Another Year Older

...And none the wiser! JK, I learned a lot this year. I'm not a big NYE celebrator in terms of creating resolutions but on my birthday I like to reflect. Aging is such a weird thing in your 30's because you're past all of the critical milestones and there's not another one until 40. And they tell you not to look forward to those.

I'm 33 this year. 32 was a doozy for me. For some reason it really weighed on me more than turning 30 did. I got in my head about achievements and things I should be doing/having at 32 and I can't really explain why.

32 was a year of incredible loss, lessons, and really high highs. I think more than ever I want to celebrate the commitment I've made to myself. I look back and read my blogs of years past and laugh at how much I thought I was prioritizing myself and setting boundaries in the work place. Past Ashley, she didn't know. 

And that's the point. You can't really know any better until you take the chance to be better. Who are you to predict how the future will turn out? All you can do is vow to keep pushing forward so that you do have the opportunity to live better.

And that's what 32 has brought me. A lot of forcing myself to be so uncomfortable that I don't have any other choice but to grow and evolve. If you commit to therapy and really invest in doing the exercises and opening up - you're forced to just face the weird things you go through/feel/do and come out on the other side. For better or worse.

I'd like to think I'm a better me. Certainly I've lost relationships because of it. And to that, I say BYE! Not everyone is comfortable when you go from being the rock to needing support yourself. But being selfish is necessary. The ones who don't appreciate your growth, those aren't your people.

32 man, 32 is my lucky number so even though it was a weird one, I'm sad it's gone.

But cheers to 33 because getting older is an honor, and I'm excited to see what else life is going to bring me! And what else I'm going to bring to myself.

Shaq Year

When I was a wee squish - I made my first competitive soccer team.  And while that was an achievement - the real defining moment came when it was time to choose my number.  All athletes know that your number becomes your identity.  The really good athletes know that long after you've sunk your last basket you will be defined by your number.  The number I chose that day was 32.  

I chose 32 for Orlando Magic Shaquille O'Neil.  I saw this big, loud, bold physical player and I was in love.  Sports love.  I wanted to be this guy on the field and in life.  And to this day - I still love me some Shaq.  

Yesterday, I turned 32.  I have now officially entered my Shaq year.  And man, 32 sounds old.  But I think about who I've become since I entered my 30's and 32 also seems really fucking swagtastic (verb: meaning grown woman cool).  And you know why?  Because at 32, I've never been more sure of who I am.  I can buy my own things.  I have achieved real milestones.  I do less stupid things.  I loved Ashley in her 20's.  She was epic.  A nightmare, but absolutely top notch.  But Ashley in her 30's is this extra sparkly, extra fierce woman who cannot be stopped.

Keep your Kobe year.  Hold onto that Jordan year.  I'll take my Shaq year to live my boldest, best, most fun year yet.