New Year, Happy Me

2022 Recap: Fucking crushed it.

This last year, I have worked really hard to be my best self. Therapy, medication, using my voice, setting boundaries — ya girl been doing the most.

And it was a year I absoltuely crushed.

Sure, I spent 6 months unemployed, but I did so in style. I traveled, I spent time with the people who give me joy, and I decided to only do things that make me happy.

I started setting actual boundaries for the first time. Saying no, end of sentence. And I cut loose the folks that didn’t accept these boundaries.

I spoke up. Opened up about trauma and got vulnerable while fighting for better. I shared more with friends about my life and why I am the way I am. I kicked out friends who didn’t make me feel good.

And I waited for the right role for what I need right now.

2022 was dope. Sure, there were some hard times - a lot of them. My health hasn’t been great. Dating was a bit …interesting? Money was not as flush as I’d planned.

But when I think of this year, I smile.

So 2023? More of the same. I’m going to prioritize me, put more work in to be my healthiest mentally and hopefully figure out all this gestures wildly health stuff.

I’m going to travel more, smile more, be vulnerable more and put me first (and dog, obvi).

New Year doesn’t mean new me, it means focusing on me, period. It means just continuing the work and continuing the strive for better.

I don’t set NYE goals, I don’t do resolutions - I work everyday to get better. Regardless of the date.

For me, that’s winning.

What does the new year look like for you?

FunEmployment

In May I left a really toxic environment (at a wonderful company, wrong team). Instead of immediately focusing on my job search, I took a break. Now 6 months in I’ve learned a whole lot.

I can finally say that work doesn’t define me. It’s a great thing that can certainly fullfill me, but the real purpose of it is to pay bills and book flights.

I will always work hard, be type A and value having a reputation as someone who is one of tne best at what they do, but my work will no longer be my primary focus. It does not define me. In fact, it’s the least interesting thing about me.

That’s a HUGE shift for me. While I’ve worked to find balance, I’ve still very much allowed work to be 80% of who I am and where I spend my energy. It’s controlled my moods, controlled what I think about myself and truly been what I’m self concious about.

No more.

6 months of travel, therapy, not working — I’m a new sequin, and I love it.

It’s completely foreign to me to be at a “career low” and yet be the most confident, fullfilled and happy version of myself I’ve ever been. I am setting boundaries, living for the moment, speaking about my feelings, doing the work assigned at therapy and investing in people who make me feel wonderful while stepping away from those who don’t. I am genuinely so proud and happy of the woman that I am.

I know at the end of the day, I’ll find the next thing. I will bet on me every single time. And I won’t lie, it’s stressful looking for a job in a market full of layoffs and a looming recession. I am not an heiress (RUDE) so I’ll need a job soon. I have my breakdowns and stress about that. I’m human. But I will be ok. I will come out of this thriving.

In the meantime, I’m working really hard to keep the old me back and the new me forward. I’m focused on putting in the work on my growth and maturity and investing in experiences.

Funemployment for me has been an incredible time of work & play. I’ve left the country twice, traveled in our own country countless times and I’m taking time to build on who I am without work. It’s been a gift to truly force myself to be whole without a job - because I don’t have one!

I hope that when I do start work again, I remember this time and stay focused on the growth. I hope I keep this same main character energy and ensure work stays secondary.

Whatever comes next, this time has been a gift and an incredible opportunity to become a better me. And at the end of the day, that’s the goal. Be the best version of myself possible.

What's your value?

I have always been an overachiever. I do too much. All day, everyday.

When sports ended, I put that energy into work. And now that I’ve decided I don’t want to give my all to work anymore, I’ve struggled with what my value is.

Who am I when I am not overachieving? What do I bring to the table if I’m not trying to be the best at everything?

For a while I didn’t think I had value outside of those things. I thought that’s all I was.

Truth is, I’m also funny, kind, loyal, fun, adventurous and so many other things. I bring so much to the table that has nothing to do with overachieving at things.

And to be honest, what I do for a living, it’s the least interesting thing about me.

My value outside of overachieving has more to do with how I love myself and how I make others feel.

