Going through it

TW: Suicide

For awhile there y’all, I was going through it.

Between dealing with the whole Suns gestures wildly STUFF, leaving a job I was really excited about after only a little over a year, and health issues - I had been feeling just punched down at every turn.

At the same time - I struggle with making sure I am aware of my privilige. Because truly it could be significanlty worse.

However - just because I’m privileged and realistically ok - I can still struggle. And that’s important to acknowledge.

Because I have been going through it.

Trauma coming up from years ago, being in the media, being a super active and healthy person and then not having those same capabilities, leaving a job I had been loving but that turned into a complete nightmare - all of that alone is a lot - together - whew.

The point is - life is hard, different degrees of hard sure - but hard. Take the time to say “ok I’m struggling.” And then get perspective and get help.

Therapy, mental health breaks - medication if you need it. USE IT ALL.

I think we are all going through it a bit right now and have been for going on 3 years. Having that awareness to say it out loud and get the help you need matters.

Nobody is asking you to sit in silence. And if you’re privileged, nobody is asking you to apologize for it, simply be aware of it.

I feel like I’ve been going through it on and off since the pandemic happened - much like we all have. It just took me a ridiculously long time to admit it.

But as we’ve seen lately, suicide is becoming much more prevalent. And that hurts my heart. So please, please speak up if you’re going through it.

Speak up, speak often and ask for help.

If you’re going through it, there’s help.

There’s safe spaces and resources available and people who want to be there.

If you’re going through it, it’s ok. You deserve to feel seen, heard and supported.

Unapolagetic

Oh she’s unapolagetic again is she? She is. But this time, it’s about mental health. As I mentioned last week, I’ve been going through it. And I’m not quite sure how to come out of it. So I’ve started being honest.

I think I talk a lot about it, but I don’t always follow through. Lately, I have been openly following through like never before.

Say something that is not cool? I’ll say so. Asking for my time and I don’t have it? I’m saying no.

I grew up (like a lot of women) wanting to people please and keep the peace. But I’m dealing with my own special mess of stress & anxiety and I don’t have time for your shit too.

And it’s amazing. I am too exhausted to worry about making someone else uncomfortable who is asking too much of me.

Disregarding my anxiety? I’m going to tell you about it. And I’m going to demand the respect I deserve.

Instead of feeling bad for prioritizing me, I am owning the hell out of it.

I don’t have enough time nor energy right now to devote to anyone but me, and that matters. That’s just as important as giving others my time and energy.

Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten older, maybe its the pandemic, but I have finally realized I can’t do it all. And I shouldn’t have to.

What do you need right now? Do that. Be that. Embrace that. The people who know and love you will support you. Anyone else? Fuck em. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Be Easy

These last two weeks of shelter in place have been the most difficult for me. I’ve been amplifying my insecurities and it’s greatly affected my anxious thoughts. Turns out, I’m far from the only one in this mental space.

I struggle when I don’t have a goal to attain. At work, at home - I need to set goals and timelines for achieving them. The thing is, COVID19 don’t care about my driven lifestyle.

At work, I’m lucky to have a job. My company, my team, and myself — we are focused on adjusting the way we do business and how to continue to be a profitable company in 2020. The same promotion, raises, big bonuses — those are less of a guarantee and more of a, hope 2021 sees us in a stronger place. Ya’ll know I am career oriented. Too much so. I hold myself to extremely high standards and having an entire year where there isn’t really a huge goal to meet is hard.

In my career I feel stuck. I feel scared. I am struggling to stay focused due to the fact that I am deeply empathetic and the troubles of the world are something I am carrying each day. My high standards of excellence are showing in the way I am beating myself up over not being where I think I should be in my career. In reality, I am at a world class company, with incredible pay and benefits and I am thriving. Not only that, I have a side hustle that let’s me do what I’m most passionate about — write! Not only am I doing just fine, I am excelling.

