Milestones

I wanted to elaborate on milestones. As I mentioned last week, I’ve spent the last five yeas really reevaluating what life expectations actually align with what I want out of my time here.

Society does a lot to remind us that life is supposed to be an organized list of accomplishments.

You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you buy a house, you have some kids, you retire, you die. That’s the list and everything is required in a certain time frame or your society fairy will fine you and report you to the police. And then you will go to prison and die. These are the rules.

So like a lot of us who grew up with parents who did these things, I had these expectations for myself.

And then when I didn’t check these boxes in the time frame society told me to, I started to panic.

My society fairy would show up at 24 and tell me hey babe your friends from college are actually making 6 figures in the city and you’re making $32K and can’t afford top ramen most days.

At 26 she tapped me on the shoulder and said hey gorg, know that you’ve got a whole roster of men folk (love that for you) but you should have picked and married one by now. Meanwhile it’s Sunday at 9am and you’re grabbing your shoes from this guys floor and your cousin is picking you up because you left your car at the bar (we didn’t have uber then you little Gen z babies, the walk of shame was a true experience).

At 30 the bitch straight up called and said ok we have a problem. You’e 30, unmarried, not a millionaire and everyone else is on a private jet to Mykonos but you’re drunk at the Grand Canyon.

And now in a few months, at 35, my society fairy is going to bring a committee of society fairies to stage an intervention. 35 and gasp unmarried? NO children? You’re not a homeowner counting your big fat 401k from your Tesla SUV? HOW DARE YOU! The audacity.

But alas my friends, it is true. I’m going to be all of these things and more.

And I’d like to say to my society fairy and her panel of drag judges — we love it here.

Society has told me to do all the things and I truly thought I wanted and needed those things to live a complete and happy life. Without them surely I would be a failure and miserable human being. A curse upon my soul. A pox upon my overpriced apartment.

I’d like to let you in on a little secret — I’m neither of those things.

I am thriving. Some days sure, I don’t wash my hair, I wear dirty clothes, I spend all day eating cheese an chocolate and I don’t speak to other humans.

I like those parts of my life.

I like the life I have built and the experience I’m having here on Earth.

I am open to marriage most days, consider having kids about 1 day a month, and I do plan to buy a house soon. Maybe 2.

I also think that if you know me, the me that is authentically myself, it makes perfect sense to you that my wild spirit would never follow the rules of society. She’s too stubborn for that.

It makes no sense to me to think I would have been married in my 20’s when I was having the time of my life while simultaneously trying to be everything to everyone except myself.

It is unimaginable that I would trade the bucket list experiences I had in sports for a high powered city job and six figures.

When my society fairy taps me on the back these days, I tell her calm down babe, I’ll get to it. Or I won’t, I haven’t decided yet. But text me later k?

The whole point is that I am now in control. Or out of control? And I am more easily able to sit in uncomfortable feelings of falling behind and say is this a society fairy shoulder tap or how you’re really feeling? And if the answer is an authentic yearning for something, I go out there and make space for that thing in my life.

Milestones are incredible. They help create a full life. But are the milestones you have on your list ones that you have created or ones your society fairy has brought to you to fulfill?

Marinate in whatever space your society fairy sticks you in, but don’t stay there long. Hear the girl out, but don’t blindly follow her lead.

Build a life full of milestones that meet your expectations, make you proud, and make your journey feel full. That’s a life of milestones that matters.

Fake Adult

I’m about to be 35 in a couple months.

When I was 16, 35 to me was the time in which I would be married, have 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a bitchin car in the driveway.

My 35 doesn’t look like that.

Having spent the last 5 years redefining what I thought my future was supposed to be has been a journey. It’s been a whole lot of unlearning societal expectations, struggling with those milestones not reached, and realizing that a lot of the things I thought I wanted were in fact just things I thought we did as adults.

And now, as I come upon an age that seemed about 1,000 yeas away, I feel like a fake adult.

I’m doing all the things society tells you to do when it comes to being an adult. I have a great job, I’m paying my bills, I’m not committing wild crimes. I generally make it through the day without any trouble.

All the things on paper, I’m out here doing them.

Internally though, I feel 25. I feel like there’s so many of the things I’m not checking off. I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor any real desire right now to have any), I don’t own a house. Did buy myself the bitchin new car though.

All in all, you’d look at me and say yes queen, adult away, B+ on Wednesdays but all other days you’re easily an A- or better. Keep up the good work and check back in at 36.

I would be lying if I didn’t say the society fairy doesn’t check in with me once in awhile to be like hey girl, just wanted to point out that we generally expect xy and z at this age so you’re late and we want you to know we sent a memo to everyone else in the world letting them know.

When that society fairy comes through I do allow her to sit there a little longer than I should. I do let her poke me with doubts and sometimes I even let her toss me down a spiral of shame and fear.

