Women don't owe you shit.

The Me Too movement has been around for quite some time. It peaked again in 2015/2016 and yet here we are - women being told they gotta do more to prove the things that happen to us.

When a woman is raped, it’s always “what was she wearing” “was she leading him on” “Was she drinking”? When women are abused it’s always “why didn’t she say something” “why didn’t she leave”? The initial reaction is to doubt her, her story, her character - the first reaction is to tear her down.

It’s bullshit.

Women don’t owe you shit.

We don’t report because it’s often a waste of our time. It takes incredible bravery, time and energy to report what happens to us. And most of the time, it’s all for nothing and leaves us having to survive a second battle.

This has got to stop.

Men need to speak up more. Believe women more. Protect and stand for women more.

Other women also need to advocate for other women. Support other women. Show up for other women.

But again, this is on men to help change. If you’re in a position of power, you need to be standing up when you see injustice against women.

Is a woman being interrupted in your meeting? Flip it back over to her. If a woman confides in you about abuse or rape - believe her. Listen to her and get her help.

When your favorite sports teams let’s a domestic abuser play, speak up. When a friend makes a rape joke, tell him it’s not acceptable.

Do more. Stop being a passive ally and start being an actual ally. Stop sitting back and start being an active part of the solution.

Women don’t owe you shit. We do enough. We are enough. It’s time the men stepped up and did the work to support us. We are there for everyone else.

Women in Sports

It’s 2021 and we are still doing this. We are still in a blind spot when it comes to so many aspects of women in sports. One of the biggest blind spots is how women are treated in the workplace by our colleagues, executives, fans, Twitter trolls — you get the point.

I spent the first 10 years of my carer in the sports industry. And I loved it. Sports have been such a huge part of my life and who I am, it was my dream to build a life in that world. I never thought I’d leave.

It also gave me some of my darkest days, most unhealthy lifestyle, and was the time I doubted myself the most. The worst job I ever had was in professional sports. It left me broken, physically ill, and destroyed my confidence.

I left sports in large part because the lifestyle was not sustainable for me. My passion for sports can exist outside of working in the industry. I am happier, healthier, better treated, make more money, and all around thriving in the tech industry and I am so grateful I was able to make that pivot.

What really gets me riled up every time a new asshole is exposed for sending lewd texts or harassing women in the work place is how shocked everyone acts. Even in the sports industry itself. Everyone is appalled. Teams vow this isn’t who they are. Men are put on leave, issue an apology written by a PR company. Organizations vow to commit to change. They hire a token female.

It’s bullshit. All of it.

Every woman in sports has a story. Probably many.

I knew going into the industry I’d be sexually harassed at some point. And I was. Many times. I brushed it off. I brushed it off for almost two years until I broke down and spoke up. I was fired the next day for not “fitting the values of the organization.”

I knew I’d have to work harder, wear higher heels, and learn to laugh at the crude humor. And I did. Over and over again I did.

I was also in a generally toxic situation working for a team that to this day is a fucking mess. The bullying and generalized mind games were actually worse than any sexual harassment I faced. And I realize how fucked up that is to say. To rank my experience by which type of harassment I’d face on the daily.

Think of the most stereotypical boys club and multiply that disgusting behavior by 100 and you’ve got what I went to the office to experience each day.

When I worked in college sports, it was much of the same. I had a boss physically prevent me from leaving the room. I had another charged with a federal crime that I legally can’t speak about. I was told to wear a low cut top to seal a deal.

These are all my experiences. And they’re vast. They’re my unique story as a woman in sports.

But they are far from the only story. And probably not even that shocking to other women in the industry.

Even within the ecosystems I worked, I know other women who experienced their own version of the ugly side of being a woman in sports. Most have left the industry entirely.

I didn’t speak a lot about the specifics of what I dealt with at the team I worked for. I spoke about surface level toxicity but nobody knows about a lot of the very real and deep issues I have as a result of that experience.

I’m loud. I speak up. I cause trouble. I am the person who goes to HR or to leadership when I see injustice. I will never not try to right a wrong. I will always be that person.

Because of that, I think it’s easy to ignore what I have to say about these things. You’ve heard it before. How could this happen to someone again? Is she just making trouble? She’s just being difficult. She’s so dramatic.

I don’t tell the full story because I know what’s it like to not be believed. To be told you’re overreacting. So I sucked it up and I dealt with it.

I think about that a lot when it comes to women in sports. When I see a woman who exposes something a man has done, I think about how much it took to get her to that point. I know that wasn’t the first incident. I wonder how scared she is. I fear for the repercussions. I worry about her being let go and losing one more woman in a male dominated industry. My heart breaks because I wonder if she will ever speak up again.

