Quarantine Reflections: A Summary

OOOOO WEE that was a long one! Here in the Bay Area we have been on a shelter in place for almost 3 months. And while I know a whole lot of people who didn’t take that seriously (aka crappy humans), I and my family & most of my friends really did.

Everyone says the world will be forever changed. Which seems obvious. We’ve gone through a global pandemic. Changing how we interact with each other, how we do business, and what we deem essential.

As I make my way back into my new normal, I’m taking the time to think about what I want to take with me and what I’d like to leave behind from before this all started.

When I think about the things I’d like to let go of (or make a solid effort to because old habits die hard), here’s what I’ve narrowed my list down to:

• Things: Yes, my last piece was about the ridiculous things I’ve purchased on Amazon but for the most part, I’m learning that the things I think I need, I don’t. They’re just things. I can get by on less. I cleaned out my closet twice during the shelter in place and came up with five giant garbage bags of clothes, shoes, accessories - things - I can live without. I’m still going to make some impulse buys, but I’m really going to choose to be thoughtful about my purchases and whether or not I need them or they’re cluttering my home and life.

• Prioritizing Work: I have always put work first. I am driven to succeed and that will not change. I am going to choose to set better boundaries at work and realize that my entire life cannot revolve around work. I started to notice that it controlled my mood, my self worth and guided most decisions. Then the world stopped and my life wasn’t 24/7 work. I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to see my friend and family, I wanted to explore, and I wanted to do more than just work. I’ll still be a high achiever, but that’s possible in a healthier way.

• Helping Others: I am a giver. Truly being able to be financially stable has made me happiest because I can give back to those around me who are important to me. Yet I’m also really getting a new perspective on letting that guide my everyday. I want to work on things that help others and solve the world’s problems. Thankfully I am at a company that allows for that to happen in my work life. In my personal life, I want to continue to be an advocate for those who don’t have my privilege. I want to keep talking about women’s healthcare and the rights to make choices about our own bodies. And I want to be even more mindful about where I spend my money so that I am not supporting businesses and people who do not prioritize doing the right thing. I want to let go of buying to buy or giving to give and I want to be intentional about where my money goes to ensure it’s supporting the things I believe in.

When I think about what I want to carry with me from this into the new world, here’s my focus:

• Say No: I am going to stop with the pressures of saying yes just to say yes. I’m going to get over the anxiety I get in saying no to things I think I “should” be doing. I don’t know when or if something like this will happen again. I don’t know when I won’t have the opportunity to see someone else again. And I’ve also seen some people take really ugly selfish actions during this time. I’m going to say no to the people and things that don’t bring me joy. Instead I am going to make sure that I’m putting my time and energy into the people who mean the most and who show me I mean the most to them.

• Travel: I miss travel more than anything. I never really thought about how big a role it plays in my life but when I reflect back, I’m generally on an airplane or in the car on the way to an adventure more than I am not. While financially my goal is to own a home soon (not in California…those who know me well can guess where I’ll be headed to next), I am also going to get back to traveling. Not sure how realistic getting out of the country is in 2020, but there are plenty of places in the United States worth visiting. And a whole lot of loved ones to see in this beautiful country.

• Vulnerability: I have always been very resilient. For the first month or so of this thing, I was perfectly content being at home. When month two hit, I started to struggle with anxiety, PTSD, and some depression that I had never experienced before. I didn’t know how to handle it. I used my tools, went to therapy but I was still struggling. Still am sometimes if I’m being honest. As much as I talk about my mental health, I still keep things pretty close to the chest. I was forced to open up to some of my friends and family though because I flat out needed help. I hope to continue to find the strength to do that. It’s incredibly scary and I am incredibly self conscious about it, but I feel closer to the people who matter most when I risk that vulnerability.

Finally, I hope that as a world we learn empathy. I hope that despite a truly disgusting time in America led by a horrific President, we choose to fight back with love. So many people have chosen to give back to complete strangers because of a belief in doing the right thing. We as an entire global community have to exist together with the resources we are given. It’s impossible to keep things going in a positive direction without remembering that. I would rather make the world better for as many people as possible than only have a select few thrive. If that means I have to give up a little bit of what I’ve got so someone else can feed their family, sign me up.

