Character Development

Growing up I developed a need to be a people pleaser. I worked hard not for myself, but because I felt it was the character I was supposed to play.

Top athlete. Good student. Beauty queen. I had to be the best at everything. I never considered if these things were important to me, I only cared that I succeeded at them and they made people approve of me.

That worked for me for a really long time. I was successful and had the approval of those around me.

But now that I’m in my late 30’s, those things aren’t what makes me happy. I don’t feel my value is based upon my bofy, beauty or what I achieve at work. They’re great things to have, but they don’t make me feel valueable.

They also haven’t been what makes me happy.

I value being a good person, laughet, good peoplel travel, feeling safe and supported and healthy. That’s it.

I will always work hard, I will always value being conventionally beautiful (hello, women of the world) and yea, it feels good to be a boss at work - but those things don’t equal automatic joy.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not feeling good enough, successful enough, attractive enough - but the common theme is that I don’t know what any of that means for me. I only know what those things mean from the standpoint of people who showed me the values of those things. My view on what equals success or where those things fit in my value set never came into account.

So that’s what I’m trying to learn. What matters to me, who I am indepedent of what others think I should be and how I want to develop moving forward.

I had always thought of myself as fiercely indepedenent and vocal - and I am - but I am also quick to pull myself back into line to meet the expectations of others. I have genuinely valued being liked over being true to myself.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

So at 37, I’m not entirely sure all of who I am. I am working hard weekly to figure it out. And while I have a lot of work to do, I’ve also done a lot of work.

I like this me. I like the version of me that doesn’t need to be the best. I like the version of me who steps away from people who gaslight me into feeling bad about being who I really am. I love the version of me who speaks up unapolagetically about the things that matter and sits with being called loud, bossy, bitchy and difficult. Who doesn’t backtrack and smooth the road. I love the me that demands better of myself and others. I love the me that I’m evolving into.

I know I’ll have setbacks, but for the very first time I genuinely feel like I’m not just saying I have grown, I truly am growing and learning to be the real me that’s authentic and flawed and quick to sit in a situation and figure out what I feel rather than what I should feel.

I hope if you’re struggling, you keep doing the work. Whether you’re 22, 32, 62 - there’s alwaus time to figure out who you are and prioritize your own joy. To succeed on your own terms. To find pride in your own existence because you’re true to your values and joy.

Playing a character is exhausting and note remotely fullfilling. Your authentic self is who you owe to the world. If not everyone likes that person — good — it means you’re doing something rignt. Keep going.

The Rules are Meant to be Broken

I have always followed the rules in life. Not the actual rules, but the ones that say get good grades, work hard, go to college, get the job, get promoted - and so forth. And you know where those riles got me? It got me injured, it got me stuck in horrific job environments, it got me challenging horrible bosses and quitting.

It got me sitting here at 36 wondering what was the point?

So I’m breaking the rules now.

I’m not searching for the next level. I’m searching for the next happy.

I’m saying yes to the last minute flights to Europe. I’m saying no to the really high paying offer that would make me miserable and force me to go back to working 24/7. I’m sitting on the couch and catching up on reality TV while I eat chips. And I’m setting boundaries at work instead of volunteering to stay up for 2 days straight to execute the perfect event.

I have decided that the rules are stupid and I’m tired of seeing people do less to get more.

So I’m creating my own rules.

Rule number one - live the life that makes me the happiest. That’s the priority.

Focus less on doing the most to achieve arbitrary milestones that I don’t think I ever cared about and spend more time on the things that spark joy.

If you’re like me and you’re been following the rules set forth when you were a wee sequin, take some time to step back and re-evaluate if those rules still apply.

Most often times you will find they do not.

So break them. And create your own rules for living. Starting with “be truly happy” at number one.

You got this.

Main Character

Growing up I always played a role. It was really easy for me to shift between star athlete, beaugty queen, class clown, book nerd — whatever the situation called for I was ready to step into that role.

The only role I’d never played was the main character in my own life.

It’s always been really important to be to be the best at everything. I needed to fulfil the expectations of those around me. From being really good at all the sports to being the prettiest, skinniest version I could be. To getting good grades and getting the promotion. Being the youngest to have a job to being the funniest in the friendship group.

