Complimentary

Compliments make me feel awkward. Like hives awkward. I don’t know how to respond, what to say, what to do with my hands - none of it.

If I’m getting into my college sociology about it, I think most women don’t know how to manage compliments. Unlike men, we are taught to be humble and put ourselves second. So we shrug off the niceties and give the credit to others, even when that credit is ours to take.

If I’m getting psychological about it, I think it’s my life as an athlete and the culture of being the best but owing it to the team and coaches. It’s ingrained in us to work really hard but share the credit with the people who motivate us each day.

I’m sure it also has to do with my deep rooted need to criticize myself because I won’t accept anything less than perfection.

Whatever the reason, I cannot take a compliment.

Watching me take a compliment is like watching a baby giraffe take its first steps. It’s all wild flailing and massive falls.

I want to be better about taking compliments and accepting credit where it is due because I work really hard and I’m a really good person.

I think building my confidence and learning to accept my flaws is rooted in being able to simply say thank you when someone says something kind about me.

I’m working on challenging myself to do so. To say thank you and move on.

And that shit is hard. Really hard.

Every time I receive a compliment, I can say thank you, but then I immediately want to word vomit something that makes me more humble or point out a negative trait about myself. It’s a physical need where this tiny little anxiety monster yells at me like “YOU”RE NOT THAT GREAT SAY IT.” And so I do.

Literally the only place I’ve been successful thus far is in therapy, and that’s because my therapist will stop me and not allow me to qualify myself.

The more and more I practice though, the easier it is getting to tell my anxiety monster to back off.

It’s part of our culture to practice humility. And that’s important. But it is also important to acknowledge the really great things about who you are. Life reminds us often of our imperfections, allowing the things that make us great to be said out loud is important to maintaining a good personal value.

Get complimentary, and get that way with yourself.

I'm sorry

Part of growing and accepting myself has revolved around not being sorry for existing. Women specifically have often been taught to exist quietly. We apologize often, beg off compliments, and often try our best to blend in.

I’ve never been able to blend in. And I never will be.

I am forever guilty of begging off compliments, sharing credit when its mine to own, and apologizing for being a really big personality.

It’s exhausting.

And the more I grow and love myself, the more people are intimidated by that. I’ve been called arrogant, too much, bossy - honestly I’ve heard it all.

When you choose to love yourself, to stop apologizing for existing, you have to accept that not everyone is so brave. They may try to break you down because they cannot do what you have done. That is not yours to own.

Start recognizing when you apologize or belittle yourself. Take the time to stop, correct the behavior, and move forward. The more you do so, the more you’ll find you stop apologizing.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered the art of this skill. I have my moments where I make myself smaller to make others comfortable. But I’m trying.

The fun part about refusing to be sorry is that the less I do it, the more confident I am. I love myself more. I get this insane sense of faith in myself and what I can do for this world.

Who are you to shrink yourself to make others comfortable? What if you could change the world but you stayed small because you weren’t able to stand up and say I won’t apologize because I have so much to give. I say it often because it seems to prove true with each day - but you have one life. One chance to get the most out of it. Would you rather simply exist or unapologetically thrive?

Love Me Some Me

Recently there is a movement for self love. And that’s a movement I am here for. As someone who spent years unsure of who she was and who still continues to struggle to show myself the love I so freely give others, I deeply appreciate this moment in time.

I love love. I love celebrating Valentine’s Day. I’m here for the engagement announcements, the weddings, the new relationship love - all of it is such a positive time. I’m here for celebrating love. And the love I want to celebrate most of all in life is self love.

For the 300th time, because I’ve certainly written about this before, if you do not love yourself, you will not have a successful relationship with anyone else. You may find a mate, marry them, spend the rest of your life with them - but unless you’re also deeply in love with yourself, that forever love is not at its best.

Self love is a constantly evolving process. I don’t know many people who feel rainbows and unicorns about themselves 100% of the time. I certainly have my off days and I think that’s ok. You can’t be on 100% of the time. But if most of the days you can say I love who I am, that’s a huge win.

For me, the first step in learning to love myself was to get honest with myself. I had to first drop all of the lies I told myself and I had to write down what I don’t love about who I am. For example, when I was in my 20’s and single, I would tell myself I loved that life. The truth? I wasn’t comfortable being single. I pretended to enjoy it but I was not happy without a partner, which is why I was always talking to or dating someone. Now, I’m very comfortable single because I understand that having a good relationship is what counts. Being single doesn’t make me less than like I thought it once did.

Writing down the things I dislike about myself is still to this day a really powerful thing for me. It’s saying out loud the pieces I think are awful. And then it’s understanding WHY I feel that way. Because a lot of those things are actually absurd or they’re things that others love about me. When you write these things out, they’re tangible and you’re forced to dive into perspective. I’m most often able to easily eliminate a few of those by simply working through the feelings behind the insecurity. And the rest, I take to therapy or I work on how I can adjust them to not be a daily hindrance to my self love.