A global pandemic is really not something I ever thought we’d face in my lifetime. It’s been like a movie and something I’m very much living but also extremely detached from. Because I have a job, healthcare benefits, a roof over my head and a support system — I have been able to treat this as a bit of a break from chaos. I even think it’s been healthy for me in many ways. I also firmly believe that Mother Nature was screaming and we weren’t listening and so she decided to take action.

Look — I get it, I’m one of the lucky ones in all of this. So because I have been, I’m going to count my blessings, see the silver lining, and let this time push me to be a better person for myself and others.

I hope that even if you haven’t been so lucky, you take the time to reflect on what you can leave behind and what you can renew as we all come together in our new reality.

Ownership

It’s the beginning of the year, the holiday season is over, and it’s me - so I’m going to reflect! I talk a lot of past relationships and dating, but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about me as a partner in the past. Buckle up kids - this is gonna be good.

Growing up, I was really insecure. I’ve been told I came off really confident, so props to me for that fake out when I was constantly unsure of who I was.  

Spoiler alert, when you don’t love yourself, it’s really hard to be successful in loving others.  

I was a really bad girlfriend in high school. I was jealous, played games, and was overall unfair. Back then, I didn’t see it that way, but now I laugh at what a lunatic I was. Ok I get it, in high school nobody knows what they are doing. We all think we are going to marry that person and ride off into the sunset. You can’t tell us anything different because you just haven’t loved anyone like we have. Pause for dramatic storm out.  

Thankfully I grew up. And I found a way to love myself. It’s taken awhile. And it’s not always been pretty. I have pushed people away, been a jerk, but I’ve also been a pretty decent catch.  

What I’ve figured out along the way is that at times when I’m not feeling my best self, my relationship doesn’t go well either. I’m a bad girlfriend because I’m being a bad partner to myself first. 

That’s deep right? Thought of it myself, thanks so much.  

 We spend a lot of time talking about those who did us wrong. Who were bad partners. There are so many fire memes about exes. But do we look at who we were in relationships?

Now if your mate was abusive or an overall POS, this isn’t where you try and look at where you went wrong in the relationship. Forget those people, that wasn’t you. That was them. Love you, mean it.

But chances are in at least one relationship, you might haven’t been the best either. Were you in a bad place? Unwilling to compromise? Unable to communicate? Unfaithful? It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a catch.

Take the time to evaluate who you are in your relationships. The more self aware you are, the stronger you will be as a partner in the future. And when you are aware, you’re more in tune with what you’re looking for in a relationship. End result? You have more successful relationships.

Think about it. How often do you see your friends in bad relationships because they’re unsure of who they are, unaware of the bad partner they’ve been, and unwilling to admit to any of those things? I can think of at least three friends without missing a beat who I know will not have successful relationships until they confront the partner they  are.

I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been too busy, too insecure, too set in my ways. Knowing that now, reflecting on why I was that way, helps me to be a better person and partner now. It also has turned into me making better choices about who I date. When you love yourself and know how you deserve to be treated, you don’t settle for anything less.

Reflecting on painful breakups and relationships that caused you distress is not easy. It’s generally the past we prefer to bury away forever. I encourage you to drag it out anyways. Get really uncomfortable with your dark and stormy so that you can experience your bright and shiny.

Thankful

Thanksgiving again? 2018 was fast and furious man. But here we are. And now I’ve got to write about what I’m thankful for. This year, as I embark on a new career journey, I am thankful for my ethics. Weird right?

Let me explain. I have really high standards when it comes to ethics. I believe in doing what’s right essentially 100% of the time. There are very few instances in which I’m willing to compromise my commitment to that.

It’s caused me quite a few issues in the workplace as well as in my personal life. And that’s been frustrating. It’s really hard for me to understand how anyone could not act ethically. I’ve lost out on good jobs, friendships, relationships – because I refuse to compromise that value.

