The Feels

I don't remember the last time I cried. In most cases, it is very easy for me to maintain an even demeanor. I can store away negative emotions for years. Because of this, it is often assumed that I am cold. Harsh. Mean. Selfish. I've been called it all.

The truth is - I feel things very deeply. I internalize most emotions for years. I am highly sensitive to how I make others feel.

I am also really terrible at processing and showing outward emotions to the universe.

The truth us, a lot of people out there process feelings differently. Whether it stem from a need to protect oneself or simply just be the way someone is, it's not easy to be the person who doesn't show a ton of emotion.

I'm an excitable human being. I'm full of energy. For me the issue is I'm unable to process and show the sad/angry/difficult feels. I shut down or I go into problem solving mode.

I always considered this part of me as a great weakness. I've tried to force myself to show emotion when it's considered appropriate to do so. But I can't.

I've brought this inability to show emotions to my therapist and what I've learned is that surprisingly, there's nothing wrong with me. I am not cold. Harsh. Mean. Selfish. And it's not my responsibility to change how I process feelings to make someone else more comfortable.

The real hard hitting truth? There's no right way to process emotions. There's no requirement for how to show emotion. And those of us who do not showcase our feelings in a way that society says they must be shown - are not broken.

And those who do show emotion loudly and frequently - are not dramatic.

Instead of trying to fit people into emotional vs not emotional boxes, try to understand how they process their feelings and why. In order to have a successful relationship (in romance, families, business, friendships) you will need to invest time in figuring out how your people tick. And when you do, validate that their way of operating is important.

For me, the best way to get into my heart, is to tell me you know I have a kind soul and I'm wonderful the way I am.

I'll never be the outwardly emotional human, but I will always be feeling the most internally.

Check in with your people who don't give you all the feels loudly, quite often we are the ones nobody asks about because it is assumed we are okay.

And stop beating yourself up because you experience and express emotions any one way. There's no rules for how to feel. All the world asks is that you do.

Get in your head.

I subscribe to the philosophy that distraction is everything.  As much as I possibly can, I tend to stay out of my own head.  But what that's taught me is that the more I stay out of my own head, the less I understand what's going on in my heart.  So my new motto?  Get in my head.

In order to get in my heart, I've got to get in my head.  Instead of avoiding what's going on and keeping everything together, I've got to commit myself to spending time with myself.

For as long as I can remember, I've been type A - an athlete.  That means keeping everything together and putting up a strong front has been all I've known.  I have always been able to easily compartmentalize issues and continue on with a normal life.  Most people believe my life has just been idyllic, without hard times.  And while I don't care much for how others see me, I do care that I'm able to so easily set aside horrible emotions and issues and pretend they aren't there.  I have learned this doesn't create the healthiest happiest me and it's time to stop.

So how do you get in your head and what's the point?  You get in your head by forcing yourself to connect with what's happening in your mind and how that makes you feel in your heart.  The point is so to become emotionally intelligent and in return, live your best life.

But how do you specifically get in your own head?  You stop avoiding it.  You do things that force you to live in that space.  Keep a journal.  Talk to your friends/family.  Listen to music.  Workout.  Do whatever activity it is that connects you to your headspace.  And record how that makes you feel.  

For example: My aunt recently passed away.  It happened during a time when I was my busiest at work, having some personal life struggles, and was just plain exhausted.  So I ignored how her passing made me feel.  I kept it together and pushed that all aside.  Now that I'm able to slow down a bit - I've spent time listening to how her passing makes me feel.  And it's a lot of things.  I had been suppressing sadness, fear, anger, love - so many things.  Now that I'm recognizing these emotions, I'm dealing with them in a healthy way.  Which will in turn better equip me to manage these feelings in the future.

Getting in your head is about making time to face your thoughts and how they make you feel.  For me, that's a good workout, writing down words in a planner that describe how I'm feeling and then figuring out how you can utilize everything to be more successful each day.  The more emotionally intelligent you can be, the more successful your relationships with yourself, family, friends - even partners will be.  Whenever I'm in a bad place and ignoring what's happening in my head, I tend to be pretty damn awful to myself and even screw up relationships with others.  And that's never what I want.

