Character Development

Growing up I developed a need to be a people pleaser. I worked hard not for myself, but because I felt it was the character I was supposed to play.

Top athlete. Good student. Beauty queen. I had to be the best at everything. I never considered if these things were important to me, I only cared that I succeeded at them and they made people approve of me.

That worked for me for a really long time. I was successful and had the approval of those around me.

But now that I’m in my late 30’s, those things aren’t what makes me happy. I don’t feel my value is based upon my bofy, beauty or what I achieve at work. They’re great things to have, but they don’t make me feel valueable.

They also haven’t been what makes me happy.

I value being a good person, laughet, good peoplel travel, feeling safe and supported and healthy. That’s it.

I will always work hard, I will always value being conventionally beautiful (hello, women of the world) and yea, it feels good to be a boss at work - but those things don’t equal automatic joy.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not feeling good enough, successful enough, attractive enough - but the common theme is that I don’t know what any of that means for me. I only know what those things mean from the standpoint of people who showed me the values of those things. My view on what equals success or where those things fit in my value set never came into account.

So that’s what I’m trying to learn. What matters to me, who I am indepedent of what others think I should be and how I want to develop moving forward.

I had always thought of myself as fiercely indepedenent and vocal - and I am - but I am also quick to pull myself back into line to meet the expectations of others. I have genuinely valued being liked over being true to myself.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

So at 37, I’m not entirely sure all of who I am. I am working hard weekly to figure it out. And while I have a lot of work to do, I’ve also done a lot of work.

I like this me. I like the version of me that doesn’t need to be the best. I like the version of me who steps away from people who gaslight me into feeling bad about being who I really am. I love the version of me who speaks up unapolagetically about the things that matter and sits with being called loud, bossy, bitchy and difficult. Who doesn’t backtrack and smooth the road. I love the me that demands better of myself and others. I love the me that I’m evolving into.

I know I’ll have setbacks, but for the very first time I genuinely feel like I’m not just saying I have grown, I truly am growing and learning to be the real me that’s authentic and flawed and quick to sit in a situation and figure out what I feel rather than what I should feel.

I hope if you’re struggling, you keep doing the work. Whether you’re 22, 32, 62 - there’s alwaus time to figure out who you are and prioritize your own joy. To succeed on your own terms. To find pride in your own existence because you’re true to your values and joy.

Playing a character is exhausting and note remotely fullfilling. Your authentic self is who you owe to the world. If not everyone likes that person — good — it means you’re doing something rignt. Keep going.

Unbreakable

If you’re new here, you might not know that I have not always been this loud nor confident. Growing up in a conservative, white, wealthy town meant that I didn’t really grow into my own self — and love who that is until my 30’s.

I bought into needing the good grades, being the star athlete, beauty queen and everything in between. I had moments where my voice came through and my wild ways popped up, but comparative to who I am now, I don’t know that girl.

At 35, I am unbreakable. I know what I stand for, I know who I am and I’m confident that person fucking rocks.

I’ve survived the things I was sure would break me. I’ve percevered when I hit rock bottom in my career. I’ve navigated foreign countries without speaking the language. And I’ve done it all with great hair.

It took me a really long time to get to this point. And at times, my confidence falters. When it does, I remind myself what a bad ass I actually am.

In a year when we’ve all been deeply tested, I hope that you take the time to remind yourself you’re pretty amazing too.

Write these things down. Have them nearby so that when you start to doubt yourself, you can easily look to examples of just how unbreakable you are.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all of the things we’ve been enduring lately. And it makes me want to tell people more how strong and wonderful they are.

To thank others who have been there to keep me believing in me when it felt like I was alone.

And then to ultimately come back to me, and remind myself — that I might shake, I might crack, but I will forever be unbreakable.

180

Growing up, I did all the things you’re supposed to do. I excelled at school, sports, went to college and got a job. I have spent years upon years grinding to grow my career. I’ve worked overtime, weekends, existed on little sleep and I did it with little complaint. I bought into this idea that you have to work work work to make life great.

Yea, this is another 2020 taught me some shit post.

2020 changed my view on work. I no longer buy into this culture of grind til you fall. This five day work week that runs our lives.

I don’t actually know all the history around the five day work week but I believe it had to do with religious days of rest, agrictulure, and a lot of things that quite frankly are outdated. The Fast Company recently wrote a piece on just how outdated this practice is.

