Love Thyself

Valentine’s Day is upon us and although I really don’t talk much about my relationship status, I do love to talk about my love for myself! So this Valentine’s Day I want to celebrate loving yourself!

The greatest relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself — celebrate that and get yourself a gift this Valentine’s Day! Whether you can afford an actual gift or just a night in to yourself, here are some amazing ways to love thyself for every budget!

Spa Day

Spend: Book a whole day at a spa! Schedule a massage, facial, the works! While you’rethere, make use of the sauna and any meditation or yoga classes offered! High end spas have some very safe protocols in place!

Save: Create a spa at home! Light a candle,turn on some music, take a bubble bath and do a face mask! While you’re at it, paint those nails and exfoliate that skin!

Decadent Meal

Spend: Make a reservation at a restaurant you’ve always wanted to splurge on, and go ahead and order dessert (outdoors only please!).

Save: Either order in some takeout from a local restaurant (bonus points for supporting local!) or cook a meal at home. There’s plenty of good wine for under $15 to enjoy while you dine!

Shopping Spree

Spend: Had your eye on that gorgeous coat? BUY IT! Wanted those expensive boots but couldn’t justify the cost? Time to hit purchase! Get yourself something you’ve really wanted, you deserve it!

Save: Hit up a local thrift store! The thrill of the hunt is so much fun and bonus points, it’s great for the environment!

Fitness Fun

Spend: Pay for a private lesson to the studio you fell in love with. It’s a great way to take your workout to the next level and get some 1:1 adjustments to make future workouts better!

Save: Take an online class or get outside and enjoy a hike in nature. There are so many ways to enjoy classes without paying the private price tag. You could also sign up for the first class free pass at that fancy studio around the corner!

Flower Delivery

Spend: Call up the local florist and treat yourself to a monthly delivery. Setup 6 months of a monthly boquet to have something pretty to look forward to.

Save: Hit up Trader Joes and spend $20 on florals. Take them home and watch a YouTube video on floral arrangements! Better yet, if you’ve got a Farmer’s Market nearby, buy local!

Whatever your budget, whatever your relationship status, there’s a self love celebration to be had. Valentine’s Day is a beautifully cheesy day to show love for the number one person in your life - YOU!

Missed Opportunities

I am certain I have already met my husband. A few times.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soulmates. And I know that I have met at least two, maybe three men I could have married and had a perfectly wonderful life with. Sincerely. Not even an OK life with one, a really amazing life.

Yet timing is everything. And I’m not sure at those stages in my life, I would have been ready for that level of commitment.

And lately it has me wondering, just how many opportunities do you get in life to miss out on your happily ever after?

I don’t subscribe to what is meant to be is yours. I firmly believe we are active participants in our stories and timing can play a role, but you also have to be the lead character in order to secure your storybook ending.

I take full ownership for the fact that I was unable to make commitments to these men when they were presented to me as possible ever afters. Two of them are married, happily. And I root for them so much because they are good people. Their spouses are some of the best women. I actively cheer for them.

And yet at 33, I wonder, is my story going to be that I missed my opportunity for a leading man?

Growing up, I had the vision that I’d get married, have 2.5 children - do all the things we are taught to do. And yet, the older I get, the more I find that vision might not be what I really want.

I’m not willing to compromise. I don’t want to be the 50% statistic that ends in divorce. I don’t want to wait for a significant other when I could be out making my own adventure. I don’t think I want to ever be pregnant. I think about adopting.

I love the idea of doing life with a partner. But I also have started to think about life as my own partner.

The fact is I don’t like online dating. I don’t want to spend my time chasing men or waiting in places I think they’ll be at. I want to continue to grow, travel, smile, laugh, and make the most out of what time I have on this Earth. And if someone comes along and fits into that, I’m open to it.

Being 33 and single, it can feel hard. It can feel shameful. It’s a society that teaches you the end goal is to build a life together, check off all the boxes.

Some of us have different boxes we’d like to check off.

I’d like to encourage you to do what works for you. And only you.

We all miss opportunities. But I think we create new ones by choosing to see those original opportunities as cards we chose not to draw.