Another example - I’ve been an athlete my entire life. That means a lot of my self worth is directly connected to my body. Having to train sometimes 4-5 hours a day, meant that for most of my life, I had a pretty dang bangin bod. I also am blessed to have great metabolism. But when I stopped being a competitive athlete, hit 30, didn’t always eat as healthy - my body shape changed. I’m not 130 pounds of pure muscle anymore. I’m curvy, sometimes I’d dare say I feel chubby. Body dysmorphia is something I’ve struggled with on and off since I can remember. I have to remind myself often that my body has been through a lot. And it’s given me some of the best moments of my life. And I make myself thankful for those things. I’m extra mindful when I’m not body positive and I do things that make me feel good about myself. I do fitness activities that make me feel confident. I don’t workout to punish myself, I workout because it’s something I love to do. I’ll change my diet to be a little healthier. And I cut myself a break during Holidays or vacations when I indulge more. I am patient with myself.

Something that is also really helpful for me is to write on post its things I love about myself and leave the notes around my home, car, and office where they’ll serve as reminders throughout the day. It’s silly and may not work for you, but I’m easily motivated. When I read these positive reinforcements I think to myself - HELL YEA YOU ARE! If I really need some love, I’ll ask my friends to tell me what they love most about me. Often times our friends love the quirks about us that we may even consider negative. Again, perspective helps.

I hope this Valentine’s Day you’re celebrating lots of love with the people around you that you love. I hope you see this day as a day for everyone, more specifically and most importantly - for YOU. Celebrate your love with those most important to you, but celebrate the most important relationship (the one with yourself) FIRST.

Happy hearts and love day sequins!

What a Weirdo!

I’ve been called weird a lot in my life. I’m loud, sparkle obsessed, lack a filter — the list goes on. People call me weird.

I’m here to tell you:

Whatever makes you weird, that’s your greatest asset.

Read that back. And own it.

I’m known for being extremely into glitter, sequins, anything sparkly. And I’m 33. I’m not a 5 year old watching Frozen. I’m a grown woman obsessed with all things that shine. It’s weird. And it’s also dope.

My sparkle is my asset. It’s what makes me resilient, passionate, HAPPY, and fiercely myself. It sets me apart. It’s what makes me a little weird but also when people think of sparkle, they think of me. And it makes them smile. It makes me unique. And it’s my superpower.

We all spend so much time trying to fit in. Of course we want to be well liked and some of us even want to blend in. But if there’s something that makes you a little weird, but that wholeheartedly makes you feel authentically you — embrace that quality. It’s what’s going to give you a leg up in life because it’s what you’re the best at.

If you’re really into science, random trivia, drawing cartoons - own that. There’s a place for that in the world and because its what you’re passionate about, you’re going to excel at it. And somebody somewhere, they’re going to need you for it.

Think about it — if we all look the same, act the same, love the same — where is the opportunity to thrive? You thrive because your weirdness is uniquely yours. And it can’t be replaced. So it’s your greatest strength.

I get it - some other person out there is wildly obsessed with shiny things like I am. But they don’t act on that in the same way I do. We don’t have the same personality. So how that weirdness shows up for me isn’t how it shows up for them. Our assets are just a little bit different.

And the difference is what makes us really awesome. It’s what you can contribute to the world. It’s how you leave your mark. And fuck anyone who says differently.

When someome tells me I’m weird, I thank them. You know who you don’t forget? The weird one. I’m not easy to forget because I’m weird.

People who don’t appreciate weird, they’re not for me. I don’t want to see another average Joe. I want to know what makes your face light up. What keeps you up late at night because you can’t put it down. What gets you going in the morning because you can’t wait to get back to it.

We have a world right now that’s absolutely breaking down people who aren’t the same. You have to be American, white, male — or we have to build a wall. We have to deny you citizenship. We have to say you’re weird and different and you’re wrong.

YOU’RE NOT.

The differences — the weirdness — that’s what keeps us going. It’s what keeps us thriving. It’s how we create greatness. Embrace your weird. Never apologize for it. And find out what makes others weird, and celebrate that.

Your weirdness is your greatest asset because its what you’re really really good at. It’s your niche market. Your greatest skill. Don’t lose it. Don’t hide it. Don’t apologize for it.

Show the world your freak flag man, it’s got the potential to make the world a better place.

Pop the Bubble

I've moved a lot. I spent 26 years in California and then I left and never stopped moving.

A lot of people question me for it. They ask what I'm running from. They call me flighty. They assume I have no plan. And what that tells me is that they're unsure of who they are.

I'm not running from anything. I've never been flighty about anything in my life. And everything I've ever done stems from an elaborate plan.

