People are surprised to hear that I'm a people pleaser. When it comes to my friends and family, I crave approval. I go above and beyond to maintain the relationship. When my loyalty, love, or commitment to the partnership is questioned - I dwell on that. It gives me anxiety and I want to fix it. And while I am proud of the fact that I will give my all to my people, I've started to realize how draining that can be - especially when the other people in the relationship don't do the same.
Friendships are work. They're relationships that require time, energy, and emotions. I'm of the opinion that believes in quality over quantity and thus I take the work of friendships seriously. While I absolutely positively suck at phone calls - I send cards and texts and I book the trips to see you. I do my very best to make sure my people know that they are important to me. And I truly value those who do the same.
Not everyone expresses their effort in the same way. Some people love phone calls. Others send gifts. The important part is being able to recognize when your squad is showing you they love you and value your friendship. It's the effort.
As we get older - the level of effort is more evident. Your circle of friends gets a lot smaller. And you're able to weed out the ones who aren't putting in the work.
And that's where I am today. I'm noticing the friends who never visit me - even though I've made countless trips to see them. I'm noticing the friends who make excuses instead of effort. And I'm deciding to match that level of commitment to the friendship.
It's not about who spends more, who visits more, who calls more - it's about doing what you can to show how much you care. If you've got a friend who claims to never have money and yet they find time to fly out to see their boyfriend often - they're showing you what matters more. If you've got the friend who never has time to see you but is always out partying, they're showing you where their time commitment lies.
If you pay attention, people will show you where you fit into their world. I find it unnecessary to have to ask friends to come see you. I think its silly to have to point out that a friend doesn't spend time with you. People make time and put effort into what they value most.
Hopefully you're a deep thinker and realize that life can get in the way and sometimes people aren't showing you that you're not important - they're just dealing with life. They may be getting married, having kids, feeling depressed, moving to a new city - whatever it may be - it's not always a sign that you are not important. But if you've been friends for 10 years and your friends haven't made time to visit you, sure, that can hurt. That can be a sign to step back and save some of your effort for you and other friends.
I think the hardest part of realizing that not all friends put the same effort forth does not mean they don't love you. I always thought fine they don't visit me - I don't need to put effort in either. But that's just not always the case. Because maybe I'm not showing them I love them the way that they value. It all goes back to being self aware. Being self aware allows you to have more awareness of the people that are important to you.
Let's regroup, because that was a lot of messaging and probably a bit of mixed information when you break it down. Bottom line - raise our level of awareness. Decide where to put your effort in based on where you're getting energy from your humans. And most of all - communicate with each other. Show your loved ones what they mean to you and why they're your people. At the end of the day, energy is limited - utilize your moments on Earth wisely.