Dating Around

It was pointed out to me recently that I quite often talk about dating and relationships in the past, but rarely discuss my present romantic status. Short answer, I know. Long answer, this is not an accident.

I am a fiercely private person. I understand that makes no sense given that I write a very public blog about some very personal things. Like all social media and online presence, I curate the experience you have by choosing what to share and what to keep to myself.

Growing up, I was a very open person about who I was dating. You could easily tell my status at any given time because I’ve probably posted about it on all my social media platforms. As I’ve grown and matured, I have realized how much I value my privacy in romantic relationships. There are simply very few people I share my romantic life with.

Here’s why:

1. Relationships are hard

   Relationships are really hard. Everyone has baggage they carry. Allowing the outside world transparency into your relationship is only going to add to the complicated nature love entails. When you are constantly posting about your partner and your relationship, you are inviting drama into your home. The most private details of your partnership should be between you and your mate. That’s it. Save those personal matters for your home and avoid unnecessary interference from outsiders. When you make your whole relationship open to others and social outliers, the drama that comes to you, that’s on you. Relationships are hard, don’t make them harder.

2. You know you best

   Everyone has an opinion. The thing about opinions is they are often not based on the whole story. We vent to our friends. We give them the rose colored glasses. There is nobody engaged in your everyday relationship except you and your partner. Allowing other opinions to guide your choices and actions is just going to lead you astray. It’s fine to bitch and moan and ask for advice, but don’t allow those to be your truth. You know you best, that is your guiding light.

3. Expectations are everywhere

   Society has expectations around everything. Depending on your life stage, age, length of time you’ve been dating (the list goes on) - society has an expectation. If you’ve been together 3 years, why aren’t you married? If you’re married, when are you having kids? As much as we try to pretend they don’t matter, those expectations weigh on us. WHY aren’t I married? WHEN will I get pregnant? Back to #1, relationships are hard, don’t let society make them harder by forcing you into expectations you don’t have for yourself.

4. None of your business

   Straight talk - my relationships are not your business. I owe you nothing. I own my story and the relationships in my life and they are for me to dictate. That’s my power. It’s my life. It’s truly none of your business.

I’m dating. I’m not dating. I’m talking to someone. I’m talking to multiple people. I’m talking to nobody. I’m in a relationship. I’m single. I’m all of these things at any given moment since I began this journey. I will continue to write about my experiences. It’s an avenue for me to grow and learn and I value the relationships I build with my readers. But honestly, you’ll probably think I’m single until I announce I’ve gotten married on a mountain in Portugal one Summer. Part of my growing and building self love is owning my love life as mine and mine only. There is no power greater than being able to own your story for yourself because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. 

Ownership

It’s the beginning of the year, the holiday season is over, and it’s me - so I’m going to reflect! I talk a lot of past relationships and dating, but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about me as a partner in the past. Buckle up kids - this is gonna be good.

Growing up, I was really insecure. I’ve been told I came off really confident, so props to me for that fake out when I was constantly unsure of who I was.  

Spoiler alert, when you don’t love yourself, it’s really hard to be successful in loving others.  

I was a really bad girlfriend in high school. I was jealous, played games, and was overall unfair. Back then, I didn’t see it that way, but now I laugh at what a lunatic I was. Ok I get it, in high school nobody knows what they are doing. We all think we are going to marry that person and ride off into the sunset. You can’t tell us anything different because you just haven’t loved anyone like we have. Pause for dramatic storm out.  

Thankfully I grew up. And I found a way to love myself. It’s taken awhile. And it’s not always been pretty. I have pushed people away, been a jerk, but I’ve also been a pretty decent catch.  

What I’ve figured out along the way is that at times when I’m not feeling my best self, my relationship doesn’t go well either. I’m a bad girlfriend because I’m being a bad partner to myself first. 

That’s deep right? Thought of it myself, thanks so much.  

 We spend a lot of time talking about those who did us wrong. Who were bad partners. There are so many fire memes about exes. But do we look at who we were in relationships?

Now if your mate was abusive or an overall POS, this isn’t where you try and look at where you went wrong in the relationship. Forget those people, that wasn’t you. That was them. Love you, mean it.