I think about the other women who feel strong enough to speak up because she tells her story. I worry about the support systems they have in place to help them through this. I fear for the reactions of her colleagues. I worry about how she’s running through every mistake she made in her mind, because surely it will be used against her. I pray that she’s strong enough to deal with what comes after.

Women are the strongest people on the planet. Women in sports have to show up and coat themselves in extreme strength every single day. And I hate that for us. I hate that we have to be strong.

We first have to fight to get into this world. Then we have to fight to be everything in that world. Pretty, smart, funny, one of the boys. And then we have to resist aging. We have to know ten times what a man does about the game. And we have to do it in heels, flawless makeup and perfectly coifed hair. We have to be breezy but serious but light and smiling. When the degrading comments happen, the innapropriate jokes tossed around, the accidental touching — we have to ignore all that and laugh with the men. We can’t make mistakes. We can’t show up less than 110%. There are no off days for women in sports. Not at the office, not in our personal lives, you are always on. Every second of our lives are fair game.

For me, the worst part was showing up everyday to a place I knew would not make me feel good. Where I was demeaned, belittled, degraded — sat in the room for the lewd jokes, the offhand comments and nobody stood up for me. Nobody said this is wrong we have to do better. Nobody spoke up for me.

Just because you don’t partake in the problem, it doesn’t make you innocent. It doesn’t make you a good guy just because you refrane from contributing to the conversation. Men need to make space for women in sports. They need to hold themselves to a higher standard and they need to say to their peers “this is not ok.” Sitting by and watching it happen, knowing its wrong but letting it go, we see that. I can promise you, we never forget that.

I left my career in professional sports over 5 years ago and one man, one, has reached out to me to apologize and truly compassionately express sadness for the things he saw me go through. 10 years of working in sports and one man has had an ounce of guts to speak up. He did not partake in any wrongdoing, but he’s the one who came to me to say you shouldn’t have had to deal with that.

The reporters and the media who sit here and feed into this shocked narrative, you are part of the problem. And every time you push that storyline, the women you work with see it. They hear it and they are making note of where you stand.

Show up for women. Don’t applaud the first female coach, referee, VP and then turn around and be ignorant to the plight to get there. Don’t claim to support women in sports and then sit quietly while the innapropriate jokes and text messages fly around the room.

Women show up every single day and do the absolute most in the sports industry. In an industry that quite frankly doesn’t want us.

Show up for women. We damn sure show up for everyone else.

Know Her Name

Before #MeToo began, there was the Brock Turner case. If you’re unfamiliar with this case, get familiar with it. This case impacted me greatly. And it’s a huge reason I chose to speak out about my own experience. Because we had not jumped into the #MeToo movement, there were a lot of really ignorant people yelling about drinking, blaming the survivor, not wanting to “ruin HIS life” - etc. Every bullshit excuse in the book for why this man actively chose to sexually assault this woman. Make no mistake, this man is a rapist and he deserves every punishment that comes with that.

Unfortunately, due to an incompetent judge, he was given such a light sentence that the judge was later voted out of office. This case also led to sentencing minimums. Perhaps the most powerful part of this entire horrific situation was the survivor’s impact statement.

To this day, the writing, the emotion, everything - it gives me chills. It breaks me down to tears because there are so many moments that I think a lot of sexual assault survivors can relate to. Not to mention how much you can feel her own emotions in every word.

Since 2016, we have not known her name. Rightfully she chose to remain anonymous to heal and to forgo having to deal with the vicious people who blamed her for ruining a “young man’s life.” But now, we know her name.

Chanel Miller.

Chanel has used her trauma to speak up for herself and others. She has written a book that is being released later this month that I cannot wait to read. I know it will be triggering but I want to support this strong woman in her willingness to speak up for not only herself but every woman who has gone through this.

There is nothing more powerful than refusing to let your own traumas determine how they will affect your life. The truth is, these traumatic events do not leave you. You do not wake up one day and forget about them. You heal by deciding to deal with how they made you feel physically and emotionally, and you refuse to let them ruin your life. I truly cannot imagine what this woman has endured. To deal with such a horrifying sexual assault to then have that splashed all over the media, I don’t know if I could do what she’s done.

But every single time a woman stands up for herself, she’s standing up for women everywhere. That means something. We have to continue to speak up, stand up and shake our fists when sexual assault is excused as just boys being boys or we blame alcohol or we blame women who choose to have multiple partners. It has to stop. The problem is and always has been - the culture of allowing sexual assault to take place.

I plan to continue being very loud for myself, for my friends, for women I’ve never met - for Chanel - because the safety of women matters. Respect for women and our bodies matters.

I used to think of myself as a victim of sexual assault. But I grew up, I grew educated and I grew strong. I am not a victim and I never will be. I am a survivor, and advocate and I am a force to be reckoned with.

Frozen

Earlier I wrote about getting my eggs frozen. Welp. I’ve finally done it. Those babies are on ice, literally.

