Another Statistic

70% of Americans experience some sort of traumatic event in their lives. About 20% of those people develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Women are twice as likely to develop PTSD than men.

I’ve had PTSD brought up in therapy a number of times. I’ve always dismissed it.

In my mind PTSD belongs to soldiers. People who have experienced that level of trauma.

Recently my therapist sat down and spent time breaking down how PTSD is diagnosed in the mental health world. Very simply, its broken down into four quadrants with characteristics in each that ramp up to the overall category. They deal with things like sleep, nightmares, fears, among other things. To be diagnosed you can have as little as I believe two characteristics in any one quadrant (many are linked so its common to have one from multiple areas). I embody characteristics from every category. Multiple characteristics in fact.

All of that to be said, I have officially been diagnosed with PTSD.

And that makes me feel wildly insecure, a fraud, afraid - and also relieved.

I am insecure because while anxiety is a generalized common thing, its trendy. It’s been more normalized in the world. People talk about it openly. Companies have health care that allows you to manage it. PTSD is talked about rarely and often associated with the military. It’s a heavy weight mental struggle that to me says “I’m a little bit broken.”

I feel like a fraud for that very reason - men and women fight in war, they see death. Thy leave their families for extended periods of time and see the absolute worst humanity has to offer. How dare I claim to have something they suffer from? Who am I to say I have PTSD too when you literally put your life on the line.

I’m terrified because PTSD seems so much more serious and complicated than anxiety. It feels like a physical burden I am carrying around. I also hear horror stories about people who become seriously depressed - even suicidal as a result of PTSD. I don’t want that to ever be something I experience.

Lastly, I am relieved. To have someone show you everything you feel and give you an explanation for it lifts a huge burden from your everyday struggles. I’ve always known that my anxiety and tendencies aren’t easily wrapped up as an anxious person. The quirks I have, the way I am, it hasn’t felt explained by simply being labeled as generalized anxiety. Having a researched and very real diagnosis is something that gives me a way to move forward. I know what’s wrong and better yet, there are ways to not only cope, but thrive.

To be entirely honest - I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this diagnosis. The insecurities in me are screaming at me not to. Surely I’ll be judged, called crazy, considered far too damaged. While intellectually I know that isn't true, I’m human, I just want to be normal.

I’m just not sure what’s normal. I can’t be the only person who fits into this category. I’m probably not the only person who feels afraid of what it means. I can’t just be another statistic.

All of this sounds very depressing quite frankly. Its not meant to be. Because what I want you to get out of this is I am excited. I am happy. I am free. There’s a new world opened up to me that allows me to heal.

I believe that in telling my stories rooted in mental health, I have the ability to affect others. to show that mental illness doesn’t look any one way. It exists in the people who are the sparkliest most bubbly human beings on the planet. And that part of me is truly authentic. But this other side exists too. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

I may be a statistic, but I am also human. I’m a businesswoman, a friend, a lover, an athlete, a fierce feminist, I’m everything. I’m a statistic in the best possible way because I’m proving that you are so much more than what the world labels you as.

I hope that as I continue to share my journey with you, you’ll find it helpful and you’ll be a safe space. And I hope that I’m able to be a safe space for you too.

Catastrophic Thinking

Recently I watched a friend's father (who is a psychologist) speak on Teen Vogue's Facebook live.  The topic of catastrophic thinking came up.

Catastrophic thinking is when your anxiety convinces you that the absolute worst is going to happen and you believe in your heart that it will.

For example, if your boss asks to meet with you, you assume that you're getting fired.  If a professor wants you to stay after class, you assume it's because you're getting kicked out of the University.  

Catastrophic thinking is never positive.  It's never assuming you're being called into the office for a promotion.  It's never thinking a friend wants to thank you for being who you are.  It's never a partner wanting to talk because they want to take the next step.  Catastrophic thinking is when you convince yourself the absolute worst thing will hap[pen in any given situation.

I am catastrophic thinking.  The examples above are actual things I think.  I consistently assume the very worst thing will happen and if even once it does - or even a much less dramatic version of the worst occurs - I will take that as validation for why catastrophic thinking is accurate.

And I'm willing to bet that a lot of you out there are catastrophic thinkers as well.  And while anxiety can often help us achieve great things by pushing us to do more and avoid failure, catastrophic thinking can be ever so crippling too.  Catastrophic thinking can mess with your sleep, your eating, your ability to get outside and get active - it can quite literally make you sick.  And that's why learning to prevent it is critical to living a full and happy life.

Keep in mind - that while I'm going to give you my advice on how to combat catastrophic thinking - this is something I struggle with daily.  I have not figured out how to completely eradicate it but I am trying, and I am committed to continuing to try until it becomes something that I don't battle on a regular basis.

I had never heard of the term catastrophic thinking.  A big light bulb for me was hearing my "crazy" defined in a way that made it feel more normal.  Realizing it's a thing and it's a common thing and that I am not in fact crazy has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  

In that same vein, understanding my catastrophic thinking is my anxiety talking and is irrational has helped me see it as something that can be changed.  I see it as less of this all consuming fear and more as this piece of my life that is a lot smaller than it used to be.

Unfortunately, the best way to combat catastrophic thinking is to not have catastrophic thinking.  It's to not have those chaotic thoughts and not let your mind become consumed by all the worst possibilities in the world.  

For me - I have to trick myself into avoiding catastrophic thinking all together.  When I start spiraling, I have to watch a movie, go for a run, call a friend - do anything I possibly can to completely stop the negative thoughts from happening.  If I sit and try to talk myself out of the world ending, it just gets worse.  My mind goes off onto new tangents that continue to shoot off into new horrible scenarios I've never dreamed of.  So I trick myself.

I know a lot of experts say that confronting your catastrophic situations and forcing yourself to understand how unlikely they are is the best way to get your mind to a rational place.  For me, that just doesn't work.  The mere fact that any of these things are remotely possible gives my anxiety a shred of "told you so" to hold onto. My anxiety will say to my rational self - listen buddy - I don't care if 1 in 1 billion times this happens - we are going to be that one.  And again I spiral.  

Recently - my therapist told me to start thinking of anxiety as a physical separate entity.  Some little monster that lives in the real world and is entirely separate from my being.  I have named him (none of your business his name) and he is an asshole.  But thinking of him in terms of a completely separate being from myself also helps me to understand and protect myself from his overbearing ways.  I stick his negative hateful self into a box and I duct tape that thing shut.

As always - anxiety is so personal.  And it's got so many layers to the way in which it affects the people who life with it.  Do what works for you.  But DO something.  If for no other reason than to be able to breathe again.  To smile.  To enjoy a day without that overwhelming dread that owns your day.  Do something because you get one time to live life and you get to choose whether you live it in fear, or live it in joy.