Anxious Activities

I like plans. I love lists. I like having active checklists and resources to rely on. I’ve been working hard lately to create go to things for me to do to help calm my anxiety. I wanted to share them because I know a lot of people out there who are anxious and struggle with how to cope!

Be Grateful

I bought a really cute notebook and a fun set of pens and every night before bed I write down three things I’m grateful for. Sometimes it’s super deep, and sometimes it’s simply that I am grateful for glitter. But it helps relax me before bed and get my mind in a happy place; which in turn helps me sleep.

Coloring

My mom bought me a weenie dog coloring book and some colored pencils and it sounds ridiculous but focusing on coloring helps distract me from whatever makes me anxious. It also keeps me off the socials when I’m sitting in front of the tv. I’m even thinking of taking it to work for a brief color break as needed.

Thank You

I bought a 48 pack of floral blank cards and once a week I write a thank you note to someone. It can be someone at work, a friend, anyone. But again, it takes me back to a thankful place and helps remind me how much I have to be thankful for. It calms my anxious thoughts and worries when I remind myself to be grateful.

Snuggle

Sometimes I pickup my dog and make him snuggle. It sounds weird but a quick 5 minute snuggle sesh makes my heart happy. Dogs love us so much and it’s hard to feel anything but love when you’ve got arms full of puppies!

What are you doing to stay calm and distract your anxious thoughts?

She has feelings.

Ya’ll I cried for the first time in about 346 years the other night. And I did it front of two really good friends as well as in front of half of San Francisco. Nothing like really going all in right?

I had a complete and utter breakdown.

I think the excessive wine we drank helped, but I also think I hold everything in so much that it builds and like a volcano, sometimes I erupt.

And I cannot stop dwelling on it.

I’m mortified that I allowed myself to show that side of myself, in public, in front of people over a really traumatic time for me.

If you’re a regular reader, you know that I’ve really opened up a lot in the past few years. I’ve discussed traumas that have happened, I’ve been actively involved in social issues, and I’ve been committed to therapy.

It’s a lot.

I never stopped to realize just how much. And I think in wanting to be all of these things, I didn’t take time t check in with myself.

Thus, an embarrassing breakdown.

I know that the people who love me understand me for everything that I am; but a really large part of me has that fear that because I have been the rock for so long, I’m not allowed to have feelings. I get extremely self conscious about showing any emotions and worry that I won’t be valued if I grow and change into this person who has normal feelings all the time.

To be honest, I don’t have a big lesson here. I don’t have news of a breakthrough. It’s just a story of where I’m at and the realization that you can take all the steps in mental health to live your best life, and still get caught struggling.

But without showing emotions, how do the people that love you know that you love them? If you don’t open up all the parts of you to the most important people in your circle, you’re not trusting them with yourself. That doesn’t make you strong, that makes you unable to fully experience relationships.

I guess the lesson is to get back up, to keep doing what makes you feel whole, and know that the people who love you, they’ll keep doing so.

Angry Birds

I’ve been accused of being angry in my life. Angry at people, past situations, traumas, you name it. The thing is, I’ve never actually been angry about it. But maybe I should be.

A good friend of mine recently described herself as an angry bird. She’s angry at people for treating her poorly. She’s angry she allowed it. She’s angry it took her so long to realize it. She’s an angry, grumpy bird.

And I sort of relate to that.

I’ve never been angry because it’s not a productive emotion. And it’s always felt like a super negative space for me.

My therapist recently spoke about angry as a positive emotion. As allowing myself to feel angry at people and situations.

The thing is, if you’re not allowing yourself to feel reasonable emotions related to things that happen to you, are you really overcoming them? You’ve got to feel it all and process it all in order to move on from it all.

Being angry can also provide a positive shift in what you allow into your world. If you are angry, you can step in and say that you’re angry, you don’t want to be treated that way anymore, and you remove that negativity from your world.

Being angry is ok.

Being angry means to feel something strong and you’re going to do something about it.

Maybe it’s about time you got a little angry.

Another Statistic

70% of Americans experience some sort of traumatic event in their lives. About 20% of those people develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Women are twice as likely to develop PTSD than men.