I sort of always thought that would be my lot in life. That I was doomed to just have the uncomfortable situations where I refuse to compromise my ethics and I’m shamed for it or it causes me to lose out at work.

I was hired at my recent gig in large part because of who I am. My commitment to being authentic and highly ethical. I want to be a good human and do what’s right and finally, I’m somewhere that appreciates those things about me. Is it perfect in its own right every time? Absolutely not. And I’m willing to say they’ve got work to do. But the transparency and willingness to change is huge.

I am so thankful for it. I love these parts of me and I don’t ever want to have to compromise them for anyone. Being valued for them, feels so incredible.

I’d say to anyone out there who questions a quality about themselves, stop. Stay the path. Eventually, the thing that may be holding you back somewhere will be the thing that propels you farther than you ever thought possible.

I’m at a one of the largest most respected and sought-after companies in the world, and I haven’t compromised a damn thing to get there. I’m me and that’s enough.

Be thankful for the best parts of you that go unappreciated. Eventually, they’ll be what sets you apart in the best way. It’s not always the easiest process nor is it the quickest, but it’s worth the commitment to what matters to you. To being authentic to you and your highest values.

Along the same lines – I am thankful for the people in my life who have the same high ethics. The people who just really want to be better and do better for not just themselves, but for people they don’t even know. I see what you do each day to give back, to be kind to strangers, and to educate yourselves, and I appreciate you.

I am beyond thankful for you because you would never think to ask be to compromise my own ethics. In fact, a lot of you push me to be even better, and that’s incredible. I’m not perfect. I don’t aim to be. But I aim to be a decent human being and that’s important today.

Mostly I’m thankful for being able to appreciate these qualities in myself and others. I’ve become annoyingly introspective in a healthy way these days and it builds my confidence to know and love these things about myself. Unless you’ve lived the unhealthy criticism life, you don’t know how freeing and just plain good it feels to be able to acknowledge something awesome about yourself without qualifying it.

I know a lot of people sit around the table at Thanksgiving and talk about what they’re thankful for. I challenge you to go beyond the surface. Maybe doing it in front of everyone isn’t for you but take some time to yourself and think of what you’re most thankful for within yourself, and within the people around you. It doesn’t take long and it can provide you with a quick confidence boost (and probably mood boost) when you do. It’s the beginning of the Holiday season folks. Lots to celebrate. Lots to be thankful for. Lots to look forward to.

The Holiday season is definitely my favorite time of year (basic babes unite) because it allows me to reflect, set my intentions, and eat. Whatever, that last one is your favorite too.

What are you thankful for sequins? Let me know if you do something nontraditional during the Holidays to express gratitude. I’d love to hear about it!

Another Year Older

...And none the wiser! JK, I learned a lot this year. I'm not a big NYE celebrator in terms of creating resolutions but on my birthday I like to reflect. Aging is such a weird thing in your 30's because you're past all of the critical milestones and there's not another one until 40. And they tell you not to look forward to those.

I'm 33 this year. 32 was a doozy for me. For some reason it really weighed on me more than turning 30 did. I got in my head about achievements and things I should be doing/having at 32 and I can't really explain why.

32 was a year of incredible loss, lessons, and really high highs. I think more than ever I want to celebrate the commitment I've made to myself. I look back and read my blogs of years past and laugh at how much I thought I was prioritizing myself and setting boundaries in the work place. Past Ashley, she didn't know. 

And that's the point. You can't really know any better until you take the chance to be better. Who are you to predict how the future will turn out? All you can do is vow to keep pushing forward so that you do have the opportunity to live better.

And that's what 32 has brought me. A lot of forcing myself to be so uncomfortable that I don't have any other choice but to grow and evolve. If you commit to therapy and really invest in doing the exercises and opening up - you're forced to just face the weird things you go through/feel/do and come out on the other side. For better or worse.