I think the hardest part of the entire process is finding out how little I knew about my own reproductive system and how little women talk about these things despite how common the procedure is.

I am a college educated, informed woman. I am not shy about talking about my body with anyone, let alone a medical professional. And yet, I don’t think I knew just how a woman’s cycle truly works.

Now I am still not a doctor, so I think you should talk about the nitty gritty details with your own medical professional. Specifically because every woman’s body is different, having those conversations about your own process is really important.

If you’re thinking about freezing your eggs, the first thing you need to know is that it is not to be taken lightly. It is not a simple process. For one, its expensive. For another, it’s a lot for your body to deal with.

Ask questions. And then ask more. Do research. And then do more. Make an informed decision. And when you do, rinse and repeat.

My experience is unique to me. And yours will be unique to you. I aim to share mine because I was lucky enough to have one of my best friends go through it recently and without her, I would have been lost.

Ladies, share your story. Even with one friend. It matters. Empower other women to feel safe enough to make Informed decisions about their own bodies and future.

My Story

The Decision

I don’t know if I want children. I am currently not in that place with a partner to have that discussion. I do not want to worry about whether or not I can have kids right now. And my company pays for me to have this very expensive procedure. So that’s my why. I made this decision because there are a whole bunch of other decisions I don’t want to make right now.

The Financials

Do your due diligence on this. I knew that I had really good insurance and a very generous company. This procedure can regularly cost $15,000-$20,000+ per cycle without insurance. Most companies do not cover the medication, which can cost $5,000+ alone. Most fertility centers have financial counselors. They are worth talking to. Talk to your insurance company as well. Be armed with the facts on what your out of pocket costs are. I pay a max of 10% of the total cost, so I am very lucky. If I did not have that coverage, I would not have done this. Women have to pay a lot of money for our bodies. That’s a whole other issue that I became even more passionate about during this process (I smell another blog). Money matters unfortunately and just because you pay the $15-$20K, does not guarantee you will have viable eggs.

The Clinic

Cool, so I’m going to be honest here, I chose Stanford because it’s Stanford. If my insurance is going to cover this, I’m going to the best. I didn’t research the Doctors, the success rate, the Yelp reviews - none of it. My insurance counselor said I could afford Stanford so I went to Stanford. I highly suggest doing your research when it comes to where to go. Go somewhere with good reviews, success, and that works with your insurance. I found the first Doctor I met with didn’t have the best bedside manner, but she graduated top of her class at Stanford and went directly into the Stanford medical system so I didn’t care. I’m not a sensitive person, I wanted a doctor who was the best so that’s who I went with. I truly didn’t care that she told me I was old to be starting the process, that was confused when I said I didn’t know if I wanted to have kids - judge me any day, take my money, do the procedure safely and successfully and we are good. The point is - find what is important to you in a clinic and meet that criteria. Don’t settle. These people are literally holding your future in their hands. Please don’t skimp on this process.

The Support System

Whether you’re doing this alone or with a partner, you need a support system. I’m a bit of a lone wolf when it comes to the hard stuff. I think I can take anything and everything on myself. Thankfully, I have a tribe of humans who call bullshit and don’t allow me to do things alone. I relied on my closest friends and family and could not have been more grateful for their willingness to listen, put up with me, and allow me to be as transparent as possible. Even when I felt antisocial and depressed, my team showed up and refused to let me say leave me alone. The FaceTimes, sitting on my couch, texting to check in, it all kept me sane and mentally healthy. Do not do this without having people to talk to, to take you to your retrieval, and to attend appointments with you as necessary.

The First Appointment

So I was expecting my first appointment to be purely informational. I figured we would asses my situation, talk about how the process works and I would take some paperwork with me to noodle over. So you can imagine my shock when the Doctor asked me to head over to the ultrasound room, take off my pants, and get my feet in the stirrups. Yea, 15 minutes of talking and we were already shoving a giant wand up my prizes. Ok so pause here - because now you know this is what the first appointment is like. This is where I tell you to do your research in advance and bring a lot of questions to the first appointment. Any hesitations or concerns, past medical information, all current prescription details, family history - everything. You are paying these people a lot of money, ask the questions. Ok, back to the transvaginal ultrasound. It’s mildly uncomfortable but not painful. Honestly it’s more awkward than anything and you may experience some mild cramps. What they do is take images of your ovaries to see what in the world is going on in there. It lasts maybe 5 minutes. You’re in that room 10-15 minutes tops. Next, off to give a lot of blood. I believe this first round I gave 10 vials. Not enough to make you dizzy but it’s a good thing to know if you have a blood or needle phobia.

Ok now pause again!

