I guess therapy works

It took me a few years to stick with therapy regularly and do the work. Because you can go to therapy, but not actually participate in a way that makes it effective. Or you’re with the wrong therapist. A whole lot of things have to align for therapy to stick and actually make you change. Including being in a place to invest in becoming better.

I’m not great with feelings. Because of trauma and being an athlete, I am the best at turning off my emotions and getting shit done. It’s both a skill and a problem.

But eventually, I became exhausted of my own bullshit. I was tired of not getting the most out of life and always feeling ‘meh’ or worse than meh. Or not being able to control my anxiety + PTSD.

I’ve slowly evolved, grown and become better for myself and others, but not in any meaningful way until the last year. But more and more, I’m finally having those moments they tell you about. Where you handle a situation better than old you would have. I’m less frazzled in situations that used to cripple me. My priorities are different. My inner circle is tight and I’m quicker to cut out people who don’t create peace in my nervous system.

I’m still not a crier. I don’t know if that will ever change. And I still struggle with opening up when I’m struggling, but I do open up. I do say “I’m having a hard time with my mental health.” And while that may seem small, for me, that’s night and day. I speak openly about my PTSD and triggers. If I need to remove myself from a situation, I do. I don’t apologize for that, I just express my needs and follow through. I no longer suffer to avoid speaking about it.

More often than not, when I have therapy, I learn something new about why I am the way I am or how I can become a better version of myself.

Therapy works. And not the trendy therapy words or workbooks or toxic way in which folks have weaponized mental health. Therapy works in a way that fundamentally changes who you are when you’re willing to go there.

Therapy is a lot of work. It’s really hard. If you’re doing it right, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But without it, I’m not sure where I’d be. So if you’re looking for a reason to make your life better, to learn to better cope, to have better relationships - to just get more goodness out of the world we spend so little time in - go to therapy. And do it right.

TW:Suicide

First and foremost, this is a piece on suicide. Please protect your mental health and if this will trigger you, don’t read it. Please also know there are resources available to you such as 9-8-8, the Suicide Hotline.

More and more, we are seeing some big names die by suicide. Each and every time I see the same disbelief. The “but they seemed so happy” — and it drives me insane.

Everyone with mental health (so, everyone) is succeptible to mental health episodes that can lead to suicide. Everyone.

Instead of being shocked each and every time, we need to start talking more openly about how people get here. We need to stop stigmatizing it and start providing real dialogue and support.

In that spirit, I want to talk about my own mental health struggle and the time I felt suicidal.

When I was in my early 20’s, I had the privilege of working at my alma mater. Specifically in Athletics. It was a dream to get into the space and work everyday at the place that I loved competing at and growing up in for four years. But the work environment was anything but wonderful.

It got to a point there was even a federal investigation (that my complaint was found to be valid) into a senior leader. I spent months having to talk to HR about everything I experienced, provided massive amounts of documentation and was gaslit the entire time. I was young, naive and scared.

Concurrently, I was dealing with very serious unresolved trauma that led me to surround myself with not the best friends, excessively drank and partied, and was dating someone who treated me absolutely awful.

I grew up not talking about my feelings. I was taught it could always be worse, so I shut up and dealt with it. That also meant I felt alone most times.

I suffered through it all at a time when I was already feeling really low about myself. The work stuff just added onto the “it’s you, you’re the problem and you have no value” mindset.

It all got to me. And I finally broke down. I opened up to someone close to me about feeling suicidal. Feeling like things wouldn’t get better and I didn’t have the enery to deal with it anymore.

Unfortunately that person didn’t respond well to my plea for help. They dismissed me. To be honest, I don’t know what stopped me from driving off that bridge. I truly don’t. But I’m really grateful I didn’t.

What I want you to understand is that I’m that person you’re all shocked is more than sunshine glitter and rainbows. I’m the one that gets told “you’re so happy!” “you’re pure light” “your life seems so amazing” — and yes, all of those things are true. But they are not the whole of my existence.

I have experienced more than my fair share of traumas. I could easily be one of the people you’re shocked took their own life. But I’m not.

