Angry Birds

I’ve been accused of being angry in my life. Angry at people, past situations, traumas, you name it. The thing is, I’ve never actually been angry about it. But maybe I should be.

A good friend of mine recently described herself as an angry bird. She’s angry at people for treating her poorly. She’s angry she allowed it. She’s angry it took her so long to realize it. She’s an angry, grumpy bird.

And I sort of relate to that.

I’ve never been angry because it’s not a productive emotion. And it’s always felt like a super negative space for me.

My therapist recently spoke about angry as a positive emotion. As allowing myself to feel angry at people and situations.

The thing is, if you’re not allowing yourself to feel reasonable emotions related to things that happen to you, are you really overcoming them? You’ve got to feel it all and process it all in order to move on from it all.

Being angry can also provide a positive shift in what you allow into your world. If you are angry, you can step in and say that you’re angry, you don’t want to be treated that way anymore, and you remove that negativity from your world.

Being angry is ok.

Being angry means to feel something strong and you’re going to do something about it.

Maybe it’s about time you got a little angry.

Emotional Support Human

One of the toughest parts of having anxiety can be the countless times you feel alone. It’s hearing someone tell you you’re dramatic. It’s listening to loved ones tell you it’s not a big deal. It’s having very intense emotions escalated more by the reactions of people who just don’t understand.

I am one of many who have an emotional support animal (ESA). And I have him for the purpose of supporting me when I am overwhelmed by my anxiety. He’s the best distraction and teammate I could ask for. But as much as he helps me, he can’t talk. He can’t relate. A snuggle and a smile are all I’m getting. Dogs are better than humans, but having an emotional support human, that’s a pretty important part of suffering from mental illnesses.

A close friend of mine also suffers from anxiety. She’s a very strong sounding board for me and someone who often is the only one who understands the emotions I’m experiencing. She’s also known me for 20+ years so she’s pretty in tune with who I am. I have now decided that she is my emotional support human.

Obviously an emotional support human is not a thing. But here I am, making waves. An emotional support human for me is someone outside of my standard toolbox of things I use to combat anxiety. I’ve got medication, a therapist, a psychiatrist, an ESA - I’m doing all of the practical things to manage my anxiety. The emotional support human is my person who helps talk me through my anxiety and emotions as someone who gets it. They’ve been through a lot of the experiences I’ve been through and they’re able to relate to the crazy things I often feel.

As with anything, my disclaimer is that you cannot solely rely on an emotional support human to solve your problems. They aren’t a doctor or even an expert. They’re likely just a friend who gets it. Huge fan though of someone who just gets it when the biggest struggle for me as someone living with anxiety is that not a lot of people get it. It’s trendy to have anxiety but very few people actually suffer from it. Sincerely, if you don’t really truly have anxiety, please stop saying you do. It’s like telling people you have a disease when you really don’t.

Human connections matter. They are literally necessary to survival. Feeling like you relate, belong and matter are so important to mental health and thriving in the world. Find the people who get you, support you, and allow you to continue to grow and live your best lives.

She's got an edge.

I’ve always considered my ability to maintain control of my emotions as an edge. I am tough. I am strong. I am stable. I don’t cry. That’s been my edge. The thing that allows me to get ahead is my edge.

One of my greatest fears in going to therapy has been that I would lose my edge. The truth is that therapy has strengthened my edge by honing it into a useful tool.

Because I have learned how to express my emotions in a healthy way without shaming myself for having feelings in the first place, I have only grown stronger. I connect in a real way with the people I love. I find support in the team around me. At work, I am more than just an employee.

Connecting with your inner demons and learning how to manage anxiety does not make me soft. It makes me stronger and more alert than I have ever been in my life.

Your edge is what makes you uniquely you. It’s whatever allows you to be fully present in the person that you are.

Think about that. If you are strong all the time, share nothing, show no feelings - how do you ever form real relationships? How is it a strength if nobody can ever connect with you at your core?

