Flip the Switch

I’ve always talked about working really hard at balance. At not giving so much to work. At focusing on getting more out of life. I look back on blogs where I said I’ve changed and I really hadn’t. I still don’t think I have. But now more than ever, I feel like the switch in my brain that puts all the pressure on myself has flipped.

I have always been type A. I have always worked hard. I have never known how to half ass anything. And my take it east is often others’ 110%. I just don’t have an off switch.

A lot of that is I think fear of sitting still. It’s knowing that when I stop moving I hear that voice in my head when I stop that says “get back at it.” It’s the fear of knowing when I stop moving, I have to face the things that have contributed to my anxiety and PTSD. And that never felt possible to face.

I’m not sure whether it’s therapy, changing my circle, taking time to not date or always be talking to someone, or a combination of everything but it all feels a lot more possible to face.

Because I’m more aware of why I am the way I am, why I react the way I react, why I have the fears and feelings I do, I now feel more able to face them and make a change.

Oh, and this casual year three of a pandemic might have caused change too.

The switch still toggles, I wouldn’t say it’s completely flipped, but it’s well on it’s way.

I care less about titles and the grind. I don’t think working 24/7 makes me someone to admire. I don’t care as much about making sure I am the best at everything I do in the workplace. I realize my value is more than what I do and where I do it. I want to experience life outside of the office. I want to travel and spend time with the people who genuinely make me feel good. I value making time for my passion projects.

I think I burnt myself out on overachieving.

And to be honest, what have I really achieved that I place a lot of value on?

I’m exhausted. I care less about the things I’m doing at work. I care less about talking about what people do for a living.

And above all else, I have started to notice when I do prioritize work and the way I talk about careers. I started to notice that other people didn’t do these things. I started to see that I was missing out on relationships and events that are what make life full. And I realized how much I let work and my career define my entire mindset and mood.

I don’t want that anymore. I don’t value that anymore.

I will always work hard. I will always value my reputation. I will always want more out of everything that I do.

I think I’ll always be 110%. I just need to redistribute how and when to do so. I can’t be 110% all the time.

I hope that what you get out of this is that if you’re feeling exhausted and frustrated and ready for a change, you’re not alone. This time has caused a major shift for a lot of us.

Sit in it, marinate in it and let it force a change. If you are not getting the most out of life, you need to make changes. It doesn’t have to be all at once, but you have to make change.

Personally, this pandemic, this country in turmoil, it’s pushed me to the edge and made me want more . I’m not sure what that looks like long term, but I have started to finally, finally actively put boundaries in place and switch up my behavior at the office and in my personal life.

It’s been nothing but positive. So I’m going to keep going. I’m going to keep pushing myself completely out of my normal comfort zone until everything feels right again.

I hope you will too.

Boundary Buddies

I have a really hard time setting boundaries at work. I am a token overachiever, type A, OCD human and I find it almost impossible to detach from that. I can finally say that at this point in my life, I am unwilling to priotize work above all else. My personal time & life matters to me so much. Work doesn’t define me and I am not defined by my work.

Now that I’m starting a new job, I want to set expectations and bnoundaries in advance and avoid burning myself out. The only way I’ve determine that can be done is with the help of a boundary buddy. Or an accountability partner? Whatever term you use, I’m getting one.

My boundary buddy actually suggested this to me. She saw my anxiety over getting myself in another situation where I feel the need to prove myself and forget to set boundaries and she said you’re too old for this and it’s not happening this time around. We also deeply connect on a spiritual level and understand each other and whatb we want in life.

And thus the boundary buddy was born.

We have set biweekly check ins with each other to ensure that I’m sticking with my new plan. We also talk about things we both struggle with between work, love and life because that’s what buds do - they help each other.

For me — the focus right now is boundary setting.

Having someone checking in and calling me out on my actions is really important. It keeps me accountable and to be honest, I don’t want to let her down because she believes in me and a well rounded life.

I get that being a grown woman and having someone else keep me accountable seems a bit off. But I deeply struggle with boundaries and if I’m left to my own devices, no boundaries will be set. I need a coach and an accountability buddy to get me in the groove and on the right track.

The hope is that eventually I’ll be able to set boundaries and hold to them on my own.

Moral of the stroy today? Sometimes life is really hard. Sometimes we struggle greatly with aspects of it. Sometimes we need a little help.