Recently, a friend died by suicide in the very same way I had thought about doing so. And then seeing Twitch die by suicide — another seemingly happy all the time individual — it’s all triggered me. Not to do the same, but to speak up about my own experiences in hopes that someone reads this and feels seen and heard.

I haven’t had any suicidal ideations since. I work really hard in therapy, with medications, in doing the work to process my trauma. And it’s helped a lot. But not everyone is privileged to have access to these things and not everyone exists in a space where this is possible.

That’s also why I’m writing this. Because we have to help each other. Have the tough conversations. When you ask folks how they’re doing, make sure they actually answer you sincerely. Check in on everyone. Your strong friends, sensitive friends, everyone in between.

I know there’s a lot of animosity in this world and there are plenty of times to speak up, but whenever possible, choose to just be kind. I’m not talking when racist/homophobic/misogynistic shit happens — I’m talking when you get cut off driving, someone takes your place in line, someone is a little rude — let that shit go. Take a deep breath, and move on. Choose to lead with empathy and show up with forgiveness for these folks or just walk away.

You really never know what anyone is going through. I hope that you know someone like me who is sparkle obsessed, always laughing, frequently traveling, surrounded by good people, life loving person — struggles too. People like me can succumb to suicide too. And that doesn’t make me less than.

Lastly, use your resources. Medicine, therapy, meditation, fitness, healthy eating, friends, family, puppies — use whatever is available to you and whatever you have the energy to reach out for. Hotlines and hospitals —anything you need — use it without shame. Asking for help isn’t shameful, it’s the bravest thing you can ever and will ever do. You are worthy and I’m so grateful you are here.

My Anxiety

I always see those lists that say “things people with anxiety do.” They’re so relatable. There’s a lot of things on those that I’m like YES! It’s so important to normalize things that we experience within our mental illness by sharing what we experience.

The most common thing I experience with my anxiety is overthinking. And not just briefly, it’s an all day, cannot turn my brain off shit show. It’s a constant worry, constant moving wheel of over-analyzing, and the inability to relax. My brain is never chilling. It is constantly moving and looking to what we need to be doing/thinking/saying next.

I’m also consistently tense. My therapist has correlated this with my PTSD but I am constantly on edge. When it comes to flight or fight my body is consistently ready to fight. And we aren’t talking “well that’s just being aware and prepared” we are talking I always know where the exits are, I’ve taken note of who’s around and could be a threat, and I’ve got six strategies for protecting myself if I need to. Everywhere. All the time. Test me the next time you see me, without fail I am hyper aware and hyper prepared for anything.

I am always ok. Truly. I struggle like the rest of you, but I will always be ok. I have learned to survive, protect myself, and to always be ok. My anxiety doesn’t let me break down. I have trouble crying. I can’t express my feelings very well. It makes me come off as cold at times and distant at others. People have told me they know me but they don’t feel they know me. That I am always there for others but never seem to need anyone myself.

I overachieve the overachievers. You think you know people who work hard and get shit done? You haven’t met me. I get more work done in a day than most do in a week. And that’s not a brag. It’s a constant need to be the best, do the most and a sense of identity from the things I do.

I’m a control freak. I like schedules, plans, and being 432 steps ahead of the game. I feel it protects me from the what if’s if I can be prepared. I do research like you wouldn’t believe before I go anywhere. Anytime I’m traveling somewhere I am already familiar with that city. I know where it’s safe to go alone, where the best spots to eat are and how to travel as a single woman. I keep emergency supplies in my car like food, water, and a first aid kit. It is not unheard of for me to create minute by minute agendas for myself to manage an anxious day. Oh, not an anxious workday, I’m talking I’ll plan a weekend minute by minute.

Ok, that’s a lot. Like a lot lot. A lot of vulnerability.

There are a lot of other things that are unique to my anxiety and PTSD, but I hope this glimpse into pieces of them are helpful for you. I hope they’re relatable. I hope that you might be a little encouraged. And that you might share your own mental illness quirks with others.

