New Normal

Since I know you've been religiously reading my blog, you're caught up on my new normal of setting boundaries in the workplace and balancing a personal life.  I'm proud to say that for the past few weeks I've actually been able to do it, and it's weird.  

As a working adult I've only ever experienced the overworked endless to do list life. I've never gone through the work day at ease or with time to actively focus on one task.  It's been constant putting out of fires and leaving at the end of the day completely drained.

But for the past few weeks I've left work feeling accomplished.  I have had a reasonable workload.  I haven't been on an airplane.  I haven't been surviving on a few hours of sleep.  I've even left my desk for lunch.  

And in true form - this gives me anxiety.

Because I only know the life of an overachiever, a save the day hero, a never say no champion - I feel like an absolute waste of space existing in normal job land.  I'm paranoid I've become like everyone else, good at my job but not the star.  I'm worried I'm seen as a slacker.  That I'm not doing enough.

Keep in mind I put in my 8+ hours each day so I'm by no means coasting through anything.  I'm actually more productive because I have the time to perfect the details, to look at how we can grow accounts, and to evaluate past events.  

But I can't help but wonder - is this normal?  Is this what it's like to be a normal employee somewhere?  You do your job, you go home and you live your life and there's this sense of calm and that's just ok?  What do I do with my hands?  Where's the fire drill?

I recently started therapy (I know, I'm so evolved look at me!) and my therapist is working on getting me to understand what it's like to shift my commitment to work to myself.  To learn to continue to be really good at what I do but to also take that same dedication to building up my personal life.  To understanding that I don't have to be it all to be valued in my company.  

Right now - I'm not very good at it if we are being really honest.  But I'm starting to get addicted to being invested in myself.  To leaving work at work, to saying no to taking it all on.  There's still that little voice that taps me on the shoulder and says you're not enough, you're missing out on opportunities when you set boundaries - but then there's this sparkly bitch on my other shoulder who has a fire inside of her.  She likes Pilates and dinners with friends.  She enjoys going on dates.  She lives for quiet time to write at home.  She's super passionate about her Thursday night TV shows.  

The more that sparkly angel speaks up and the more I feed her energy, the quieter my anxiety monster gets.  And while I very well could miss out on something in my career, the balance is worth it.  Feeling whole again is worth it.  It's so damn cliché and yet something I have wholeheartedly yearned to embody: On your deathbed, do you want to remember all the times you stayed late for work or do you want to remember all the passions you felt and the people you made memories with?          

Work Swagg

As you know - since you all read my blog religiously - I've had quite the work journey.  I've had the low pay, the dream job, the hostile work environment, the bored out of my mind - all of it.  And I've moved over and over, spent 6 months to 4 years at various jobs.  The one consistency, the one guiding method to my madness - has been that I refuse to settle.

Because early in my career I dealt with some less than ideal work environments - along the way - I lost my work mojo.  I lost my confidence in what I do and I forgot that I'm a really bad ass boss babe.  Just as I finally got into my dream gig - what I had spent years working for - I was broken down and beat up.  It was a daily grind of not being good enough, being told I was bossy, never praised for the truly incredible events I was producing - and it got to me.

I left that job a little bit broken, defeated, discouraged - and wondering if I'd ever find the right fit.  And then I got a new job.  And it was another disappointment.  And then - it took me SIX MONTHS to find a job I felt I could thrive in.  Even after I accepted this new adventure - I had doubts.  Was I making the right choice?  Would this be just another bad fit?  Was I the problem?

It's been about 3+ years of the uncertainties.  Of the working hard, giving it everything I've got - and then not being able to feel that confidence in what I've accomplished.  My mom calls it my PTSD.  I'm so used to this bizarre work life where tough love and breaking you down is the way leadership molds its environment that when I'm in a normal healthy place - I don't know what to do.  I'm constantly doubting myself, making a mountain out of a mole hill, and worrying whether I'm as good as I thought.

The thing is - I am really good at this.  I'm better than a lotof people at this.  My weirdly bubbly and odd ball personality is what gives me some insanely good creative ideas.  I am a master of the details.  I am fueled by the stressful situations.  People like me.  I know what it takes to produce the events that make people connect to whatever the goal of that event is - to identify and feel loyalty to that brand.  There is tangible proof all of this is true.

And yet most days - there's that evil little PTSD elf sitting on my shoulder saying - you're not good enough.  You don't deserve to be here. 