That’s brave. And that’s progress. Saying I can’t do this on my own, please help me is the scariest and bravest thing I have ever done. The fact that I’m even at this point is something I attribute to a mix of therapy, medication and doing the damn work.

I am one independent babe, but needing help isn’t shameful, it’s recognizing that life is meant to be done in teams. And I want to be on a winning one.

The Guilt is Heavy

I am exhausted. I am anxious. My insomnia has been completely unmanageable. I’ve really struggled the past month and I feel guilty for that.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Gainfully employed. Incredible benefits. I’m generally healthy. I have a great support system. A safe home. I have every basic need and more during this time.

So I truly struggle with the idea that I can struggle during this time.

I know that’s unrealistic. Comparing traumas or hardships or feelings is not healthy and it isn’t helpful to downplay my own issues.

I think there’s a balance.

It’s ok to struggle but have an understanding that it could be worse. There’s no need to downplay your feelings or needs but there is something to be said for being grateful for what you do have.

I’m not talking toxic positivity. I’m talking perspective.

If 2020 has taught me anything its that I don’t need a whole lot of the things I thought I did. I want a lot of things but don’t truly need them.

So while my anxiety and stress and the things I’m going through this year are very real and very valid, I can take solace in the fact that my life is pretty damn good.

It’s a weird year. And it doesn’t end just because the clock strikes 12 on December 31st.

Give yourself grace to struggle and persevere. Give yourself time to just sit in whatever moment you need to. And without engaging in toxic positivity, gain a little perspective and know that being grateful helps any situation.

Milestones

I wanted to elaborate on milestones. As I mentioned last week, I’ve spent the last five yeas really reevaluating what life expectations actually align with what I want out of my time here.

Society does a lot to remind us that life is supposed to be an organized list of accomplishments.

You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you buy a house, you have some kids, you retire, you die. That’s the list and everything is required in a certain time frame or your society fairy will fine you and report you to the police. And then you will go to prison and die. These are the rules.

So like a lot of us who grew up with parents who did these things, I had these expectations for myself.

And then when I didn’t check these boxes in the time frame society told me to, I started to panic.

My society fairy would show up at 24 and tell me hey babe your friends from college are actually making 6 figures in the city and you’re making $32K and can’t afford top ramen most days.

At 26 she tapped me on the shoulder and said hey gorg, know that you’ve got a whole roster of men folk (love that for you) but you should have picked and married one by now. Meanwhile it’s Sunday at 9am and you’re grabbing your shoes from this guys floor and your cousin is picking you up because you left your car at the bar (we didn’t have uber then you little Gen z babies, the walk of shame was a true experience).

At 30 the bitch straight up called and said ok we have a problem. You’e 30, unmarried, not a millionaire and everyone else is on a private jet to Mykonos but you’re drunk at the Grand Canyon.

And now in a few months, at 35, my society fairy is going to bring a committee of society fairies to stage an intervention. 35 and gasp unmarried? NO children? You’re not a homeowner counting your big fat 401k from your Tesla SUV? HOW DARE YOU! The audacity.

But alas my friends, it is true. I’m going to be all of these things and more.

And I’d like to say to my society fairy and her panel of drag judges — we love it here.

Society has told me to do all the things and I truly thought I wanted and needed those things to live a complete and happy life. Without them surely I would be a failure and miserable human being. A curse upon my soul. A pox upon my overpriced apartment.

I’d like to let you in on a little secret — I’m neither of those things.

I am thriving. Some days sure, I don’t wash my hair, I wear dirty clothes, I spend all day eating cheese an chocolate and I don’t speak to other humans.

I like those parts of my life.

I like the life I have built and the experience I’m having here on Earth.

I am open to marriage most days, consider having kids about 1 day a month, and I do plan to buy a house soon. Maybe 2.

I also think that if you know me, the me that is authentically myself, it makes perfect sense to you that my wild spirit would never follow the rules of society. She’s too stubborn for that.

It makes no sense to me to think I would have been married in my 20’s when I was having the time of my life while simultaneously trying to be everything to everyone except myself.

It is unimaginable that I would trade the bucket list experiences I had in sports for a high powered city job and six figures.

When my society fairy taps me on the back these days, I tell her calm down babe, I’ll get to it. Or I won’t, I haven’t decided yet. But text me later k?

The whole point is that I am now in control. Or out of control? And I am more easily able to sit in uncomfortable feelings of falling behind and say is this a society fairy shoulder tap or how you’re really feeling? And if the answer is an authentic yearning for something, I go out there and make space for that thing in my life.