At home, I am healthy. I have food, shelter, and I spend an entirely unnecessary amount on Amazon finds I don’t need. But my insecurities are screaming about my body (If Adele has a flawless bod I should too!), my savings (Come on why don’t you have a cool mil in the bank!?), and my productivity (haven’t reorganized the entire apartment yet, lazy B!). Realistically I workout at least an hour everyday, I’m saving and have strong financial security right now, and I’ve picked up a few projects here and there. I’m thriving.

Life is ridiculous right now. Truly, there’s never ever been a time like this. Millions are out of work. Families are losing homes, unable to feed themselves. I don’t know what asshole decided that because an elite privileged few of us have the time and resources we should come out of this with a perfect body, $10M, and a new startup. But that’s absurd. Whatever you need to do to survive, do that. And accept yourself and others for whatever that looks like.

I’m not saying don’t go out and takeover the world and come out of this your best self. If you have the ability to do that, rock on! But stop holding others to that standard. Recognize how privileged you are to have the resources to build that empire and build your best bod.

For a lot of us, surviving this time is the best way to thrive. My therapist offered up a goal to me of maintaining balance, conquering my insomnia and just being kinder to myself. For me, that’s a lot to tackle and if I can even get a grip on one of those I’ll consider this time a success.

Some days I work out two hours, create a gallery wall, cook a fancy meal and join 6 meetings. Some days I walk for an hour, watch 6 episodes of Outer Banks and order in. Both days are valuable.

Figure out what you need each day to find happiness. To feel good. To survive.

Be easy on yourself. This is truly an unprecedented time in history and I’m not sure it’s going to define you long term if you don’t become an SI swimsuit model with a successful Fortune 500 company who read 36 books, built a home from scratch and figured out how to master French cuisine.

I’ll say it now - I consider myself relatively successful in the grand scheme and I don’t think I’m going to achieve any of those things. But bet in the future you’ll continue to see me be a force of nature in every single thing I choose to do.

Shelter in Place

The last time I heard the words shelter in place, I was in an active shooter situation. I realize that what we are experiencing right now is not the same danger. Yet my anxiety is saying differently.

I am anxious. I am stressed. I am scared.

I don’t normally subscribe to the philosophy of thinking that everything could be worse. I think its an extreme way to belittle feelings and avoid confronting very real problems. But for now — and for the foreseeable future, it is what I live by.

For the survival of my mental health, reminding myself that I have everything I need to make it through this is vital. Not everyone has shelter, food, a job, a support system — and many won’t make it through this to begin with. I have all of that and more and I will be just fine.

I get why people panic, I truly do. Uncertainty, the need to protect yourself and your loved ones, that lights a fire under us all. But I am so sick of seeing everyone do so at the expense of others. I don’t know why its so hard for some people to care about the well being of others. Humanity depends on this to survive. At the very least, you should know and understand that.

I don’t have the energy to go into it all.

I just want to say to be kind to yourself and each other. Have empathy. Feel what you feel, distance yourself from the fear, but stay connected to the people who love you. Practice loving yourself and others as much as you possibly can. Give to others as much as you can. Help others as much as you can.

This thing will end. We will come out of it and things will go back to normal. I hope that you will be proud of who you were doing this time.

I am anxious. I am stressed. I am scared.

I know you are too.

Panicked

It is obviously a very strange and stressful time in our world right now. Everywhere we turn there is more scary news about the Coronavirus. And that’s causing a panic.

We should absolutely be taking this very seriously. It is a very serious virus and has proven to shut down entire nations. But there is absolutely no reason to panic.

I obviously life with anxiety. And I’m scared too because I have a compromised immune system.

I am also a realist. And I care about myself and others. So I am choosing not to panic. I am also choosing to self quarantine. You should be doing these things as well.

If you have anxiety, this is a challenge. So let’s talk about to make it easier.

