TW:Suicide

First and foremost, this is a piece on suicide. Please protect your mental health and if this will trigger you, don’t read it. Please also know there are resources available to you such as 9-8-8, the Suicide Hotline.

More and more, we are seeing some big names die by suicide. Each and every time I see the same disbelief. The “but they seemed so happy” — and it drives me insane.

Everyone with mental health (so, everyone) is succeptible to mental health episodes that can lead to suicide. Everyone.

Instead of being shocked each and every time, we need to start talking more openly about how people get here. We need to stop stigmatizing it and start providing real dialogue and support.

In that spirit, I want to talk about my own mental health struggle and the time I felt suicidal.

When I was in my early 20’s, I had the privilege of working at my alma mater. Specifically in Athletics. It was a dream to get into the space and work everyday at the place that I loved competing at and growing up in for four years. But the work environment was anything but wonderful.

It got to a point there was even a federal investigation (that my complaint was found to be valid) into a senior leader. I spent months having to talk to HR about everything I experienced, provided massive amounts of documentation and was gaslit the entire time. I was young, naive and scared.

Concurrently, I was dealing with very serious unresolved trauma that led me to surround myself with not the best friends, excessively drank and partied, and was dating someone who treated me absolutely awful.

I grew up not talking about my feelings. I was taught it could always be worse, so I shut up and dealt with it. That also meant I felt alone most times.

I suffered through it all at a time when I was already feeling really low about myself. The work stuff just added onto the “it’s you, you’re the problem and you have no value” mindset.

It all got to me. And I finally broke down. I opened up to someone close to me about feeling suicidal. Feeling like things wouldn’t get better and I didn’t have the enery to deal with it anymore.

Unfortunately that person didn’t respond well to my plea for help. They dismissed me. To be honest, I don’t know what stopped me from driving off that bridge. I truly don’t. But I’m really grateful I didn’t.

What I want you to understand is that I’m that person you’re all shocked is more than sunshine glitter and rainbows. I’m the one that gets told “you’re so happy!” “you’re pure light” “your life seems so amazing” — and yes, all of those things are true. But they are not the whole of my existence.

I have experienced more than my fair share of traumas. I could easily be one of the people you’re shocked took their own life. But I’m not.

Recently, a friend died by suicide in the very same way I had thought about doing so. And then seeing Twitch die by suicide — another seemingly happy all the time individual — it’s all triggered me. Not to do the same, but to speak up about my own experiences in hopes that someone reads this and feels seen and heard.

I haven’t had any suicidal ideations since. I work really hard in therapy, with medications, in doing the work to process my trauma. And it’s helped a lot. But not everyone is privileged to have access to these things and not everyone exists in a space where this is possible.

That’s also why I’m writing this. Because we have to help each other. Have the tough conversations. When you ask folks how they’re doing, make sure they actually answer you sincerely. Check in on everyone. Your strong friends, sensitive friends, everyone in between.

I know there’s a lot of animosity in this world and there are plenty of times to speak up, but whenever possible, choose to just be kind. I’m not talking when racist/homophobic/misogynistic shit happens — I’m talking when you get cut off driving, someone takes your place in line, someone is a little rude — let that shit go. Take a deep breath, and move on. Choose to lead with empathy and show up with forgiveness for these folks or just walk away.

You really never know what anyone is going through. I hope that you know someone like me who is sparkle obsessed, always laughing, frequently traveling, surrounded by good people, life loving person — struggles too. People like me can succumb to suicide too. And that doesn’t make me less than.

Lastly, use your resources. Medicine, therapy, meditation, fitness, healthy eating, friends, family, puppies — use whatever is available to you and whatever you have the energy to reach out for. Hotlines and hospitals —anything you need — use it without shame. Asking for help isn’t shameful, it’s the bravest thing you can ever and will ever do. You are worthy and I’m so grateful you are here.

My Anxiety

I always see those lists that say “things people with anxiety do.” They’re so relatable. There’s a lot of things on those that I’m like YES! It’s so important to normalize things that we experience within our mental illness by sharing what we experience.

