I've taken 30 really seriously. It's as if the day I turned 30 I associated myself with being an adult responsible for the rest of the world. It's irrational, absurd, and absolutely my personality.
I often say "I can't do that, I'm 30." Or "I should be doing this, I'm 30." It makes no sense, I'm no more mature than I was at 29, but for some reason - its an age that resonates with me. I would like to share with you some of the things I think I can and cannot do now that I'm 30, because its funny - and laughter is my favorite.
- I can't go out two nights in a row and if we are going out tomorrow I need a nap first
- That kid is like 12
- Well I had wine at dinner so I need to stick with wine and can you get me some water to chug in between?
- Shots? You want to take shots? Why don't I just lay in the middle of the street instead and let a bunch of cars run me over.
- Why are all women wearing shorts that show their butts? Cover up your special parts mam.
- What's your healthcare package look like?
- My back hurts. My knees hurt. I think I pulled a hamstring walking up those stairs.
- How much fiber is in this?
- What kind of vitamins do you take?
- What does on fleek mean? Am I saying that right? Did I use it correctly?
- Why are these kids so loud? Turn your music down its 10:00.
- My entire body hurts from dancing at that wedding last night.
- Are we going to date or what? I don't have time to play coy and do that whole "talking thing."
- I'm an adult if I want to have wine for dinner I damn well can
- Day drinking is God's gift to 30 year olds. You drink during the day and go to sleep by 8. And then you wake up the next day hangover free
- Should I be married with kids by now? *Hears crying child* Never mind.
- When I was in college...
- Oh you don't want to file papers? You're 12, you just graduated college, earn your place child.
- I have heartburn
- Hey that guys cute - he's 18? Awesome, I'm a pedophile.
- It's midnight? I need to go home. I should be in bed.
- Going out is now going to dinner and going home
- Refuses to drink well or house anything
Let's all take a moment to remember the Ashley in her 20's. The woman who now seems like a judgmental cranky 90 year old and who used to go to Vegas every day, religiously participate in Sunday Funday, and who you've all watched puke and rally. May she rest in peace.