I guess therapy works

It took me a few years to stick with therapy regularly and do the work. Because you can go to therapy, but not actually participate in a way that makes it effective. Or you’re with the wrong therapist. A whole lot of things have to align for therapy to stick and actually make you change. Including being in a place to invest in becoming better.

I’m not great with feelings. Because of trauma and being an athlete, I am the best at turning off my emotions and getting shit done. It’s both a skill and a problem.

But eventually, I became exhausted of my own bullshit. I was tired of not getting the most out of life and always feeling ‘meh’ or worse than meh. Or not being able to control my anxiety + PTSD.

I’ve slowly evolved, grown and become better for myself and others, but not in any meaningful way until the last year. But more and more, I’m finally having those moments they tell you about. Where you handle a situation better than old you would have. I’m less frazzled in situations that used to cripple me. My priorities are different. My inner circle is tight and I’m quicker to cut out people who don’t create peace in my nervous system.

I’m still not a crier. I don’t know if that will ever change. And I still struggle with opening up when I’m struggling, but I do open up. I do say “I’m having a hard time with my mental health.” And while that may seem small, for me, that’s night and day. I speak openly about my PTSD and triggers. If I need to remove myself from a situation, I do. I don’t apologize for that, I just express my needs and follow through. I no longer suffer to avoid speaking about it.

More often than not, when I have therapy, I learn something new about why I am the way I am or how I can become a better version of myself.

Therapy works. And not the trendy therapy words or workbooks or toxic way in which folks have weaponized mental health. Therapy works in a way that fundamentally changes who you are when you’re willing to go there.

Therapy is a lot of work. It’s really hard. If you’re doing it right, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But without it, I’m not sure where I’d be. So if you’re looking for a reason to make your life better, to learn to better cope, to have better relationships - to just get more goodness out of the world we spend so little time in - go to therapy. And do it right.

Anxious Mess

My anxiety has finally caught up with me and I’m a bit of a mess. Nothing wild, I haven’t made any questionable decisions, it’s been more of just an overall feeling of being tense that I can’t seem to shake.

And I honestly couldn’t figure out why.

Well let’s think. In the last 6 months (while we’ve still been in a pandemic) I have moved states, gotten a new (very busy) job, and moved in with my parents while I buy my first home.

Whew. That’s exhausting to read about. And I’ve been living it without stopping to consider that’s a whole lot of change in a year full of change.

I need to cut myself a break.

And I need to prioritize whatever I need to do in order to actually make that happen.

What I find when I get this way, which in all honestly, I rarely feel this anxious this consistently — but when I do, it causes me to be really hard on myself in every way. I think it’s an attempt to get some control back.

Lately I’m more insecure, meaner to myself, and pull away from people more.

I don’t actually have a healthy solution here. I don’t have the answers. It’s more to say I’m in this place and I’m trying to find my way back but I’m not there yet.

Sometimes I think that’s huge in and of itself. When you recognize where you are, what’s causing it, and that it’s not great - that can be a really big step.

I love that we are talking about mental health more, but I wish more people spoke up when they don’t have an answer. When it’s jsut a hard time you need to work your way through.

Don’t feel bad for just knowing something is wrong but not knowing how to fix it. For a lot of people, figuring out there’s a problem is the biggest step you can take.

I had an Epiphany

The other day, I was being very introspective and in my feels. And that led me to an epiphany.

I am at peace.

I’ve certainly got a long way to go to be completely comfortable in life and I have my very off days - but for the most part, I am simply at peace.

For a really long time (is this my favorite way to start a sentence?) I was always in turmoil. Always struggling to not let the actions and words of others affect me.

From traumas to friendships to work — I would internalize everything and allow it to completely control my inner peace.

Through therapy, and a whole lot of commitment each day, I think I’ve got an initial understanding of how to combat that.

I’ve made myself happy.

I detach from things and people who bring me great stress, I put a lot of time towards the things that make me feel whole, and I repeat over and over to myself — that is not yours to control.

I haven’t ever been a judgmental person. It’s not in my nature. BUT, I do think that when I’m unhappy with myself, I find ways to be unhappy with others. I’ll be less patient with a coworker or I’ll make a snippy comment about a friend.

Lately, that’s not been a thing. For the most part, I have more patience, less internal bitterness, and more namaste.

Because I am a very instant gratification, what’s the purpose, when do we achieve the goal type A person — I want to have tangible results on things. Even therapy. And after a year of steadily committing to it, I was thinking where has it brought me and what has it taught me.

And the biggest thing I realized is this peace. The ability to let things go as not mine to own. And to genuinely not feel on the defensive 24/7. To not constantly be waiting for what’s next and allowing my anxieties to convince me of things that simply are not true.