My major gripe with the five day work week is that 2020 showed us that while we work to keep the exonomy running, when everything hit the fan, our government wasn’t here to help us. In fact our government and all the systems we pay into, work so hard to keep running and use as our guiding force - let us all the way down.

And that isn’t going to change. Sure, Biden needs some more time to get into the trenches of things, but if he has time to bomb Syria, he has time to help Americans.

Our government and the system it built does not work for us.

I get it, I’ve got to pay taxes and I need to show up at work everyday. I’m not about to go full anarchy and wind up in jail or losing my well paying job that I genuinely enjoy.

But I am going to set boundaries. I have been in fact. I am going to place more value on my personal life than I do overtime, weekend work and giving up the best years of my life.

2020 showed me that things like time with friends and family, investing in my health and wellness, those are the things I really value.

If you know me well, this is all really shocking. I had always pushed to grow in my career and “be somebody.” What I’ve realized is I am somebody, independent of what I do. In fact, I respect myself more as this person who isn’t defined by where she works, how much she works and what her title is.

I’ll always be an overachiever. But what I overachieve in has shifted. I want to live the best life I can. See all the places on my bucket list. I want to invest in the people who mean so much to me. And I don’t want to live my days stuck behind a desk.

Maybe one day that means starting my own company. Maybe it means something I haven’t even thought of yet. But it does mean, I am no longer what I do, where I do it and I am no longer impressed by the people who are only work.

I hope one day as Americans we learn the value of a full life. I hope we learn that poverty doesn’t need to exist here. I hope we finally get rid of these lifetime politicans who are corrupt, out of touch and trash human beings. I hope that we can finally live up to the greatness this country has so long claimed to be.

But for now, I’m going to do what I can to focus on making my life full, happy, and healthy - completely separate from work.

Love Thyself

Valentine’s Day is upon us and although I really don’t talk much about my relationship status, I do love to talk about my love for myself! So this Valentine’s Day I want to celebrate loving yourself!

The greatest relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself — celebrate that and get yourself a gift this Valentine’s Day! Whether you can afford an actual gift or just a night in to yourself, here are some amazing ways to love thyself for every budget!

Spa Day

Spend: Book a whole day at a spa! Schedule a massage, facial, the works! While you’rethere, make use of the sauna and any meditation or yoga classes offered! High end spas have some very safe protocols in place!

Save: Create a spa at home! Light a candle,turn on some music, take a bubble bath and do a face mask! While you’re at it, paint those nails and exfoliate that skin!

Decadent Meal

Spend: Make a reservation at a restaurant you’ve always wanted to splurge on, and go ahead and order dessert (outdoors only please!).

Save: Either order in some takeout from a local restaurant (bonus points for supporting local!) or cook a meal at home. There’s plenty of good wine for under $15 to enjoy while you dine!

Shopping Spree

Spend: Had your eye on that gorgeous coat? BUY IT! Wanted those expensive boots but couldn’t justify the cost? Time to hit purchase! Get yourself something you’ve really wanted, you deserve it!

Save: Hit up a local thrift store! The thrill of the hunt is so much fun and bonus points, it’s great for the environment!

Fitness Fun

Spend: Pay for a private lesson to the studio you fell in love with. It’s a great way to take your workout to the next level and get some 1:1 adjustments to make future workouts better!

Save: Take an online class or get outside and enjoy a hike in nature. There are so many ways to enjoy classes without paying the private price tag. You could also sign up for the first class free pass at that fancy studio around the corner!

Flower Delivery

Spend: Call up the local florist and treat yourself to a monthly delivery. Setup 6 months of a monthly boquet to have something pretty to look forward to.

Save: Hit up Trader Joes and spend $20 on florals. Take them home and watch a YouTube video on floral arrangements! Better yet, if you’ve got a Farmer’s Market nearby, buy local!

Whatever your budget, whatever your relationship status, there’s a self love celebration to be had. Valentine’s Day is a beautifully cheesy day to show love for the number one person in your life - YOU!

Birthday Babe

Annual Birthday Blog! Another year older, wiser, and sparklier! Obviously.

This year is a milestone, and not one of those milestones where you smile at 30 like “ugh I’m SO old, hehe!” I’m 35 now, and on paper that’s a significant number. I get it, that’s still young, but I’m perpetually in that “I feel 25” phase of life so when I look at something that tells me I’m 35, I want to scream “LIAR!”

I already did the whole “the party isn’t over” post. And we covered my thoughts on needles and procedures. I even updated you on my thoughts on romance. So surely what’s left?

