Prior to my recent commitment to therapy, I had in fact gone to therapy in the past. I had even gone on a semi regular basis at one point. But what I now know is that while you can physically go to therapy, unless you're willing to be truly open and honest, it doesn't mean anything.
So while I thought that I was working to find tools for managing my anxiety, I wasn't. I wasn't laying everything on the table and talking about past traumas nor opening up enough to really understand why I have anxiety and what triggers it.
More recently I've opened up to my therapist more than I ever have with anyone in life. And what I've begun to understand is that carrying my burdens on my own only makes my life harder. You cannot outrun your own story. Each experience shapes how you think, act, and feel. And until you start to talk about those things, you won't be able to control your own demons.
As a teenager and into my 20's, I was sick a lot. I was hospitalized, had multiple surgeries, and rarely felt healthy. That time was also when I experienced my greatest traumas and had my most unhealthy relationships. There's a link there I never took the time to understand. Doctors always told me my immune system was the problem. So I believed them. Realistically, what I was experiencing mentally was absolutely affecting how my body reacted physically.
There are numerous studies correlating mental and physical well being. It's not hippie voo doo philosophy, it's scientifically proven that what you think directly affects how your body feels. We see it in serious illnesses and we see it in mental illness. It's fact. Kind of like global warming folks. Stop pretending it's not a thing. It's a thing.
Back to me. The more I grow and take steps to manage my mental health, the more my physical health has responded. I used to get pneumonia/bronchitis every year without fail. The flu was something I experienced multiple times annually. Surgery used to be an annual tradition. I haven't had surgery since 2008. I just got pneumonia for the first time in probably 2 years. The flu? Don't know her. And I am a big believer that unburdening my past, trusting my therapist to help guide me with dealing with those things, has led my immune system to follow. I'm mentally healthier so I'm physically healthier too.
In fact - a month or so ago, when I was struggling with mental balance, I noticed my body was off too. I'm more in tune with this correlation so it's easier for me to adjust my self care to bring back more balance to my body.
For whatever reason, even when we are speaking with experts who's job it is to manage our mental and physical health, we lie. We hold back vital information. We are embarrassed to tell these professionals the entire truth. And that's absurd. Do you really think your doctor and your therapist haven't heard it all? Better yet, how do you expect to get a proper diagnoses with steps to healing if you're not being truthful about what you're going through? I get it, we all fear judgment. But we are all in that same boat. And we all have some weird times in our lives. The good news? Legally, these people have to keep your quirky behavior private. Even better news? Sharing all of that information with a professional, that literally relieves a huge weight from your chest.
I've had so many things to address with my therapist that I think I have held back less out of embarrassment and more out of pure exhaustion. I leave sessions emotionally and physically drained. It's not an easy process to be totally exposed with a stranger. The work and the pressure is entirely on me. She acts as a guide to take me to places I might never have gone to before, but it's 100% my responsibility to do the homework and take the steps to recovering and being healthier in the future.
I can't sugarcoat this part of therapy and living with mental illness. It feels like I haven't slept, ran a marathon, and have 48,000 more assignments to complete before tomorrow. The feeling doesn't pass easily. It doesn't lead me to some moment of clarity where the world gets easier and I'm cured. It's a roller coaster and it always will be. But you do start to notice that things get a little easier. And that your mood becomes more even. Anxiety becomes just a smidge more manageable. It is a quicker recovery when I do have moments of panic.
What I can say is without committing to this complete openness, I wouldn't be able to sustain a healthy life. I would continue becoming sick. I would not live a normal life. I quite frankly would grow worse and worse unless I finally took a stand and said all in or all out.
I understand mental illness is diverse and its not easy. Every story is different. Some harder than others. Some of us don't cope well. It's not your fault that you have this burden to bear.
It is however on you to take responsibility for it and to do everything you can to overcome.
We are all born with (as I like to call them) extra features. They are the pieces that might not be the highlight reel of our stories, but they are nevertheless part of who we are.
You don't get a pass because you're suffering from something. We are all going through something.
I encourage you to figure out what concoction of medicine, therapy, activity, etc that works for you. It's your responsibility to get out there and figure out what your perfect cocktail is and mix it. Nobody ever promised an easy life. The good news is, if you're dealt a difficult card, you've got the opportunity to make it easier.
The choice is yours sequins! Are you going to make excuses or build the tools to succeed?