But chances are in at least one relationship, you might haven’t been the best either. Were you in a bad place? Unwilling to compromise? Unable to communicate? Unfaithful? It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a catch.

Take the time to evaluate who you are in your relationships. The more self aware you are, the stronger you will be as a partner in the future. And when you are aware, you’re more in tune with what you’re looking for in a relationship. End result? You have more successful relationships.

Think about it. How often do you see your friends in bad relationships because they’re unsure of who they are, unaware of the bad partner they’ve been, and unwilling to admit to any of those things? I can think of at least three friends without missing a beat who I know will not have successful relationships until they confront the partner they  are.

I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been too busy, too insecure, too set in my ways. Knowing that now, reflecting on why I was that way, helps me to be a better person and partner now. It also has turned into me making better choices about who I date. When you love yourself and know how you deserve to be treated, you don’t settle for anything less.

Reflecting on painful breakups and relationships that caused you distress is not easy. It’s generally the past we prefer to bury away forever. I encourage you to drag it out anyways. Get really uncomfortable with your dark and stormy so that you can experience your bright and shiny.

It's a No from me Dawg.

When I left LA, I left with a whole lot of feelings for a man I reconnected with. It took me a good two years to finally close that chapter of my life. But boy did I slam that door shut.

I don’t think he reads this, so I feel safe in talking about it because I think it’s a story that many women can relate to. And if he does read this, whatever, I’m going to write it anyways.

Full transparency - we were never anything “official” as the kids are calling these days. We existed in this weird ambiguous role that I think a lot of our generation exists in when it comes to romance. We both knew the feelings were there, but circumstances made so it didn’t work. At least, that’s what I liked to tell myself.

The more I examined the situation, the more I realized I loved the idea of blaming it on timing and living in different states. The truth is, when we both lived in LA, I made an effort to make it happen, and he didn’t reciprocate that effort. I started to look at who made contact and who really put themselves out there and you know what I found? That was me.

It seemed the only time he was willing to be open about his feelings for me was when he felt safe doing so. As it turns out, that was when I moved far away and sigh when he had a girlfriend. Yes folks, he slipped into the DM’s at one point. Even tried to excuse it as just a friend complimenting a friend (I cannot roll my eyes any harder).

That was it for me. And while I should have just hit the block and walked away, I didn’t. I was extremely open and adamant about his unacceptable behavior, the way I felt I was the only one who ever really put that effort in, and that his excuses were bullshit. Because they were. The situation he put me in, put his current girlfriend in, it wasn’t cool.

Let me tell you, that — felt — MF amazing. AND THEN - I hit that block.

Am I over him and the situation? Probably not yet. I still have that nagging feeling of what could have been. But knowing he had a girlfriend and acted that way with me shows me that he isn’t the man I need him to be. And he’s not deserving of a woman like me in the stage of his life he’s in. I’m not sure when that feeling goes away - the one we women tell ourselves “he’s going to come back and apologize and be wonderful” — Again eye roll for miles!

What’s the lesson here? First of all, if he slips into your DM’s, run. JK JK - but seriously who does that?

Second - know your worth and don’t settle for less. Put your pedicured foot down and say not today Satan. Either treat me with the respect and care I deserve or get to stepping so someone else can. Because someone else WILL. You teach people how to treat you.

It’s hard and ripping off the bandaid sucks. I’ve wanted to reach out countless times since I blocked him and say something about how he made me feel and to not lose that connection. Maybe to prove to myself his feelings were real? Maybe even to prove to myself he cares. Truth bomb though? It doesn’t matter. It won’t change anything. So I don’t. I move on. Day by day. LOL at how dramatic that sounds.

I think as women, especially as we get older, we make excuses. We start to think we are too picky or worry we are limiting our chance at happiness. So we settle. Stop it. Stop making excuses and stop settling. Don’t romaticize the situation when there’s nothing romantic about it. He’s not leaving her for you. He’s not changing who he is for you. You know when you’re doing it and you know what you have to do to stop it. So do it.

If you know me well, you’re probably surprised by how much I’m like you in the fears and insecurities I have with relationships. I come off as very strong, confident - and yea - I MF AM! But I’m also human. And I think the more women say to each other “I feel that too,” the more we normalize our fears and learn to combat the negative affects they can play in our lives. We put up with less shit when we have friends who say “I’ve been there, let me help you.”.