Surely part if it is my anxiety.  And part of it is the extremes of the work environments I've lived in.  But at what point do I take responsibility and say enough is enough.  I can't control my anxiety all the time.  And I certainly cannot change my past jobs.  But I can move forward.  I can say - you got out of those situations and you are refusing to settle. 

Part of refusing to settle - is taking responsibility and acknowledging I do have that PTSD but those doubts are unfounded.  It's making a conscious effort to recognize those situations, those moments of doubt - and stopping that asshole elf before he takes over the sparkles in my brain.  It's reminding myself of all the really awesome things I've done and accomplished and moving forward without fear because I am a badass - and these companies are lucky to have me. 

We all have our fears, doubts, and freak-outs.  We live in a world where working longer, achieving more, and being the best is paramount to anything.  Most of us place an unhealthy amount of pressure on ourselves to be perfect.  And that's not realistic.  And its not productive.  It's not how we become better.

So as I learn to get my workplace swagg back - in a new job that affords me a really great environment to do so - I am choosing to cut myself a break, be my own cheerleader, and have faith in the business woman that I know I am. 

The Power of Culture

I've spent a lot of time in work environments that were unhealthy.  Between working 24/7, being verbally harassed, and colleagues pitted against each other - I've never been part of a work culture that I enjoyed.  Being in sports I mostly assumed this was what I was going to have to deal with if I chose to stay in the entertainment events world.  But I also knew that I couldn't sustain a life where I felt exhausted, discouraged, and physically unhealthy. 

Flash forward to February of 2016.  I was yet again in a position that wasn't fulfilling and an environment that made me miserable.  At this point I even started to think I may be the problem.  I had been unhappy in my new role since about the second month I arrived.  I began looking for a new job about month three.  And in month six - I was "laid off due to budget concerns."  Realistically it was the only way they could get rid of me because technically I was doing a great job but I was pushing back against the culture and the role that was not as promised.  As stressful as it was to be in the position I was in, I felt relief not having to go back to that job for one more day.

The day I was let go I made myself a promise.  I was going to focus my efforts on finding a role with a company that was the right fit culturally.  I was going to ask more questions, do more research and refuse to settle until it felt right.  I was turned down for jobs I thought were perfect and I turned down jobs that would have been just fine but weren't going to provide me the environment I craved.

Six months later I accepted a position with a company that I spent a good four weeks interviewing with.  I researched the company on Glassdoor, I reached out to contacts and learned firsthand what the company was like to be at, and I asked the questions they say you're not supposed to ask in interviews.  I made it clear a work life balance was important to me.  I spoke openly about my past environment issues and emphasized the importance of being somewhere with a culture I believed in and felt valued in.  And when four weeks later, on Christmas Eve, when I was offered the position - the way in which it was offered - the offer itself that the team worked hard to be able to offer me - the emphasis on how even though the other candidate has more direct agency experience but they felt a better connection with me - everything about it felt right. 

Almost three months later I still feel that same confidence in the choice I made.  From day one the responsibility I've been given, the way in which my personal time is respected, the way people interact with each other - is a complete 180 from anything I've ever experienced in a company.  I work a lot, especially with my travel schedule recently, but I don't feel the same emotional exhaustion that I've dealt with in the past.  The standards are high, the expectations even higher, the level of talent in one place is above and beyond anywhere I've been - and it creates a level of trust, competition, and excitement that makes coming to work fun.  My days fly by and are often chaotic, but I'm never bored and I'm always learning.

Sure, it's early in the game.  I've made the mistake of thinking things were rainbows and unicorns too early before.  And this could be something that doesn't workout.  But now that I know the possibility of happiness at work is a thing - I'm even more determined to stick with my never settle mentality.  Because its not me.  I am good at what I do, I'm a MF delight to be around, and I work hard.  Of course I still have a little PTSD and have my moments of doubt in myself.  And no, contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect, I screw up.  I still stress myself out for no reason.  And I am learning to get my confidence back in who I am at work.  But all the abuse, the misery, the years of never giving up - they're worth it.  My journey isn't traditional.  My path is often lonely.  But it's something I fiercely believe in and each day of happiness reinforces my belief that the dream is worth fighting for. 

Whatever the dream job and environment is for you - it's out there.  It's not easy to find.  It's often long and exhausting.  But giving up, taking the easy road, staying in the bad situation - that's not how you achieve the dream.  Don't give up.  Don't stop showing up.  And don't ever let anyone keep you from what makes your soul shine.