The world is super big, super scary, and it moves at you pretty fast.  When you take time to get in your head and understand what's happening in YOUR world, it becomes a lot less scary and a lot more exciting.

Things My Therapist Tells Me

My therapist thinks I'm not half bad.

She tells me that I am generally not failing.

That I am a decent human being.

And if I keep going to her - I'm going to start buying into all this self love.

For the first 64 of my 32 years on Earth, I didn't believe in therapy.  I saw it as validating a fear that I might not be as strong as I think I am.  That it was embarrassing to need to ask for professional help.  I never thought that talking to a stranger would provide much in the way of fixing any of my problems.

But here I am - excited to meet with my therapist.

Which is a really good sign for my future.  

Rational Ashley really enjoys the perspective of a stranger.  I'm into the fact that it doesn't matter what this human thinks of me - she's truly got no skin in the game.  I don't have to put up any societal expectations, she's honestly just there to listen to me.  I can say all of the things I think, feel, and fear.  And in return, she challenges me to understand the why behind these things without pressuring me to rush into solutions or even accept the root of the issue.

I dig everything about how that allows me the freedom to figure this new world out at my own pace.  I also think she can tell I'm a bit of a baby deer in that if you push me to have more than 2 feelings in any given hour, I'll probably just leave.

So - let's get specific. 

Right now - we are honestly working on words for feelings.  Seriously. 

She handed me this list of words to talk about what I feel, what feelings I want to feel, and what things look like when I'm in a good place, bad place - and what I want certain relationships to make me feel.

It's  a lot of feelings.  And a lot of words. 

I had no idea that there were so many words to describe emotions.

But there's also room for lists.  And lists man.  I love lists. 

My therapist really gets me when she starts talking about lists.

As simple as it may seem, being able to look at a list of words to help me communicate what's going on in my head has been extremely beneficial to my everyday mood.  Sure, its been a few days, but I find myself slowing down and taking the time to consider what word to associate with what's going on - and identifying those words equips me with how to react to the feeling.  And it's giving me better tools to communicate those feels to other people.

I'm not super comfortable with all this emotion and feels and being faced with actively exploring because it's still new and I've still got this stigma that feelings are for the weak, people don't really care about your feelings, and donuts are better than both.

But here we are.  In therapy.  Lesson 1 at that.  It's a lot.  But then again, so am I.

Stay tuned...

Guts.

My whole life my mom has told me to trust my gut.  For any situation, any experience, any major decision, listen to your gut feeling.

I'm an extremely logical organized individual.  When it comes to feelings, I'm pretty horrible at making decisions.  Because I don't often take the time to figure out how I'm truly feeling - I don't often know what I'm feeling or what my gut says in any situation.  I try to make logic of everything, gather information and to make an informed decision. 

The problem with that is feelings aren't logical.  They often don't make sense.  And when you're not emotionally informed and in tune with yourself - it's near impossible to be able to decipher their meaning.

When I accepted the last job I took, I felt a little off about it.  I don't know why but something told me that I shouldn't take it.  But on paper it was perfect.  It was a step up in title, in salary and would look incredible on my resume.  Within a few weeks of starting that job - I found out I was right, it wasn't the right fit. 

Shortly after moving to Los Angeles, I entered a new relationship.  Again, my gut told me it wasn't going to work.  He's a perfectly good person but the timing, and the mutual effort just wasn't there. But I jumped all in even though I had big hesitations.  It lasted a few months before ending. 

Recently, I've been working on feelings.  I'm trying to actually feel them, communicate them and understand what they mean.  And I've noticed the more I build my emotional intelligence - the better decisions I've been making as a whole. 

It's not easy and I still have to learn to entirely trust my gut, but I'm giving more weight to the gut feelings instead of solely relying on facts.  It's completely foreign to me and terrifying to make important decisions on faith, but its also critical to my growth and my happiness. 

As I'm embarking on my next journey, I'm taking a huge leap of faith and basing my decisions on my gut feeling.  And I've got to say - it's really empowering.  I highly encourage everyone to step outside of their comfort zone and to listen to your gut.  The mind is so very strong, but there's nothing like that feeling you get, that you can't explain, that knew all along what to do.