In 2020,I want to just celebrate.

I want to celebrate who I am at 35.

Happy Birthday to the woman who feels more herself than she ever has before. Who qualifies her beliefs less. Apologizes for her loud opinionated ways all but never. The woman who has accepted that her life is a bit dramatic and has chosen not to take that as something I’ve created but the extra sparkly life I was given. To the woman who gets self conscious about her body at times, and yet is still the most naked friend we have. Who has committed the time, energy and openness to therapy. Who risks a little vulnerability for love but who has found it in her to walk away rather than stay for attention.

I choose to celebrate who I am today. Because 2020 has been a consistent refreshing of twitter only to find something else awful has showed up to ruin our days.

I choose to celebrate being 35 on paper and 25 at heart. Because while I pay all my bills and I eat my vegetables, sometimes I drink too much and only eat chocolate for dinner.

I choose to celebrate period. Because aging is truly a privilege, and I’ve certainly made the most of the years I’ve got. I cannot wait to continue to celebrate every day. Birthday or not.

Cheers sequins!

Is the party over?

For like my whole life I thought your 20’s were the best years you had. I thought 18-30 were your prime years to live life at 110 mph, hanging on for dear life and just living. Minimal responsibility, hot bodies, cheap drinks, no expectations of really having your shit together.

At 34 I often wonder, is the party over?

Now given we are in a pandemic, wildfires blazing, politics just out of fucking control, this could be just a 2020 panic attack. Earths mid life crisis perhaps?

For me, my 20’s were a constant rager. I think I spent 98% of my 20’s drunk, in sequins and making questionable choices. I can think of more than one occasion where I was a fucking nightmare. The too drunk friend, the friend who you’re worried is lost in a ditch, the friend who is perhaps too good of a party girl. Don’t get me wrong, I was many times the responsible friend, the one who you know has your back and if I do say so myself — the funniest teammate we got. But at times, I was just the biggest mess. Surely some stems from insecurity, some stems from wanting to prove to myself that my traumas don’t define me, and other stems from really liking to party hard!

And yet, I’ve spent far too many hours lately thinking about why I miss my 20’s so much.

Here’s why I think that is (YAS - she loves her a list!)

1. Your 20’s are low pressure

   When you’re 22, people have really low expectations for you. When you party too hard it’s an LOL, see you next weekend. You do that at 34 and you’re a train-wreck (I've been her too, my bad!). But it’s nice to make mistakes without people judging you as hard. So what if you threw up in the Taco Bell drive thru bag while still driving like a boss, you’re 22, so cute for you! Don’t have your dream job yet? It’s ok sweetie, you’re 24, can you even do math yet?

2. There’s no aging in your 20’s

   I hate me too but for all of my 20’s I basically looked 25 max. I often still get mistaken for late 20’s. Good skin, good genes, honestly I don’t deserve it. I wrecked my body in her 20’s and she still never aged. I miss late nights, not having a skincare routine, eating too much and still looking like a godt damn bombshell. Now I have bread and I can’t wear jeans for a week. Don’t do all 60832 steps of my skincare routine? My entire face is red, broken out and growing thorns. Give me 24 year old Ashley’s skin and body again please. She didn’t appreciate her then.

3. Love is for the future

   I have commitment fears. A lot of people have let me down in life and the only consistent has been that I always got me. I loved being in my 20’s because nobody expected me to settle in and get married. There was no “she’s single, what’s wrong with her?” “she’s got a whole roster of men she’s stringing along, she’s so cute what a babe” Now at 34 people are like - is she a lesbian? I’ve always always had a nice little group of men on a roster. From serious relationships to men on the bench, I’d never experienced life without having male attention until I turned 30. Whatever I know, what a hard life bitch. Thing is, women in our 30’s who are single, everyone assumes you’e unhappy. And they also like to tell you how great a mom you would be. Thanks Karen, I’d probably be a good prostitute too but you don’t have to do everything you’re good at do you?

4. Your 20’s are a joke

   Your 20’s are truly just here for a good time. There are responsibilities of course and as you get up into your late 20’s you should probably gather your shit and be responsible but for the most part you are expected to have a good time. Like you get out there, you have fun, you make weird questionable choices. When you get to your 30’s everything is all bills, my back hurts and is my 401k ok?