I’ve sort of begun to think of therapy as softening my edges and making them approachable. Instead of being all sharp corners, I’m soft curves for fitting other people into my world. I’ve gotten rid of the spikes to keep people way and put little pockets in their place for things and people to fit neatly into the world I choose to build. And the great thing about pockets? You can empty and fill them up as needed. Because things change.

You don’t lose your edge by being open and seeking solutions to help you in your mental health struggles. You reshape those edges into your best features.

Diary of An Anxious Person, Part 324832

I've avoided an anxiety update for some time now. In therapy I have been spending a lot of time exploring past trauma and understanding how that affects who I am now. And it's exhausting.

I never really understood the concept of emotional exhaustion. For me it has always been easy to push feelings aside and move forward. They have been within my control for as long as I can remember. Even the traumas in my life have been contained to parts of my brain that are locked away.

I'm not sure I've even been aware of the fact that talking about these traumas has caused me to feel them emotionally. I've oddly been able to talk about the trauma (with a very select group of people) in an almost scientific way. I can explain what happened without revealing any emotion. That hasn't changed.

What has changed is the linking of the trauma to the way I am now and the anxieties I allow to control me because of those traumas. I am more aware of why I act or react in certain situations because I'm talking with my therapist about them.

And even more, I'm remembering and revealing situations that were traumatic but that I had buried away. Things people have said to me, done to me, and have treated me that I had apparently simply stored away as a way to cope.

I am now seeing that my fear of small spaces, need to constantly be prepared for the worst (and formulate a plan of action) are a result of experiences in my past.

So when I'm anxious in an elevator, crowd, or near a stranger, I start to think of these traumas and understand why I'm feeling as anxious as I am. And it becomes a spiral. I start to reflect on being attacked or in an active shooter situation when I get those prickles of fear on my neck.

What I've learned is I've never truly talked about those traumas or how they made me feel. And because of that, my body created responses to protect itself. I'm living in a state of heightened awareness and worst case scenario because I've experienced worst case scenario.

But worst case scenario is in fact rare. However, when you store the feelings from those experiences in your brain instead of facing how they make you feel and deal with working through those feelings, you don't allow yourself to be realistic about them. So your body internalizes it and develops a reaction of fight or flight.

And when you constantly deal with situations where maybe you're verbally abused and don't face those abuses head on, you start to believe them. Instead of stopping them in their tracts and saying no, those are not true and not a reflection of me, you allow them to build.

I've got a good 32 years of trauma that I'm only now starting to explore the consequences of. And even dipping a small toe into that world has caused me to become exhausted. I become quiet. Overwhelmed. I shut down. Truly the only person I'm talking to about it all is my therapist. It leaves me drained after each session. But the hope is that I'll eventually learn to process and share these experiences and feelings with the people around me that are so important to my life.

I've shared parts of my trauma here but in all honesty, while I believe in transparency, I don't believe in sharing every piece of me in such a public space. Part of having the honor of keeping an inner circle is keeping certain things to just that circle. Not everyone gets to know me and who I am. I want those important to me to know that they're getting to know the private stories that make me who I am because of how important they are to me.

What that's all caused me to do is experience moments of depression that I haven't had to deal with for a really long time. And that scares me. At one point in my life, a very long time ago, I dealt with very serious depression. So serious that I wasn't sure I wanted to exist in the world anymore. Thankfully, I don't live in that world anymore. I believe in my value and enjoy living. Life, being alive, it's important to me, I love being here. But realizing I have been sad lately has scared me because of that past depression. I'm not even remotely living in a space that I once did. It's more a sadness than a true depression. And thankfully, I know the signs, the triggers and how to bounce back. I also think I have to face that sadness for the traumas in order to move past them. You can't process them without engaging in all the emotional spaces your brain needs to go in order to move on.