Always remember — Woman up and do what’s best for you.

How to Find a Mate

I often talk about how hard dating is in a world on apps and websites and instant gratification. I'm not sure I've ever offered up an alternative solution for those of us who aren't comfortable online dating and we don't spend a lot of time in bars. I'm not sure there's any magical place to find a quality partner, but there are certainly ways to help increase your chances.

Vibe

What vibe are you giving off? We often meet people when we least expect it. But sometimes we scare them off by our actions and attitude. Are you in a good head space to be in a good relationship?Happy and healthy physically and mentally with who you are and where you're at in life? Can you call yourself a good prospect? Start with yourself before you can even remotely come near meeting anyone else worth your time.

Location

Where you live can often play a role in your ability to find someone of romantic prospect. If you live in rural Iowa, you have a limited pool to choose from. If you're considering moving to Utah, you may want to consider there are significantly more married people than single. If you're in NYC/LA/SF - you've got a larger group of eligible suitors in general as well as a more diverse population to choose from.

Work

A lot of people in their mid 20's to mid 30's meet their significant other at work. You're there so often that it's easy to build relationships with the people around you. Now if you work from home, probably not easy to meet and get to know colleagues/potential mates. Similarly, if you're a straight female in the beauty industry, you're not meeting as many options as you would if you were in sports marketing. But keep your eyes open at a large office, there are plenty of single people and at least you know they have a job!

Play

Where are you spending your free time? If you're at bars and clubs every weekend, that's the quality you're going to find in a partner. Spend time in places that reflect the person you are. If you're into reading, go to a bookstore/library/cafe. Love the outdoors? Get to hiking/walking/kayaking. Passionate about fitness? Go to the gym/class/track. The point is, you can't find the right person if you're not into the party scene yet you go searching for the right person in the party scene.

Time

This is two parts. One, are you allowing time for a relationship? I know I've had times in my life that I'm simply unable to (or unwilling to) make time for another person to be in my world. That's ok. Timing truly is everything.

Two, stop going out in the wee hours of the night hoping that Prince Charming (or Princess Charming) is going to be out at this time. Alternatively, don't go to a 5PM dinner and think you're meeting anyone in your age group worth investing in. Focus on the sweet spot times with the appropriate activities. Happy hour 4-6, Dinner 7-9, Kickball in the evenings, Coffee shops Saturdays 9-1. Focus people, timing. is. everything.

Friends

I just want to say please don't set me up with your friends. That whole process is so weird and often times it's friends thinking they're setting you up with some great human and it's not someone you're even remotely attracted to and its all just so awkward. But do pay attention to friends of friends as you spend time in social circles. Often times you're able to connect with people who have similar interests and lifestyles and you know they aren't crazy because they spend time with your friends! It's also great to be able to ask your friends directly about someone you may be interested in. They're able to give you some inside perspective on who the person is.

Chill

This is the biggest thing. Stop spending all of your time trying to find the right person. Stop talking about being single/wanting a partner 24/7. Start living your life. It's ok to actively be open to love and make yourself available to do so, but when that becomes your focus, it's not going to happen. You won't meet anyone worthwhile when all you're doing is making that your daily purpose. It's also a sign you don't value yourself.

I don't know the secret to meeting the right person. I'm not sure there's any secret at all. But there are things you can be doing to increase your chances of finding a quality human to get to know. If that's something you're really looking for, make sure you're going about it in a healthy way and then look to fill your time with some of these tips!

Happy hunting sequins...

Excess Baggage

A lot of the stigma surrounding mental health deals with the baggage we carry because of the journey we are on. It's entirely possible that by sharing these parts of me, I'm causing some people to choose to not engage with me. People who don't understand mental illness often don't want to deal with the extra energy that it can take to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety or depression or bi polar disorder.

Honestly, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

I'm already a lot to deal with. I'm high energy, high expectations - I'm the definition of extra. My anxiety is the least of my concerns when it comes to what makes me a lot to invest in.

However, I can definitely see how suffering from a mental illness can make one self conscious when it comes to relationships. It is a little bit harder, a little bit more work to love someone who ebbs and flows. Who has unexplained anxiety. Irrational fears. Our stories are a bit more colorful.