All that said - I sort of came to the conclusion that for the most part I just miss irresponsible fun. Other than that in my 20’s I was insecure, poor, and in general kept people at arms distance. I had the best time ever, but when I dissect some of the things I miss, I realize my 20’s were dope but my 30’s are for thriving. Here’s why:

1. Stability

   Did you guys know it’s possible not to live paycheck to paycheck? What a wild ass concept. I worked in nonprofit or sports and my salaries were questionable at best. Someone should have called someone about that. In my 30’s, I do really well. I don’t worry about my bills, buying groceries and I can afford to jet abroad for two weeks if I feel like it. I also know what I want to do in my career and I have the resume to actually go out and get it. Things are stable. They’re attainable and they’re secure and that not wanting to fill my prescriptions because I couldn’t afford it, going without meals because I needed to save - that isn’t a thing anymore.

2. I like me

   I really like me. Genuinely. I think my shit smells like rainbows unicorns and those expensive sugary drinks they serve you at all inclusive resorts. Some days I think I’m fat and look old, but most days I look in the mirror and I think, what a damn queen! I did not feel that way in my 20’s, ever. And not many people realize that. But at 34, when shit is not going to be looking up or getting better, and my aversion to plastic surgery and injections is still thriving - I’m still into what I’ve got and where I’m going. I’m proud of where I’m at in my career, I am confident in what I bring to the table as a friend and partner, and I know I can handle anything. I’m pretty dope.

3. Relationships are better

   I am learning to process my traumas and trust in the people around me. That includes opening up about who I am and what I’ve gone through in life and asking for the respect I deserve. It means letting down my guard of being the fun/funny party girl and showing that I have feelings, thoughts and ideas that matter and might not always be shiny and easy to talk about. The relationships I have romantically and with friends are more developed and authentic and I don’t feel the strain of keeping people in my life that I don’t enjoy spending time with. I value my energy, I know that it is a privilege to know me and I and demanding the same from my circle. I truly feel connected, valued and supported by the people I allow into my life. I don’t feel like I have to be everything to everyone anymore. And while this is a constant battle for me, one that I often lose, I have come so far, and I know that I will only continue to be better in this space — for others and for myself.

I really like my 30’s. I assume I’ll panic at 35 because society has taught me that’s what you do, but I know that I’ll quickly go back to feeling excited, grateful and happy for this stage in my life. I’m not quite ready to say 40 is an area I’m openly embracing because I’m not an animal, but I am ready to say bring it 35, I’m ready to thrive.

Maybe I have a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome and will always miss being 20 and a wild child. It’s a comfortable place for me to hide when I’m working on growing into a real live adult. I think that shows up when I do revert back and make some questionable choices, have too much wine and dance on tables. And quite honestly, I think those nights are ok once in a long while. For the most part though, life is good in my 30’s. I think the party looks different but it’s far from over. The party still has drinks, sequins and laughter (and I’m probably being too loud) but now I’m in better labels and drinking better wines. And that doesn’t sound too bad. Cheers!

Me Myself and I - Are over YOU

I pride myself on putting everyone before myself. I wore that shit like a badge of honor for a good 32 years. And it was exhausting.

It’s impossible to sustain a life of service to others if you are not also taking care of yourself.

And that’s what has happened to me. I’m doing A LOT at my job. Taking on probably more than I should. I have been living the most in life. Doing a lot more than I probably should. I’ve run myself to empty.

Because of that, I have started to draw away from others and exist within my own circle.

Which is really hard for me. I feel guilty for not returning calls and texts.

I just do not have the capacity to care though.

Sure, that sounds selfish - but I deserve that. I am always there for my people. Always. I am a good friend, partner and family member.

What I learned though is that I was letting myself run ragged to take care of everyone else. That took me to a really dark place. I was often emotionally and physically sick and because I don’t ask for help, I had no place to go.

At 33, I’ve realized I cannot sustain a healthy happy lifestyle if I am putting everyone else first. So I’m over everyone right now.

Harsh? Maybe.

Realistic and necessary? Absolutely.

I should be selfish. I’m a dope human being. I deserve to love and feel my own sparkle vibes.

I’m not going to feel selfish or guilty for taking the time I need to get myself to a good place. OK, I’m going to try not to feel these things. Try really hard.

It’s entirely possible, and actually entirely critical to be selfish. You have to fill up your own cup before you can possibly help anyone else. The people who know and love you, they’re going to be there for that time in your life. Over and over. And if they’re your tried and true tribe, they’ll even be standing by your side checking in on you and encouraging you to do what you need to do.

Me, myself, and I - we are over you because we need to be into us.