Yet most days, most days I think to myself, maybe we are all just fake adults.

Maybe the woman living the life I thought I was supposed to at 35 is sitting here thinking she’s fake adulting because she doesn’t have it all together like she thought she would.

Maybe the high powered career babe is thinking shes a fake adult because everyday she doubts herself and how she got to where she did.

Maybe the single Sex & the City Samantha babe living her NYC dream also feels like a fake because she’s thriving in her womanhood but doesn’t know how to turn on the stove in her penthouse.

I sort of think maybe we are all fake adults who spend each day just trying to make it out alive. I believe that society puts all these rules and expectations and marketing and says ok you guys, go out there and be this adult today! And then next week, you also have to do it while running a marathon and writing a novel! And if you don’t do it all, you’ve failed and we will send your society fairy to remind you.

So yea, maybe I am a fake adult because I don’t have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs. Maybe some days I have cheese for dinner. Maybe some weeks I wear the same shorts 5 days in a row. Maybe I spend too much time watching teen romantic comedies and swooning while also judging the characters for not being badass enough. And maybe at the end of the day, I still pay all my bills, feed my dog, do the laundry, create meaningful relationships, exercise, and laugh.

And just maybe, that’s what being an adult is anyways. It’s faking it until you make it. And maybe, we are all just a whole bunch of fake adults smiling at each other when we are really thinking “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either.” And maybe we should just say that to each other more.

Perfection

Growing up my safe space has always been to aim for perfection. When I fall short of that, I dwell in a really negative space. If I make a mistake at work, I say something unkind — I am not able to let that go.

Perfection is not attainable. It is not real. It’s not even really cool.

Yet at 34, I still cannot run far from that need to be perfect.

Growing up an athlete, it is ingrained in you to be the best at everything. And if you’re not the best, you work harder until you are. I have carried that throughout my adult life. It’s exhausting.

I spend a lot of time in therapy learning to cut myself a break. Because in reality, I’m not perfect and I never will be.

Something I have started is spending time talking positively to myself, about myself. I’m supposed to work to make at least 50% of the thoughts in my head positive. That sounds easy but I’d say 90% of my thoughts are not kind.

Every time I speak negatively in my head to myself, I am challenging myself to say something positive to counter that mean thought.

Being a perfectionist with anxiety is a bit of a curse, and it truly doesn’t work. Especially given that I often don’t have a filter. Retraining you’re mind to focus on the good, well it just makes the good better. It amplifies the sparkle and makes your whole world shine.

I know I’m not alone. A lot of former athletes (and a lot of humans in general) relate to the need to be perfect. It’s all we know to strive for.

What if we changed the narrative and strived to be great as we are? If we focused on how badass we are? If we let ourselves be flawed and be thankful for that?

I challenge you to spend more time living and less time focusing on how to live perfectly. When you thrive in spaces that are uncomfortable — you might just find some of the most magical moments of your life.

Baby Fever

A lot of people aren’t going to like this one. I don’t really care for most babies.

I love the family babes, I am obsessed with my friend’s babies (probably too much so but LOOK AT THEM) - but babies in general, I don’t like them.

Society teaches women that when we see babies, we are supposed to immediately fawn over them. There’s this expectation that when we see a baby, we are supposed to smile and coo and our ovaries explode. Mine do not. When I see a baby, it reminds me to take my birth control.

If I see your strange baby in public, I want it to be quiet. I don’t want to hold it. I don’t feel the need to make faces at it because its smiling at me. If it’s on my flight, I’m going to mostly hate it and wish you left it at Grandma’s.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

A lot of people act like there is though. People act like I’m a monster when I don’t immediately melt at the sight of a child. If I’m annoyed that you’re letting your tiny human run all over, pull, kick, scream - I’m considered the rude one.

You chose to have the baby. And for the most part, you really cannot control all its noises and bodily functions, it can’t even do that. But have some respect for the fact that your baby is yours, not mine. And it is not my job to cater my life to your child simply because I have a uterus. Please stop expecting all women to be enamored with babies and children.

Strange child, I want nothing to do with you.

I get it, that’s sort of an extreme. Especially when it comes to the babies of my friends and family, I am beyond obsessed. Genuinely so. I want to hangout with their babies and buy them presents and snuggle their sweet faces. These babies are going to change the world and I love them so much.

But strange babies, I don’t know you, I really don’t care enough to pretend to enjoy you in my personal space.

I think it’s dope if your goal in life is to be a mom and you get that goal. But the next time you are out and about with junior, remember that while your life revolves around them, mine does not. And I am not less of a woman for that.

Your body, your choice. My body, my choice. Respect every woman’s decision about children. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your baby simply because you had one.

You and Only You

Stop expecting you from other people.