Recently, my therapist asked me who I wanted to be. What was important to me?

And for probably the second time in my life, I didn’t have the words.

I’d never considered whether I was truly passionate about the things I was working tirelessly towards. I just did them to the best of my ability over and over again.

So she challenged me to start thinking about what I was doing for me, what I wanted my future to look like and to write it down.

I’m still really passionate about sports, I’m definitely invested in feeling good about how I look but I doin’t care about titles or climbing the ladder at work.

I’m really excited about excelling at things, but things that are important to me. Like being a good person, helping others and affecting change. I do want to be healthy and fit - but skinny isn’t something I strive for, I want to be athletic and strong. At work, I want to be paid well and respected - and then I want to be left alone because I care more about life outside the office.

I still struggle greatly with being the main character in my own story. I care a lot more than I thought about what others think about how I appear on the outside. And that’s going to take time to move past.

Having to shift from being conditioned to be the best at everything and meet certain life milestones - and then not meeting all of those milestones has been really really hard. Figuring out those milestones were never what I really wanted has been really really hard. I’ve spent so much time playing a charachter that I don’t know who I am all the time.

But it’s really important for me to figure that out.

It’s really important to me to spend the rest of my time in life playing the main character according to my own script.

I challenge you to really take the time to discover whay parts of you are YOU and which parts were written FOR you. And then work towards developing the parts that are authentically you.

Sometimes there is no explanation

I need an explanation for everything. I want to know why, how and what I could have done differently to avoid a negative situation. I need to know.

A mentor and friend recently explained to me something really simple that has brought me a lot of peace.

“Sometimes people are shitty and things are shitty and there is no other explanation for it.”

Period.

I recently went through a bit of a rough patch and found myself in a toxic situation that I tried every which way to explain. I obsessed over my every move, the move of others in the situation and how I could have strategically done things differently. When I explained this to my friend, he simply said “This person is shitty, your situation is shitty, just walk away knowing that.”

And he’s right.

There’s no deeper meaning or hidden lesson here. Unfortunately I was in a shitty situation and I tried my best to make it work but it wasn’t the right thing for me.

Not everything has an explanation. Not every person is meant for you to understand. Sometimes you get stuck around someone who’s absolute trash and the situation you’re in is garbage.

That’s it.

Don’t overthink it. Save yourself the time and energy. Understand the situation and those people don’t serve you, aren’t meant for you and move on.

Process and recognize what’s happening so you recognize the signs for the future, but most of all, move on.

Focus on what’s next. Look for a better situation. Surround yourself with better people. And just make things better.

Find peace in knowing that life doesn’t provide you with a formal explanation for everything. Sometimes it’s shitty, people are shitty, and that’s that.

Now take a deep breath and go find something to fill up your sparkle.

Covid, Season Three

Not surprisingly, Covid was renewed for a third season. While I don’t think we will ever have any form of a lock down again, I do think many of us compassionate and responsible folks will be spending a lot of time at home, again.

Given we did all the things they told us to do for self care about a year and a half ago, I don’t think the tried and true are going to help. It’s really hard to journal your way out of the anxiety that comes with 800,000 people dying in such a short time. It’s even more impossible for Zoom happy hours to fix the sadness that comes with watching so many lives ruined by police brutality and racism. So what do we do?

I don’t have the answers, I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed myself. But I’m about solutions, so I’d like to offer some.

Therapy

I am a huge advocate of therapy. Professional help in such serious times is so so critical to maintaining good mental health. I do realize therapy is a privilege not everyone can afford. There are resources to help (and again, I realize these aren’t possible for everyone). Check in with your company about FREE or insurance covered option. Check out local colleges and universities who offer the same from students studying to be therapists. There are also community resources for free specifically for at risk and youth persons. If you’re a healthcare worker, many app services are offering free or low cost support. It may take some researching, but there are options.

Get Outside

This has been huge for me. Get outside. Sit, walk, run, hike - whatever level of activity you can engage in, do it. The sunshine, smells and natural environment will help ground you. If you’re in a city, is there a park you can walk to? Can you take public transportation or drive to somewhere that does have nature? Can you put some headphones on with a podcast and sit on your balcony? Whatever small amount of outside time you can get, take it.