Milestones are incredible. They help create a full life. But are the milestones you have on your list ones that you have created or ones your society fairy has brought to you to fulfill?

Marinate in whatever space your society fairy sticks you in, but don’t stay there long. Hear the girl out, but don’t blindly follow her lead.

Build a life full of milestones that meet your expectations, make you proud, and make your journey feel full. That’s a life of milestones that matters.

Fake Adult

I’m about to be 35 in a couple months.

When I was 16, 35 to me was the time in which I would be married, have 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a bitchin car in the driveway.

My 35 doesn’t look like that.

Having spent the last 5 years redefining what I thought my future was supposed to be has been a journey. It’s been a whole lot of unlearning societal expectations, struggling with those milestones not reached, and realizing that a lot of the things I thought I wanted were in fact just things I thought we did as adults.

And now, as I come upon an age that seemed about 1,000 yeas away, I feel like a fake adult.

I’m doing all the things society tells you to do when it comes to being an adult. I have a great job, I’m paying my bills, I’m not committing wild crimes. I generally make it through the day without any trouble.

All the things on paper, I’m out here doing them.

Internally though, I feel 25. I feel like there’s so many of the things I’m not checking off. I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor any real desire right now to have any), I don’t own a house. Did buy myself the bitchin new car though.

All in all, you’d look at me and say yes queen, adult away, B+ on Wednesdays but all other days you’re easily an A- or better. Keep up the good work and check back in at 36.

I would be lying if I didn’t say the society fairy doesn’t check in with me once in awhile to be like hey girl, just wanted to point out that we generally expect xy and z at this age so you’re late and we want you to know we sent a memo to everyone else in the world letting them know.

When that society fairy comes through I do allow her to sit there a little longer than I should. I do let her poke me with doubts and sometimes I even let her toss me down a spiral of shame and fear.

Yet most days, most days I think to myself, maybe we are all just fake adults.

Maybe the woman living the life I thought I was supposed to at 35 is sitting here thinking she’s fake adulting because she doesn’t have it all together like she thought she would.

Maybe the high powered career babe is thinking shes a fake adult because everyday she doubts herself and how she got to where she did.

Maybe the single Sex & the City Samantha babe living her NYC dream also feels like a fake because she’s thriving in her womanhood but doesn’t know how to turn on the stove in her penthouse.

I sort of think maybe we are all fake adults who spend each day just trying to make it out alive. I believe that society puts all these rules and expectations and marketing and says ok you guys, go out there and be this adult today! And then next week, you also have to do it while running a marathon and writing a novel! And if you don’t do it all, you’ve failed and we will send your society fairy to remind you.

So yea, maybe I am a fake adult because I don’t have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs. Maybe some days I have cheese for dinner. Maybe some weeks I wear the same shorts 5 days in a row. Maybe I spend too much time watching teen romantic comedies and swooning while also judging the characters for not being badass enough. And maybe at the end of the day, I still pay all my bills, feed my dog, do the laundry, create meaningful relationships, exercise, and laugh.

And just maybe, that’s what being an adult is anyways. It’s faking it until you make it. And maybe, we are all just a whole bunch of fake adults smiling at each other when we are really thinking “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either.” And maybe we should just say that to each other more.

The Measure of Success

Growing up I always associated success with winning. Being the best. Having the most. I thought success was titles and money and being a champion.

I realized the other day just how much my measure of success has changed.

Money matters to me. I like having a comfortable life. I like upgraded amenities and the ability to travel whenever I want.

I like titles. I love the reward that comes with working hard and being promoted. I enjoy the respect that comes with getting to the next level.

I also don’t need those things to consider myself a success. I don’t need them in excess to show that I have made something of myself.

I think I’ve survived a lot of adversity. The fact that I’ve chosen to commit to overcoming that makes me a success.

That I’ve worked my ass off and now work at one of the world’s most recognizable companies is a success. I never gave up and I never settled.

Success to me is emotional health. It’s financial comfort. It’s mental wellness. Success is love for myself.

Success of my past was entirely related to my career. It was climbing the ladder and never stopping.

Success of my future is joy. It’s confidence. It’s love. I

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t also driven by my career, but it is not the whole sum of what success looks like.

What does success look like for you?

Maybe Not.