Now I cannot remember if this came after the ultrasound and before the blood or what but at some point we chatted through all the requirements for going through with the procedure as well as talked about what you do with your eggs after, slash what happens if you never want to use them. And then you discuss the procedure process inclusive of the drugs and the feelings and the retrieval. It literally is so much information in a span of 15 minutes and then if you’re like me you get overwhelmed and leave.

Thats the first appointment. And if none of that flowed well for you, good, I made my point. Because the whole thing was a very intimidating exhausting blur for me too. I actually left that appointment more confused than when I went in and I was a little discouraged about the process as a whole. That’s a normal feeling. Ask freaking questions. These people provide you information and people to explain everything to you - use them.

After the First Appointment

My doctor called me after my bloodwork came back and she was able to review my scans. A little background, I’ve been on birth control since I was about 14/15 - pretty much up until 33. Really minimal breaks where I was not taking it. That does play a role in this process as it suppressed a lot of things (sincerely, don’t know the science words for all the things). Additionally, they found a cyst. And they also found that one of my ovaries was overachieving and had herself a lot of follicles but the other one, she was lazy. All of this made me ineligible to move forward with the procedure at that time. I still wanted to move forward and thankfully wasn’t in a rush. So the doc gave me instructions to stop my birth control and come back in 3 months to allow for the cyst to clear on its own.

Three Months Later

Hi, welcome back. It’s been three months. I went back in, had another wand shoved up my prizes, and gave all my blood to another person. At this appointment we discovered that my cyst was clear, my blood work came out strong, and my follicles had semi got their shit together. TL;DR - ready to party.

Now they hope to get up to 20 eggs at the retrieval. That’s gold standard. That’s what the goal is. But the average is about 12-14. And rarely but it does happen, no eggs are retrieved. If you’re below 10, that’s low. My doctor estimated given my situation and past with the birth control and history of cysts - I’d be middle of the road, possibly low end 8-12. First time in my life I can’t overachieve or work harder to be better. But 8-12 is better than zero.

Additionally just because they get all those eggs, it doesn’t mean they’re viable. Unclear what the viable part means. I guess viable to be fertilized. You can repeat the cycle again and try to retrieve more eggs. But it’s repeating the process, the money, all of it. Can you understand how stressful this must be for people who are using this as a last resort?

Oh. And they don’t know how many eggs until the procedure.

Good times right?

The Learning

Stanford makes its patients go through more of a learning process than I’ve heard other clinics do. I had to take about two hours of online courses (with tests) as well as attend an in person training in order to move forward. The online classes are videos that explain the process to you and then ask you pretty dang simple questions afterwards to make sure you paid attention. The videos very simply explain the entire process, statistics, and what to expect. The two hour class explains what to expect from doctors, techs, nurses, medications and then you learn more about side effects and how to give yourself injections. All very tedious but really valuable. To be honest, not all of it I paid attention to because I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Like I’m actively not looking to get pregnant. So I scrolled the gram during that part. Can’t help you with those pieces. My bad.

Lets Get this Show on the Road

WELCOME TO THE BIG SHOW! Jk, honestly after the class and the baseline ultrasound, you literally just wait for “Cycle Day 1.” Which if you’re me and sincerely didn’t know that’s what the first day of your period is called, you will ask people this question multiple times. But yes, you sit around and wait for your period to start and then when it does you call the doctor and you say MY PERIOD IS HERE! And they say Cycle day one? And then you say yea that. AND THEN IT STARTS!

So I forgot, when you confirm you’re going to do this whole thing, they send the prescriptions you need to a pharmacy. And they give you a calendar with no dates on it but it says “Cycle Day One” and Day 2 and so on up to Day 13 when is when surgery can possibly start. When you start your cycle and you call them with this joyous news, they update the calendar with real dates and send it back to you.

I should also mention that the medicine people will call you and you will pay them and they will send you a giant ice chest with one other box that contains all of your medications.

The Medicine

There are so many medications. And they’re confusing. But it’s all labeled on a sheet (hell yes I taped it on my fridge). I also set reminders on my phone for which medications to take, the amounts, and any other helpful facts and set it for the same time every day. Basically it’s critical to know what to take and when. Don’t fuck it up. It’s expensive and you are injecting yourself, know what you’re doing.

It’s also good to know that your body might have some allergic reactions at the injection site. This is really common and any hives or redness do disappear within an hour or two. The trigger shot actually gave me the longest rash that lasted about 48 hours.

The Procedure

They call the egg retrieval a surgery but I’ve had a lot of major surgery in my life and this wasn’t as daunting for me. They use a deep sleep anesthesia that acts the same as general but you breathe on your own. The procedure room is small and you have a doctor, an anesthesiologist, and two nurses in room. To be completely transparent the most stressful thing for me was having male nurses in the room. I fully understand male doctors and nurses are more than capable, but as a rape survivor, I am uncomfortable with men in the room when I’m unconscious. The nurse even noted my blood pressure was high and my pulse was racing but obviously it was a little late in the game to say anything so I went under and that’s the last I saw of them men. The surgery takes place in a procedure room at the clinic, so I wasn’t even in a hospital. I had wonderful people on my care team who made sure all my questions were asked and walked me through every step.