I’ve had PTSD brought up in therapy a number of times. I’ve always dismissed it.

In my mind PTSD belongs to soldiers. People who have experienced that level of trauma.

Recently my therapist sat down and spent time breaking down how PTSD is diagnosed in the mental health world. Very simply, its broken down into four quadrants with characteristics in each that ramp up to the overall category. They deal with things like sleep, nightmares, fears, among other things. To be diagnosed you can have as little as I believe two characteristics in any one quadrant (many are linked so its common to have one from multiple areas). I embody characteristics from every category. Multiple characteristics in fact.

All of that to be said, I have officially been diagnosed with PTSD.

And that makes me feel wildly insecure, a fraud, afraid - and also relieved.

I am insecure because while anxiety is a generalized common thing, its trendy. It’s been more normalized in the world. People talk about it openly. Companies have health care that allows you to manage it. PTSD is talked about rarely and often associated with the military. It’s a heavy weight mental struggle that to me says “I’m a little bit broken.”

I feel like a fraud for that very reason - men and women fight in war, they see death. Thy leave their families for extended periods of time and see the absolute worst humanity has to offer. How dare I claim to have something they suffer from? Who am I to say I have PTSD too when you literally put your life on the line.

I’m terrified because PTSD seems so much more serious and complicated than anxiety. It feels like a physical burden I am carrying around. I also hear horror stories about people who become seriously depressed - even suicidal as a result of PTSD. I don’t want that to ever be something I experience.

Lastly, I am relieved. To have someone show you everything you feel and give you an explanation for it lifts a huge burden from your everyday struggles. I’ve always known that my anxiety and tendencies aren’t easily wrapped up as an anxious person. The quirks I have, the way I am, it hasn’t felt explained by simply being labeled as generalized anxiety. Having a researched and very real diagnosis is something that gives me a way to move forward. I know what’s wrong and better yet, there are ways to not only cope, but thrive.

To be entirely honest - I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this diagnosis. The insecurities in me are screaming at me not to. Surely I’ll be judged, called crazy, considered far too damaged. While intellectually I know that isn't true, I’m human, I just want to be normal.

I’m just not sure what’s normal. I can’t be the only person who fits into this category. I’m probably not the only person who feels afraid of what it means. I can’t just be another statistic.

All of this sounds very depressing quite frankly. Its not meant to be. Because what I want you to get out of this is I am excited. I am happy. I am free. There’s a new world opened up to me that allows me to heal.

I believe that in telling my stories rooted in mental health, I have the ability to affect others. to show that mental illness doesn’t look any one way. It exists in the people who are the sparkliest most bubbly human beings on the planet. And that part of me is truly authentic. But this other side exists too. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

I may be a statistic, but I am also human. I’m a businesswoman, a friend, a lover, an athlete, a fierce feminist, I’m everything. I’m a statistic in the best possible way because I’m proving that you are so much more than what the world labels you as.

I hope that as I continue to share my journey with you, you’ll find it helpful and you’ll be a safe space. And I hope that I’m able to be a safe space for you too.

Diary of an Anxious Person, Part 328423

Prior to my recent commitment to therapy, I had in fact gone to therapy in the past. I had even gone on a semi regular basis at one point. But what I now know is that while you can physically go to therapy, unless you're willing to be truly open and honest, it doesn't mean anything.

So while I thought that I was working to find tools for managing my anxiety, I wasn't. I wasn't laying everything on the table and talking about past traumas nor opening up enough to really understand why I have anxiety and what triggers it.

More recently I've opened up to my therapist more than I ever have with anyone in life. And what I've begun to understand is that carrying my burdens on my own only makes my life harder. You cannot outrun your own story. Each experience shapes how you think, act, and feel. And until you start to talk about those things, you won't be able to control your own demons.

As a teenager and into my 20's, I was sick a lot. I was hospitalized, had multiple surgeries, and rarely felt healthy. That time was also when I experienced my greatest traumas and had my most unhealthy relationships. There's a link there I never took the time to understand. Doctors always told me my immune system was the problem. So I believed them. Realistically, what I was experiencing mentally was absolutely affecting how my body reacted physically.

