Validation

The only validation I ever thought I needed in life was parking. Athletes are trained to work hard and stay humble. Validation is braggadocios and everything is earned as a team.

I struggle with compliments and credit. Traditionally if you tell me I did something great, I’m going to point to 3 other people who helped to make it happen. Awards are great when they’re based on tangible achievements like 1st place, but I’m still going to thank my coaches, trainers, and teammates for getting me there.

This has been my norm. Forever. And while I think that is lovely and serves a very important purpose, I’ve realized that there are times I should have said thank you, I did achieve this thing and I did it because I worked hard. Yes, this was my idea and it was a good one.

I also never realized how much I needed to hear validation.

Recently, I have had a few friends come forward to thank me for things that I have spent years accepting about myself. Things others like to belittle and criticize me for.

And I didn’t realize how incredible that felt. To be seen, heard, and just appreciated for things that I deeply value as part of who I am.

People that are comfortable in their own skin, who are loud, opinionated, and come off as confident and secure are the people others forget to validate.

Sure, I have often been complimented on things like my athletic ability and my physical appearance but rarely do I hear praise for who I am. In fact, more often than not, because I am perceived as strong, people feel more comfortable criticizing me than they do complimenting me.

I’m well aware that has to do with their own insecurities. If I wasn't strong,I wouldn’t be able to go through life the way I have. To achieve the things that I have and will continue to achieve. Yet does being strong mean you aren’t deserving of validation? It doesn’t.

Quite frankly, I’ve had a little pep in my sparkly step since these wonderful humans took the time out of nowhere to tell me these wonderful things. It felt really good to know people I love have such praise for me. It made me realize, I need to continue to work to be open about the things I’ve been more open about lately. I think making myself more vulnerable has allowed others to see I am just as human as the next babe.

I may be strong. I may use humor to make light of everything. But I am still just figuring life out like everyone else. That means I’m not only in need of validation, I’m now expecting it once in awhile.

I hope that if you are like me, you too learn that there is nothing wrong with being the friend who will always be OK; but that doesn’t mean your people don’t have to tell you that you matter. That your particular quirks and attributes are to be celebrated and they love you for them.

Next time you get that coveted parking validation, don’t forget to get your self validation stamped too babe!

Frozen

I struggled a lot with whether or not I wanted to write this piece. It’s incredibly personal and life changing to have or not have children. As a woman, there is a lot of societal pressure to have children, be a mom, honestly, be it all. And growing up, it was assumed I’d get married, have the 2.5 kids and do the whole traditional family experience. The older I get, the more my dream of the future changes. I’m 33 now, I’ve sort of got to make that decision fairly soon when it comes to pregnancy. Right now, I do not have the answer. So I’m freezing my eggs.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to write this was because it puts my personal decision very out there. This is an easily searchable blog for men I date, have dated, who know me and have considered me a potential partner. To not know what I want, to potentially not want children, that could limit my dating pool. But I’ve got to be true to myself above all else, and my truth is, I don’t know.

I’m really good with kids. I enjoy time with kids in doses. I’m just really unsure if I’m willing to give up my independence to raise my own. I also really don’t know if pregnancy is an experience I want to have. If I do end up wanting kids, maybe I’ll adopt. It’s about a billion thoughts, decisions and truly personal things that I’m considering when it comes to my reproductive future. Really, my future life in general.

I wanted to talk about this because I’m sick of everyone telling me how great I am with kids. How when I meet the right person I’ll feel different. How I’ll change my mind. Maybe I will, but maybe I won’t. The thing is, bearing a child does not make me a woman. It does not make me whole. Choosing not to have children, that doesn’t make me less of a woman. It does not mean I cannot have it all. My all may look really different from your all. I’m sick of the conversations for women revolving around our relationships and child rearing status.

I simply don’t know if I want to have kids. All that says about me is that I’m actively engaged in thinking about my future in a responsible and healthy way. And I don’t give a damn what you have to think, say, or feel about that decision.