So I’ve focused more on overachieving in LIFE. In the things that really matter. I put that do too much energy into time with the people I love, travel, fitness — things that bring me joy.

And I’m working really hard at remembering that matters more than anything else, creating a full overachieved LIFE.

At the end of it all, as cliche as it is, nobody cares or remembers the meetings they crushed or the projects they nailed. We remember the times we spent with people we love and enjoying the things we are passionate about.

I know most of you are probably sitting here thinking, this is basic life stuff, nothing profound about it!

It’s profound for me, and a lot of folks like me. We are taught to be the best for so long at sports and school and work that we don’t understand the normal way of living. We don’t know how to prioritize things that don’t lead to awards and scholarships and promotions.

Learning to live and enjoy LIFE is new. And it feels counterproductive and goes against everything we’ve ever been taught. It’s a lot to unlearn.

So if you’re like me, give yourself a shot at living life to its fullest. In overachieving at the stuff that fills you up. Start small. It might mean doing something each day that doesn’t contribute to your job. Do a puzzle, grab a coffee with a friend, get a workout in doing something you love doing, cook a healthy meal. The point is to select something that brings you joy, but it’s not something you can “win.” Do it because it’s enjoyable and makes you feel good.

Go ahead and challenge yourself to keep on overachieving — but only at the things that really matter.

Unbreakable

If you’re new here, you might not know that I have not always been this loud nor confident. Growing up in a conservative, white, wealthy town meant that I didn’t really grow into my own self — and love who that is until my 30’s.

I bought into needing the good grades, being the star athlete, beauty queen and everything in between. I had moments where my voice came through and my wild ways popped up, but comparative to who I am now, I don’t know that girl.

At 35, I am unbreakable. I know what I stand for, I know who I am and I’m confident that person fucking rocks.

I’ve survived the things I was sure would break me. I’ve percevered when I hit rock bottom in my career. I’ve navigated foreign countries without speaking the language. And I’ve done it all with great hair.

It took me a really long time to get to this point. And at times, my confidence falters. When it does, I remind myself what a bad ass I actually am.

In a year when we’ve all been deeply tested, I hope that you take the time to remind yourself you’re pretty amazing too.

Write these things down. Have them nearby so that when you start to doubt yourself, you can easily look to examples of just how unbreakable you are.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all of the things we’ve been enduring lately. And it makes me want to tell people more how strong and wonderful they are.

To thank others who have been there to keep me believing in me when it felt like I was alone.

And then to ultimately come back to me, and remind myself — that I might shake, I might crack, but I will forever be unbreakable.

Love Thyself

Valentine’s Day is upon us and although I really don’t talk much about my relationship status, I do love to talk about my love for myself! So this Valentine’s Day I want to celebrate loving yourself!

The greatest relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself — celebrate that and get yourself a gift this Valentine’s Day! Whether you can afford an actual gift or just a night in to yourself, here are some amazing ways to love thyself for every budget!

Spa Day

Spend: Book a whole day at a spa! Schedule a massage, facial, the works! While you’rethere, make use of the sauna and any meditation or yoga classes offered! High end spas have some very safe protocols in place!

Save: Create a spa at home! Light a candle,turn on some music, take a bubble bath and do a face mask! While you’re at it, paint those nails and exfoliate that skin!

Decadent Meal

Spend: Make a reservation at a restaurant you’ve always wanted to splurge on, and go ahead and order dessert (outdoors only please!).

Save: Either order in some takeout from a local restaurant (bonus points for supporting local!) or cook a meal at home. There’s plenty of good wine for under $15 to enjoy while you dine!

Shopping Spree

Spend: Had your eye on that gorgeous coat? BUY IT! Wanted those expensive boots but couldn’t justify the cost? Time to hit purchase! Get yourself something you’ve really wanted, you deserve it!

Save: Hit up a local thrift store! The thrill of the hunt is so much fun and bonus points, it’s great for the environment!

Fitness Fun

Spend: Pay for a private lesson to the studio you fell in love with. It’s a great way to take your workout to the next level and get some 1:1 adjustments to make future workouts better!