Everything is not perfect, but all the sparkles are falling into place. I’m not naive enough to believe everything will be sparkles and rainbows forever, but I am confident I have better tools to manage the storms. Acknowledging that I am at peace gives me the realization that I have all the tools in front of me. When things get hard, I have everything I need to get through it.

My biggest piece of advice for those of you struggling with anxiety is to find peace within yourself. Figure out what that looks like and how to achieve it. And harness it. Go back to that place whenever you can. Write down what gets you there. Create a toolbox that you can rely on when things get tough. Because they will. They always will.

I had an epiphany the other day, and it has everything to do with the faith I have in myself.

A Case of the Sads

Anxiety has been a constant in my life as long as I can remember. As a child I was misdiagnosed with depression but thankfully, that’s not ever been something I’ve dealt with.

Recently though, I’ve had random cases of the “sads.” It’s never a long term thing, and it’s never as horrible as stories I’ve heard from others who truly suffer from it — but it’s not pleasant to go through.

I didn’t even understand it at first. The feeling of general just sad and the inability to know why. It' was an overwhelming lack of energy, not wanting to be social and a loss of appetite. For someone who doesn’t experience those things, I found it especially unsettling.

Thankfully, I have tools in place to manage my mental health in a really positive way.

I prioritized therapy, spoke up to the people around me, and I took the time I needed for self care.

I don’t have depression. So it’s a lot easier for me to sit here and say I did those three things and I pulled myself out of the darker time. However, regardless of what mental health struggles you have - you have to prioritize managing it.

It’s really easy to say that you have anxiety or depression and sit on that as a crutch in life. Sometimes people even use it to excuse really bad behavior. And that’s all it is, an excuse.

Having a mental illness is not an excuse to be a bad person.

Having a mental illness does make life a little harder day to day. Sometimes a lot harder. And I think that means that you can ask people to be patient with you, but it does not mean you can ask people to accept you if you refuse to help yourself.

Mental illness isn’t fair, and neither is life. You have to put in the work. You have to utilize the resources available to you (and I do realize I am privileged to have all the resources I do). There are resources. Some have to work harder to get to them, but they are there.

Most of all, it really starts with acknowledging what you deal with and committing yourself to putting in the work to exist day to day.

Some days I’m at my worst, and I need to step away from people and places in order to just be by myself and process. And some days I have to ask for help - something I’m very uncomfortable with. None of it is easy, but it is important.

Bottom line, it’s ok to have the sads sometimes. It’s ok to feel complete overwhelming anxiety. Never be ashamed of those things. It’s not ok to use those ailments as a crutch as you operate through life.

Diary of An Anxious Person, Part ...Whatever

I’m not really sure what part of this whole diary I am on. When it comes to being an advocate for mental health, I tend to share the parts that I am experiencing in hopes that even one person can feel like they have someone to relate to. Or that one person who loves someone with a mental illness can find just a little more understanding and compassion.

The hardest part about being someone who deals with anxiety is feeling alone. It’s that feeling that something is wrong with you. It’s wanting to be able to be carefree and finding it impossible.

When I describe anxiety lately, I tell people it’s the inability to be calm.

Whether I am at work, at the gym, or watching TV on my couch - I am never in a complete state of calm.

Anxiety is very much a constant wheel turning of the mind. It’s never having one clear thought. It’s like being in constant chaos.

Anxious people have trouble concentrating. It’s why we often forget things that you may have told us 30 times.

Anxious people have trouble sitting still. It’s why we constantly need to move around and are often overachievers who never stop working.

Anxious people have trouble processing feelings. It is why we may not be able to express ourselves in a clear or effective way.

When you are unable to find a state of calm, you are in a permanent state of worry.

And nobody is harder on people who go through this than those of us living it.

I wish I was different every single day. I wish I could sit still. I wish I could focus. I wish I wasn’t constantly in a a state of turmoil.

That all sounds really dark.

I don’t exist in a permanently dark place. But I do want anxiety to be understood in a way that makes sense. And people with anxiety have really dark corners of our lives because we feel things very deeply.

We are not a people of in the middle. Because there is no calm, there is often extreme high and extreme low.

Everything is internalized and battered about to consider things we could have or should have said and done.

Imagine never having a moment of calm. Never being able to shut off your mind. A mind consistently working and bouncing from topic to topic. Of not being able to remember and yet never being able to forget. It’s like having the most accurate replay in existence, but only for the negative things.

