I always see those lists that say “things people with anxiety do.” They’re so relatable. There’s a lot of things on those that I’m like YES! It’s so important to normalize things that we experience within our mental illness by sharing what we experience.
The most common thing I experience with my anxiety is overthinking. And not just briefly, it’s an all day, cannot turn my brain off shit show. It’s a constant worry, constant moving wheel of over-analyzing, and the inability to relax. My brain is never chilling. It is constantly moving and looking to what we need to be doing/thinking/saying next.
I’m also consistently tense. My therapist has correlated this with my PTSD but I am constantly on edge. When it comes to flight or fight my body is consistently ready to fight. And we aren’t talking “well that’s just being aware and prepared” we are talking I always know where the exits are, I’ve taken note of who’s around and could be a threat, and I’ve got six strategies for protecting myself if I need to. Everywhere. All the time. Test me the next time you see me, without fail I am hyper aware and hyper prepared for anything.
I am always ok. Truly. I struggle like the rest of you, but I will always be ok. I have learned to survive, protect myself, and to always be ok. My anxiety doesn’t let me break down. I have trouble crying. I can’t express my feelings very well. It makes me come off as cold at times and distant at others. People have told me they know me but they don’t feel they know me. That I am always there for others but never seem to need anyone myself.
I overachieve the overachievers. You think you know people who work hard and get shit done? You haven’t met me. I get more work done in a day than most do in a week. And that’s not a brag. It’s a constant need to be the best, do the most and a sense of identity from the things I do.
I’m a control freak. I like schedules, plans, and being 432 steps ahead of the game. I feel it protects me from the what if’s if I can be prepared. I do research like you wouldn’t believe before I go anywhere. Anytime I’m traveling somewhere I am already familiar with that city. I know where it’s safe to go alone, where the best spots to eat are and how to travel as a single woman. I keep emergency supplies in my car like food, water, and a first aid kit. It is not unheard of for me to create minute by minute agendas for myself to manage an anxious day. Oh, not an anxious workday, I’m talking I’ll plan a weekend minute by minute.
Ok, that’s a lot. Like a lot lot. A lot of vulnerability.
There are a lot of other things that are unique to my anxiety and PTSD, but I hope this glimpse into pieces of them are helpful for you. I hope they’re relatable. I hope that you might be a little encouraged. And that you might share your own mental illness quirks with others.