There are numerous studies correlating mental and physical well being. It's not hippie voo doo philosophy, it's scientifically proven that what you think directly affects how your body feels. We see it in serious illnesses and we see it in mental illness. It's fact. Kind of like global warming folks. Stop pretending it's not a thing. It's a thing.

Back to me. The more I grow and take steps to manage my mental health, the more my physical health has responded. I used to get pneumonia/bronchitis every year without fail. The flu was something I experienced multiple times annually. Surgery used to be an annual tradition. I haven't had surgery since 2008. I just got pneumonia for the first time in probably 2 years. The flu? Don't know her. And I am a big believer that unburdening my past, trusting my therapist to help guide me with dealing with those things, has led my immune system to follow. I'm mentally healthier so I'm physically healthier too.

In fact - a month or so ago, when I was struggling with mental balance, I noticed my body was off too. I'm more in tune with this correlation so it's easier for me to adjust my self care to bring back more balance to my body.

For whatever reason, even when we are speaking with experts who's job it is to manage our mental and physical health, we lie. We hold back vital information. We are embarrassed to tell these professionals the entire truth. And that's absurd. Do you really think your doctor and your therapist haven't heard it all? Better yet, how do you expect to get a proper diagnoses with steps to healing if you're not being truthful about what you're going through? I get it, we all fear judgment. But we are all in that same boat. And we all have some weird times in our lives. The good news? Legally, these people have to keep your quirky behavior private. Even better news? Sharing all of that information with a professional, that literally relieves a huge weight from your chest.

I've had so many things to address with my therapist that I think I have held back less out of embarrassment and more out of pure exhaustion. I leave sessions emotionally and physically drained. It's not an easy process to be totally exposed with a stranger. The work and the pressure is entirely on me. She acts as a guide to take me to places I might never have gone to before, but it's 100% my responsibility to do the homework and take the steps to recovering and being healthier in the future.

I can't sugarcoat this part of therapy and living with mental illness. It feels like I haven't slept, ran a marathon, and have 48,000 more assignments to complete before tomorrow. The feeling doesn't pass easily. It doesn't lead me to some moment of clarity where the world gets easier and I'm cured. It's a roller coaster and it always will be. But you do start to notice that things get a little easier. And that your mood becomes more even. Anxiety becomes just a smidge more manageable. It is a quicker recovery when I do have moments of panic.

What I can say is without committing to this complete openness, I wouldn't be able to sustain a healthy life. I would continue becoming sick. I would not live a normal life. I quite frankly would grow worse and worse unless I finally took a stand and said all in or all out.

I understand mental illness is diverse and its not easy. Every story is different. Some harder than others. Some of us don't cope well. It's not your fault that you have this burden to bear.

It is however on you to take responsibility for it and to do everything you can to overcome.

We are all born with (as I like to call them) extra features. They are the pieces that might not be the highlight reel of our stories, but they are nevertheless part of who we are.

You don't get a pass because you're suffering from something. We are all going through something.

I encourage you to figure out what concoction of medicine, therapy, activity, etc that works for you. It's your responsibility to get out there and figure out what your perfect cocktail is and mix it. Nobody ever promised an easy life. The good news is, if you're dealt a difficult card, you've got the opportunity to make it easier.

The choice is yours sequins! Are you going to make excuses or build the tools to succeed?

Diary of An Anxious Person, Part 324832

I've avoided an anxiety update for some time now. In therapy I have been spending a lot of time exploring past trauma and understanding how that affects who I am now. And it's exhausting.

I never really understood the concept of emotional exhaustion. For me it has always been easy to push feelings aside and move forward. They have been within my control for as long as I can remember. Even the traumas in my life have been contained to parts of my brain that are locked away.

I'm not sure I've even been aware of the fact that talking about these traumas has caused me to feel them emotionally. I've oddly been able to talk about the trauma (with a very select group of people) in an almost scientific way. I can explain what happened without revealing any emotion. That hasn't changed.

What has changed is the linking of the trauma to the way I am now and the anxieties I allow to control me because of those traumas. I am more aware of why I act or react in certain situations because I'm talking with my therapist about them.