Diary of an anxious person today, is a lot of scribbles and lines and eraser marks and words. It’s a wild and wacky book of never ending thoughts and emotions. Because being an anxious person means the most treasured thing you could ever have within you is a sense of quiet calm.

Mental Health May

May is mental health awareness month and while in general I don’t subscribe to this whole one month out of the year awareness situation, I do want to highlight the discussion around mental health.

It seems everywhere we turn in the media, celebrities, athletes, and authority figures are talking about their own experiences with mental health. And it’s about time. But I want to make sure that we are mindful not to sensationalize mental illness.

There’s sort of been this way the media talks about mental health in a way that showcases the struggles as a true Hollywood story, a tale of sadness and drugs and broken relationships that takes away from the ‘normalness’ that is mental health. Certainly there are some very real and very dramatic end of the spectrum mental health stories but being that 1 in 5 Americans suffers from some sort of mental health disorder, it’s more common to have middle of the road experiences.

I’m talking high functioning anxiety, depression, bipolar - the people around you who suffer everyday and work hard to just exist and get through the day. That’s what I want to see highlighted and talked about in the media.

I do not want to belittle the very real addiction struggles as well as the suicide we see in the world. Those stories are real and important too. But until we are able to openly talk about the in between before those things occur, we are not going to be able to openly combat these issues.

I want to see companies, doctors, friends and family talking about anxiety, fear, depression, pain everyday so that we are able to treat mental health like we would physical health. Where there’s a constant check in, check up, and monitoring of your mind every single day.

I want mental health to be considered health. There shouldn’t be a separation, loop it into overall health and well being. Insurance should offer coverage like they do for your physical health.

For mental health May I challenge you to talk to the people around you about their mental health in a really open positive way. Ask questions, be supportive, normalize the conversation. Stop the stigma, the fear, the judgment around what being mentally ill means. Most of all, I challenge you to dig into your own mental health journey and figure out what it looks like and where you’d like it to go. You can’t help others until you figure out how to help yourself.

Emotional Support Human

One of the toughest parts of having anxiety can be the countless times you feel alone. It’s hearing someone tell you you’re dramatic. It’s listening to loved ones tell you it’s not a big deal. It’s having very intense emotions escalated more by the reactions of people who just don’t understand.

I am one of many who have an emotional support animal (ESA). And I have him for the purpose of supporting me when I am overwhelmed by my anxiety. He’s the best distraction and teammate I could ask for. But as much as he helps me, he can’t talk. He can’t relate. A snuggle and a smile are all I’m getting. Dogs are better than humans, but having an emotional support human, that’s a pretty important part of suffering from mental illnesses.

A close friend of mine also suffers from anxiety. She’s a very strong sounding board for me and someone who often is the only one who understands the emotions I’m experiencing. She’s also known me for 20+ years so she’s pretty in tune with who I am. I have now decided that she is my emotional support human.

Obviously an emotional support human is not a thing. But here I am, making waves. An emotional support human for me is someone outside of my standard toolbox of things I use to combat anxiety. I’ve got medication, a therapist, a psychiatrist, an ESA - I’m doing all of the practical things to manage my anxiety. The emotional support human is my person who helps talk me through my anxiety and emotions as someone who gets it. They’ve been through a lot of the experiences I’ve been through and they’re able to relate to the crazy things I often feel.

As with anything, my disclaimer is that you cannot solely rely on an emotional support human to solve your problems. They aren’t a doctor or even an expert. They’re likely just a friend who gets it. Huge fan though of someone who just gets it when the biggest struggle for me as someone living with anxiety is that not a lot of people get it. It’s trendy to have anxiety but very few people actually suffer from it. Sincerely, if you don’t really truly have anxiety, please stop saying you do. It’s like telling people you have a disease when you really don’t.

Human connections matter. They are literally necessary to survival. Feeling like you relate, belong and matter are so important to mental health and thriving in the world. Find the people who get you, support you, and allow you to continue to grow and live your best lives.

Another Statistic

70% of Americans experience some sort of traumatic event in their lives. About 20% of those people develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Women are twice as likely to develop PTSD than men.

I’ve had PTSD brought up in therapy a number of times. I’ve always dismissed it.

In my mind PTSD belongs to soldiers. People who have experienced that level of trauma.

Recently my therapist sat down and spent time breaking down how PTSD is diagnosed in the mental health world. Very simply, its broken down into four quadrants with characteristics in each that ramp up to the overall category. They deal with things like sleep, nightmares, fears, among other things. To be diagnosed you can have as little as I believe two characteristics in any one quadrant (many are linked so its common to have one from multiple areas). I embody characteristics from every category. Multiple characteristics in fact.

All of that to be said, I have officially been diagnosed with PTSD.