Throughout my egg freezing process, a lot of people couldn’t really comprehend that I am not sure if I want kids. I got a lot of “you’ll change your mind” and “It’s just because you’re single.” It seems to bother women a lot that I may not want to reproduce. Or it feels unbelievable for them.

I don’t know if I want kids. I’m actually leaning more towards not wanting them after freezing my eggs.

And that’s ok. It’s more than ok because it’s my body, my life and my very personal choice.

I’m not sure what it is that makes women not understand that not everyone is born to reproduce or feels that need to have children but it’s such a weird thing for women to accept in another woman.

I love my life. I love that I can travel. I love that I can spend my money and my time on me. And that I can prioritize me. I’m really selfish with my life right now. Bringing a child into that would mean I don’t get to live that way anymore.

For a lot of women, having kids has always been a dream. They want to be moms more than anything in the world, and I think that’s wonderful. One of my very best friends has wanted to be a mom since we came out the womb herself and watching her make that happen - that makes my heart so happy.

The thing is - I like kids. Kids like me. We do really well together. I love to spoiled my friends kids, a lot. And I genuinely enjoy the overload of pictures (yea so I demand to be in the family album on iPhone!) and stories. I absolutely want you to tell me how smart your kid is because fuck yea we are raising this kid to be the next President. I am your community to do that. But I like that I can give them back at the end of the day and get back to my selfish life.

Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll have 4 kids and adopt 32 more. Maybe I’ll never have any.

Kids and the responsibility that come with them, that’s a big deal. That’s a lot of responsibility and something I want to be damn sure all in for before I start growing one. So instead of challenging the idea that a woman may not want a kid, brushing it off ass nonsense - be thankful that she isn’t out there reproducing because it’s “what you’re supposed to do.” My parents damn sure wanted me (they might was a refund now) and thank the glitter gods they did because kids ain’t easy.

I don’t know if I want kids, and it really isn’t your business to tell me otherwise.

I have a lot of opinions.

This is not surprising, but I have a lot of opinions. Last weeks blog led me to dive a little deeper into the topic and I got to thinking about having a lot of opinions.

Like a lot. And I have not one problem sharing those opinions.

As I’ve gotten older though, I’ve learned that not everything requires me to have an opinion.

And it has changed my life.

Having anxiety means that little things that normally would not bother most people, sit with me for a long time. It’s part of the need to control my world and part of the high standards I hold for myself but for people with anxiety, it’s a daily battle not to internalize and overthink everything.

The odd thing about having a lot of opinions is that I’m actually one of the least judgmental people in the world. I’m the person you want to come to when you’ve done some embarrassing things because I will not judge. But if you come to me for advice, if you are someone important to me, I will become deeply invested in your story.

Which is what I found has led me to care too much about things and let them cause me stress when they don’t need to.

For example - if a friend comes to me for relationship advice and over and over does the things I have said not to do. I’m going to feel that deeply. It will frustrate me to no end that the person continues to do the thing that is causing them the problem.

If a friend complains constantly about a job they don’t enjoy, but lacks the initiative to make a change, that will make me bonkers.

And that’s on me.

What I’ve worked on lately is understanding that people are what they are, they’re going to do what they’re going to do and they will do it in their own time - and that has nothing to do with me.

The only thing I can control is me. The only think I should do for these people is be there for them. Give them honest advice, and then go about my day.

You have to save your give a fuck’s for the big things. The things that matter. If you waste all your fuck’s on the little things, you will self destruct.

So here’s what I do. When I’m overwhelmed or my inner anxiety monster starts to get wild about something someone else is doing in their life - I say to her - you know what, that’s not how I would live my life, but I respect how they live theirs.

And ain’t that the realest thing you could ever tell yourself?

Truth is, unless we are living someone else’s life, we don’t know what we would do. There’s a whole series of events and experiences that shape what each of us does. Not agreeing with another person’s choices doesn’t change them.

I care very deeply about the people that are important to me. I will always be this overly opinionated human being who just wants her tribe to have the best in the world. Yet that also means being my best self for them. Which means learning how to step back, listen, and not push my opinions on them. It also means not causing myself undue stress because I cannot control their actions.

It’s ok to have opinions. It’s ok to feel deeply invested in your people. It is not ok to create an unhealthy mindset because of those things.

We have enough to manage in our own lives, focus on how you can be your best self and the rest will follow.

You and Only You

Stop expecting you from other people.

I say this to myself about 100 times a day. I sincerely struggle with the fact that not everyone at work and in life meets my effort, sincerity, and compassion.