I guess I look at it like this: my anxiety is a big part of who I am. While it does not control my life, it does accentuate it, and if someone doesn't get that part of me, they're not for me.

Certainly during times when I'm not managing my anxiety well I'm probably harder to love. For the most part, I'm actively engaged in managing my mental health and its not an issue. But my anxiety, the things that have happened to give me the anxiety, all of it makes me who I am. If you can't come to terms with embracing those pieces of me, you don't get to have the rest of me.

If you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from a mental illness, or you suffer from one yourself, the key to success is communication. Be open and transparent about what you are dealing with, what your triggers are, how you are working to manage, and how your partner can best support you.

What is never acceptable is to allow mental health to dictate the terms of your relationship. You cannot blame it for problems. You cannot use it as an excuse. And you cannot tolerate emotional or physical abuse because of it. These are always unacceptable.

Where you can accept it is when its a trigger or in a bad place. Understand that your partner is struggling and as long as they're working to control that, be a source of support. Continue to remind them they're wonderful and more than their mental illness. Encourage them to keep committed to treatment, whatever that looks like for them.

I get it, I come with extra baggage, but when you think about it, don't we all? I don't know a lot of people who come with a clean slate in a relationship. For some, it's trust issues. For others, it's insecurity. And for me, it's my anxiety. The point is, we all carry baggage. Mental illness just seems scarier because it's medical and has so much stigma surrounding it.

If I lose out on a partner because of it, that's the wrong partner for me. And if you lose out because of your baggage, that's not the right partner for you. We are all carrying around different size bags. It's about finding someone to help carry your bag for you. To me, a real partnership is sharing each other's bags and finding that it all evens out because of the teamwork we've committed to bring to the table.

The Last Unicorn

A lot of men from my past have recently inserted themselves into my present. Initially I thought it was because of the fabulous woman I've grown into in my 30's. But the more I think about it, the more I think it's because I'm one of the last single unicorns.

They say men mature at a slower rate than women. They don't tend to want to settle down until their mid thirties. Because of that, I think when they hit that age, they start looking around at who's available. And when they do, they start to see the women they knew in the past in a different light.

Quite frankly, you can be the best catch in the world, but if a man isn't ready, it's not going to happen. I've always been a unicorn. Sure, I've had times that I needed to grow through in order to be a good partner, but I am and always have been, a great woman.

Now that the men folk are in their prime marriage phase, they're seeing the catch that I am too. And while that's flattering, a part of me resents the fact that they're just now realizing this.

I live in the camp that if you didn't see how wonderful I was before, I'm not sure you deserve the new and improved even better version that I've grown into.

But there is another camp - one that says I'm potentially missing out on a really great man because I'm too stubborn to issue a second chance.

I get that. And for some men, I think a second chance is okay. If a man has been someone important in my life as a friend and the timing has just been off, that's a man who deserves a chance.

But the man who had his chance before and simply wasn't mature enough, or didn't realize what he had, that's not the man for me. Old habits die hard. And that's not timing, that's who you are.

The one consistent is that no matter who reappears back in my life, in order to stay, you need to treat me as I deserve to be treated.

Something I've been working on in therapy is understanding that I deserve to be pursued. Because I'm a very confident woman who lacks shyness, I'm often the pursuer. I don't want to play games and I don't have the patience for the dance. So I'm usually the one to say let's try this out. But when that becomes a pattern and the man doesn't step up to initiate anything, I become bored and turned off very quickly.

So as these men come back into the picture, or look to turn a friendship into more, I'm looking to see how much effort they're willing to put into that. It's really easy to slip into the DM's or send a text. What else are you going to do to show me you mean what you're throwing into the universe?

And you know what I've found? I think a lot of these men are just hitting an age when they're looking for the last unicorn, but they might not be ready to put the effort in to catch her. I'm also learning, they might not have the guts to really put themselves out there. And some even throw their feelings out there at a time when they're not even romantically available to do so.

Certainly that's not the case for them all. I'm not of the team that thinks all men are bad. That all the good ones are taken or gay. I know a lot of really good men.