Side bar - admitting depression at that level is hard for me, even shameful. But it's a part of my story, a part of my growing and moving on, and it's something a lot of people deal with. I don't want to deny that part of my life, I want to let someone out there facing it know that even the sparkliest, most vivacious people in the world go through things. There's hope, it gets better, and you are worthy of joy.

If I'm scoring where I'm at right now, I'll go 5/10. I'm in a weird space. I find I'm sad sometimes and anxious more often than not. But I don't consider this a dangerous or negative time. I think it's an extremely overdue and necessary space to grow and become better equipped to manage anxiety/depression in the future. You've got to fight for the best parts of your life when you live with mental illness. Unless you're willing to go to the dark and ugly places, you don't ever get to experience the sparkliest and sunniest parts.

I think it's also important to say that just because I'm in a weird place doesn't mean I'm not living my best life. I'm thriving because I'm allowing myself to be in a weird space. I'm putting the effort into have a better tomorrow. And I'm brave enough to share the worst parts of my story because I won't allow them to define the best parts. You don't have to live in extremes of good and bad - you can be happy, confident, engaged, and thriving while still feeling some hard times. It's not a rule that you have to fit into certain boxes to be mentally healthy. It's ok to be equally happy and struggling. The most important thing is to be in tune with what those feelings are, how to manage the hard parts and highlight the good parts.

It's all a balance. It's all a constantly shifting see-saw. You're never going to exist wholly in the highs or lows. Having the tools to manage that see-saw is what matters and how you live the healthiest mental journey possible. Find comfort in knowing we all go dark and we all go light. The best most colorful people allow those times to exist. They sit in them and live in them as much as they can so that they understand how to maximize the world around them. You're not alone. you're not weird. You're you. And that's pretty damn cool.

Words are Ridiculous

Hear me out. I love words. As a writer, my heart pitter patters at the proper use of a really good word.

Words are powerful. They invoke feelings of great joy and devastating heartbreak.

But words are also ridiculous.

I've heard the word slut thrown around a lot lately. And I cringe every single time. Have we not moved past that yet? At the very least its unoriginal.

Slut is such a versatile word. I've heard it used to describe a woman's actions to the way she dresses. The only consistent is that it's meant to be derogatory.

It's 2018. 20-MF-18. Slut doesn't belong in our world. A woman's sex life is hers to choose and subject to not one ounce of judgment from anyone else. How little or how many partners she chooses are hers and hers alone to own.

How she dresses is not a representation of her sexual behavior. When we pretend as such, we walk a very dangerous line of "Well look at what she was wearing, she was asking for it." She wasn't. Not one time.

Women are often THE WORST at using this word, even in a playful way it's just stupid and you've got to stop. If we want the rest of the world to be held to a higher standard, we've got to start with ourselves.

There's a whole list of other words that bother me but today, I'm asking you to curb your use of the word slut.

Women deserve better.

Shame Shame

Society places a lot of stigma around a lot of things. We are made to feel shame and embarrassment around so many things that we go through.

The thing is, if you take the time to talk to people about a lot of the supposedly shameful things you go through, you'll find that they've experienced them too.

So why do we continue to feel embarrassed? Why do we continue to judge others for the same things we often experience?

It's bullshit. And it needs to stop. The only way in which we are going to get it to stop is to confront it, be open about it, and refuse to apologize for it.

Confront

In order to be accepting of others, you must first become accepting of yourself. Cut yourself a break. When you get in a negative head space, stop yourself. Redirect your thoughts. I put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to my career. I'm type A, high achieving and with that comes unreasonable expectations. I've absolutely been fired. I've spent time unemployed. For me, that's always felt embarrassing to say out loud. It's saying I'm a failure and a loser. Realistically, a lot of us have been fired, laid off, and spent time unemployed. That does not make you a failure and certainly not a loser. Every career journey is different, and for the most part, we can look back on those moments and realize they brought us to the success we have today. Quite frankly, I push boundaries, and some companies don't value that, they're not the right fit for me. I realize that being laid off isn't my fault. I know that being fired was simply a difference in personality. Being unemployed forced me to wait for the right fit. And you know what? Today I'm thriving.