I'd like to think I'm a better me. Certainly I've lost relationships because of it. And to that, I say BYE! Not everyone is comfortable when you go from being the rock to needing support yourself. But being selfish is necessary. The ones who don't appreciate your growth, those aren't your people.

32 man, 32 is my lucky number so even though it was a weird one, I'm sad it's gone.

But cheers to 33 because getting older is an honor, and I'm excited to see what else life is going to bring me! And what else I'm going to bring to myself.

Deflect the Reflect

I am a highly reflective individual. I am constantly looking at my past, present, and future and wondering if I made/make the right decision and where to go from here.

The thing is, sometimes you need to deflect the reflect and simply make a decision.

When you constantly spend time and energy to reflect on the past, you often miss out on the present and disrupt the magic of the future.

I'm incredibly type A. I plan everything. I am constantly researching and looking to make the most informed decision. I often think of choices and black and white, right and wrong.

In life, things are most often shades of grey. The lines are most often blurred. It's less about right and wrong and more defined by simply being different. So while you can make what you believe is the right decision, in all reality, it's really just a decision that leads to one possible outcome.

I'm not saying don't reflect on past choices or situations. I'm saying take them with a grain of salt. Do not let them define your present or prevent you from experiencing your best future.

When you reflect on your past, you often imagine it in a very different way than it actually happened. We tend to romanticize, form regret, or even judge ourselves too harshly because of current circumstances. We give the person who broke our heart too much leeway. We blame ourselves for bad things that happened. We regret something we said or did. Realistically, these things are a reflection of how we feel in our present situation.

Something I've been working on is understanding my present. Being really aware of who I am, how I feel, and the relationships I'm currently existing in. And then I'll look to what I want those things to look like moving forward.

Appreciate your past, learn from it, but understand that person and those situations no longer exist. In order to maximize growth and choose paths that best serve you, be present. Develop on the person you are now and who you want to be in the future. It's like having a vision board inside your mind that you're able to adjust based on what's happening in real time.

Deflect the constant need to reflect on your past. You're not going there. You won't be that person again. There's a reason you are who you are and where you are right now. If you want to move forward as the happiest version of you, you're going to have to deflect the reflect and accept the now.

2018

Happy New Year Sequins!

I have no idea what just happened to 2017 because I swear to God I just moved to Texas 20 minutes ago, but here we are, January 1, 2018.  Holy shit.

I'm sitting here trying to reflect on 2017 and I honestly just have a lot of memories on an airplane watching Girl's Trip 32 times laughing obnoxiously while Carol from Iowa shot me dirty looks from peasant class.  STFU Carol, let me live my first class life.

2017 brought me to yet a new state.  It brought me a whole new career in a whole new industry I honestly knew nothing about.  For the first 6 months, I mostly got by on charm and pure grit.  The second 6 months I've questioned myself, my skillset, and everything about what I know.  And at the end of every day, I have reminded myself I didn't get here without earning every moment.

2017 brought me the strength to commit to my mental health.  It got me into therapy, into actually trying to tell my anxiety to step TF off, and it's challenged me to chill out.

2017 has brought me a body I'm in love with more than I have been since being 98 pounds and growing boobs.  Because of my discovery of new ways to workout that don't bring me pain, I am physically stronger, healthier, and happier.  And I'm surely not 98 pounds.  Still got those boobs though.

2017 has brought me new people.  Who knew a liberal agnostic loud crude (but really pretty) California girl could find one of her closest friends in a Christian big hearted Texan (Be cool guys - she was born in California and her family is just the bees knees). 

2017 has brought me closer to me.  It's challenged me to face things I frankly don't like thinking about and forced me to feel things I'm not fond of feeling.  Because of that - it's given me confidence in this sparkly yet out of her mind woman I've become.  It's also taught me when to face my flaws, apologize when I need to - and move TF on when I don't.

2017 I don't really know if you even happened because I swear it's still January and I just got to Texas, it was snowing and I couldn't by alcohol before Noon on Sunday.  But here we are - 2018 and I'm itching to see where it takes me.  All I know is don't miss me with that First Class ticket.