My therapist thinks I'm not half bad.
She tells me that I am generally not failing.
That I am a decent human being.
And if I keep going to her - I'm going to start buying into all this self love.
For the first 64 of my 32 years on Earth, I didn't believe in therapy. I saw it as validating a fear that I might not be as strong as I think I am. That it was embarrassing to need to ask for professional help. I never thought that talking to a stranger would provide much in the way of fixing any of my problems.
But here I am - excited to meet with my therapist.
Which is a really good sign for my future.
Rational Ashley really enjoys the perspective of a stranger. I'm into the fact that it doesn't matter what this human thinks of me - she's truly got no skin in the game. I don't have to put up any societal expectations, she's honestly just there to listen to me. I can say all of the things I think, feel, and fear. And in return, she challenges me to understand the why behind these things without pressuring me to rush into solutions or even accept the root of the issue.
I dig everything about how that allows me the freedom to figure this new world out at my own pace. I also think she can tell I'm a bit of a baby deer in that if you push me to have more than 2 feelings in any given hour, I'll probably just leave.
So - let's get specific.
Right now - we are honestly working on words for feelings. Seriously.
She handed me this list of words to talk about what I feel, what feelings I want to feel, and what things look like when I'm in a good place, bad place - and what I want certain relationships to make me feel.
It's a lot of feelings. And a lot of words.
I had no idea that there were so many words to describe emotions.
But there's also room for lists. And lists man. I love lists.
My therapist really gets me when she starts talking about lists.
As simple as it may seem, being able to look at a list of words to help me communicate what's going on in my head has been extremely beneficial to my everyday mood. Sure, its been a few days, but I find myself slowing down and taking the time to consider what word to associate with what's going on - and identifying those words equips me with how to react to the feeling. And it's giving me better tools to communicate those feels to other people.
I'm not super comfortable with all this emotion and feels and being faced with actively exploring because it's still new and I've still got this stigma that feelings are for the weak, people don't really care about your feelings, and donuts are better than both.
But here we are. In therapy. Lesson 1 at that. It's a lot. But then again, so am I.
Stay tuned...