Unapolagetic

Oh she’s unapolagetic again is she? She is. But this time, it’s about mental health. As I mentioned last week, I’ve been going through it. And I’m not quite sure how to come out of it. So I’ve started being honest.

I think I talk a lot about it, but I don’t always follow through. Lately, I have been openly following through like never before.

Say something that is not cool? I’ll say so. Asking for my time and I don’t have it? I’m saying no.

I grew up (like a lot of women) wanting to people please and keep the peace. But I’m dealing with my own special mess of stress & anxiety and I don’t have time for your shit too.

And it’s amazing. I am too exhausted to worry about making someone else uncomfortable who is asking too much of me.

Disregarding my anxiety? I’m going to tell you about it. And I’m going to demand the respect I deserve.

Instead of feeling bad for prioritizing me, I am owning the hell out of it.

I don’t have enough time nor energy right now to devote to anyone but me, and that matters. That’s just as important as giving others my time and energy.

Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten older, maybe its the pandemic, but I have finally realized I can’t do it all. And I shouldn’t have to.

What do you need right now? Do that. Be that. Embrace that. The people who know and love you will support you. Anyone else? Fuck em. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Anxious Mess

My anxiety has finally caught up with me and I’m a bit of a mess. Nothing wild, I haven’t made any questionable decisions, it’s been more of just an overall feeling of being tense that I can’t seem to shake.

And I honestly couldn’t figure out why.

Well let’s think. In the last 6 months (while we’ve still been in a pandemic) I have moved states, gotten a new (very busy) job, and moved in with my parents while I buy my first home.

Whew. That’s exhausting to read about. And I’ve been living it without stopping to consider that’s a whole lot of change in a year full of change.

I need to cut myself a break.

And I need to prioritize whatever I need to do in order to actually make that happen.

What I find when I get this way, which in all honestly, I rarely feel this anxious this consistently — but when I do, it causes me to be really hard on myself in every way. I think it’s an attempt to get some control back.

Lately I’m more insecure, meaner to myself, and pull away from people more.

I don’t actually have a healthy solution here. I don’t have the answers. It’s more to say I’m in this place and I’m trying to find my way back but I’m not there yet.

Sometimes I think that’s huge in and of itself. When you recognize where you are, what’s causing it, and that it’s not great - that can be a really big step.

I love that we are talking about mental health more, but I wish more people spoke up when they don’t have an answer. When it’s jsut a hard time you need to work your way through.

Don’t feel bad for just knowing something is wrong but not knowing how to fix it. For a lot of people, figuring out there’s a problem is the biggest step you can take.

Thing I Learn in Therapy

I’ve been committed tot herapy for a few years now. I regularly meet with my therapist (birtually during the pandemic) and commit to doing the work to make myself a better, happier human being.

Because I tend to have a really hard time talking to people in my life about how I feel, therapy is a way for me to open up to an impartial party and get guidance on what' to do.

Once in awhile I like to share things I learn because they’ve greatly helped me and I think that’s important to talk about.

Recently I have struggled with insomnia. In general I sleep about 4 hours a night. It leaves me exhausted and with a foggy mindset. I also just feel unhealthy and not myself.

I’ve done it all. I’ve done white noise, pink noise, blue noise - all the noise! Aromatherapy, the best in beds, sheets and pillows! Adjusted temperature, boguht the coziest sleepwear ever, played with timing. I even got to the point that I sought medical intervention. Turns out I have an extremely high tolerance to any sleep medication. I can take an Ambien - even two, with no effect.

Last week my therapist asked me to start visualizing my happy place. When my mind is unable to shut off, I am to interrupt myself over and over with visions of where I feel happiest. For me, that’s the track. For you that might be a beach. The point is, go somewhere that you feel safe, empowered, and calm.

The first night I was less than succesful. Truth be told it took me a whole week to be able to actually distract myself enough to stick in my happy place. Now that I am able to stay there though, I physically feel myself relaxing. I take myself back to the track where I feel strongest and I imagine everything from a really good race to a simple Saturday workout.