And even more, I'm remembering and revealing situations that were traumatic but that I had buried away. Things people have said to me, done to me, and have treated me that I had apparently simply stored away as a way to cope.

I am now seeing that my fear of small spaces, need to constantly be prepared for the worst (and formulate a plan of action) are a result of experiences in my past.

So when I'm anxious in an elevator, crowd, or near a stranger, I start to think of these traumas and understand why I'm feeling as anxious as I am. And it becomes a spiral. I start to reflect on being attacked or in an active shooter situation when I get those prickles of fear on my neck.

What I've learned is I've never truly talked about those traumas or how they made me feel. And because of that, my body created responses to protect itself. I'm living in a state of heightened awareness and worst case scenario because I've experienced worst case scenario.

But worst case scenario is in fact rare. However, when you store the feelings from those experiences in your brain instead of facing how they make you feel and deal with working through those feelings, you don't allow yourself to be realistic about them. So your body internalizes it and develops a reaction of fight or flight.

And when you constantly deal with situations where maybe you're verbally abused and don't face those abuses head on, you start to believe them. Instead of stopping them in their tracts and saying no, those are not true and not a reflection of me, you allow them to build.

I've got a good 32 years of trauma that I'm only now starting to explore the consequences of. And even dipping a small toe into that world has caused me to become exhausted. I become quiet. Overwhelmed. I shut down. Truly the only person I'm talking to about it all is my therapist. It leaves me drained after each session. But the hope is that I'll eventually learn to process and share these experiences and feelings with the people around me that are so important to my life.

I've shared parts of my trauma here but in all honesty, while I believe in transparency, I don't believe in sharing every piece of me in such a public space. Part of having the honor of keeping an inner circle is keeping certain things to just that circle. Not everyone gets to know me and who I am. I want those important to me to know that they're getting to know the private stories that make me who I am because of how important they are to me.

What that's all caused me to do is experience moments of depression that I haven't had to deal with for a really long time. And that scares me. At one point in my life, a very long time ago, I dealt with very serious depression. So serious that I wasn't sure I wanted to exist in the world anymore. Thankfully, I don't live in that world anymore. I believe in my value and enjoy living. Life, being alive, it's important to me, I love being here. But realizing I have been sad lately has scared me because of that past depression. I'm not even remotely living in a space that I once did. It's more a sadness than a true depression. And thankfully, I know the signs, the triggers and how to bounce back. I also think I have to face that sadness for the traumas in order to move past them. You can't process them without engaging in all the emotional spaces your brain needs to go in order to move on.

Side bar - admitting depression at that level is hard for me, even shameful. But it's a part of my story, a part of my growing and moving on, and it's something a lot of people deal with. I don't want to deny that part of my life, I want to let someone out there facing it know that even the sparkliest, most vivacious people in the world go through things. There's hope, it gets better, and you are worthy of joy.

If I'm scoring where I'm at right now, I'll go 5/10. I'm in a weird space. I find I'm sad sometimes and anxious more often than not. But I don't consider this a dangerous or negative time. I think it's an extremely overdue and necessary space to grow and become better equipped to manage anxiety/depression in the future. You've got to fight for the best parts of your life when you live with mental illness. Unless you're willing to go to the dark and ugly places, you don't ever get to experience the sparkliest and sunniest parts.

I think it's also important to say that just because I'm in a weird place doesn't mean I'm not living my best life. I'm thriving because I'm allowing myself to be in a weird space. I'm putting the effort into have a better tomorrow. And I'm brave enough to share the worst parts of my story because I won't allow them to define the best parts. You don't have to live in extremes of good and bad - you can be happy, confident, engaged, and thriving while still feeling some hard times. It's not a rule that you have to fit into certain boxes to be mentally healthy. It's ok to be equally happy and struggling. The most important thing is to be in tune with what those feelings are, how to manage the hard parts and highlight the good parts.

It's all a balance. It's all a constantly shifting see-saw. You're never going to exist wholly in the highs or lows. Having the tools to manage that see-saw is what matters and how you live the healthiest mental journey possible. Find comfort in knowing we all go dark and we all go light. The best most colorful people allow those times to exist. They sit in them and live in them as much as they can so that they understand how to maximize the world around them. You're not alone. you're not weird. You're you. And that's pretty damn cool.