What happened was I became brave enough to pop the bubble.

I took a risk, I left everything I ever knew, and I moved to a place where I didn't know a soul.

And it was the single best thing I could have ever done for myself.

Having the courage to completely leave the bubble I was raised in was the scariest thing I have ever done. And at the same time, it's been the most defining moment of my life.

It's given me confidence in who I am and who I can be. I know that no matter what happens, I can do anything. I can pick myself up after any failure and I can achieve all the dreams I set for myself.

That's why I keep moving.

I refuse to get too comfortable. I refuse to stop growing. I refuse to settle for anything less than everything.

If a job, relationship, city doesn't feel right, I leave. Because I can.

Nothing is permanent. No situation is forever. You have the opportunity to change at any given moment if you have the courage and commitment to do so.

I know that if I'm going through a hard time, if I don't like the job I've accepted, the state I've moved to, it's all fixable. Certainly I advise giving all of that time and get to the root of the issue before making any major decisions, but don't let the negativity consume you. Have confidence that you can make a comeback, there are always options.

My only regret is that I waited 26 years to start the adventure. Because that's what it's been, the biggest best adventure of my life. It's the road to learning who I am and what I'm made of. It's getting the opportunity to work at my dream job. And then it's being completely broken when it was the worst job I ever had. It's the the city I never thought I'd love again but fell for in a whole new way. And it's being broken again when circumstances beyond my control forced me to leave that city and spend 6 whole months finding my next adventure. It's all of those and the ones after and the ones yet to come.

The day I dropped my parents off at the airport in Denver and was truly on my own for the first time, I cried. And I don't cry. My best girls actually refer to a bar in Santa Monica as the first time I ever cried because in the 10 years they've known me, that's the only time they've seen me cry. But I cried like a tiny baby the entire hour drive back to my new home. I had never been so far from my support system. I didn't have any friends. I didn't even know where to buy groceries.

I look back on those two years and laugh. The things I didn't know how to do. The fears I had. Look at me now. I'm a professional at moving. An expert at creating a full life in whatever city I land in. I don't even think twice about picking up and driving to a new home halfway across the country. In fact, I thrive on it.

I am fueled by the opportunities to live a life I don't even know about yet. It's exciting to think of the potential out there. I don't fear failure anymore. I fear complacency. I fear not being able to get the most out of my journey. I am so confident in my ability to succeed that I am crazy enough to think that all my dreams can come true.

Stop complaining. Stop wishing for more. Stop being afraid. Pop the freaking bubble. And watch all your limits cease to exist.

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

We are going to do Independence day a little differently this year.  I'm all in for celebrating America, but this time, I'm celebrating the independence of the United States of ME.

It's been a year (or like 200 years) of trying to figure out how to be this badass human on my own.  To stand as me, for me, and to not apologize for that.

So this 4th of July, I'm going to celebrate all of the things that make me an independent human being. Big or small - we gonna celebrate them all!  And in keeping with my no apologies sentiment of late, I'm not going to provide an explanation for these reasons I'm celebrating. It doesn't matter, all that matters is that I value them.

I pay my own bills

I've moved to three states where I haven't known a soul

I got the dream job

I left the dream job

I broke up with the person who was wrong for me

I walked away from the amazing job offer that couldn't pay me my value

I expressed my feelings to a friend who wasn't making me feel appreciated

I committed to the hard cutoff 

I said I miss you

I traveled to Europe for two weeks

I have kept up my blog for almost two years

I learned how to schedule self care and stick with it

I got a side hustle, and made it successful

I paid off debt

I found a fitness routine that I'm in love with

I stood up against injustice 

I got educated and took steps towards preventing familial cancer

I've done a lot.  And taken a lot of steps that I'm very proud of.  I've got a lot of goals and steps towards being even more independent, but I'm proud of myself and how far I've come to better myself.

Headphones On.

As much as I've always been perceived as someone with supreme confidence, I do have moments of weakness where I worry about what other people think of me.  At work, in the family, with friends - I'll get stuck in a what do they really think of me phase and what I have started to remind myself is:

"What other people think of me, is none of my business"

Let that sink in.  We often talk about things that are nobody else's business but what about the things that are none of your business?  For the most part, what other people think of you has a whole lot more to do with them than it does you.  And regardless of who you are, chances are, someone has said something unkind about you.  At work, in our personal lives - its human nature to have opinions about other people.  Realistically, know those things aren't going to aid you in being a better you.  So make them none of your business.

In the workplace, I am a force.  I have incredibly high standards for myself and quite frankly, not everyone has the same standards for themselves.  That makes me a target for people who can't or don't want to keep up.  

On social media, I am vocal.  I have strong opinions regarding social and political issues and I'm not afraid to stand up for those opinions.  That makes me a target for people who love to argue.