Limit Exposure

I mean this literally by social distancing but I also mean in the form of a digital detox. Stay informed with reputable and real sources (aka stop listening to the White House), but limit the amount of negative information you are exposing yourself to. Log off social media where a lot of the information available is wrong. Turn the channel if you’ve already spent time updating yourself for the day. The more you take in the content that is negative, the more you will panic. Turn it off, turn off the thing that is exacerbating your anxiety.

Stay Occupied

Distractions are everything. Been meaning to clean out your closet and donate old clothes? Is that book your friend recommended gathering dust on your bedside table? Still have that Pilates class waiting in your DVR? Do those things. Choose positive distractions during this time. Do all the things we all put off in our regular busy lives. And if it doesn’t bring you joy, don’t do it.

Create a Safe Space

You’re going to be spending a lot of time at home. Put in the work to make it a safe and comfortable space for you. Prepare with the supplies you need (prepare, NOT panic), make a cozy space, clean and organize. Do everything you need to do in order to feel joy and calm in your space. The more you feel “at home” the easier it is to actually spend well, all of your time there.

Invest in the right kind of social

No, not social media. We are social beings, we need that connection. FaceTime your family and friends. Text with them. Send cards, emails, tag the memes! Continue to remain connected in a healthy low risk way to the people that are important to you. Even the most introverted person in the world is not going to survive with no human contact.

Keep moving

My fitness game the last week has been on point. Get outside. Go for a walk (if you’re in a suburban or rural area, city kids sorry - keep your workouts at home), sit outside, get a workout class in (virtually). Mental health is connected to physical health. Don’t sit too long. Don’t sleep all day. Get moving.

Eat healthy

Again, health body, healthy mind. You can still order groceries online. Cool healthy meals. Eat healthy snacks. You’ve got time to show your Pinterest board the recipes you’ve been saving are actually going to be out to use. Sure, indulge, but eat as healthy as you can.

I know, things seem bleak right now. Things are hard. They’re straight up not fun. And for a lot of people, they are terrifying. Show up for yourself and others by doing the right thing. Stay home. Be kind. Help others where you can. We will get through this, but we have to do it together.

Perfection

Growing up my safe space has always been to aim for perfection. When I fall short of that, I dwell in a really negative space. If I make a mistake at work, I say something unkind — I am not able to let that go.

Perfection is not attainable. It is not real. It’s not even really cool.

Yet at 34, I still cannot run far from that need to be perfect.

Growing up an athlete, it is ingrained in you to be the best at everything. And if you’re not the best, you work harder until you are. I have carried that throughout my adult life. It’s exhausting.

I spend a lot of time in therapy learning to cut myself a break. Because in reality, I’m not perfect and I never will be.

Something I have started is spending time talking positively to myself, about myself. I’m supposed to work to make at least 50% of the thoughts in my head positive. That sounds easy but I’d say 90% of my thoughts are not kind.

Every time I speak negatively in my head to myself, I am challenging myself to say something positive to counter that mean thought.

Being a perfectionist with anxiety is a bit of a curse, and it truly doesn’t work. Especially given that I often don’t have a filter. Retraining you’re mind to focus on the good, well it just makes the good better. It amplifies the sparkle and makes your whole world shine.

I know I’m not alone. A lot of former athletes (and a lot of humans in general) relate to the need to be perfect. It’s all we know to strive for.

What if we changed the narrative and strived to be great as we are? If we focused on how badass we are? If we let ourselves be flawed and be thankful for that?

I challenge you to spend more time living and less time focusing on how to live perfectly. When you thrive in spaces that are uncomfortable — you might just find some of the most magical moments of your life.

I had an Epiphany

The other day, I was being very introspective and in my feels. And that led me to an epiphany.

I am at peace.

I’ve certainly got a long way to go to be completely comfortable in life and I have my very off days - but for the most part, I am simply at peace.

For a really long time (is this my favorite way to start a sentence?) I was always in turmoil. Always struggling to not let the actions and words of others affect me.

From traumas to friendships to work — I would internalize everything and allow it to completely control my inner peace.

