At this point in my life, I think I'm the only one who's blissfully unaware (or willing to accept) that I've got severe commitment issues. I've physically moved states on more than one occasion to avoid feelings. I've turned ghosting into such an art form that I'm pretty sure our military black ops could utilize my advice.
In my mind I'm not afraid of commitment. Yea, I'm aware of all those crazy things I do to avoid relationships but in my mind, I've been busy, not met the right person, insert any cliche excuse in the book and I'm going to ninja work it into my life.
Recently in therapy though, I had a realization that almost every relationship I've put effort in is one that I'm internally aware isn't the right one. And the partners that are potentially great fits for me, I leave those in the dust within 2.5 seconds of the game.
I'm not the girl who dreams of the fairy tale when I meet a good man. I'm the one who thinks well my future plans are X, Y, and Z so realistically because in 10 years I want to live in Bali and open a yogurt shop, we should stop dating now, before we even go on the first date because he lives in California and why would he ever leave California let alone I don't even think he eats dairy this obviously won't work. Right, I know, that was exhausting to read, imagine it happening in my mind. Every. single. time.
In therapy the more I talked about the men in my life that still have an impact on my heart (the list isn't that long), each one is someone I pushed away who could very well have been one incredible life partner for me. Thankfully, I'm not the type to regret that. It feels big enough that I recognize what I've been doing so that I can start the what's bound to be slow and painful road to recovery.
I was even able to open up recently to one of those men and both acknowledge and apologize for the way in which I handled things. I'm grateful that we are still able to maintain a friendship despite the past because honestly, life is meant to hold onto people who make you feel good. And he makes me feel like I'm worth whatever crazy I've got going on in my life because I'm a good human too.
I feel like this is probably another one of those topics that the rest of you are light years beyond me at being emotionally mature in. So you're reading this thinking yet again that I am an emotional cripple. And you're not even wrong. I know I'm not the only one though dealing with this level of feeling dysfunction. So for those of you on my level, welcome. Have faith in yourself, keep working towards growth, and know that if I can do it, ya'll can too.
Are you ready for the ending lesson? Life man. It's all twisty and turny and it's been really dark in the world lately. When you find people who make your heart sparkle, run towards that feeling. Real connections are rare and they're worth risking a lot for. Remember, you get one shot at life, there's no redo when it comes to your heart.