Immediately following the procedure you go into a recovery room and they truly only give you about 15 minutes before they send you on your way with your family member who is required to drive you home. I really didn’t like this part of the process. Your family cannot come back while you recover and it feels very rushed overall. I was still very loopy and confused when my mom and grandma put me in the car and got me into bed at home.

They do give you antibiotics and a pain killer through IV at the hospital but nothing other than Ibuprofen after that. The pain isn’t bad at all in my opinion. You’re more sore than anything. Overall I truly think this is actually even easier than getting your wisdom teeth pulled.

The Recovery

I find it incredibly wild that the directions for recovery are so different between medical professionals. I have a friend who was told to take a few days off whereas my doctor said if I wanted to go back the next day I could. I thought I could just roll back into work the next day but woke up that morning and decided against it. And I was really hard on myself for that. I thought I was being a pansy for needing more time. Truth is, you feel more bloated, sore, and moody AFTER surgery. They say about 4-6 days after surgery is when you feel the most pain. That’s frustrating too because everyone assumes - surgery is over - you’re back to normal right? WRONG. My pain hasn’t been horrible except for maybe one day. And nothing ibuprofen, a heat pack, and swearing won’t cure. Women are bad ass. But our healthcare system is not built to support the things our bodies go through. I have an incredible boss who let me know to do what I needed to do; but this is not common in America. It blows my mind they push you back into work so quickly after the things women put our bodies through.

Post Op

They tell you how many eggs you get the day of the procedure but realistically you don’t even know your own name or why you’re there so you don’t remember. The next day they call and tell you how many were viable and frozen. I had 11 eggs and was very lucky that 10 were viable and able to be frozen for future use. I was ecstatic with this. Because I had a bit of a lazy right ovary who refused to grow follicles, they aimed for me to get 12-15 but realistically thought I’d get 5-6. Most women they aim to get 20 but it depends on your age and ovarian health.

Questions

I’m going to try and answer a lot of the same questions I’ve been getting but I’m an open book. so please feel free to reach out.

Can you get pregnant after the procedure?

Yes. In fact at my age and all the way up to probably 36-38, they’ll ask me to try and conceive naturally before even dipping into my frozen eggs.

Do you still get your period after?

Yes. Your body goes back to normal about 10-14 days after the procedure.

Are there limitations on what you can do while going through this process?

Yes. You cannot workout starting at about day 3 of the process and then you are unable to have sex starting at day 8. They both continue to be off limits until 14 days after the procedure is complete.

Were you on a special diet?

No. But I lost my appetite for about 4 weeks. They do say to eat healthy during the process. And honestly you’re so bloated you don’t want to eat unhealthy and make it worse.

Are you going to do another round?

I’m not. I don’t know if I want kids so 10 eggs is enough for me to have on reserve.

Was it worth it?

Yes. It’s peace of mind to know I don’t have to make any decisions right now. I’m not worried about whether or not I want kids and I’m not worried about my age and fertility.

That’s it, that’s the tea of my process. Thank you for all of the love, well wishes and cheerleading y’all did for me throughout this whole journey. It has not been easy to be so transparent but to be supported on this thing has felt incredible. Again, open book, happy to answer any questions or concerns I can here. It’s not for everyone but I very much believe in a woman’s right to choose whatever journey is best for her and her body.

We're Waiting

I am so proud to see women everywhere speaking up. Women are demanding equality, refusing to be complacent with abuse, and we are not backing down. But the thing is, women are always speaking up. It’s just usually for everyone else. What I’d like to see is men speaking up for the women they love and receive so much support from.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet. We can do anything. And yet, we shouldn’t have to do everything.

I want to see men speak up. I’m waiting for men to say you shouldn’t have to do this alone.

When it comes to abortion, sexual assault, workplace equality - it takes two to tango. There are men involved and affected. Speak up.

Say my partner had an abortion and it was the best thing for me too. This girl I had a one night stand with got pregnant and she chose to have an abortion and I support her right to choose what to do with her body because SHE and ONLY she knows what is best for that body.

Tell us about a time you probably pressured someone into doing more than they intended to, and say I’m sorry, I was wrong. If you see someone groping a woman in a bar, stop it. At work, if a woman is being treated unfairly, say so. Don’t interrupt women in meetings. Ensure you have women at work and that those women have a voice.

Speak up.

And stop pretending it is scary to do so.

Nobody knows the right thing to say. ASK. Ask how you can be an ally. Ask what can I do if I see this happen and how can I best show that I am on your team and you matter.