In my personal life, I am a firecracker.  I'm the loudest person in the group and I'm always talking.  That makes me a target for people who aren't as spirited.  

I'm not a blend into the world type of human.  I've had a lot of people say a lot of really awful things about me in every facet of life.  Sometimes I let it get to me, but more often than not I understand that when you're someone who reuses to fade into the crowd, a lot of people are going to try and bring you down.  Let them.  That's none of your business.

"Lions don't concern themselves with the opinions of sheep."

It's the most cliché quote in the whole book when it comes to gossip - but it's something I repeat to myself as often as possible.  The real leaders, the dreamers that turn into doers, the best people - they're kind, they're focused, and they know that what other people say about them, is none of their damn business.

The Most.

I've always been the definition of extra.  I'm loud, opinionated, bubbly, and I don't come with an off switch.  And for a really long time in life, I felt ashamed because people often called me too much.

I spent a very long time trying to tone down who I am to make others comfortable.  But it turns out, I can't be toned down.  And forever and always, I was born to sparkle.  

We all spend a good majority of our lives trying to figure out who we are and come to terms with all that means.  From a very young age, I knew I was this vivacious spirit.  But because a lot of other people told me that wasn't the right way to be, I believed them and tried to downplay who I am.

Today, I know that for a lot of people I may be a whole lot to handle.  It takes a lot of energy to engage with me.  But I'm also a lot of fun, a lot of joy, and one incredible human being.  I like to think I bring a lot to the table with my need to do the most.  I won’t apologize or feel shame for being a whole lot to handle because I am wholeheartedly a lot to love.

Life is really hard.  We've got jobs and bills and health and family and relationships - there's a lot to do and balance.  Do yourself a favor and figure out who you are at your core as soon as you possibly can and just own whoever that is.  And don't let anyone tell you there's anything wrong with whoever you decide that is.  

Boys Would Like Me More If...

I cannot count how many times I've heard a woman say this and follow it with something wrong with herself.  It's bigger boobs, skinnier, different hair, better clothes - its a million different things that women are bred to believe they need in order to attract men.  I've said it myself when I was younger - I needed to be more something or less something in order to find a man.   And while I'm well aware this is not isolated to women - a lot of women have felt this doubt.  

The truth is - boys probably would like you more if you were a little more X and a little less Y.  But MEN - men will love you for the unique qualities that make you who you are.  And as a grown woman in the world - YOU need to take responsibility for loving you as you are, and expecting this.  

I think it's true of anyone - male or female - that society puts a lot of pressure on us to be a lot of things.  I hear many of my peers still questioning who they are and why they're not a magnet for the opposite sex.  And that makes me really sad and quite frankly bored.

Confidence in who you are and what you bring to the table is not easy.  But I can promise you - the reason that you are single is not because you are too fat, too thin, too loud, too whatever - you're single because you have no idea who you are or how to love you for all that means.  

If you do not love you, nobody else can love you.  #Science

Boxes, Part Two

Awhile back I wrote about putting friends in boxes and understanding the role they play within your life.  Now I'm going to teach you the art of not fitting into the boxes people put you in.  I know, hell of a confusing stance on boxes isn't it?

In life your people will put you into boxes.  And for the most part, these will be social or friendship categories that you fall within their circle.  But sometimes the people in our lives get a little too actively involved in who we are and create these constraints as to who they think we are.  They choose to define our roles in the world for us.

For example - as long as I can remember - some of the people in my life have put me into many roles based on how they view my choices and who I am.  I'm a failure because I move jobs a lot.  I'm angry because I'm outspoken.  I'm a bimbo because I'm so bubbly.  I've been labeled about 1,000 things for as long as I can remember - and when that comes from those closest to you, it can affect you for a really long time.  It can create a pain that's hard to get rid of.

The good news?  You can get rid of it.  Bust out of those boxes and define your own damn life.  

It took me a lot longer than I'd like to admit to stand up to the people who have ignorantly chosen to put me in certain boxes.  And I have often been made to be someone I'm not when I do stand up and say - that's on you, that's not who I am.  

BUT - the more I do say that's your circus, that's how you choose to see me - and then wash my hands of that label - the more power I feel.  The more confidence I feel in who I actually am.

I'm not a failure - I'm successful, I am brave, and I am far more career savvy than many give me credit for.  I am not an angry human - I am happy, passionate, and I am inherently kind.  Being positive, upbeat, and a damn sparkler - that doesn't make me a bimbo, it makes me a shining light!

People who put you in boxes that define who you are in their mind are insecure.  They are ignorant to your truth.  They're wrapped up in who you are, when they should be wrapped up in their own lives.  You cannot control them.  You can't change their opinions.  But you can continue to define your own life.  To decide on your own who you are and then stand on your own for who that is.  

People will always talk about you.  They'll always pretend to know more about you than you do.  And that has not one MF thing to do with you.