Turn off Electronics

Get offline. Log off social media. Turn off the TV. There are so many stimulants lately between news and social media and the news is not always good. Shut it all off. Grab a book, color, paint, listen to music, talk to a friend, walk, drink water, disengage from the madness and find ways to reconnect with tangible things or people.

Spend Time with Loved Ones

If you’ve got a quaranteam, meetup with them (safely). Being able to talk and spend time with the people who fill up your joy is so important during this time. If you can do it while walking, cooking a meal, or something else that keeps you off your electronics - do that!

What are you doing to stay sane in year three?

Career Journey, Pivot

My entire life has been about overachieving. When my athletic career ended, I focused my overachieving on my career. And ever since I entered the workforce in 2007, my focus has been to do more.

Recently, I realized how tired I am and how little a title means to me. I am still committed to excellence and I will always take pride in being good at what I do, but I want more out of life than a title.

Instead of looking at what’s next. What title, what company, I’m more focused on what job affords me the most joy. Money matters because my life is expensive, but only to a point that I have the time and space to spend the money experiencing life.

It’s such an incredible shift for me to not care about that next title. I truly could not care less about what I’m called. I want to be challenged, I want growth, I want to be paid what I’m worth and then I want to have the space to create boundaries.

Boundaries are what allow me to thrive at work and in my personal life.

I spent so many years without boundaries. Work was my priority. I set aside a lot of joy to push myself at work. And it hasn’t necessarily paid off. Sure, I’ve held some incredible roles at some big companies. But it hasn’t necessarily put me ahead of my peers. A lot of getting ahead is about who you know and being strategic. Hard work doesn’t always translate to success.

I would absolutely call myself successful in my career, but I would also caution not to idolize my grind because of what I gave up to get where I’ve been.

At this point in my life, I’m taking a pivot to joy. If what I’m doing isn’t bringing me joy most days, I’m leaving. If the environment I’m in is more stressful and unhealthy than not, I’m leaving. And I’m running to places that provide me what I need in life - joy. Joy, respect for boundaries and places I can have most of it all.

There is no having it all, but you can have most of it.

I’m not sure what’s next or what all this sudden change of heart is going to lead to. But for the first time in my life, I’m ok with that.

New Year, Same Sparkle

It’s that time of year! New Year, same sparkle! That’s right, it’s the time we celebrate all that’s happened in 2021 and look forward to the fresh year that is 2022.

If you’re looking for resolutions and declarations of change, this is not the blog for you. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.

2021 gets 4/5 stars. Which is really weird to think about because I had so much struggle with my mental and physical health. But I also moved back to Colorado, where I’ve wanted to come back to for almost 10 years and I bought my first home, something I never thought I’d achieve.

It’s been one of those years that makes no sense. A giant roller coaster of “life is amazing” immediately followed by “WTF is happening.”

I’ve continued the journey of being more open about my mental health, growing into a better version than I was the day before, and investing my time and energy into the things that bring me joy.

I’ve been really committed to the simplicity that can be found in asking “does this make me happy.” If it doesn’t, if a person doesn’t, I release it. If it does, I invest more time in it.

I’ve had a major shift in my career goals. I’m uninterested in leveling up in title or responsibility and instead deeply value showing up somewhere that is healthy and that challenges me but respects my personal time. I want to do big things at home just as much as I do at work. I finally get it.

The theme of the year has honestly been simply to experience the most joy I possibly can. And when I can’t, to be kind, patient and empathetic to myself until I can experience joy.

I have been more selfish. And I love that.

I have changed so much in the last year and I’m so excited about where I am going.

In 2022, I want more of 2021. Maybe less surprise negatives, but certainly more of the growth, joy and adventure.

I want to travel more (pending covid), write more, connect more, share more and be overall MORE. I want to catch more sunsets, log more miles up new mountains, hug more of my loved ones, laugh every single day and chase all the dreams I now realize are beyond possible.

I hope that 2022 brings me a new year filled with all the same sparkles that make me the person I am. And I hope that you get lots of the same.

Cheers!

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...

It’s been almost 6 months since I published a blog. In the almost 6 years I’ve been writing, that’s the longest break I’ve ever taken.

