The Easiest Relationship of Them All

Growing up - I was a people pleaser.  I never really knew who I was, who I wanted to be, or what I stood for.  So when it came to friendships, I put in a lot of work because I wanted to be liked and I craved having the inner circle that I saw those around me so easily obtaining.  For about 30 years of my life - I have thought that friendships were about putting in the same work you would in a romantic relationship.  And that's left me feeling really drained in a lot of my friendships.

Over the years I've matured, discovered who I am, and I've cut out the friendships that don't provide me any positivity.  But I've still got some growing to do in the area of choosing which friendships to invest in and which to let go.

One of my soulmates recently told me that friendships are the easiest relationships we have.  They are the only relationship that we get to choose because they enrich our lives.  You cannot choose your family and they are not easy to simply walk away from.  And when you're invested in a romantic relationships you cannot (or should not) be easily able to cut that out of your world.  But with friendships - you can truly say this person brings me happiness and I want them in my life.  If they don't, I will release them from my space.

I don't know why I found that so enlighteningly simple.  And I don't know why I've never seen friendships in this way.  I don't know why I'm 32 years old and still allow friends into my world who don't make it a better place.  

Maybe all of you are reading this and you're thinking I'm absolutely out of my mind.  That you've known this for years and you're out there balancing the best friendships and braiding each other's hair as we speak.  But I'm an OCD, type A, bleeding heart and I have a daily struggle between who to cut from the team and who to get matching tattoos with.  I've been told that for being someone who hates feelings and comes off cold at times - I'm a child with stars in her eyes who refuses to believe anyone is anything but inherently good.

Wake up Silva - life isn't all glitter and rainbows.  People aren't all good.  And they aren't all worth my time, energy, or sparkle.  Being able to break down who I commit my awesome soul to should be as easy as who makes me happy.  I should be able to be selfish with where I direct my attention.  And I should start 32 years ago. 

My takeaway for today is to remember that life and relationships are complicated.  Friendships should be simple.  If someone is not adding positivity to you universe, subtract them.   

Squad Goals.

I'm 31.  And for some reason I think that makes me old and wise.  Like 95 and lived it all old and wise.  Because of that - I like to share my knowledge with ya'll as if its the law of physics. 

Today, we will learn about #SquadGoals.  For those of you not as hip as me - the squad is the friendship group you keep.  I'm actually not sure if the kids are still saying squad, but they should. 

At 21 - the squad goals revolve around being seen with the coolest people, knowing the right people who can get you free table service and really just being seen at the right places.  It's a lot of work to maintain that lifestyle and the squad is ever changing due to drama and the hierarchy.  One wrong move and you're demoted to a less awesome squad and really what else is there to live for?

At 31 - the squad goals revolve around being with the most positive real people, knowing they've got your back, and being with people you can sit on your couch getting wine wasted with and feel at ease. 

I'm a really big fan of squad goals at 31.  I'm already an anxious person - I don't need to be worrying about where I stand in the squad, if I've been seen enough on a weekend, and who I need to suck up to in order to stay relevant.  Now let's not get it twisted - in my day I was really good at the free table service, doing the celebrity pro athlete casual "I hang with so and so" thing (vomit), and always the last one to leave the party - but today - I am not that person - and I love that.

My squad now is what makes me a better person.  They're teaching me its ok to be vulnerable.  They call me on my bullshit.  They support me fiercely.  These are the people that are my family.  And they're worth more than a night at the club at the best table any day of the week.  I think the even cooler thing is a lot of these people knew me at my 20s hot mess (but still sparkly) phase and they still think I rock. 

At 31 - I want stability.  I crave loyalty.  I thrive on positivity. And the people I consider my squad embody these things.  They're the realest of the real and I couldn't want anything more. 

My squad consists of the people I sit on the couch with drinking wine and pinteresting with.  They're the people who know I need Taco Bell sometimes and as disgusting as that is - they're in the passenger seat ordering tacos for everyone.  They're the friends who know I am 100% down for brunch but don't ask me to go somewhere at 10PM because I'm already in my onesie snuggling my puppy.  And they are the best humans that can tell when I'm not ok and force themselves on me because they care that much. 

Squad Goals at 31 are my cheerleaders, my judge and jury, my perfectly imperfect people I could never live without.  Maybe we aren't the coolest (lies), the most on the scene (Is the dog park a scene?), or hanging out with celebrities (right, like they can even compare) every night - but we are real and doing our best in this world to just figure it all out.  And when you've got a good gang to do that with - that's true #SquadGoals.

You Better Work.

People are surprised to hear that I'm a people pleaser.  When it comes to my friends and family, I crave approval.  I go above and beyond to maintain the relationship.  When my loyalty, love, or commitment to the partnership is questioned - I dwell on that.  It gives me anxiety and I want to fix it. And while I am proud of the fact that I will give my all to my people, I've started to realize how draining that can be - especially when the other people in the relationship don't do the same.

Friendships are work.  They're relationships that require time, energy, and emotions.  I'm of the opinion that believes in quality over quantity and thus I take the work of friendships seriously.  While I absolutely positively suck at phone calls - I send cards and texts and I book the trips to see you.  I do my very best to make sure my people know that they are important to me.  And I truly value those who do the same.

Not everyone expresses their effort in the same way.  Some people love phone calls.  Others send gifts.  The important part is being able to recognize when your squad is showing you they love you and value your friendship.  It's the effort.

As we get older - the level of effort is more evident.  Your circle of friends gets a lot smaller.  And you're able to weed out the ones who aren't putting in the work. 

And that's where I am today.  I'm noticing the friends who never visit me - even though I've made countless trips to see them.  I'm noticing the friends who make excuses instead of effort.  And I'm deciding to match that level of commitment to the friendship.

It's not about who spends more, who visits more, who calls more - it's about doing what you can to show how much you care.  If you've got a friend who claims to never have money and yet they find time to fly out to see their boyfriend often - they're showing you what matters more.  If you've got the friend who never has time to see you but is always out partying, they're showing you where their time commitment lies. 

If you pay attention, people will show you where you fit into their world.  I find it unnecessary to have to ask friends to come see you.  I think its silly to have to point out that a friend doesn't spend time with you.  People make time and put effort into what they value most. 

Hopefully you're a deep thinker and realize that life can get in the way and sometimes people aren't showing you that you're not important - they're just dealing with life.  They may be getting married, having kids, feeling depressed, moving to a new city - whatever it may be - it's not always a sign that you are not important.  But if you've been friends for 10 years and your friends haven't made time to visit you, sure, that can hurt.  That can be a sign to step back and save some of your effort for you and other friends. 

I think the hardest part of realizing that not all friends put the same effort forth does not mean they don't love you.  I always thought fine they don't visit me - I don't need to put effort in either.  But that's just not always the case.  Because maybe I'm not showing them I love them the way that they value.  It all goes back to being self aware.  Being self aware allows you to have more awareness of the people that are important to you.

Let's regroup, because that was a lot of messaging and probably a bit of mixed information when you break it down.  Bottom line - raise our level of awareness.  Decide where to put your effort in based on where you're getting energy from your humans.  And most of all - communicate with each other.  Show your loved ones what they mean to you and why they're your people.  At the end of the day, energy is limited - utilize your moments on Earth wisely.