Be Open

Talk about the situations that make you feel shame. When you open up to the people in your circle, you're bound to find others that feel the same shame from the same situation. And when you can find others who relate, you can help feel peace with what you're experiencing. You're also able to understand you're not alone. And better yet, you're able to come up with ways to cope. Feeling embarrassed because you're 30 and single? Talk to your friends who are in the same boat. Realistically, they have probably felt a little self conscious too. Explore why you feel that way. Is it because society tells you its wrong? I'm very happy where I'm at in my dating life, and I'm single. But there are moments where I get that "what's wrong with you, you're 32 and single" feeling. When I talk to my tribe about it, I start to realize the only reason I feel that way is because everyone around me is not single. And the more I talk about that, the more I realize other people get the same insecurity yet are also happy with their lives. The more we talk about these fears with other people, the more that movement spreads and we realize the stigma is society, it's not real.

Don't Apologize

Stop qualifying yourself. Don't say I'm single because, I'm unemployed because, etc. Make a statement and leave it at that. Not only do you not owe anyone an explanation, you're furthering the idea that what you're doing is wrong when you qualify the statement. I'm 32 and I don't own a house. So what? I don't need to explain that to anyone. I'm living my life on my timeline. I don't have kids. I'm not married. End of story. When you have to tell people you're living your life the way you are and then explain why, you're giving power to the shameful stigmas that society has created for you. Stop. The freedom that comes with not having to explain yourself to anyone but yourself is the best feeling in the world. It's given me more confidence than I ever thought possible.

Stigmas follow us everywhere. Society has created rules and plans that we are all supposed to follow in order to do what is expected and approved of in the world. The thing is, they're only perpetuated because we continue to give them weight. But when you stop the stigma and create your own rules, you become the most powerful person in the world.

The Feels

I don't remember the last time I cried. In most cases, it is very easy for me to maintain an even demeanor. I can store away negative emotions for years. Because of this, it is often assumed that I am cold. Harsh. Mean. Selfish. I've been called it all.

The truth is - I feel things very deeply. I internalize most emotions for years. I am highly sensitive to how I make others feel.

I am also really terrible at processing and showing outward emotions to the universe.

The truth us, a lot of people out there process feelings differently. Whether it stem from a need to protect oneself or simply just be the way someone is, it's not easy to be the person who doesn't show a ton of emotion.

I'm an excitable human being. I'm full of energy. For me the issue is I'm unable to process and show the sad/angry/difficult feels. I shut down or I go into problem solving mode.

I always considered this part of me as a great weakness. I've tried to force myself to show emotion when it's considered appropriate to do so. But I can't.

I've brought this inability to show emotions to my therapist and what I've learned is that surprisingly, there's nothing wrong with me. I am not cold. Harsh. Mean. Selfish. And it's not my responsibility to change how I process feelings to make someone else more comfortable.

The real hard hitting truth? There's no right way to process emotions. There's no requirement for how to show emotion. And those of us who do not showcase our feelings in a way that society says they must be shown - are not broken.

And those who do show emotion loudly and frequently - are not dramatic.

Instead of trying to fit people into emotional vs not emotional boxes, try to understand how they process their feelings and why. In order to have a successful relationship (in romance, families, business, friendships) you will need to invest time in figuring out how your people tick. And when you do, validate that their way of operating is important.

For me, the best way to get into my heart, is to tell me you know I have a kind soul and I'm wonderful the way I am.

I'll never be the outwardly emotional human, but I will always be feeling the most internally.

Check in with your people who don't give you all the feels loudly, quite often we are the ones nobody asks about because it is assumed we are okay.

And stop beating yourself up because you experience and express emotions any one way. There's no rules for how to feel. All the world asks is that you do.

Get in your head.

