As you know - since you all read my blog religiously - I've had quite the work journey. I've had the low pay, the dream job, the hostile work environment, the bored out of my mind - all of it. And I've moved over and over, spent 6 months to 4 years at various jobs. The one consistency, the one guiding method to my madness - has been that I refuse to settle.
Because early in my career I dealt with some less than ideal work environments - along the way - I lost my work mojo. I lost my confidence in what I do and I forgot that I'm a really bad ass boss babe. Just as I finally got into my dream gig - what I had spent years working for - I was broken down and beat up. It was a daily grind of not being good enough, being told I was bossy, never praised for the truly incredible events I was producing - and it got to me.
I left that job a little bit broken, defeated, discouraged - and wondering if I'd ever find the right fit. And then I got a new job. And it was another disappointment. And then - it took me SIX MONTHS to find a job I felt I could thrive in. Even after I accepted this new adventure - I had doubts. Was I making the right choice? Would this be just another bad fit? Was I the problem?
It's been about 3+ years of the uncertainties. Of the working hard, giving it everything I've got - and then not being able to feel that confidence in what I've accomplished. My mom calls it my PTSD. I'm so used to this bizarre work life where tough love and breaking you down is the way leadership molds its environment that when I'm in a normal healthy place - I don't know what to do. I'm constantly doubting myself, making a mountain out of a mole hill, and worrying whether I'm as good as I thought.
The thing is - I am really good at this. I'm better than a lotof people at this. My weirdly bubbly and odd ball personality is what gives me some insanely good creative ideas. I am a master of the details. I am fueled by the stressful situations. People like me. I know what it takes to produce the events that make people connect to whatever the goal of that event is - to identify and feel loyalty to that brand. There is tangible proof all of this is true.
And yet most days - there's that evil little PTSD elf sitting on my shoulder saying - you're not good enough. You don't deserve to be here.
Surely part if it is my anxiety. And part of it is the extremes of the work environments I've lived in. But at what point do I take responsibility and say enough is enough. I can't control my anxiety all the time. And I certainly cannot change my past jobs. But I can move forward. I can say - you got out of those situations and you are refusing to settle.
Part of refusing to settle - is taking responsibility and acknowledging I do have that PTSD but those doubts are unfounded. It's making a conscious effort to recognize those situations, those moments of doubt - and stopping that asshole elf before he takes over the sparkles in my brain. It's reminding myself of all the really awesome things I've done and accomplished and moving forward without fear because I am a badass - and these companies are lucky to have me.
We all have our fears, doubts, and freak-outs. We live in a world where working longer, achieving more, and being the best is paramount to anything. Most of us place an unhealthy amount of pressure on ourselves to be perfect. And that's not realistic. And its not productive. It's not how we become better.
So as I learn to get my workplace swagg back - in a new job that affords me a really great environment to do so - I am choosing to cut myself a break, be my own cheerleader, and have faith in the business woman that I know I am.