A New Kind of Fear

I tend to think I'm invincible.  I generally don't get scared of any real threat.  Sure, I'm ridiculously afraid of spiders and mascots but in terms of real safety concerns I generally assume I'll be fine. 

It seems every day we hear about campus shootings.  We watch the news and see the faces of the people experiencing the tragedy and we cannot fathom how that would feel. 

On June 1st at 9:49am I learned exactly how it feels.  A campus alert went out notifying us that an active shooter was on campus and we needed to lock down our building.  Students and staff were asked to stay off campus and seek shelter if they were already on site.  At that time we didn't receive much information.  Many of us honestly thought it was a drill or some kind of misunderstanding. 

As news reports and social media started to flood our phones, we learned this was very real.  There were reports that two people were dead, that there were upwards of 5 shooters, that they had enough supplies to do serious damage, and the stories continued to grow.  As we sat in our office reading information and watching the news - we knew no more than you did - but we were living what you were watching.

I'm inherently a problem solver.  I want to formulate plans and create solutions.  Very early on I became aware that my department had no plan.  It went so far as my supervisor expected me to continue sitting at my desk working - and was irritated when I was visibly upset by this request.  We were called into the boss' office (inside a room covered with windows mind you) where we were told not to post on social media and to lean on each other during this time.  Again - there was no plan should the shooter(s) come to our building next.

As I sat in a chair, watching the new, receiving texts and social media updates asking if I was safe - the real fear began to sink in.  We had no information, no plan of action, and no concept of what the next steps could be.  In my head - I made a plan.  If you know me - you know at any given time I'm aware of my surroundings and I've got a strategic plan for almost any situation.  I grew up in an extremely safe suburban setting and for some reason I'm still the one you want on your side in an emergency. 

Thankfully - we were never in any harm after that initial alert came across.  There was in fact only one shooter and one person killed.  It was a targeted attack and ended very quickly.  The hours after the attack were spent searching and securing the area.  This was Los Angeles after all.  Within minutes the campus police, Los Angeles police, sheriffs, FBI, and other federal entities were all on campus.  That was the only thing that gave me some sense of safety, knowing how responsive and prepared these officers were.  Truly - Los Angeles sees it all - these officers were organized, efficient, and I'm incredibly thankful for everything they did that day.

Even though I was really not in any danger at any point - I didn't know that.  It was hours of fearing the unknown, of having no plan, and frankly of having leadership not show much serious care for the situation.  For the first time in a really long time - I felt real fear.  The kind of fear that makes you freeze because you truly never thought that you'd be in such an unusual situation.  And every time I see a school shooting on the news - my stomach falls, I get goosebumps.  Because I have semblance of how those people feel. 

I don't know how to solve the worlds problems - but I do know when people start shooting up our schools - we have to take that seriously.  We need to think less of who is doing it and look at why.  Why do they feel its the only option?  How do they get to this point?  What are the signs?  It's happening far too often.  And it needs to be addressed.  It's not just about guns.  It's not about a certain ethnic group.  It's about a centralized problem - mental health.  A mentally healthy person does not do this.  We need to start with understanding mental health before we can begin to effect change. 

I never want to feel that kind of fear again.  And I never want to see another news story about it happening to other people.  It's a new kind of fear - the fear that its happening where we work, where we learn - while we are going about our everyday lives.  It's a new kind of fear that doesn't discriminate based on race, class, or social structure.  It truly can happen to you.

Dating in 2016 Part 2 - Expectations

By popular demand, reader feedback (You guys people are actually reading this), and the fact that I have so much to say - Dating in 2016 is going to be a series.  Part 2 is thanks to my good friend Steve and his office. Let's talk dating expectations. 

It's 2016.  We've gotten so lazy that you can now swipe right instead of making an actual booty call.  What a time to be alive!

Now I've changed this scenario somewhat because its my website and I'll do what I want.  Let's begin.  Suzy is 28, met Joe on Tinder and they've gone on 4 dates.  Sally is 45, met Bob on eHarmony and they've gone on 4 dates too.  Suzy and Sally have each been invited to Joe and Bob's homes for dinner.  Suzy goes into date 5 at Joe's assuming there is an expectation of a hookup.  Sally does not.  This prompted a much debated discussion in the office: What are the dating expectations today?  In a culture fueled by sex and blurred labels - what's the normal?

Being that I'm diligent in my research and lacking of a filter - I asked around.  I polled strangers (which was super awkward and equally delightful), I asked family, and I made my friends give me the dirtiest of details.  Here's what I not surprisingly discovered:

Scientific Findings (aka Proven fact because #Science)

  • Younger generations (35 and below) have expectations of getting some a lot sooner than those say 40+
  • Men tend to assume a home date equals getting some more than women but most people 35 and under say its a general assumption regardless of their gender.
  • Most older individuals I spoke to think our generation has lost the art of romance.  They believe we don't take marriage seriously and we tend to look for the next best thing
  • A good percentage of those I polled (again age 35 and younger) agree that by date three there's definite physical contact expected
  • Of the older crowd I asked most had 5 or fewer lifetime partners and that there shouldn't be any expectations about physical contact at any time but should happen when a serious relationship is established after some time

Personally, I do think a lot of our generation and the next are living in a world of relationship expectations.  And a lot of those expectations are physical.  We like to live in a world of "when are we having sex" but refuse to define "what we are."  At the end of the day its whatever works for each person - but the more I hear about kids younger and younger involved sexually, the more I worry for my future kids.  We've gone from expecting formal dates with chivalry to just hoping the tinder date looks like their profile picture and won't kill us.  And the minute you ask someone about expectations, the assumption is physical.  It's not about expectations of relationships or dating or emotional anything, just sex.  Let me pose a few questions:

  • What are some of your dating expectations and timelines?
  • If a partner sets expectations of formal dates and old school chivalry - are you likely to consider her high maintenance (let's face it this isn't a man asking for this.)?
  • How long are you willing to wait for physical contact outside of kissing?
  • When do you consider yourself dating someone exclusively?

Would love some feedback!  Comment below or send me an email.  Part 3 may include your feedback...

AND - if you've got some good dating topics you want explored, please email me!  If I can make them awkward, funny or insightful, I'll use them!