And that makes me feel wildly insecure, a fraud, afraid - and also relieved.

I am insecure because while anxiety is a generalized common thing, its trendy. It’s been more normalized in the world. People talk about it openly. Companies have health care that allows you to manage it. PTSD is talked about rarely and often associated with the military. It’s a heavy weight mental struggle that to me says “I’m a little bit broken.”

I feel like a fraud for that very reason - men and women fight in war, they see death. Thy leave their families for extended periods of time and see the absolute worst humanity has to offer. How dare I claim to have something they suffer from? Who am I to say I have PTSD too when you literally put your life on the line.

I’m terrified because PTSD seems so much more serious and complicated than anxiety. It feels like a physical burden I am carrying around. I also hear horror stories about people who become seriously depressed - even suicidal as a result of PTSD. I don’t want that to ever be something I experience.

Lastly, I am relieved. To have someone show you everything you feel and give you an explanation for it lifts a huge burden from your everyday struggles. I’ve always known that my anxiety and tendencies aren’t easily wrapped up as an anxious person. The quirks I have, the way I am, it hasn’t felt explained by simply being labeled as generalized anxiety. Having a researched and very real diagnosis is something that gives me a way to move forward. I know what’s wrong and better yet, there are ways to not only cope, but thrive.

To be entirely honest - I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this diagnosis. The insecurities in me are screaming at me not to. Surely I’ll be judged, called crazy, considered far too damaged. While intellectually I know that isn't true, I’m human, I just want to be normal.

I’m just not sure what’s normal. I can’t be the only person who fits into this category. I’m probably not the only person who feels afraid of what it means. I can’t just be another statistic.

All of this sounds very depressing quite frankly. Its not meant to be. Because what I want you to get out of this is I am excited. I am happy. I am free. There’s a new world opened up to me that allows me to heal.

I believe that in telling my stories rooted in mental health, I have the ability to affect others. to show that mental illness doesn’t look any one way. It exists in the people who are the sparkliest most bubbly human beings on the planet. And that part of me is truly authentic. But this other side exists too. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

I may be a statistic, but I am also human. I’m a businesswoman, a friend, a lover, an athlete, a fierce feminist, I’m everything. I’m a statistic in the best possible way because I’m proving that you are so much more than what the world labels you as.

I hope that as I continue to share my journey with you, you’ll find it helpful and you’ll be a safe space. And I hope that I’m able to be a safe space for you too.

Diary of an Anxious Person, Part 328423

Prior to my recent commitment to therapy, I had in fact gone to therapy in the past. I had even gone on a semi regular basis at one point. But what I now know is that while you can physically go to therapy, unless you're willing to be truly open and honest, it doesn't mean anything.

So while I thought that I was working to find tools for managing my anxiety, I wasn't. I wasn't laying everything on the table and talking about past traumas nor opening up enough to really understand why I have anxiety and what triggers it.

More recently I've opened up to my therapist more than I ever have with anyone in life. And what I've begun to understand is that carrying my burdens on my own only makes my life harder. You cannot outrun your own story. Each experience shapes how you think, act, and feel. And until you start to talk about those things, you won't be able to control your own demons.

As a teenager and into my 20's, I was sick a lot. I was hospitalized, had multiple surgeries, and rarely felt healthy. That time was also when I experienced my greatest traumas and had my most unhealthy relationships. There's a link there I never took the time to understand. Doctors always told me my immune system was the problem. So I believed them. Realistically, what I was experiencing mentally was absolutely affecting how my body reacted physically.

There are numerous studies correlating mental and physical well being. It's not hippie voo doo philosophy, it's scientifically proven that what you think directly affects how your body feels. We see it in serious illnesses and we see it in mental illness. It's fact. Kind of like global warming folks. Stop pretending it's not a thing. It's a thing.

Back to me. The more I grow and take steps to manage my mental health, the more my physical health has responded. I used to get pneumonia/bronchitis every year without fail. The flu was something I experienced multiple times annually. Surgery used to be an annual tradition. I haven't had surgery since 2008. I just got pneumonia for the first time in probably 2 years. The flu? Don't know her. And I am a big believer that unburdening my past, trusting my therapist to help guide me with dealing with those things, has led my immune system to follow. I'm mentally healthier so I'm physically healthier too.

In fact - a month or so ago, when I was struggling with mental balance, I noticed my body was off too. I'm more in tune with this correlation so it's easier for me to adjust my self care to bring back more balance to my body.