Through therapy, and a whole lot of commitment each day, I think I’ve got an initial understanding of how to combat that.

I’ve made myself happy.

I detach from things and people who bring me great stress, I put a lot of time towards the things that make me feel whole, and I repeat over and over to myself — that is not yours to control.

I haven’t ever been a judgmental person. It’s not in my nature. BUT, I do think that when I’m unhappy with myself, I find ways to be unhappy with others. I’ll be less patient with a coworker or I’ll make a snippy comment about a friend.

Lately, that’s not been a thing. For the most part, I have more patience, less internal bitterness, and more namaste.

Because I am a very instant gratification, what’s the purpose, when do we achieve the goal type A person — I want to have tangible results on things. Even therapy. And after a year of steadily committing to it, I was thinking where has it brought me and what has it taught me.

And the biggest thing I realized is this peace. The ability to let things go as not mine to own. And to genuinely not feel on the defensive 24/7. To not constantly be waiting for what’s next and allowing my anxieties to convince me of things that simply are not true.

Everything is not perfect, but all the sparkles are falling into place. I’m not naive enough to believe everything will be sparkles and rainbows forever, but I am confident I have better tools to manage the storms. Acknowledging that I am at peace gives me the realization that I have all the tools in front of me. When things get hard, I have everything I need to get through it.

My biggest piece of advice for those of you struggling with anxiety is to find peace within yourself. Figure out what that looks like and how to achieve it. And harness it. Go back to that place whenever you can. Write down what gets you there. Create a toolbox that you can rely on when things get tough. Because they will. They always will.

I had an epiphany the other day, and it has everything to do with the faith I have in myself.

Unbothered: Chapter Two

Good news, I am still living my most unbothered life. I have decided to take it to the next level and redefine my social media experience.

In the past, I’ve always welcomed differences of opinion on my timelines. I’ve heavily rolled my eyes at the 45 supporters and the ultra bigot crowd but I’ve let them take up space on my timeline. Even heavily engaged in a little back and forth on the important issues. That shit is canceled.

It’s social media. The discussions I have on there, they really aren’t changing lives. The kids from my hometown who haven’t ever done anything, the family friends who swim in the white privilege pool only - I don’t need them.

Life is too short. I don’t need to play nice with people who quite frankly, are a waste of time.

If you choose hateful, ignorant views in 2020, I’m over you. You’re a human troll, an internet troll, and most often, you aren’t going to change.

Truly, accepting a difference of opinion on things like human rights and social justice, that’s not a thing. That’s not something I owe anyone. There’s right and there’s wrong and there is no in between on those things.

I’m active in the real world. I’m donating my monies, my time, and I’m dedicating myself to learning the facts. I value being a productive and active member of society — for all the good things. I don’t feel comfortable resting in my privilege and I am not ok being quiet in times of injustice.

I honestly don’t even care anymore about changing the minds of a lot of folks that are too far gone. There are enough people out there willing to learn, grow, and fight for what’s right. Susan from my hometown who watches Fox News, live in your bubble girl, we are done with you. You sell that MLM and call it a boss babe career, and you call yourself a Christian but say nothing when babies are ripped from their families and put in cages. You’re livin girl, what a life.

I am not here for the draining unnecessary suck that is conservative social media. The misinformed, the #alllivesmatter, the idiots who think 45 has made our economy “boom” - get it off my feeds. If I haven’t seen you in 10 years, if we weren’t friends in real life and you’re out here spreading that nonsense, I am unsubscribing from you.

I’m focused, my sparkles are aligned, I’m rolling into 2020 full speed ahead curating a social media feed filled with puppies and empathy. You want to be part of it? Be a better human being. Otherwise, no vain selfies for you people, you will just have to find a way to survive without me. Which sounds impossible because I am a GD UNICORN.

A Case of the Sads

Anxiety has been a constant in my life as long as I can remember. As a child I was misdiagnosed with depression but thankfully, that’s not ever been something I’ve dealt with.