A lot of this goes back to dating in our generation. It's that swipe right, text not call, keep it convenient generation. The expectations for each other are low. The options, an app away. So I think a lot of the lazy dating world we live in happens out of habit. We haven't been forced to put the effort in.

But that doesn't mean you have to settle. Wait for the one who shows you that you're worth the phone calls, the big gestures, and the time it takes to invest into the real deal. Being a unicorn means you're special. You're a woman of worth. The more you believe that, the more you demand the people around you are of the same value, the more they'll treat you as such.

Being a unicorn is hard. Not everyone sees how special you are. Not everyone will be deserving of your light. Be okay with that. Be okay with being your own unicorn until the right one can match your sparkle.

Relationship Goals

I freaking hate the idea of relationship goals. You know what my relationship goals are? They're to love myself and have a healthy confident relationship with me, myself, and I. I'd also like to have strong, happy, reciprocal relationships with the people I love around me.

Social media is a highlight reel. It's like Sports Center Top 10 for couples. And I find the couples that aren't in the healthiest, happiest relationships, are the ones posting relationship goals style content the most often.

Relationships are not easy. They're not perfect. When I hear a couple talk about never fighting, I know that couple isn't in a healthy mature place. People fight. Being monogamous takes work. To never disagree, fight, or struggle in your partnership, that's just not realistic.

To that end, its certainly every person's right to post whatever they want on the socials. It's truly nobody's business what you choose to share with the world. Your relationship is yours to put in the world however you see fit.

But I'm a human being. And you're annoying AF when you're out here pretending your love life is rainbows and unicorns when I damn well know your shit is one argument at Taco Bell away from completely imploding. And it is my business if you're sharing those pieces with me but fronting for the rest of the world on Facebook.

In my 20's I shared alllllll of my relationships on social media. I was young and in love and proud of whatever moment I was in. But I'm an adult now. And I know, that for all the times my romantic life seemed like a fairy tale, it certainly wasn't. From the abusive boyfriend who other women gushed about as being a dreamboat, to the one with the drug problem who seemed like a hero, there were flaws. Again, mine to share as I saw fit. But what I've learned is that the healthiest relationships are the ones you rarely see on social media. You catch a photo, a cute tag, but there's not that incessant need to say "look at how happy we are."

The less time you spend posting about your relationship, the more time you spend actually being in the relationship. If you're truly happy and developing a strong partnership, you understand the importance of that existing in the privacy of your personal world.

And for the women (and men) who constantly feel like they're not measuring up to the relationship goals of celebrities and their own friends - remember, what you see on social media, that's a show. It's carefully crafted, controlled content chosen because of the feeling it gives the person posting it. Whether that be genuine joy or compensation for something that's not measuring up, don't buy into the very small picture you see.

Relationship goals are a hashtag, and we all know those don't stay relevant long.

The Story.

Most everyone has people in their life that are the bad part of their story. A boss who is a jerk. An old partner who cheated. An abusive family member. A friend who broke our trust. But do you ever stop to think...

We are all the bad in someone else's story.

I certainly haven't and I'd like to think I'm a pretty conscientious human being.

Realistically it's true. There are people out in the universe who still pine for you, harbor anger for you, or resent you for a perceived wrong.

We are all someone's biggest regret, sworn enemy, or worst boss.

I'm not entirely sure what the motivation behind whomever said this quote was but for me it's about perspective. It's about reminding myself every situation in life has two people with two different perspectives on what transpired.

Reminding myself that perspective plays such a large role in every encounter, I am moved to be a little bit more compassionate and a little bit more in control of negative outbursts.

Being the bad part of someone else's story also reminds me that I have control over what controls me. There are people who the mere mention of their name gives me anxiety or heartache or anger. And that's on me. Just like for these people that hold the same emotions for me, the responsibility is on them to determine how long they want to allow those feels to control their lives.

We are all intertwined. Connected in ways we may not truly understand. The more you strive to be a better human, a responsible human (for yourself), and an aware human, the better juju we all have in each other's stories.

At the end of the day, you don't get to write the book for someone else. The character you play might not be one you'd like to portray, but its not yours to write. Good or bad, do your best to understand its not always yours to write.