I say this to myself about 100 times a day. I sincerely struggle with the fact that not everyone at work and in life meets my effort, sincerity, and compassion.

I work really hard, I care a lot about being aware of others, I care a lot in general. I sit here and I’m like I don’t give any fucks, but I do, I give all of them.

Truth is, not everyone else does. Some people are OK existing in a status quo. They are less aware of what others think and feel. And that makes me insane.

But I can’t change it.

There really is nothing wrong with people who exist in a level of bare minimum. It’s not actively rude or bad, but to those of us who exist in the consistent level of striving for excellence; it is the absolute worst.

Learning to remind myself that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect ME in other people is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I actively struggle with this every single day, all day long. It has caused me heartache, hurt feelings, and misplaced anger because I really do not comprehend that other people do not share my values.

I know I’m not the only person who struggles with this idea that the way we are is not a standard expectation in society. People are not required to exist on that next level.

So how do you stop yourself from going crazy?

First, you have to remind yourself to set realistic expectations when interacting with the everyday human. You’re going to have to do this a lot throughout the day. And realize this isn’t about you. How others choose to live, is their own choice. It is not about you.

Second, you have a responsibility to be up front about your needs when it comes to your personal relationships. With a partner, friend, or family member - let them know what matters to you in a relationship. If you need them to commit more, say so. But realize that you may lose people in your life because they cannot match your efforts. Figure out what matters more, keeping them in your life or having them meet your expectations. Because they are not required to meet those expectations, it is not wrong for them not to.

Lastly - I think at work it’s worth singling out that you only need to worry about you. Not everyone is an overachiever. Stay in your lane. If it isn’t affecting your ability to do your job, it’s not your business. By nature, I want to take on more, grow, and push the limits of being the best. I have absolutely allowed the fact that others don’t do the same to frustrate me. I’ve allowed myself to get involved in things that aren’t my business. And now I’m actively removing myself from those equations. Because that’s on me.

My greatest weakness is that I do not fully comprehend not everyone is me. What I need to do is realize that my superpower is that nobody else is me.

Whatever is your biggest flaw can become your biggest asset. It’s all about how you choose to harness it. For years I let my expectations of others cripple me but now I use it to help me grow.

Have expectations, but don’t let them define your life. Expect the best but don’t be broken by the worst. Hold others to a higher standard, but don’t dictate the standards they choose for themselves.

You - and only you - are responsible for what you give and get out of life. Act accordingly.

Greater Expectations

As a follow up to expectations I wanted to talk about how to show people what you expect of them. Something I struggle greatly with is showing people how I deserve to be treated. I think this is a multi step system and I’ve been stuck on step one for 33 years.

Everyone talks about treating others as you wish to be treated. I got that part down. Like I’m really good at being a good human. I prioritize people and relationships that are important to me. I go above and beyond to show people I care. I’m your teammate when you need me. I’m sincerely tops at this part of the whole show people how you want to be treated. If this were a review at work, I would test off the scale in this category. Bonuses everywhere.

The place that I fail and should be fired at is when others don’t reciprocate this treatment, I don’t move on. I’m unsure if nobody shared this with me but if you very clearly show people how you wish to be treated and they do not treat you in this manner, you need to take back your energies and utilize them elsewhere. That shit blows my mind.

If I’m being the most best awesome friend, partner, colleague, mentor - WHATEVER - and it’s not being reciprocated, I need to move on. If you’ve shown someone, told someone, given them time to give you the same energy and care you give them, and they still don’t, that’s on you. They have shown you your worth to them and all you are showing them is that they can walk all over you and you will not leave.

Is this something ya’ll knew and nobody slipped me a memo?

I’m telling you, my world has changed. It’s certainly a struggle, but it’s a huge relief to take back my sparkle and use it on relationships with people who have decided I am worth their same energy. I never realized how much of my time and emotions I allowed to be controlled and drained by other people.

I’ve started to pull away the commitment I’ve given to some relationships and expended that energy on myself and those around me who don’t drain me. And it is wildly fulfilling. I’m less moody, I have more time to enjoy good people, and I am confident because I’m not being dragged down by relationships that don’t spark joy. Yea, back to that whole Marie Kondo Hunger Games edition. It works guys, really really works.

When you think about it, it’s simple. Time is energy. When you put a lot of time into relationships that aren’t creating equal value, the energy is really negative. So a lot of time, a lot of negative equals a lot of not feeling awesome. I think scientifically that’s how it’s classified.

Ultimately people prioritize their relationships based on the value they feel that person brings to their world. If you bring a lot of value and joy to someone’s life, they aren’t letting that go. If they let you go, it’s no knock on you, it’s just not the right human connection for you. Wish them well, let them go, and find your joy.

We should have greater expectations of others, but we should also have them of ourselves.

