The Fastest Runner

At this point in my life, I think I'm the only one who's blissfully unaware (or willing to accept) that I've got severe commitment issues. I've physically moved states on more than one occasion to avoid feelings. I've turned ghosting into such an art form that I'm pretty sure our military black ops could utilize my advice. 

In my mind I'm not afraid of commitment. Yea, I'm aware of all those crazy things I do to avoid relationships but in my mind, I've been busy, not met the right person, insert any cliche excuse in the book and I'm going to ninja work it into my life. 

Recently in therapy though, I had a realization that almost every relationship I've put effort in is one that I'm internally aware isn't the right one. And the partners that are potentially great fits for me, I leave those in the dust within 2.5 seconds of the game.

I'm not the girl who dreams of the fairy tale when I meet a good man. I'm the one who thinks well my future plans are X, Y, and Z so realistically because in 10 years I want to live in Bali and open a yogurt shop, we should stop dating now, before we even go on the first date because he lives in California and why would he ever leave California let alone I don't even think he eats dairy this obviously won't work. Right, I know, that was exhausting to read, imagine it happening in my mind. Every. single. time. 

In therapy the more I talked about the men in my life that still have an impact on my heart (the list isn't that long), each one is someone I pushed away who could very well have been one incredible life partner for me. Thankfully, I'm not the type to regret that. It feels big enough that I recognize what I've been doing so that I can start the what's bound to be slow and painful road to recovery. 

I was even able to open up recently to one of those men and both acknowledge and apologize for the way in which I handled things. I'm grateful that we are still able to maintain a friendship despite the past because honestly, life is meant to hold onto people who make you feel good. And he makes me feel like I'm worth whatever crazy I've got going on in my life because I'm a good human too.

I feel like this is probably another one of those topics that the rest of you are light years beyond me at being emotionally mature in. So you're reading this thinking yet again that I am an emotional cripple. And you're not even wrong. I know I'm not the only one though dealing with this level of feeling dysfunction. So for those of you on my level, welcome. Have faith in yourself, keep working towards growth, and know that if I can do it, ya'll can too. 

Are you ready for the ending lesson? Life man. It's all twisty and turny and it's been really dark in the world lately. When you find people who make your heart sparkle, run towards that feeling. Real connections are rare and they're worth risking a lot for. Remember, you get one shot at life, there's no redo when it comes to your heart. 

2018 Love.

Ah yes - the generation of the swipe.  In 2018, true love is found behind our cell phones, in our sweat pants, judging people based on looks and witty profile opening lines.  What a time to be alive.

While I'm thankful dating in our generation is not what it was in the 1950's or really even the 1990's - I often long for the traditions of love's past.  

It's Valentine's Day, a time Hallmark has designated to spend our money on diamonds, chocolates, fancy dinners and awkwardly flimsy lingerie.  I'll be honest, I like V-Day.  I don't really care if you want to call it single's awareness day, propose to your significant other, or choose to boycott it's corporate significance.  I'm into the shiny things and I like to celebrate love.  

I'm 32, a lot of my friends are married, in serious relationships, or worried about finding the one.  And it's got me reflecting on dating in 2018 and how much it kind of sucks.  

I'm not blaming men, I'm not blaming women - I'm not generally a fan of blaming anyone unless we can accompany that with some solutions.  But generationally, because we rely so much on technology, we have become to rely on that same technology for human relationships.

The thing is - technology does not account for human feelings, interactions, or flaws.  You can fill out a profile, swipe right - do all the things technology swears by in order to provide you your soulmate but at the end of the day, it can still fail.

There's no science to love.  No magic formula.  And in a world where we put so much effort into the technology of dating, I think we are missing out on organic love.  Because we can so easily find the next best mate, our choice to give up on what's in front of us becomes the go to move.

Relationships are not easy.  There is no perfect partner.  I'm not saying put up with abuse, in fact, never put up with any form of abuse, ever.  But there's something to be said for understanding that love ain't easy.  You will not always be happy in your relationship.  You will not always like your partner.  But you should understand the compromise that needs to happen, the effort that maintaining a lifetime takes, and be committed to your mate because despite those real life problems, that's your chosen lover.  

Every day, you have to choose each other.  The love I admire the most in life are the people who go through all the things life throws at them and every day they wake up and they say I choose you because we are a team and I don't want to swipe right on someone else just because we've had a few bumps in the road.  

In 2018 dating is hard.  I don't really know anyone who meets anyone organically anymore.  I think it takes more work to find a mate in 2018.  An actual commitment to finding someone you can stand for a long period of time.  Whether I like it or not, I'm probably going to have to succumb and stick with this online dating business to find some viable options.  

Dating in 2018 is weird.  Its the guy who asks you when you'll have sex with a new partner within the first 20 minutes of the first date.  It's the guy who doesn't believe women should work.  It's the guy who takes you on a bar crawl and does shots for your initial meeting.  But it's also reconnecting with acquaintances you look at differently.  It's men who take you on a hunt to find the best mac n cheese in Texas.  It's the guy you meet at a friend's party who nervously asks if you'd like to go to dinner.  

We can blame dating today on technology, and we aren't wrong.  But does that mean love isn't out there?  It doesn't.  It means dating is a little different, a little more work - but it's still worth it if for your life means finding a teammate to do all the bumps in the road with.  So love in 2018, it's kind of a nightmare, but so am I sometimes, and at the end of the day, I'm also one hell of a catch.