Get involved.

Have open conversations with women around you. Listen to how they feel. Be willing to accept honest feedback regarding your own behaviors. Actively work to change any attitudes or actions that do not promote equality or safe environments for women.

Like any marginalized group, women need allies. We need brave men who are willing to be advocates for our journey. Just as POC need white people to say whoa fellow white people, we are a problem in these ways and here’s how I plan to be better - women need men to do the same.

Is it easy? Nope. But thank your privilege you have the ability to choose whether or not to speak up, we do not have that luxury. Acknowledge that privilege. And then get over it and get to work.

Do the women in your life matter? They should. They are human beings. Do the women in your world inspire you? They should, they’re changing the world. Do the future women in your life motivate you to be a better man? They should, they are our future.

Women are mothers and CEO’s and Doctors and teachers and caregivers and partners and world class athletes and friends and most importantly, human beings deserving of an equal shot at this life we are living.

Show them you not only believe that, but you’re willing to talk about it until it becomes a reality.

Speak Up

I am so obsessed with David Letterman’s Netflix show in which he interviews various prominent personalities in the world. I recently watched the episode with Ellen in which she so candidly spoke about her childhood trauma being sexually abused at the hands of her stepfather. The thing that stuck with me most was when she talked about women not having a voice.

So often we are made to feel small. We can’t speak up because we are too bossy. We must smile and offer opinions, but nothing too over the top. It’s okay to dismiss a romantic advancement but don’t be too pushy or you’re not that pretty anyways. Women are constantly taught to stay in our lane or be knocked off the track.

I’m a confident, very opinionated - woman. And yet there are still many times in which I have to stop and question when I should speak up. How much I should say. The tone I take. First and foremost for my own physical safety. But also because how I respond matters. It matters in relationships, at work, in public - how I use my voice is scrutinized in every setting simply because I am a woman.

Some people wonder why we are now having so many women speak up about sexual harassment and assault. They say we have to be making it up because how is this “all the sudden” happening everywhere we turn? Men are “afraid” to be around women at work and in bars because they “don’t want to be accused of being a bad guy.”

This stuff isn’t new. It’s been happening for hundreds of years. We just haven’t been able to use our voices to say stop. We have been belittled to the point of questioning whether or not we did make something a big deal. Maybe we were mistaken. Sure it was bad but I’m okay now so is it really that big of a deal? We talk ourselves out of feeling offended or taken advantage of or abused because we don’t get the voice that men do in life.

When people in the spotlight come forward, when everyday women use their voices to say no more, women collectively get to raise our voices. We get to all feel like it’s okay to speak a little louder. Turn up the volume on the representation.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, America was not built for women. Women are not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. And so society as we know it was not built to keep women in mind. We don’t get a voice according to the forefathers.

Women were not given a voice in the world. And so we started out silent. But we are finding our voices now. And I sure as hell hope we continue to turn the volume up.

This is America

I am ashamed, appalled, angry - I am every fiery feeling there could be towards the treatment of women in America. Guns are regulated less than my body. A rapist has more rights than I do when it comes to keeping me safe.

It’s 2019 and I am exhausted.

I’m exhausted from explaining to other people that as a human being, I am the only person who should have the right to decide what happens to my own body.

I am unable to form sentences anymore to explain why we need to teach men more about sexual assault.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet.

And yet we are the most regulated people in the world. Regulated by men who can never possibly understand anything about how we exist.

What I’d like to say about abortion is that no matter what law you make, abortion will occur. You cannot ban abortion. That is impossible. What you’re doing is compromising women’s healthcare and if you are “pro life (ridiculous term)” you are not supporting life when you oppose abortion. You are simply privileged enough that this does not affect you. No uterus? No opinion. Not one say in this except, your body, your choice. I would like to loudly, proudly, without caveat say that if I choose in my life to ever have an abortion, I will do so. Without shame, without hesitation, without remorse. And I will not allow anyone in my world to bully me because of that. You support me, or you are not in my life. End of story. What is best for my body and my life, will forever be what is my guiding light.

I’d like to say a little more about sexual assault because although I didn’t report it back then, I will not shut up about it now. The most basic rule of life is to keep your hands to yourselves. And yet we are in a time that there is every excuse in the book for men to blatantly refuse this rule. We blame the women. We blame beer. We put people in the highest office in the land and we shame the victim. It is unacceptable and it is inhumane. My rapist most likely does not consider what he did rape. He probably doesn’t think about it. Probably never did think about it as anything but a drunken night of sex with a cute girl in college. I wasn’t drunk. I remember and I think about it all of the time. I think about it when I am alone with a man I don’t know. I think about it the first time I am intimate with a man I do know. I think about it at work. I think about it in a crowd. I think about it when I cannot sleep. I think about it when I am unable to commit to a relationship with someone. I think about it when I tell people that I am a survivor. I never not think about it.