Recently though, I’ve had random cases of the “sads.” It’s never a long term thing, and it’s never as horrible as stories I’ve heard from others who truly suffer from it — but it’s not pleasant to go through.

I didn’t even understand it at first. The feeling of general just sad and the inability to know why. It' was an overwhelming lack of energy, not wanting to be social and a loss of appetite. For someone who doesn’t experience those things, I found it especially unsettling.

Thankfully, I have tools in place to manage my mental health in a really positive way.

I prioritized therapy, spoke up to the people around me, and I took the time I needed for self care.

I don’t have depression. So it’s a lot easier for me to sit here and say I did those three things and I pulled myself out of the darker time. However, regardless of what mental health struggles you have - you have to prioritize managing it.

It’s really easy to say that you have anxiety or depression and sit on that as a crutch in life. Sometimes people even use it to excuse really bad behavior. And that’s all it is, an excuse.

Having a mental illness is not an excuse to be a bad person.

Having a mental illness does make life a little harder day to day. Sometimes a lot harder. And I think that means that you can ask people to be patient with you, but it does not mean you can ask people to accept you if you refuse to help yourself.

Mental illness isn’t fair, and neither is life. You have to put in the work. You have to utilize the resources available to you (and I do realize I am privileged to have all the resources I do). There are resources. Some have to work harder to get to them, but they are there.

Most of all, it really starts with acknowledging what you deal with and committing yourself to putting in the work to exist day to day.

Some days I’m at my worst, and I need to step away from people and places in order to just be by myself and process. And some days I have to ask for help - something I’m very uncomfortable with. None of it is easy, but it is important.

Bottom line, it’s ok to have the sads sometimes. It’s ok to feel complete overwhelming anxiety. Never be ashamed of those things. It’s not ok to use those ailments as a crutch as you operate through life.

Diary of An Anxious Person, Part ...Whatever

I’m not really sure what part of this whole diary I am on. When it comes to being an advocate for mental health, I tend to share the parts that I am experiencing in hopes that even one person can feel like they have someone to relate to. Or that one person who loves someone with a mental illness can find just a little more understanding and compassion.

The hardest part about being someone who deals with anxiety is feeling alone. It’s that feeling that something is wrong with you. It’s wanting to be able to be carefree and finding it impossible.

When I describe anxiety lately, I tell people it’s the inability to be calm.

Whether I am at work, at the gym, or watching TV on my couch - I am never in a complete state of calm.

Anxiety is very much a constant wheel turning of the mind. It’s never having one clear thought. It’s like being in constant chaos.

Anxious people have trouble concentrating. It’s why we often forget things that you may have told us 30 times.

Anxious people have trouble sitting still. It’s why we constantly need to move around and are often overachievers who never stop working.

Anxious people have trouble processing feelings. It is why we may not be able to express ourselves in a clear or effective way.

When you are unable to find a state of calm, you are in a permanent state of worry.

And nobody is harder on people who go through this than those of us living it.

I wish I was different every single day. I wish I could sit still. I wish I could focus. I wish I wasn’t constantly in a a state of turmoil.

That all sounds really dark.

I don’t exist in a permanently dark place. But I do want anxiety to be understood in a way that makes sense. And people with anxiety have really dark corners of our lives because we feel things very deeply.

We are not a people of in the middle. Because there is no calm, there is often extreme high and extreme low.

Everything is internalized and battered about to consider things we could have or should have said and done.

Imagine never having a moment of calm. Never being able to shut off your mind. A mind consistently working and bouncing from topic to topic. Of not being able to remember and yet never being able to forget. It’s like having the most accurate replay in existence, but only for the negative things.

Diary of an anxious person today, is a lot of scribbles and lines and eraser marks and words. It’s a wild and wacky book of never ending thoughts and emotions. Because being an anxious person means the most treasured thing you could ever have within you is a sense of quiet calm.