The most common thing I experience with my anxiety is overthinking. And not just briefly, it’s an all day, cannot turn my brain off shit show. It’s a constant worry, constant moving wheel of over-analyzing, and the inability to relax. My brain is never chilling. It is constantly moving and looking to what we need to be doing/thinking/saying next.

I’m also consistently tense. My therapist has correlated this with my PTSD but I am constantly on edge. When it comes to flight or fight my body is consistently ready to fight. And we aren’t talking “well that’s just being aware and prepared” we are talking I always know where the exits are, I’ve taken note of who’s around and could be a threat, and I’ve got six strategies for protecting myself if I need to. Everywhere. All the time. Test me the next time you see me, without fail I am hyper aware and hyper prepared for anything.

I am always ok. Truly. I struggle like the rest of you, but I will always be ok. I have learned to survive, protect myself, and to always be ok. My anxiety doesn’t let me break down. I have trouble crying. I can’t express my feelings very well. It makes me come off as cold at times and distant at others. People have told me they know me but they don’t feel they know me. That I am always there for others but never seem to need anyone myself.

I overachieve the overachievers. You think you know people who work hard and get shit done? You haven’t met me. I get more work done in a day than most do in a week. And that’s not a brag. It’s a constant need to be the best, do the most and a sense of identity from the things I do.

I’m a control freak. I like schedules, plans, and being 432 steps ahead of the game. I feel it protects me from the what if’s if I can be prepared. I do research like you wouldn’t believe before I go anywhere. Anytime I’m traveling somewhere I am already familiar with that city. I know where it’s safe to go alone, where the best spots to eat are and how to travel as a single woman. I keep emergency supplies in my car like food, water, and a first aid kit. It is not unheard of for me to create minute by minute agendas for myself to manage an anxious day. Oh, not an anxious workday, I’m talking I’ll plan a weekend minute by minute.

Ok, that’s a lot. Like a lot lot. A lot of vulnerability.

There are a lot of other things that are unique to my anxiety and PTSD, but I hope this glimpse into pieces of them are helpful for you. I hope they’re relatable. I hope that you might be a little encouraged. And that you might share your own mental illness quirks with others.

Mental Health May

May is mental health awareness month and while in general I don’t subscribe to this whole one month out of the year awareness situation, I do want to highlight the discussion around mental health.

It seems everywhere we turn in the media, celebrities, athletes, and authority figures are talking about their own experiences with mental health. And it’s about time. But I want to make sure that we are mindful not to sensationalize mental illness.

There’s sort of been this way the media talks about mental health in a way that showcases the struggles as a true Hollywood story, a tale of sadness and drugs and broken relationships that takes away from the ‘normalness’ that is mental health. Certainly there are some very real and very dramatic end of the spectrum mental health stories but being that 1 in 5 Americans suffers from some sort of mental health disorder, it’s more common to have middle of the road experiences.

I’m talking high functioning anxiety, depression, bipolar - the people around you who suffer everyday and work hard to just exist and get through the day. That’s what I want to see highlighted and talked about in the media.

I do not want to belittle the very real addiction struggles as well as the suicide we see in the world. Those stories are real and important too. But until we are able to openly talk about the in between before those things occur, we are not going to be able to openly combat these issues.

I want to see companies, doctors, friends and family talking about anxiety, fear, depression, pain everyday so that we are able to treat mental health like we would physical health. Where there’s a constant check in, check up, and monitoring of your mind every single day.

I want mental health to be considered health. There shouldn’t be a separation, loop it into overall health and well being. Insurance should offer coverage like they do for your physical health.

For mental health May I challenge you to talk to the people around you about their mental health in a really open positive way. Ask questions, be supportive, normalize the conversation. Stop the stigma, the fear, the judgment around what being mentally ill means. Most of all, I challenge you to dig into your own mental health journey and figure out what it looks like and where you’d like it to go. You can’t help others until you figure out how to help yourself.