Homework Assignments

My therapist recently gave me two worksheets. They are my homework assignments. Both challenge me to think critically about feelings, relationships, and how to improve upon both.

I love worksheets. Anything that gives me a set of defined tasks, a checklist, and boxes to fill in my answers gives my heart a flutter.

The first worksheet is going to be my homework assignment to you all today.

Here's your task:

I'm going to give you 5 categories and you need to:

1. Identify what you're doing well in this area

2. Where you need to improve and

3. What are your goals for the relationship?

Categories:

Family, Career, Physical Health, Mental Health, and Friends

My example is going to be Mental Health.

1. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist to acknowledge my areas of weakness, come up with medical support, and talk therapy for giving me the tools to manage anxiety.

2. I allow my anxiety to control a large piece of my life both personally and professionally. I also still have a problem trusting, opening up, and relying on others.

3. My goal is to get to a place that I feel confident in being able to manage my anxiety daily as well as learn to process and express emotions in a healthy way.

Now go do your homework. Report back what you find and if this exercise helped you as much as its starting to help me. Sometimes writing down things like this help us to better process and understand the reality of them so that we know how to best manage and create a better life for ourselves.

Full Transparency

Emotional support animals have been in the news a lot lately.  From peacocks to puppies - everyone seems to have some kind of ESA - myself included.  

A lot of people have ESA's to be able to fly with their dog for free, avoid pet rent and deposits, and to be able to make it easier to take your pet with you anywhere you please.  And for those of us who aren't simply trying to save money - Id like to send a resounding FU to the fakes.

I have anxiety.  For the most part a lot of my issues are when I don't have control in a situation.  That comes from having been through traumas in which I had absolutely no control.  One of the biggest areas my anxiety presents itself is when I fly.  

Thankfully, the more and more I fly, the more at ease I get about it - but I still get sweaty, anxious, heart racing fear every time I board a flight.  I adopted my little boy Nashville almost 3 years ago.  I had never intended to make him an ESA but a therapist suggested I look into it.

Now full transparency, ESAs don't have as many rights as service dogs, and I think that makes sense.  I do hope one day we can allow for ESA's to be at the level of service dogs for mental health.  For now, I hope that we will take the process more seriously than we do now.  

Back to me.  I eventually was able to get a note from my psychiatrist to have Nash fly with me and live with me free of charge.  On the airplane, he is able to sit in my lap.  For the most part, he sleeps.  He has no real skill except he provides something for me to pet and cuddle, which in turn relaxes me.  

Here's the thing - could I fly without my dog?  Yes.  Do I need him to survive my everyday life?  I don't.  But he does greatly ease some of the symptoms of my often severe anxiety.  And that makes my quality of life better.  And I deserve that.  

Seeing people simply get a note from a doctor to make their pet an ESA because they're avoiding paying a fee - that makes me angry.   It makes it harder for my situation to be taken seriously.  It makes it harder for someone who is worse off than myself to be taken seriously.  And it's bullshit.

Full transparency - you're an asshole if this is you and I absolutely believe that this should carry legal repercussions.   Full transparency, mental illness - in its many forms - in people who truly suffer from it - is crippling.  People who truly suffer from it, we don't think it's a cool trend.  We don't think it's a fun label to carry.  Most often, we don't even want to talk about it. We don't want to stand out because of it.

You wouldn't park in a handicap spot if you're not handicap would you?  Don't get yourself a cute puppy you want to travel with if you can't afford to pay the cost.  Mental health is a very serious issue that creates a lot of the problems in our world.  For those of us working hard every second of every day to just "be normal," all we want is to exist with as little attention as possible.  Don't make it harder because you'd like to make your life easier.

Full transparency, be a better person.

