and he's not just in it for this flawless bod.

And that's a trip.  We aren't dating.  We are not together -

Still single ya'll, please inquire within -

 - ANYWAYS -

We are absolutely in no way a thing.  He's a free agent (but don't inquire within, get your own).  Because of the nature of the places in life we are right now - I don't necessarily believe it can ever be a thing.  And I think that helps me have a more authentic relationship with him.  I absolutely say the wrong things, I self sabotage, and I'm awkward.  But because I know my triggers, I'm in an extra healthy place to test new me.

Do I secretly hope it could be the real deal one day?  I do.  And that's how I know, as much as I try to play it cool, I'm going to be ok in love.  

I'm aware of my triggers, I'm facing them, and I'm evolving.  And really, in a world where we are all just looking for someone to be weird with - that's all you can hope for.