For whatever reason, even when we are speaking with experts who's job it is to manage our mental and physical health, we lie. We hold back vital information. We are embarrassed to tell these professionals the entire truth. And that's absurd. Do you really think your doctor and your therapist haven't heard it all? Better yet, how do you expect to get a proper diagnoses with steps to healing if you're not being truthful about what you're going through? I get it, we all fear judgment. But we are all in that same boat. And we all have some weird times in our lives. The good news? Legally, these people have to keep your quirky behavior private. Even better news? Sharing all of that information with a professional, that literally relieves a huge weight from your chest.

I've had so many things to address with my therapist that I think I have held back less out of embarrassment and more out of pure exhaustion. I leave sessions emotionally and physically drained. It's not an easy process to be totally exposed with a stranger. The work and the pressure is entirely on me. She acts as a guide to take me to places I might never have gone to before, but it's 100% my responsibility to do the homework and take the steps to recovering and being healthier in the future.

I can't sugarcoat this part of therapy and living with mental illness. It feels like I haven't slept, ran a marathon, and have 48,000 more assignments to complete before tomorrow. The feeling doesn't pass easily. It doesn't lead me to some moment of clarity where the world gets easier and I'm cured. It's a roller coaster and it always will be. But you do start to notice that things get a little easier. And that your mood becomes more even. Anxiety becomes just a smidge more manageable. It is a quicker recovery when I do have moments of panic.

What I can say is without committing to this complete openness, I wouldn't be able to sustain a healthy life. I would continue becoming sick. I would not live a normal life. I quite frankly would grow worse and worse unless I finally took a stand and said all in or all out.

I understand mental illness is diverse and its not easy. Every story is different. Some harder than others. Some of us don't cope well. It's not your fault that you have this burden to bear.

It is however on you to take responsibility for it and to do everything you can to overcome.

We are all born with (as I like to call them) extra features. They are the pieces that might not be the highlight reel of our stories, but they are nevertheless part of who we are.

You don't get a pass because you're suffering from something. We are all going through something.

I encourage you to figure out what concoction of medicine, therapy, activity, etc that works for you. It's your responsibility to get out there and figure out what your perfect cocktail is and mix it. Nobody ever promised an easy life. The good news is, if you're dealt a difficult card, you've got the opportunity to make it easier.

The choice is yours sequins! Are you going to make excuses or build the tools to succeed?

Excess Baggage

A lot of the stigma surrounding mental health deals with the baggage we carry because of the journey we are on. It's entirely possible that by sharing these parts of me, I'm causing some people to choose to not engage with me. People who don't understand mental illness often don't want to deal with the extra energy that it can take to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety or depression or bi polar disorder.

Honestly, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

I'm already a lot to deal with. I'm high energy, high expectations - I'm the definition of extra. My anxiety is the least of my concerns when it comes to what makes me a lot to invest in.

However, I can definitely see how suffering from a mental illness can make one self conscious when it comes to relationships. It is a little bit harder, a little bit more work to love someone who ebbs and flows. Who has unexplained anxiety. Irrational fears. Our stories are a bit more colorful.

I guess I look at it like this: my anxiety is a big part of who I am. While it does not control my life, it does accentuate it, and if someone doesn't get that part of me, they're not for me.

Certainly during times when I'm not managing my anxiety well I'm probably harder to love. For the most part, I'm actively engaged in managing my mental health and its not an issue. But my anxiety, the things that have happened to give me the anxiety, all of it makes me who I am. If you can't come to terms with embracing those pieces of me, you don't get to have the rest of me.

If you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from a mental illness, or you suffer from one yourself, the key to success is communication. Be open and transparent about what you are dealing with, what your triggers are, how you are working to manage, and how your partner can best support you.

What is never acceptable is to allow mental health to dictate the terms of your relationship. You cannot blame it for problems. You cannot use it as an excuse. And you cannot tolerate emotional or physical abuse because of it. These are always unacceptable.

Where you can accept it is when its a trigger or in a bad place. Understand that your partner is struggling and as long as they're working to control that, be a source of support. Continue to remind them they're wonderful and more than their mental illness. Encourage them to keep committed to treatment, whatever that looks like for them.

I get it, I come with extra baggage, but when you think about it, don't we all? I don't know a lot of people who come with a clean slate in a relationship. For some, it's trust issues. For others, it's insecurity. And for me, it's my anxiety. The point is, we all carry baggage. Mental illness just seems scarier because it's medical and has so much stigma surrounding it.

If I lose out on a partner because of it, that's the wrong partner for me. And if you lose out because of your baggage, that's not the right partner for you. We are all carrying around different size bags. It's about finding someone to help carry your bag for you. To me, a real partnership is sharing each other's bags and finding that it all evens out because of the teamwork we've committed to bring to the table.