Diaries of My Anxiety Part 328632

It's been quite some time since I updated you on the adventures of my anxiety.  Oddly - I don't feel like I've been living my best life and yet my anxiety has been a lot more in control than I can ever remember it being.  And here's why:

• Consistent therapy
• The right medications
• Boundaries
• Self Care

Therapy

Due to my crazy schedule, I don't always get to therapy weekly.  But I never miss more than once week.  That is my rule.  Therapy has provided me such a safe space.  It gives my very analytical mind a third party with no skin in the game to bounce my anxious thoughts off of.  My therapist is a good fit for me because I feel comfortable enough not to do anything but be myself.  I'm honest, open, and I don't justify anything.  Therapy is such a critical tool in my arsenal because it helps me to view myself and my problems in a way that I maybe had not seen before.

The Right Medications

I had never seen a psychiatrist until I moved  to Texas.  In Texas, you have to see a psychiatrist in order to be prescribed with mental health medications.  And what a difference it has made.  I've been on one form or another of antianxiety or depression medication since I was a teenager.  But I never felt quite right with what I had been on.  Seeing a psychiatrist has entirely changed that.  She understands I don't want to be controlled by medications and that I'm willing to put in a little more work to not rely on them.  If you're  taking medications to help your mental health - make sure you are educated and involved in what you're being prescribed.

Boundaries

I talk a lot about boundaries.  And I used to think I was pretty decent at setting them.  Turns out, I'm not.  I let people take advantage of me in my personal and professional lives.  Until recently.  I've almost become a bit ruthless in the way that I set boundaries now.  If I'm burnt out at work, I say no to new assignments.  I simply refuse to travel.  I am vocal about my exhaustion.  And while one day, it may bite me - it's worth it.  In my personal life, if friendships exhaust me, I pull away.  If relationships aren't providing me joy, I leave.  Certainly I have moments of weakness, but having the power within me to say no - is absolutely fueling my confidence.

Self Care

I am pretty bad at self care.  I always used to think I was practicing it but until my therapist sat down with me and showed me examples of self care - and then told me that I can create my own version of self care - I was wrong.  Self care should be practiced daily.  Not once a week, not burning out until I need an entire weekend of it.  Daily.  So that's what I do.  I take time each day to really do things that I know reset me.  Whether that be working out, watching TV, talking to friends, writing - whatever - I do it.  And I don't explain myself when I cancel other plans to put me first.

My anxiety is and always will be a constant battle.  I'm going to feel incredible for periods of time, and utterly hopeless others.  I hope that what I have to say and share when it comes to my anxiety helps inspire you to take control of whatever mental health struggle you have in life.  Because it is possible to live your best life with anxiety or depression - or whatever it is you struggle with.  It's extra work, but nothing worth it ever comes easy.

Diary of an Anxious Person, Part 6832

In the last 3 months, I've had some real struggles as well as real successes with my anxiety.  It's odd to feel both in a place of setback and a place of growth, but I am somewhere in the middle of both.

And something I've realized lately is that being an anxious person means balancing between having bad days and having good ones.  That we have moments where we feel at our worst, but as long as we are recognizing them, we are working towards being our best.  And the more you can keep yourself in the middle of setback and growth, the more you are able to keep a balanced life on your journey with anxiety.

As simple as that seems, for people with anxiety, we crave that far right end of the spectrum, that normal.  It never truly occurs to someone with anxious thinking to exist happily in the middle.  I've mostly thought of the world of mental health as either you've got mental health struggles or you're normal - and that's incredibly wrong.  The healthiest mental state is that middle of the spectrum balance.

So my focus these last three months has been to find the place that I can have anxious out of control moments and then be able to look to the other end of the scale to find peace.  

When I have a day that feels overwhelmingly stressful, I consider it a huge success to not breakdown.  Because lately - there have been some days that I have wanted to break down.  But I don't.  The time I spend in my chaotic mindset is less.  The time coming back from it, and focusing on how to either change my mindset or change my situation is occupying way more of my day.

For me - this is a breakthrough.  It's a new way of understanding how to exist in a healthier mindset and hopefully build a long term plan.  I've still got some unreasonable days and ridiculous reactions.  And that sucks.  It probably always will.  But living a balanced life with anxiety and mental health issues is very possible.

It's on you to put the time and effort in and make the active decision to take responsibility to be the best human possible.