It seems really simple. And it is. But the mind is a powerful thing. And conquering it’s need to overthink is no easy feat.

I’m not sleeping more than 4-5 hours yet, but I am getting better quality sleep. And I’m falling asleep faster.

Therapy is a complete lifesaver for me. A total game changer. I learn so much about myself and how to be a better me for me. If you have the means, I highlt suggest investing in yourself in the best way possible. Don’t wait until you need therapy, use it as a tool to maintain a high quality of life.

Therapy is visiting the doctor for your mind. And it’s just as important as regular visits to your primary physician.

The Guilt is Heavy

I am exhausted. I am anxious. My insomnia has been completely unmanageable. I’ve really struggled the past month and I feel guilty for that.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Gainfully employed. Incredible benefits. I’m generally healthy. I have a great support system. A safe home. I have every basic need and more during this time.

So I truly struggle with the idea that I can struggle during this time.

I know that’s unrealistic. Comparing traumas or hardships or feelings is not healthy and it isn’t helpful to downplay my own issues.

I think there’s a balance.

It’s ok to struggle but have an understanding that it could be worse. There’s no need to downplay your feelings or needs but there is something to be said for being grateful for what you do have.

I’m not talking toxic positivity. I’m talking perspective.

If 2020 has taught me anything its that I don’t need a whole lot of the things I thought I did. I want a lot of things but don’t truly need them.

So while my anxiety and stress and the things I’m going through this year are very real and very valid, I can take solace in the fact that my life is pretty damn good.

It’s a weird year. And it doesn’t end just because the clock strikes 12 on December 31st.

Give yourself grace to struggle and persevere. Give yourself time to just sit in whatever moment you need to. And without engaging in toxic positivity, gain a little perspective and know that being grateful helps any situation.

Be Easy

These last two weeks of shelter in place have been the most difficult for me. I’ve been amplifying my insecurities and it’s greatly affected my anxious thoughts. Turns out, I’m far from the only one in this mental space.

I struggle when I don’t have a goal to attain. At work, at home - I need to set goals and timelines for achieving them. The thing is, COVID19 don’t care about my driven lifestyle.

At work, I’m lucky to have a job. My company, my team, and myself — we are focused on adjusting the way we do business and how to continue to be a profitable company in 2020. The same promotion, raises, big bonuses — those are less of a guarantee and more of a, hope 2021 sees us in a stronger place. Ya’ll know I am career oriented. Too much so. I hold myself to extremely high standards and having an entire year where there isn’t really a huge goal to meet is hard.

In my career I feel stuck. I feel scared. I am struggling to stay focused due to the fact that I am deeply empathetic and the troubles of the world are something I am carrying each day. My high standards of excellence are showing in the way I am beating myself up over not being where I think I should be in my career. In reality, I am at a world class company, with incredible pay and benefits and I am thriving. Not only that, I have a side hustle that let’s me do what I’m most passionate about — write! Not only am I doing just fine, I am excelling.

At home, I am healthy. I have food, shelter, and I spend an entirely unnecessary amount on Amazon finds I don’t need. But my insecurities are screaming about my body (If Adele has a flawless bod I should too!), my savings (Come on why don’t you have a cool mil in the bank!?), and my productivity (haven’t reorganized the entire apartment yet, lazy B!). Realistically I workout at least an hour everyday, I’m saving and have strong financial security right now, and I’ve picked up a few projects here and there. I’m thriving.

Life is ridiculous right now. Truly, there’s never ever been a time like this. Millions are out of work. Families are losing homes, unable to feed themselves. I don’t know what asshole decided that because an elite privileged few of us have the time and resources we should come out of this with a perfect body, $10M, and a new startup. But that’s absurd. Whatever you need to do to survive, do that. And accept yourself and others for whatever that looks like.

I’m not saying don’t go out and takeover the world and come out of this your best self. If you have the ability to do that, rock on! But stop holding others to that standard. Recognize how privileged you are to have the resources to build that empire and build your best bod.

For a lot of us, surviving this time is the best way to thrive. My therapist offered up a goal to me of maintaining balance, conquering my insomnia and just being kinder to myself. For me, that’s a lot to tackle and if I can even get a grip on one of those I’ll consider this time a success.