The last 6 months have been filled with really high highs and really low lows. I moved states, bought my first home, fell out of love with a job, had to deal with a past job being very much in the spotlight (and bringing up old traumas), had a tumor removed in my breast - and so much more.

Life became really overwhelming. Blogging felt like a chore. So I stopped.

I blog because it’s a form of therapy for me. When it stopped being therapeutic, I knew I needed a break.

I’m still dealing with some of the heavy things I had been throughout these 6 months. I am however I think dealing with them in a much healthier way.

I’m not sure if this will go back to being a weekly thing for me. I do want to get back to writing, but I want to make sure it stays fun. I want to make sure I’m continuing to focus on balance and not doing all the things all the time.

We all know I love a list. So I wanted to make a list of some of the things I’ve learned in my time away…

1. Rest is not only ok, it is required in order to thrive

2. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you choose to change and grow

3. Your goals are allowed to change. Your priorities are allowed to change

4. The people that make you feel bad in life aren’t your people. Stay away from them

5. The people who make you feel like sunshine are your tribe. Keep them close

6. Be selfish. Put yourself first

7. Life is complicated. Some years are full of utter devastation and intense wins. That’s confusing. It’s ok to sit with that.

8. If you don’t ask for what you want, you won’t get it

9. Careers don’t define you. Titles don’t mean much. You can pivot at any time

10. Your time is valuable. Never forget how important it is.

I’ve had a super confusing year. It’s been a lot of BIG changes. I never really sat to experience all that’s happened and that means I’ve missed a lot of unpacking the emotions with it all. Some days I can’t get over how lucky I am. Other days I want to quit everything and move to a new country. I kind of think that’s life for a lot of us these past two years.

I hope my passion for writing and the words come back to me in droves now that I’ve got a better handle on things. But if they don’t, that’s ok too.

For the time being, we are back to our regularly scheduled programming here.

That was fast

I’ve always read those “life comes at you fast” and “things change quickly” life sayings and thought to myself; what a pile of shit. I spent a lot of years struggling financially and working in jobs that made me miserable. None of that changed fast for me.

And yet here I am at 35, looking around, and things have changed. I’m not struggling financially. I love my job. Overall, things seem pretty damn good.

I don’t think that’s by chance.

It’s by design (and of course some luck and born privilege).

I’ve put in the time, effort, and been an all around decent human being for quite some time now. My current situation is a result of that.

Sure, life can change in an instant. But it is far more likely that life is a result of a million things over time.

It’s the work you put in, the way you treat others, and often the circumstances you were born into and the privileges you hold in the world.

Yet I encourage you to continue to believe.

To know that eventually, things can be ok. They have the potential to change.

In a time when I know a lot of people are struggling, I encourage you to stay as eyes on the prize as possible. And if you’re going through a good time right now like I am, I encourage you to help those who are not.

Mistakes

Did you huys know that people make mistakes and thats just….ok? Nobody shared this with me! My entire life I have been under the impression that mistkaes are unacceptable.

I get it, I’m too hard on myself. But I genuinely thought that if you make a mistake, specifically at work, you get scolded and you are shamed and life is over.

I’m now in an environment where they not only give grace for mistakes, they expect that you’re bound to make them.

I’m sorry, what is this world?

I made a mistake in a big event that I had planned. And I was so hard on myself. Shaming myself for days on end and apologizing over and over again to literally everyone. I would not, could not stop cutting myself down about it.

And you know what? Every single person at this company said to me — thats is? THat’s the bigest mistake you made for this? AND you fixed it immediately? You’re good.

YOURE GOOD? Where are thre scoldings? Who is going to throw apples at me in the town square? I’m just …given grace and acceptance and support? HOW DARE YOU.

Her’es the thing — I genuinely understand when others make mistakes. But I rarely make them at work. I am so on it that I am often doing my job, your job and her job and I’m doing it all well.

And yea, sometimes I make a mistake — but it is rare. And when I do I am shaming myself for weeks on end.

Apparently expecting perfection isn’t reality.

Having my team, my manager, and others give me grace has been eye opening. It’s allowed me to give myself grace. I still have incredibly high expectations for myself and others, but I am also realizing that I am human. And the constant pressure I have put on myself for years is not sustainable.

I guess what I’m saying is maybe a mistake or two isn’t the end of the world or my career.