Career Journey, Pivot

My entire life has been about overachieving. When my athletic career ended, I focused my overachieving on my career. And ever since I entered the workforce in 2007, my focus has been to do more.

Recently, I realized how tired I am and how little a title means to me. I am still committed to excellence and I will always take pride in being good at what I do, but I want more out of life than a title.

Instead of looking at what’s next. What title, what company, I’m more focused on what job affords me the most joy. Money matters because my life is expensive, but only to a point that I have the time and space to spend the money experiencing life.

It’s such an incredible shift for me to not care about that next title. I truly could not care less about what I’m called. I want to be challenged, I want growth, I want to be paid what I’m worth and then I want to have the space to create boundaries.

Boundaries are what allow me to thrive at work and in my personal life.

I spent so many years without boundaries. Work was my priority. I set aside a lot of joy to push myself at work. And it hasn’t necessarily paid off. Sure, I’ve held some incredible roles at some big companies. But it hasn’t necessarily put me ahead of my peers. A lot of getting ahead is about who you know and being strategic. Hard work doesn’t always translate to success.

I would absolutely call myself successful in my career, but I would also caution not to idolize my grind because of what I gave up to get where I’ve been.

At this point in my life, I’m taking a pivot to joy. If what I’m doing isn’t bringing me joy most days, I’m leaving. If the environment I’m in is more stressful and unhealthy than not, I’m leaving. And I’m running to places that provide me what I need in life - joy. Joy, respect for boundaries and places I can have most of it all.

There is no having it all, but you can have most of it.

I’m not sure what’s next or what all this sudden change of heart is going to lead to. But for the first time in my life, I’m ok with that.

Off the Sauce

Apparently I am an extremely irresponsible adult. The medication I’ve been taking…for a year…does not allow me to have any alcohol. And we aren’t talking that “hey, we don’t recommend drinking” warning, we are talking “no seriously, it’s really bad.”

Yea. I guess it intensifies the drunk and causes the violent illness I get the next day from hangovers. Which explains a lot tbh. But also, ASHLEY!

So here we are. I’m going off the sauce.

Eventually I’ll change medications so I can enjoy a beverage or two, but right now, I really enjoy the medication and the effect it has had on my mental health. Anyone who has gone on anxiety medication knows it can be really hard to find the right fit. So for me, it’s worth sticking with what works for my mental health and giving up alcohol. For now.

In 2021 I’ve not been drinking much anyways. And in 2020, I can count on one hand the amount of times I had alcohol. It’s not a huge lifestyle change for me given my recent trends. But it is weird. Alcohol is such a social thing. It’s a big part of all the things I love. Sports, eating out, wine tasting, etc. etc.

I’m looking forward to exploring more of what the world looks like without it for a bit and how social situations and friendships will evolve.

I know there are a lot of sober people out there, especially as we get older — but I do think it’s still a little taboo to be the person who is sober by choice. I’ll be sure to report back as I navigate this gorgeous new world. If anything, it’s got to be great for my skin?

Cheers — er — high five? To a brief misadventure of the mocktail season!

My Anxiety

I always see those lists that say “things people with anxiety do.” They’re so relatable. There’s a lot of things on those that I’m like YES! It’s so important to normalize things that we experience within our mental illness by sharing what we experience.

The most common thing I experience with my anxiety is overthinking. And not just briefly, it’s an all day, cannot turn my brain off shit show. It’s a constant worry, constant moving wheel of over-analyzing, and the inability to relax. My brain is never chilling. It is constantly moving and looking to what we need to be doing/thinking/saying next.

I’m also consistently tense. My therapist has correlated this with my PTSD but I am constantly on edge. When it comes to flight or fight my body is consistently ready to fight. And we aren’t talking “well that’s just being aware and prepared” we are talking I always know where the exits are, I’ve taken note of who’s around and could be a threat, and I’ve got six strategies for protecting myself if I need to. Everywhere. All the time. Test me the next time you see me, without fail I am hyper aware and hyper prepared for anything.

I am always ok. Truly. I struggle like the rest of you, but I will always be ok. I have learned to survive, protect myself, and to always be ok. My anxiety doesn’t let me break down. I have trouble crying. I can’t express my feelings very well. It makes me come off as cold at times and distant at others. People have told me they know me but they don’t feel they know me. That I am always there for others but never seem to need anyone myself.

I overachieve the overachievers. You think you know people who work hard and get shit done? You haven’t met me. I get more work done in a day than most do in a week. And that’s not a brag. It’s a constant need to be the best, do the most and a sense of identity from the things I do.

I’m a control freak. I like schedules, plans, and being 432 steps ahead of the game. I feel it protects me from the what if’s if I can be prepared. I do research like you wouldn’t believe before I go anywhere. Anytime I’m traveling somewhere I am already familiar with that city. I know where it’s safe to go alone, where the best spots to eat are and how to travel as a single woman. I keep emergency supplies in my car like food, water, and a first aid kit. It is not unheard of for me to create minute by minute agendas for myself to manage an anxious day. Oh, not an anxious workday, I’m talking I’ll plan a weekend minute by minute.