I am in therapy and yet I still consider myself a little bit broken, damaged packaging even because I am a survivor. For years, I called myself a victim. The thing is, had I reported 15 years ago, I am 100% confident my life would have been worse. I would have been put in the spotlight, forced to relive what I went through. Questioned, shamed for my sexual history. I don’t know if I could have survived that, I don’t know if I would have wanted to. I don’t know who would have believed me.

You think women are not capable of handling decisions around our own bodies? We certainly handle the decisions you force upon us every single day as survivors. I have been attacked at knife point, raped, harassed about the shape of my curves because I’m too sexual looking, hit by a boyfriend; and I am here. I am surviving, thriving, and I am fighting back. I am the ONLY person who can handle the decisions that come with the body I was born with.

The absolute bottom line here is that my body is my choice. At all times. And there is no law that should ever be able to compromise my rights to that body.

Women at Work

In a previous role, I experienced quite a bit of harassment. It was an old boys club through and through. Led by the most insecure and unprofessional manager I have ever had. I lasted about a year and a half before I finally spoke up and confided in another man in the company what I had been experiencing outside of the normal “bad boss” situations.

And you know what happened? He went directly to that manager and the next day, I was called in and they let me go. Sure - they knew they were in the wrong, so money was exchanged as a “severance” of sorts, but realistically, we all knew what it was.

Unfortunately - I think this is a commonplace in many industries. The behavior or men and the way women are treated is often excused. Women are told we are manufacturing these situations, overreacting, or blatantly lying. And I think even worse than the men who commit these acts are the men who watch it happen and say nothing.

I lost all respect for the man who had an opportunity to help right a wrong and instead chose to participate in making it worse. He is part of the problem.

More and more we talk about a see something say something mentality. I don’t think we are there yet. I’d love to believe we are, but I just don’t see enough men stepping up to say woah, this is wrong. And so the cycle continues. Especially in industries dominated by men.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in a room as the only woman and listened to men make inappropriate comments, gestures - and not one other man said anything.

You would think in today’s world, men would start to stand up. Especially because there are so many good men out there who believe in equality.

I watched the Dallas Mavericks allegations unfold and it gave me hope. The women who came forward are so brave. I wish I had done the same, but I didn’t.

Seeing more and more people take a stand against inequality and harassment in the workplace gives me so much hope for future generations. It’s exhausting to be a woman at work. We are paid less, hold less executive positions, and often receive less respect in general. Anything that we can do to start to say (and show) this won’t fly - we should be doing those things.

In my own way — when I’m working with vendors, I try to make sure I’m doing so with companies that are ethical. If I see a post on LinkedIn from a vendor that conveys a poor image or represents ignorance, I’ll make a mental note not to work with them. Because ethics in business matter to me.

At the end of the day you shouldn’t have two different identities - work and play. If you’re a sexist bigot at work, that’s who you are in life. The man who chose to handle my situation the way he did, he’s not a good person. You don’t get to excuse who you are at work as “just business.”

I believe women make up 51-53% of the population right now — so the more we speak up, the more you should too. If only to understand, there are more of us and we are angry. We won’t be silenced. Who run this?

Girls.

We all have a story.

More often than not, when I find the courage to say out loud that I am a survivor of sexual assault, there is at least one other woman who says me too.

We all have a story.

My story began in college. I was 18 years old. I never reported it. For over 10 years, I never talked about it.

But it happened. And ignoring it has caused a whole new set of complications.

Every story is different. I want to talk about mine because I wish that I had done so sooner. If only to find other women to help me understand I am not alone.

I'd like to tell my story differently in that I'm not going to tell you what happened. The physical act of what happened makes me cringe to this day. But the emotional consequences of sexual assault are what never leave you. They evolve but they do not ever go away.

The Assault

I vividly remember every second of what happened. It happened in a space I knew as one of the safest place I could be. With a man I considered a friend. I don't remember any pain. I don't remember feeling hurt. I do remember every beat of my heart. I remember feeling frozen. I remember being confused. And after it happened, I remember running to a friends dorm and nothing else. Not one other thing that happened that night. Nothing. I don't know what I said. I don't know if I slept there. I don't remember.

The Days Following

I chose not to report what happened for a myriad of reasons. Fear. Guilt. Shame. Anxiety. I didn't talk about it with anyone. I went to class. I went to practice. I went home. I don't remember being any different outwardly. I don't remember anyone asking me if I was okay. But I also don't remember feeling anything. It's so cliche, but I was numb. I don't remember.