I subscribe to the philosophy that distraction is everything.  As much as I possibly can, I tend to stay out of my own head.  But what that's taught me is that the more I stay out of my own head, the less I understand what's going on in my heart.  So my new motto?  Get in my head.

In order to get in my heart, I've got to get in my head.  Instead of avoiding what's going on and keeping everything together, I've got to commit myself to spending time with myself.

For as long as I can remember, I've been type A - an athlete.  That means keeping everything together and putting up a strong front has been all I've known.  I have always been able to easily compartmentalize issues and continue on with a normal life.  Most people believe my life has just been idyllic, without hard times.  And while I don't care much for how others see me, I do care that I'm able to so easily set aside horrible emotions and issues and pretend they aren't there.  I have learned this doesn't create the healthiest happiest me and it's time to stop.

So how do you get in your head and what's the point?  You get in your head by forcing yourself to connect with what's happening in your mind and how that makes you feel in your heart.  The point is so to become emotionally intelligent and in return, live your best life.

But how do you specifically get in your own head?  You stop avoiding it.  You do things that force you to live in that space.  Keep a journal.  Talk to your friends/family.  Listen to music.  Workout.  Do whatever activity it is that connects you to your headspace.  And record how that makes you feel.  

For example: My aunt recently passed away.  It happened during a time when I was my busiest at work, having some personal life struggles, and was just plain exhausted.  So I ignored how her passing made me feel.  I kept it together and pushed that all aside.  Now that I'm able to slow down a bit - I've spent time listening to how her passing makes me feel.  And it's a lot of things.  I had been suppressing sadness, fear, anger, love - so many things.  Now that I'm recognizing these emotions, I'm dealing with them in a healthy way.  Which will in turn better equip me to manage these feelings in the future.

Getting in your head is about making time to face your thoughts and how they make you feel.  For me, that's a good workout, writing down words in a planner that describe how I'm feeling and then figuring out how you can utilize everything to be more successful each day.  The more emotionally intelligent you can be, the more successful your relationships with yourself, family, friends - even partners will be.  Whenever I'm in a bad place and ignoring what's happening in my head, I tend to be pretty damn awful to myself and even screw up relationships with others.  And that's never what I want.

The world is super big, super scary, and it moves at you pretty fast.  When you take time to get in your head and understand what's happening in YOUR world, it becomes a lot less scary and a lot more exciting.

In a Land Far Far Away...

I'm not sure if you've noticed - but I'm horribly terribly most awful when it comes to dating.  I don't know how to function in a world based on feelings.  There is only one romantic situation in which I feel most comfortable:

Long distance.

I know - you think I'm drunk.  Long distance relationships suck.  But to me - they're also not very real.  I can exist in a world of not ever having to truly commit myself to someone because realistically, its' not going to work anyways.  I'm mitigating the emotional risk.  Its strategic dating. 

Before you judge me - let's remember I am in fact in therapy and yes my therapist is aware that I often leave the state rather than simply not date someone.  I'm what you should can call emotionally a nightmare.  They should study me - honestly I half expect my therapist to suggest this soon.

Long distance relationships give me the butterflies of the relationship, but it's forced to go at such a slow pace - from such a distance - that I don't believe it's even a thing.  Hence - there's no real risk, or reason that I've got to push myself emotionally.  I like that.  That's just unhealthy enough to keep my therapist in business for years.

Now half of you are in long distance relationships or really into the fairytale and you're super offended right now.  You're thinking that's not my relationship, mine is successful and healthy and very real.  You know what?  It might be.  Seriously, what do I know?  

But for me - it's a sick balance of what do I do with my hands and please love me.  I don't even know what that means.  It sounded very introspective though.  Can I also clarify that I'm purely speaking to starting relationships as long distance?  If you've known each other and been friends or dated before becoming long distance - that's ideal - that's extra strategic dating and I need you to let me in on that because I think that's where I'm going to find my forever.

This all sounds really cynical, and I've got a surprise for you - I'm openly cynical about the long distance game because it represents everything unhealthy about the way I date.  The underlying evolution here is that long distance relationships have taught me my trigger for unhealthy dating patterns.  