Love is Patient

I lack patience. In every situation. I’m willing to put in the work, but at the first sign of foolish games, I’m out. A lot of people have accused me of being unrealistic in love. In giving up too easily. In walking away far too quickly.

And they’re wrong.

I believed them for a hot minute and so I spent time chasing men I shouldn’t have. Giving out second chances, and staying put when I should have dead sprinted away.

In 2019, I am a Lizzo mood. I’m not here for your games. I’m not patient. I’m not wasting my time. If you want to be captain waste her time, I’m going to catch the first flight out and I’m not scheduling a return.

Love is patient. Love is hard. Love takes work. When it’s the right person, a healthy relationship you need to be patient and put that work in. But lately I’m seeing the same people who tell me I’m too quick to cut ties putting up with a whole lot of bullshit.

There is a difference between working for love and making love work.

You should never have to work for love, but you can make love work. Hear me out. Working for love means you have to mold yourself for the love to work. Making love work is adapting the situation - together - for the love to fit your lifestyle. For the right person.

I’m a romantic. Shocking I know. I believe in love and that there are a lot of good men. I believe the fairy tale exists but my fairy tale isn’t castles and white horses - it’s mutual respect, laughter, and pushing ourselves to achieve our dreams. It’s having a cheerleader, best friend, and adventurer.

So when someone doesn’t fit this mold, hell yea I GTFO. Quickly. Lightening speed.

I am a genuinely happy woman. Being single doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t make me sad. I don’t feel shame for being 33 and unmarried. I’m not putting up a front with my confidence and joy. I am truly ridiculously happy.

That being said, I absolutely want to have someone to do life with. I’m very open to it. And I know with the right person, it’s such a beautiful thing.

Which is probably why with the wrong person, it’s such a horribly demoralizing all consuming thing.

I’ve dated a lot. I’ve been in multiple serious relationships. I’ve done the flings. I’ve had a one night stand or two. I’ve done all the things when it comes to love. So I know what works for me. And being alone does not scare me. But being in the wrong relationship does.

Marriage - a partner for life - that is something I take very seriously. I don’t want to do it more than once if I can help it.

Love is patient because its not in a rush to give you the best it has to offer. It has timing and life circumstances and growth and about a million other factors it has to align with in order to bring out the real deal.

I’m ok with however long that takes.

I am not ok with wasting my time for the wrong love. 100 years spent alone is 100X better than 100 years in the wrong love.

So yea, I walk away. I don’t chase. I quit the game before I cross the start line. If that means I miss out on the ok love - I’m fine with that. Because I’ve got a whole lot of big love for myself - and a whole list of adventures to be on until the real deal comes along.

And if I don’t find the real deal - or I cause myself to miss it - ya know what? Is that really the worst thing in the world? Because I just don’t think it is.

Frozen

I struggled a lot with whether or not I wanted to write this piece. It’s incredibly personal and life changing to have or not have children. As a woman, there is a lot of societal pressure to have children, be a mom, honestly, be it all. And growing up, it was assumed I’d get married, have the 2.5 kids and do the whole traditional family experience. The older I get, the more my dream of the future changes. I’m 33 now, I’ve sort of got to make that decision fairly soon when it comes to pregnancy. Right now, I do not have the answer. So I’m freezing my eggs.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to write this was because it puts my personal decision very out there. This is an easily searchable blog for men I date, have dated, who know me and have considered me a potential partner. To not know what I want, to potentially not want children, that could limit my dating pool. But I’ve got to be true to myself above all else, and my truth is, I don’t know.

I’m really good with kids. I enjoy time with kids in doses. I’m just really unsure if I’m willing to give up my independence to raise my own. I also really don’t know if pregnancy is an experience I want to have. If I do end up wanting kids, maybe I’ll adopt. It’s about a billion thoughts, decisions and truly personal things that I’m considering when it comes to my reproductive future. Really, my future life in general.

I wanted to talk about this because I’m sick of everyone telling me how great I am with kids. How when I meet the right person I’ll feel different. How I’ll change my mind. Maybe I will, but maybe I won’t. The thing is, bearing a child does not make me a woman. It does not make me whole. Choosing not to have children, that doesn’t make me less of a woman. It does not mean I cannot have it all. My all may look really different from your all. I’m sick of the conversations for women revolving around our relationships and child rearing status.

I simply don’t know if I want to have kids. All that says about me is that I’m actively engaged in thinking about my future in a responsible and healthy way. And I don’t give a damn what you have to think, say, or feel about that decision.