Ok, that’s a lot. Like a lot lot. A lot of vulnerability.

There are a lot of other things that are unique to my anxiety and PTSD, but I hope this glimpse into pieces of them are helpful for you. I hope they’re relatable. I hope that you might be a little encouraged. And that you might share your own mental illness quirks with others.

Anxious Mess

My anxiety has finally caught up with me and I’m a bit of a mess. Nothing wild, I haven’t made any questionable decisions, it’s been more of just an overall feeling of being tense that I can’t seem to shake.

And I honestly couldn’t figure out why.

Well let’s think. In the last 6 months (while we’ve still been in a pandemic) I have moved states, gotten a new (very busy) job, and moved in with my parents while I buy my first home.

Whew. That’s exhausting to read about. And I’ve been living it without stopping to consider that’s a whole lot of change in a year full of change.

I need to cut myself a break.

And I need to prioritize whatever I need to do in order to actually make that happen.

What I find when I get this way, which in all honestly, I rarely feel this anxious this consistently — but when I do, it causes me to be really hard on myself in every way. I think it’s an attempt to get some control back.

Lately I’m more insecure, meaner to myself, and pull away from people more.

I don’t actually have a healthy solution here. I don’t have the answers. It’s more to say I’m in this place and I’m trying to find my way back but I’m not there yet.

Sometimes I think that’s huge in and of itself. When you recognize where you are, what’s causing it, and that it’s not great - that can be a really big step.

I love that we are talking about mental health more, but I wish more people spoke up when they don’t have an answer. When it’s jsut a hard time you need to work your way through.

Don’t feel bad for just knowing something is wrong but not knowing how to fix it. For a lot of people, figuring out there’s a problem is the biggest step you can take.

Thing I Learn in Therapy

I’ve been committed tot herapy for a few years now. I regularly meet with my therapist (birtually during the pandemic) and commit to doing the work to make myself a better, happier human being.

Because I tend to have a really hard time talking to people in my life about how I feel, therapy is a way for me to open up to an impartial party and get guidance on what' to do.

Once in awhile I like to share things I learn because they’ve greatly helped me and I think that’s important to talk about.

Recently I have struggled with insomnia. In general I sleep about 4 hours a night. It leaves me exhausted and with a foggy mindset. I also just feel unhealthy and not myself.

I’ve done it all. I’ve done white noise, pink noise, blue noise - all the noise! Aromatherapy, the best in beds, sheets and pillows! Adjusted temperature, boguht the coziest sleepwear ever, played with timing. I even got to the point that I sought medical intervention. Turns out I have an extremely high tolerance to any sleep medication. I can take an Ambien - even two, with no effect.

Last week my therapist asked me to start visualizing my happy place. When my mind is unable to shut off, I am to interrupt myself over and over with visions of where I feel happiest. For me, that’s the track. For you that might be a beach. The point is, go somewhere that you feel safe, empowered, and calm.

The first night I was less than succesful. Truth be told it took me a whole week to be able to actually distract myself enough to stick in my happy place. Now that I am able to stay there though, I physically feel myself relaxing. I take myself back to the track where I feel strongest and I imagine everything from a really good race to a simple Saturday workout.

It seems really simple. And it is. But the mind is a powerful thing. And conquering it’s need to overthink is no easy feat.

I’m not sleeping more than 4-5 hours yet, but I am getting better quality sleep. And I’m falling asleep faster.

Therapy is a complete lifesaver for me. A total game changer. I learn so much about myself and how to be a better me for me. If you have the means, I highlt suggest investing in yourself in the best way possible. Don’t wait until you need therapy, use it as a tool to maintain a high quality of life.

Therapy is visiting the doctor for your mind. And it’s just as important as regular visits to your primary physician.

The Guilt is Heavy

I am exhausted. I am anxious. My insomnia has been completely unmanageable. I’ve really struggled the past month and I feel guilty for that.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Gainfully employed. Incredible benefits. I’m generally healthy. I have a great support system. A safe home. I have every basic need and more during this time.

So I truly struggle with the idea that I can struggle during this time.

I know that’s unrealistic. Comparing traumas or hardships or feelings is not healthy and it isn’t helpful to downplay my own issues.

I think there’s a balance.

It’s ok to struggle but have an understanding that it could be worse. There’s no need to downplay your feelings or needs but there is something to be said for being grateful for what you do have.

I’m not talking toxic positivity. I’m talking perspective.

If 2020 has taught me anything its that I don’t need a whole lot of the things I thought I did. I want a lot of things but don’t truly need them.

So while my anxiety and stress and the things I’m going through this year are very real and very valid, I can take solace in the fact that my life is pretty damn good.

It’s a weird year. And it doesn’t end just because the clock strikes 12 on December 31st.

Give yourself grace to struggle and persevere. Give yourself time to just sit in whatever moment you need to. And without engaging in toxic positivity, gain a little perspective and know that being grateful helps any situation.