Save: Take an online class or get outside and enjoy a hike in nature. There are so many ways to enjoy classes without paying the private price tag. You could also sign up for the first class free pass at that fancy studio around the corner!

Flower Delivery

Spend: Call up the local florist and treat yourself to a monthly delivery. Setup 6 months of a monthly boquet to have something pretty to look forward to.

Save: Hit up Trader Joes and spend $20 on florals. Take them home and watch a YouTube video on floral arrangements! Better yet, if you’ve got a Farmer’s Market nearby, buy local!

Whatever your budget, whatever your relationship status, there’s a self love celebration to be had. Valentine’s Day is a beautifully cheesy day to show love for the number one person in your life - YOU!

Validation

The only validation I ever thought I needed in life was parking. Athletes are trained to work hard and stay humble. Validation is braggadocios and everything is earned as a team.

I struggle with compliments and credit. Traditionally if you tell me I did something great, I’m going to point to 3 other people who helped to make it happen. Awards are great when they’re based on tangible achievements like 1st place, but I’m still going to thank my coaches, trainers, and teammates for getting me there.

This has been my norm. Forever. And while I think that is lovely and serves a very important purpose, I’ve realized that there are times I should have said thank you, I did achieve this thing and I did it because I worked hard. Yes, this was my idea and it was a good one.

I also never realized how much I needed to hear validation.

Recently, I have had a few friends come forward to thank me for things that I have spent years accepting about myself. Things others like to belittle and criticize me for.

And I didn’t realize how incredible that felt. To be seen, heard, and just appreciated for things that I deeply value as part of who I am.

People that are comfortable in their own skin, who are loud, opinionated, and come off as confident and secure are the people others forget to validate.

Sure, I have often been complimented on things like my athletic ability and my physical appearance but rarely do I hear praise for who I am. In fact, more often than not, because I am perceived as strong, people feel more comfortable criticizing me than they do complimenting me.

I’m well aware that has to do with their own insecurities. If I wasn't strong,I wouldn’t be able to go through life the way I have. To achieve the things that I have and will continue to achieve. Yet does being strong mean you aren’t deserving of validation? It doesn’t.

Quite frankly, I’ve had a little pep in my sparkly step since these wonderful humans took the time out of nowhere to tell me these wonderful things. It felt really good to know people I love have such praise for me. It made me realize, I need to continue to work to be open about the things I’ve been more open about lately. I think making myself more vulnerable has allowed others to see I am just as human as the next babe.

I may be strong. I may use humor to make light of everything. But I am still just figuring life out like everyone else. That means I’m not only in need of validation, I’m now expecting it once in awhile.

I hope that if you are like me, you too learn that there is nothing wrong with being the friend who will always be OK; but that doesn’t mean your people don’t have to tell you that you matter. That your particular quirks and attributes are to be celebrated and they love you for them.

Next time you get that coveted parking validation, don’t forget to get your self validation stamped too babe!

Fake Adult

I’m about to be 35 in a couple months.

When I was 16, 35 to me was the time in which I would be married, have 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a bitchin car in the driveway.

My 35 doesn’t look like that.

Having spent the last 5 years redefining what I thought my future was supposed to be has been a journey. It’s been a whole lot of unlearning societal expectations, struggling with those milestones not reached, and realizing that a lot of the things I thought I wanted were in fact just things I thought we did as adults.

And now, as I come upon an age that seemed about 1,000 yeas away, I feel like a fake adult.

I’m doing all the things society tells you to do when it comes to being an adult. I have a great job, I’m paying my bills, I’m not committing wild crimes. I generally make it through the day without any trouble.

All the things on paper, I’m out here doing them.

Internally though, I feel 25. I feel like there’s so many of the things I’m not checking off. I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor any real desire right now to have any), I don’t own a house. Did buy myself the bitchin new car though.

All in all, you’d look at me and say yes queen, adult away, B+ on Wednesdays but all other days you’re easily an A- or better. Keep up the good work and check back in at 36.

