Greater Expectations

As a follow up to expectations I wanted to talk about how to show people what you expect of them. Something I struggle greatly with is showing people how I deserve to be treated. I think this is a multi step system and I’ve been stuck on step one for 33 years.

Everyone talks about treating others as you wish to be treated. I got that part down. Like I’m really good at being a good human. I prioritize people and relationships that are important to me. I go above and beyond to show people I care. I’m your teammate when you need me. I’m sincerely tops at this part of the whole show people how you want to be treated. If this were a review at work, I would test off the scale in this category. Bonuses everywhere.

The place that I fail and should be fired at is when others don’t reciprocate this treatment, I don’t move on. I’m unsure if nobody shared this with me but if you very clearly show people how you wish to be treated and they do not treat you in this manner, you need to take back your energies and utilize them elsewhere. That shit blows my mind.

If I’m being the most best awesome friend, partner, colleague, mentor - WHATEVER - and it’s not being reciprocated, I need to move on. If you’ve shown someone, told someone, given them time to give you the same energy and care you give them, and they still don’t, that’s on you. They have shown you your worth to them and all you are showing them is that they can walk all over you and you will not leave.

Is this something ya’ll knew and nobody slipped me a memo?

I’m telling you, my world has changed. It’s certainly a struggle, but it’s a huge relief to take back my sparkle and use it on relationships with people who have decided I am worth their same energy. I never realized how much of my time and emotions I allowed to be controlled and drained by other people.

I’ve started to pull away the commitment I’ve given to some relationships and expended that energy on myself and those around me who don’t drain me. And it is wildly fulfilling. I’m less moody, I have more time to enjoy good people, and I am confident because I’m not being dragged down by relationships that don’t spark joy. Yea, back to that whole Marie Kondo Hunger Games edition. It works guys, really really works.

When you think about it, it’s simple. Time is energy. When you put a lot of time into relationships that aren’t creating equal value, the energy is really negative. So a lot of time, a lot of negative equals a lot of not feeling awesome. I think scientifically that’s how it’s classified.

Ultimately people prioritize their relationships based on the value they feel that person brings to their world. If you bring a lot of value and joy to someone’s life, they aren’t letting that go. If they let you go, it’s no knock on you, it’s just not the right human connection for you. Wish them well, let them go, and find your joy.

We should have greater expectations of others, but we should also have them of ourselves.

Ownership

It’s the beginning of the year, the holiday season is over, and it’s me - so I’m going to reflect! I talk a lot of past relationships and dating, but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about me as a partner in the past. Buckle up kids - this is gonna be good.

Growing up, I was really insecure. I’ve been told I came off really confident, so props to me for that fake out when I was constantly unsure of who I was.  

Spoiler alert, when you don’t love yourself, it’s really hard to be successful in loving others.  

I was a really bad girlfriend in high school. I was jealous, played games, and was overall unfair. Back then, I didn’t see it that way, but now I laugh at what a lunatic I was. Ok I get it, in high school nobody knows what they are doing. We all think we are going to marry that person and ride off into the sunset. You can’t tell us anything different because you just haven’t loved anyone like we have. Pause for dramatic storm out.  

Thankfully I grew up. And I found a way to love myself. It’s taken awhile. And it’s not always been pretty. I have pushed people away, been a jerk, but I’ve also been a pretty decent catch.  

What I’ve figured out along the way is that at times when I’m not feeling my best self, my relationship doesn’t go well either. I’m a bad girlfriend because I’m being a bad partner to myself first. 

That’s deep right? Thought of it myself, thanks so much.  

 We spend a lot of time talking about those who did us wrong. Who were bad partners. There are so many fire memes about exes. But do we look at who we were in relationships?

Now if your mate was abusive or an overall POS, this isn’t where you try and look at where you went wrong in the relationship. Forget those people, that wasn’t you. That was them. Love you, mean it.