I work really hard, I care a lot about being aware of others, I care a lot in general. I sit here and I’m like I don’t give any fucks, but I do, I give all of them.

Truth is, not everyone else does. Some people are OK existing in a status quo. They are less aware of what others think and feel. And that makes me insane.

But I can’t change it.

There really is nothing wrong with people who exist in a level of bare minimum. It’s not actively rude or bad, but to those of us who exist in the consistent level of striving for excellence; it is the absolute worst.

Learning to remind myself that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect ME in other people is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I actively struggle with this every single day, all day long. It has caused me heartache, hurt feelings, and misplaced anger because I really do not comprehend that other people do not share my values.

I know I’m not the only person who struggles with this idea that the way we are is not a standard expectation in society. People are not required to exist on that next level.

So how do you stop yourself from going crazy?

First, you have to remind yourself to set realistic expectations when interacting with the everyday human. You’re going to have to do this a lot throughout the day. And realize this isn’t about you. How others choose to live, is their own choice. It is not about you.

Second, you have a responsibility to be up front about your needs when it comes to your personal relationships. With a partner, friend, or family member - let them know what matters to you in a relationship. If you need them to commit more, say so. But realize that you may lose people in your life because they cannot match your efforts. Figure out what matters more, keeping them in your life or having them meet your expectations. Because they are not required to meet those expectations, it is not wrong for them not to.

Lastly - I think at work it’s worth singling out that you only need to worry about you. Not everyone is an overachiever. Stay in your lane. If it isn’t affecting your ability to do your job, it’s not your business. By nature, I want to take on more, grow, and push the limits of being the best. I have absolutely allowed the fact that others don’t do the same to frustrate me. I’ve allowed myself to get involved in things that aren’t my business. And now I’m actively removing myself from those equations. Because that’s on me.

My greatest weakness is that I do not fully comprehend not everyone is me. What I need to do is realize that my superpower is that nobody else is me.

Whatever is your biggest flaw can become your biggest asset. It’s all about how you choose to harness it. For years I let my expectations of others cripple me but now I use it to help me grow.

Have expectations, but don’t let them define your life. Expect the best but don’t be broken by the worst. Hold others to a higher standard, but don’t dictate the standards they choose for themselves.

You - and only you - are responsible for what you give and get out of life. Act accordingly.

Life is a team sport

Everything in life relates back to sports. Nothing makes me more sure of that than experiencing the overwhelming support from friends, family, colleagues - even acquaintances as I’ve been open about my life journey.

And nothing has been made more clear to me than the idea that life is a team sport. You cannot get through life without a team.

Yet in America, we are very much living under leadership that tries to show us it is every white man for himself. What has thankfully come from that is a large group of people who refuse to be anything but compassionate for others. That’s where I’m currently moving each and every day.

The older I get, the more I see our country promote hate and divisiveness, the more I want to be patient, loving, caring, and engaged in life as a teammate.

What does it mean to be a good teammate in life?

Look, I cannot teach you how to care about other people. We shouldn’t have to show you a bunch of graphs and evidence as to why you should care. There is no help for the people who do not understand caring about other human beings matters.

This is for the people who care.

Being a good teammate is leading from a place of compassion. It’s thinking about life as an ecosystem that requires diverse entities in order to survive and thrive.

It means not operating from a place of greed. It means knowing you can have it all and more, so maybe helping someone else with the more that I have would be a really great thing to do.

It’s giving support to people who might need it more than you.

It’s saying I don’t know your struggle but I support you in going through it and being brave enough to share it.

It is acknowledging that we are all different, yet all equal in our value as a human life.

For me, it’s finding more patience and less judgement for others. It’s listening to their stories, hopes, dreams, and fears and simply saying I hear you. And it’s finding a way to help whenever I have the capacity to do so. It’s admitting I am privileged and while I don’t owe anyone anything because of that, I have the opportunity to be an ally for those who do not share my privilege.

I challenge you to figure out what you can do to be a better teammate in the world and work towards that. We can’t all make it if we don’t work as a team. Life ain’t fair, that ain’t your fault, but it ain’t worth the ugliness to pretend it’s every man for himself.

Look, maybe it isn’t important to you to be a good human. Maybe you don’t think helping others is a priority. That’s between you, yourself and your maker.

All I’m saying is, being on a team works for everyone. It’s the best way to leave people and this Earth a better place.