Some days I work out two hours, create a gallery wall, cook a fancy meal and join 6 meetings. Some days I walk for an hour, watch 6 episodes of Outer Banks and order in. Both days are valuable.

Figure out what you need each day to find happiness. To feel good. To survive.

Be easy on yourself. This is truly an unprecedented time in history and I’m not sure it’s going to define you long term if you don’t become an SI swimsuit model with a successful Fortune 500 company who read 36 books, built a home from scratch and figured out how to master French cuisine.

I’ll say it now - I consider myself relatively successful in the grand scheme and I don’t think I’m going to achieve any of those things. But bet in the future you’ll continue to see me be a force of nature in every single thing I choose to do.

The Best

I grew up thinking that in order to be the best you had to train harder, longer and more often than anyone else. And in sports, that’s true. In life, it just doesn’t translate.

Although my athlete mentality is quite helpful in the workplace, it can also be a huge detriment. I’ve spent way too much time giving everything to work, expecting it to give everything back. Relying on the mentality that working the most and producing the most would mean I am the best.

The truth is that it’s not about how much you work, it’s about efficiency and it’s about likability and it’s about fitting into a culture that you often cannot dictate.

Adjusting to a world where not everyone is an athlete is critical to becoming the best competitor in the work space. And that is certainly not easy.

Here are my best learnings and tips for those of you who might be in the same mindset I’ve been in:

This isn’t the Playing Field

Work is not the competition space. You’re not on the field, track or court. Realize that while the career field is a competitive space, it is not as simple as win or lose. There are times to learn, fail, grow and adjust. You cannot simply think of each day as a win or lose situation or you will burnout and miss out on a lot of critical lessons.

Not Everyone is An Athlete

Not everyone has an athlete mentality. Some people are content at status quo. And that’s ok. Not everyone has the need to overachieve. And that’s ok. You are only in control of yourself. Even if you supervise others, you need to be mindful of their personal goals. If they meet their job description, that can be winning for them. Understand not everyone is you.

Cut Yourself a Break

It’s easy to become obsessive as an athlete. We want to be the best, do our best and never quit until we achieve those things. The career space is a lifelong journey. You’ve got to be patient and you’ve got to stick with it for the long run. If you give it your everything every second, you will burnout. Work cannot be your everything.

Anyone else out there struggling with adjusting to life without sports? I’m 10+ years out of that life and I still find myself relating everything I do to being a D1 (and lifelong athlete). It’s an everyday battle to remember that I’m not a competitor anymore. I’m not judged by wins and losses. Giving my best is ok in this new world. And I have to learn to be ok with that too.

Shelter in Place

The last time I heard the words shelter in place, I was in an active shooter situation. I realize that what we are experiencing right now is not the same danger. Yet my anxiety is saying differently.

I am anxious. I am stressed. I am scared.

I don’t normally subscribe to the philosophy of thinking that everything could be worse. I think its an extreme way to belittle feelings and avoid confronting very real problems. But for now — and for the foreseeable future, it is what I live by.

For the survival of my mental health, reminding myself that I have everything I need to make it through this is vital. Not everyone has shelter, food, a job, a support system — and many won’t make it through this to begin with. I have all of that and more and I will be just fine.

I get why people panic, I truly do. Uncertainty, the need to protect yourself and your loved ones, that lights a fire under us all. But I am so sick of seeing everyone do so at the expense of others. I don’t know why its so hard for some people to care about the well being of others. Humanity depends on this to survive. At the very least, you should know and understand that.

I don’t have the energy to go into it all.

I just want to say to be kind to yourself and each other. Have empathy. Feel what you feel, distance yourself from the fear, but stay connected to the people who love you. Practice loving yourself and others as much as you possibly can. Give to others as much as you can. Help others as much as you can.

This thing will end. We will come out of it and things will go back to normal. I hope that you will be proud of who you were doing this time.

I am anxious. I am stressed. I am scared.

I know you are too.