I would be lying if I didn’t say the society fairy doesn’t check in with me once in awhile to be like hey girl, just wanted to point out that we generally expect xy and z at this age so you’re late and we want you to know we sent a memo to everyone else in the world letting them know.

When that society fairy comes through I do allow her to sit there a little longer than I should. I do let her poke me with doubts and sometimes I even let her toss me down a spiral of shame and fear.

Yet most days, most days I think to myself, maybe we are all just fake adults.

Maybe the woman living the life I thought I was supposed to at 35 is sitting here thinking she’s fake adulting because she doesn’t have it all together like she thought she would.

Maybe the high powered career babe is thinking shes a fake adult because everyday she doubts herself and how she got to where she did.

Maybe the single Sex & the City Samantha babe living her NYC dream also feels like a fake because she’s thriving in her womanhood but doesn’t know how to turn on the stove in her penthouse.

I sort of think maybe we are all fake adults who spend each day just trying to make it out alive. I believe that society puts all these rules and expectations and marketing and says ok you guys, go out there and be this adult today! And then next week, you also have to do it while running a marathon and writing a novel! And if you don’t do it all, you’ve failed and we will send your society fairy to remind you.

So yea, maybe I am a fake adult because I don’t have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs. Maybe some days I have cheese for dinner. Maybe some weeks I wear the same shorts 5 days in a row. Maybe I spend too much time watching teen romantic comedies and swooning while also judging the characters for not being badass enough. And maybe at the end of the day, I still pay all my bills, feed my dog, do the laundry, create meaningful relationships, exercise, and laugh.

And just maybe, that’s what being an adult is anyways. It’s faking it until you make it. And maybe, we are all just a whole bunch of fake adults smiling at each other when we are really thinking “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either.” And maybe we should just say that to each other more.

Panicked

It is obviously a very strange and stressful time in our world right now. Everywhere we turn there is more scary news about the Coronavirus. And that’s causing a panic.

We should absolutely be taking this very seriously. It is a very serious virus and has proven to shut down entire nations. But there is absolutely no reason to panic.

I obviously life with anxiety. And I’m scared too because I have a compromised immune system.

I am also a realist. And I care about myself and others. So I am choosing not to panic. I am also choosing to self quarantine. You should be doing these things as well.

If you have anxiety, this is a challenge. So let’s talk about to make it easier.

Limit Exposure

I mean this literally by social distancing but I also mean in the form of a digital detox. Stay informed with reputable and real sources (aka stop listening to the White House), but limit the amount of negative information you are exposing yourself to. Log off social media where a lot of the information available is wrong. Turn the channel if you’ve already spent time updating yourself for the day. The more you take in the content that is negative, the more you will panic. Turn it off, turn off the thing that is exacerbating your anxiety.

Stay Occupied

Distractions are everything. Been meaning to clean out your closet and donate old clothes? Is that book your friend recommended gathering dust on your bedside table? Still have that Pilates class waiting in your DVR? Do those things. Choose positive distractions during this time. Do all the things we all put off in our regular busy lives. And if it doesn’t bring you joy, don’t do it.

Create a Safe Space

You’re going to be spending a lot of time at home. Put in the work to make it a safe and comfortable space for you. Prepare with the supplies you need (prepare, NOT panic), make a cozy space, clean and organize. Do everything you need to do in order to feel joy and calm in your space. The more you feel “at home” the easier it is to actually spend well, all of your time there.

Invest in the right kind of social

No, not social media. We are social beings, we need that connection. FaceTime your family and friends. Text with them. Send cards, emails, tag the memes! Continue to remain connected in a healthy low risk way to the people that are important to you. Even the most introverted person in the world is not going to survive with no human contact.

Keep moving

My fitness game the last week has been on point. Get outside. Go for a walk (if you’re in a suburban or rural area, city kids sorry - keep your workouts at home), sit outside, get a workout class in (virtually). Mental health is connected to physical health. Don’t sit too long. Don’t sleep all day. Get moving.

Eat healthy

Again, health body, healthy mind. You can still order groceries online. Cool healthy meals. Eat healthy snacks. You’ve got time to show your Pinterest board the recipes you’ve been saving are actually going to be out to use. Sure, indulge, but eat as healthy as you can.