But chances are in at least one relationship, you might haven’t been the best either. Were you in a bad place? Unwilling to compromise? Unable to communicate? Unfaithful? It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a catch.

Take the time to evaluate who you are in your relationships. The more self aware you are, the stronger you will be as a partner in the future. And when you are aware, you’re more in tune with what you’re looking for in a relationship. End result? You have more successful relationships.

Think about it. How often do you see your friends in bad relationships because they’re unsure of who they are, unaware of the bad partner they’ve been, and unwilling to admit to any of those things? I can think of at least three friends without missing a beat who I know will not have successful relationships until they confront the partner they  are.

I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been too busy, too insecure, too set in my ways. Knowing that now, reflecting on why I was that way, helps me to be a better person and partner now. It also has turned into me making better choices about who I date. When you love yourself and know how you deserve to be treated, you don’t settle for anything less.

Reflecting on painful breakups and relationships that caused you distress is not easy. It’s generally the past we prefer to bury away forever. I encourage you to drag it out anyways. Get really uncomfortable with your dark and stormy so that you can experience your bright and shiny.

You Better Work.

People are surprised to hear that I'm a people pleaser.  When it comes to my friends and family, I crave approval.  I go above and beyond to maintain the relationship.  When my loyalty, love, or commitment to the partnership is questioned - I dwell on that.  It gives me anxiety and I want to fix it. And while I am proud of the fact that I will give my all to my people, I've started to realize how draining that can be - especially when the other people in the relationship don't do the same.

Friendships are work.  They're relationships that require time, energy, and emotions.  I'm of the opinion that believes in quality over quantity and thus I take the work of friendships seriously.  While I absolutely positively suck at phone calls - I send cards and texts and I book the trips to see you.  I do my very best to make sure my people know that they are important to me.  And I truly value those who do the same.

Not everyone expresses their effort in the same way.  Some people love phone calls.  Others send gifts.  The important part is being able to recognize when your squad is showing you they love you and value your friendship.  It's the effort.

As we get older - the level of effort is more evident.  Your circle of friends gets a lot smaller.  And you're able to weed out the ones who aren't putting in the work. 

And that's where I am today.  I'm noticing the friends who never visit me - even though I've made countless trips to see them.  I'm noticing the friends who make excuses instead of effort.  And I'm deciding to match that level of commitment to the friendship.

It's not about who spends more, who visits more, who calls more - it's about doing what you can to show how much you care.  If you've got a friend who claims to never have money and yet they find time to fly out to see their boyfriend often - they're showing you what matters more.  If you've got the friend who never has time to see you but is always out partying, they're showing you where their time commitment lies. 

If you pay attention, people will show you where you fit into their world.  I find it unnecessary to have to ask friends to come see you.  I think its silly to have to point out that a friend doesn't spend time with you.  People make time and put effort into what they value most. 

Hopefully you're a deep thinker and realize that life can get in the way and sometimes people aren't showing you that you're not important - they're just dealing with life.  They may be getting married, having kids, feeling depressed, moving to a new city - whatever it may be - it's not always a sign that you are not important.  But if you've been friends for 10 years and your friends haven't made time to visit you, sure, that can hurt.  That can be a sign to step back and save some of your effort for you and other friends. 

I think the hardest part of realizing that not all friends put the same effort forth does not mean they don't love you.  I always thought fine they don't visit me - I don't need to put effort in either.  But that's just not always the case.  Because maybe I'm not showing them I love them the way that they value.  It all goes back to being self aware.  Being self aware allows you to have more awareness of the people that are important to you.

Let's regroup, because that was a lot of messaging and probably a bit of mixed information when you break it down.  Bottom line - raise our level of awareness.  Decide where to put your effort in based on where you're getting energy from your humans.  And most of all - communicate with each other.  Show your loved ones what they mean to you and why they're your people.  At the end of the day, energy is limited - utilize your moments on Earth wisely.