Great Expectations

I have really high standards for myself as a human being. What I have discovered is that not everyone else lives by those standards. For awhile I lived by trying to be more understanding of others who do not meet my expectations. At 33, I’m not playin anymore.

I have reasonable expectations when it comes to those closest to me. When I spent time to try to lower my expectations, I was disappointed every time. I simply cannot expect less. It’s not for me.

So I’ve started pulling away from people who don’t step up to meet my needs. I’m asking for the basics - to be treated with respect, be valued, and be given the time and energy I give to others.

It’s been quite the journey. I have had to start first with myself and stop extending the extra energy to those who do not meet my give. As someone who doesn’t know how to do anything half way, it’s been trying to say the least.

The idea of showing people how I deserve to be treated never sunk in like it has in recent. I always understood it as go the extra mile regardless. But when those around me do not meet the level of investment I have in them, I walk away. Ok it’s kind of a slow crawl right now.

The people who truly value me, they’ll make the time to step up. Those who don’t notice or who do not step up, well, the situation works itself out. That speaks volumes in and of itself.

I’ve been told by many people that I can’t expect so much of others and quite frankly, those are people who don’t expect enough of themselves. I’ve met people who meet my energy, care, and commitment to others. Those are my people. Those are the people I deserve. And that’s where I’ll be investing my sparkle energies.

If you’re the type who likes minimal involvement and minimal effort, I’m not the friend for you. And that’s ok. The whole point of this piece is to say whatever you give, make sure you get it back. Whether that be a deeply connected relationship or a passing acquaintance - match the energies. Give and get, it needs to fill up your bucket or let it go.

Match vibe for vibe, ya dig?

People should have expectations. I have a lot of them. I think that society could use a whole lot more expectations in order to keep us accountable. That’s probably a whole other blog for a whole new day in all honesty.

Bottom line people? You give what you get, you get what you give - make sure whatever that connection looks like - it doesn’t leave you empty or wishing for more. You deserve to feel like you matter, because you do. Don’t let anyone tell you that you expect too much, some people, they are not enough.

Dating in 2016 Part 2 - Expectations

By popular demand, reader feedback (You guys people are actually reading this), and the fact that I have so much to say - Dating in 2016 is going to be a series.  Part 2 is thanks to my good friend Steve and his office. Let's talk dating expectations. 

It's 2016.  We've gotten so lazy that you can now swipe right instead of making an actual booty call.  What a time to be alive!

Now I've changed this scenario somewhat because its my website and I'll do what I want.  Let's begin.  Suzy is 28, met Joe on Tinder and they've gone on 4 dates.  Sally is 45, met Bob on eHarmony and they've gone on 4 dates too.  Suzy and Sally have each been invited to Joe and Bob's homes for dinner.  Suzy goes into date 5 at Joe's assuming there is an expectation of a hookup.  Sally does not.  This prompted a much debated discussion in the office: What are the dating expectations today?  In a culture fueled by sex and blurred labels - what's the normal?

Being that I'm diligent in my research and lacking of a filter - I asked around.  I polled strangers (which was super awkward and equally delightful), I asked family, and I made my friends give me the dirtiest of details.  Here's what I not surprisingly discovered:

Scientific Findings (aka Proven fact because #Science)

• Younger generations (35 and below) have expectations of getting some a lot sooner than those say 40+
• Men tend to assume a home date equals getting some more than women but most people 35 and under say its a general assumption regardless of their gender.
• Most older individuals I spoke to think our generation has lost the art of romance.  They believe we don't take marriage seriously and we tend to look for the next best thing
• A good percentage of those I polled (again age 35 and younger) agree that by date three there's definite physical contact expected
• Of the older crowd I asked most had 5 or fewer lifetime partners and that there shouldn't be any expectations about physical contact at any time but should happen when a serious relationship is established after some time

Personally, I do think a lot of our generation and the next are living in a world of relationship expectations.  And a lot of those expectations are physical.  We like to live in a world of "when are we having sex" but refuse to define "what we are."  At the end of the day its whatever works for each person - but the more I hear about kids younger and younger involved sexually, the more I worry for my future kids.  We've gone from expecting formal dates with chivalry to just hoping the tinder date looks like their profile picture and won't kill us.  And the minute you ask someone about expectations, the assumption is physical.  It's not about expectations of relationships or dating or emotional anything, just sex.  Let me pose a few questions:

• What are some of your dating expectations and timelines?
• If a partner sets expectations of formal dates and old school chivalry - are you likely to consider her high maintenance (let's face it this isn't a man asking for this.)?
• How long are you willing to wait for physical contact outside of kissing?
• When do you consider yourself dating someone exclusively?

Would love some feedback!  Comment below or send me an email.  Part 3 may include your feedback...

AND - if you've got some good dating topics you want explored, please email me!  If I can make them awkward, funny or insightful, I'll use them!