I know, things seem bleak right now. Things are hard. They’re straight up not fun. And for a lot of people, they are terrifying. Show up for yourself and others by doing the right thing. Stay home. Be kind. Help others where you can. We will get through this, but we have to do it together.

The Body Exhibit

I have always struggled with body image. Whether I am 98lbs and 4% body fat or 150lbs and 312% body fat, I’ve always been very critical about my body. As an athlete, your body is your “money maker.” t’s your worth. It’s what gets you a win, a scholarship, it is your main source of success.

Because of that, I have always placed a lot of my value in how my body looks and feels. But I’m 33 now and I’m not an athlete. My metabolism isn’t the same and when I have an off month, it shows up on my body. I know that I naturally do have good metabolism, a whole lot of muscle memory and certainly my wonderful curves are nothing to be ashamed of - but I still get really insecure.

It does not matter what body type you are, we are all taught to want something different.

I think as I get older, I do start to care less about what others think and love myself for everything I am. I’ve been through a lot, my body specifically, and I have respect for it and all that it has provided me.

And here’s something I’ve started to tell myself - you don’t owe a body type to anyone.

I blossomed early. The Summer between junior and senior year I got boobs. Big boobs. And yet I was still about 98lbs. Obviously that didn’t go unnoticed. I had always had a butt (shout out to my Portuguese family!) so adding in more curves and still being super thin with muscles really just added to the attention I was getting. From a very early age, I associated my value with not only my appearance but my body. And that’s something that has carried with me throughout my life.

Having to unlearn all of that has been really hard.

Ultimately I think everyone has body image issues but in general it is something women deal with a lot more. I hate that as a woman who is super supportive of other women not being defined by appearance - I’ve allowed myself to be defined by it.

Tree of trust, I am a whole lot of other magical things that have nothing to do with my body. It’s really understandable however that a lot of my insecurities are wrapped up in my body and appearance. My traumas are body related and being sexualized at a young age has forced me to live in that headspace.

I don’t want to live there anymore. And I sincerely don’t want to be so hard on myself for how I look. I do not owe a body type to anyone. All I owe is a healthy and happy body to myself.

And I owe being a positive resource for myself. I deserve to love myself, love my body, and to respect it.

Look, this isn’t an easy journey. I’ve got to unpack and relearn a whole lot.

But I would like to be that for myself moving forward. Because being happy with myself has nothing to do with anyone but me.

Me Myself and I - Are over YOU

I pride myself on putting everyone before myself. I wore that shit like a badge of honor for a good 32 years. And it was exhausting.

It’s impossible to sustain a life of service to others if you are not also taking care of yourself.

And that’s what has happened to me. I’m doing A LOT at my job. Taking on probably more than I should. I have been living the most in life. Doing a lot more than I probably should. I’ve run myself to empty.

Because of that, I have started to draw away from others and exist within my own circle.

Which is really hard for me. I feel guilty for not returning calls and texts.

I just do not have the capacity to care though.

Sure, that sounds selfish - but I deserve that. I am always there for my people. Always. I am a good friend, partner and family member.

What I learned though is that I was letting myself run ragged to take care of everyone else. That took me to a really dark place. I was often emotionally and physically sick and because I don’t ask for help, I had no place to go.

At 33, I’ve realized I cannot sustain a healthy happy lifestyle if I am putting everyone else first. So I’m over everyone right now.

Harsh? Maybe.

Realistic and necessary? Absolutely.

I should be selfish. I’m a dope human being. I deserve to love and feel my own sparkle vibes.

I’m not going to feel selfish or guilty for taking the time I need to get myself to a good place. OK, I’m going to try not to feel these things. Try really hard.

It’s entirely possible, and actually entirely critical to be selfish. You have to fill up your own cup before you can possibly help anyone else. The people who know and love you, they’re going to be there for that time in your life. Over and over. And if they’re your tried and true tribe, they’ll even be standing by your side checking in on you and encouraging you to do what you need to do.

Me, myself, and I - we are over you because we need to be into us.