Pay attention - the breakthrough is coming ...

I often choose relationships that are destined to fail.

It took me 31 years to process that dating the guy who isn't nice to me, cheats on me, isn't ready to commit - he's not the guy for me.  But you're 32 - I KNOW, can I finish?  This past year I've spent giving my time and energies to men who are nothing like that.  They're good men.  They're in it for the real deal.

And that's made me suspicious AF.  

I've seen all the bad ones - and I've probably been a bad person to date myself at times - so when you give me a man who shows up and is inherently kind, I'm attracted to him, and he's not in it for himself - I want to know his angle.

Fast forward to where I'm at now.  I have a gentleman suitor in my world who throws me for a loop.  I've known him for a long time.  We've developed as friends and whatever and I'm 75% sure that while we are not in a place to be an us right now - he's 98% real about his feelings and he's not just in it for this flawless bod.

And that's a trip.  We aren't dating.  We are not together -

Still single ya'll, please inquire within -

 - ANYWAYS -

We are absolutely in no way a thing.  He's a free agent (but don't inquire within, get your own).  Because of the nature of the places in life we are right now - I don't necessarily believe it can ever be a thing.  And I think that helps me have a more authentic relationship with him.  I absolutely say the wrong things, I self sabotage, and I'm awkward.  But because I know my triggers, I'm in an extra healthy place to test new me.

Do I secretly hope it could be the real deal one day?  I do.  And that's how I know, as much as I try to play it cool, I'm going to be ok in love.  

I'm aware of my triggers, I'm facing them, and I'm evolving.  And really, in a world where we are all just looking for someone to be weird with - that's all you can hope for.

Things My Therapist Tells Me

My therapist thinks I'm not half bad.

She tells me that I am generally not failing.

That I am a decent human being.

And if I keep going to her - I'm going to start buying into all this self love.

For the first 64 of my 32 years on Earth, I didn't believe in therapy.  I saw it as validating a fear that I might not be as strong as I think I am.  That it was embarrassing to need to ask for professional help.  I never thought that talking to a stranger would provide much in the way of fixing any of my problems.

But here I am - excited to meet with my therapist.

Which is a really good sign for my future.  

Rational Ashley really enjoys the perspective of a stranger.  I'm into the fact that it doesn't matter what this human thinks of me - she's truly got no skin in the game.  I don't have to put up any societal expectations, she's honestly just there to listen to me.  I can say all of the things I think, feel, and fear.  And in return, she challenges me to understand the why behind these things without pressuring me to rush into solutions or even accept the root of the issue.

I dig everything about how that allows me the freedom to figure this new world out at my own pace.  I also think she can tell I'm a bit of a baby deer in that if you push me to have more than 2 feelings in any given hour, I'll probably just leave.

So - let's get specific. 

Right now - we are honestly working on words for feelings.  Seriously. 

She handed me this list of words to talk about what I feel, what feelings I want to feel, and what things look like when I'm in a good place, bad place - and what I want certain relationships to make me feel.

It's  a lot of feelings.  And a lot of words. 

I had no idea that there were so many words to describe emotions.

But there's also room for lists.  And lists man.  I love lists. 

My therapist really gets me when she starts talking about lists.

As simple as it may seem, being able to look at a list of words to help me communicate what's going on in my head has been extremely beneficial to my everyday mood.  Sure, its been a few days, but I find myself slowing down and taking the time to consider what word to associate with what's going on - and identifying those words equips me with how to react to the feeling.  And it's giving me better tools to communicate those feels to other people.

I'm not super comfortable with all this emotion and feels and being faced with actively exploring because it's still new and I've still got this stigma that feelings are for the weak, people don't really care about your feelings, and donuts are better than both.

But here we are.  In therapy.  Lesson 1 at that.  It's a lot.  But then again, so am I.

Stay tuned...