Years Following

For a good number of years afterwards, I lost value for myself. I remember feeling worthless but acting out in a way that said I was the most confident woman on the planet. I hated my body. I hated my curves. I hated anything that felt sexual about who I was. I spent a lot of time trying to regain control of my body and my sexuality and said yes when a lot of times, I was screaming no inside. And now I don't remember any of those times.

Now

I feel an incredible guilt for not reporting what happened. I wonder if he's hurt other women. I wonder if that's my fault. I am ashamed that I am so vocal about women's rights and yet I said nothing, to anyone. Who am I to say tell your story, fight back? I didn't.

I see stories like Brock Turner and I feel angry. I read the victim statement and thought to myself, you are not alone. And you are so brave.

I feel fear. I don't like enclosed spaces. I am constantly on guard when I'm in a room full of men. In every situation, I have usually formulated a worst case scenario and a plan for how to escape. When I meet men, I wonder if they only see me for my body.

And I feel ashamed and frustrated because it's been over 10 years and I can't let it go. I can't NOT remember.

I'm shaking right now because I don't want my family to read this. I don't want men to see me as broken because of this.

The truth is, we all have a story. And that story, no matter how hard we try, it can define us for years to come. For me, this isn't the end. I get to write that ending because my story isn't just this one chapter.

If I can offer any advice to those of you who love survivors of assault, it's to love without judgment. Let your person come to you. Listen to whatever they choose to share with you and support them. There is no right way to survive. To survive is enough.

If you are a survivor, I am sorry you're part of this club. I am proud of you for surviving. However you choose to do that, I'm proud of you and I believe in your ability to be stronger because of it.

We all have a story. When do we finally make those stories about stopping the villain?

Quite frankly, women are shown that we don't matter because of how these assaults are handled. The rate in which they occur. We don't matter because men think its okay to grab us in bars. We don't matter because consent is grey. We don't matter because convicted rapists are given a slap on the wrist and a "he's a good guy though."

Our safety, comfort, space - they don't matter.

When we speak up, we have to prove it. We are called dramatic. We are asking for it.

The culture of sexual assault has gotten so out of control that we all have a story.

We all have a story because nobody speaks up. Nobody steps in and says stop. Nobody says I believe you and I'm so sorry. Nobody says this shouldn't have happened and we will fight for you. Nobody says actually that's not okay and there needs to be punishment. Nobody says this can't happen, let's stop it.

Not enough people have said sexual assault is happening and these women matter.

My story is now making sure that I matter. That you matter. And that the women who will face this in the future matter.

We all have a story. What's yours going to be?

How to be a Man Right Now

I've heard it said recently that its really hard to be a man in a world surrounded by #MeToo.  And to be completely honest with you, that's bullshit.  

What I will concede is that it is a very confusing time to be a guy.  So how do you react in a world where you feel intimidated by your every move?  How do you know what to say to the women around you speaking up?  

First and foremost, understand that staying silent is staying complacent with the status quo.  Women need your support and we need your voice to make a change.

But where do you start?

Understand this isn't About You

Women do not hate you.  We are not trying to emasculate you.  Women do not blame all men.  We do not think all men are horrible predators.  This isn't about you.  This is about the situational experiences of women each and every day in the most normal of circumstances and how we feel about the things that have happened, and continue to happen to us.  

Ask Questions

Talk to the women closest to you and understand what #MeToo means to them.  Engage in a conversation that affords you a safe space to ask questions and listen to honest responses.  Take the time to speak to a couple different women to get different perspectives about the movement.  There's no one story that embodies what's happening right now and unfortunately we all have a story.  

Speak Up

We need your voice.  We need you to say I am so sorry for what you've endured.  We need a commitment from you to hold your friends, colleagues, and yourself accountable for helping prevent these instances from occurring.  We need your voice to say I hear you, and I stand by you for speaking your truth.  That's it.  

Those are all lovely suggestions, but how do you put them into practice?

• See something, say something.  A work, at the bar, at dinner with friends.  When you see something that's not ok, speak up.  Tell someone.  Get help.  Stop watching it happen.
• Reflect.  Have you ever put anyone in a questionable situation?  Have any guilt or confusion?  Figure out where you may have crossed the line and be cognizant of that in the future.  
• Provide support to the women who mean the most to you.  Listen to them, offer resources for professional help.  Show you care and follow through.
• Educate yourself.  Google #TimesUp, read about #MeToo, do a little research through ACLU.  Pickup a book from a survivor, browse one of the many studies out there with science to support our concerns.
• Be an activist.  Attend a march, donate to one of the many foundations aiming to specifically create equal rights for women in the world.  Write your congressmen.  Vote for qualified women running for office.
• Get Socially Active.  I think even having the courage to say you see what's happening and you don't condone it, that you support those speaking up is huge.  It takes guts to put yourself out there publicly and we appreciate it.

It's only a terrible time to be a terrible guy.  Be a good guy, and its always a great time to be a guy.