Shrink Your Circle

Growing up and for far too long in my 20’s, I had a really large circle of friends. No new friends was not a concept to me. I wanted to continue to expand my circle as large as possible so that I always had something to do. Shit was exhausting.

I think or a lot of us, our 20’s are for fun and adventure. I had the best time and did all of the things. All of them. And I loved it.

But I’m 33 now (34 next week!) and I’m tired. I want to do more meaningful things with more complex people.

Lately as I’ve cut back my circle of friends, I realized that for someone who has prided them-self on not being a people pleaser, I sure cared a lot about not disappointing others. I worried about disappointing people by not making time for them, I stressed about saying no to plans - I wanted to hang onto relationships that no longer served me.

It is going to be awkward to end friendships. It can bring on tough conversations that don’t make you feel good. But it is essential to do so in order to save your sanity. In a lot of cases, you can really Irish exit the friendship. And that’’s my kind of ending. But in other cases, you’ll have to be blunt and have the conversation.

We all know I have anxiety. I’m high strung. I’m a dweller. So keeping people in my life who cause me stress, that’s a really unhealthy way to live. My life is already a daily struggle of “why can’t I be calm and cool” so it’s critical to cut off the unnecessary stress - like people.

I’ve talked about this before, and I think I made a sort of effort to it, but recently I’ve sincerely committed to it. I had been so unhealthy for so long in allowing other people to have too much control over my well being that I was either going to break or make a change. I chose to change.

And it’s been nothing but magic. The people that love me know when I pull away for a bit, it’s just because life is happening. The people that aren’t my circle, welp, they start to understand they’ve gotten the boot.

You are the CEO of your life. You owe it to the success of your ‘business’ to hire, fire, and promote accordingly.

Great Expectations

I have really high standards for myself as a human being. What I have discovered is that not everyone else lives by those standards. For awhile I lived by trying to be more understanding of others who do not meet my expectations. At 33, I’m not playin anymore.

I have reasonable expectations when it comes to those closest to me. When I spent time to try to lower my expectations, I was disappointed every time. I simply cannot expect less. It’s not for me.

So I’ve started pulling away from people who don’t step up to meet my needs. I’m asking for the basics - to be treated with respect, be valued, and be given the time and energy I give to others.

It’s been quite the journey. I have had to start first with myself and stop extending the extra energy to those who do not meet my give. As someone who doesn’t know how to do anything half way, it’s been trying to say the least.

The idea of showing people how I deserve to be treated never sunk in like it has in recent. I always understood it as go the extra mile regardless. But when those around me do not meet the level of investment I have in them, I walk away. Ok it’s kind of a slow crawl right now.

The people who truly value me, they’ll make the time to step up. Those who don’t notice or who do not step up, well, the situation works itself out. That speaks volumes in and of itself.

I’ve been told by many people that I can’t expect so much of others and quite frankly, those are people who don’t expect enough of themselves. I’ve met people who meet my energy, care, and commitment to others. Those are my people. Those are the people I deserve. And that’s where I’ll be investing my sparkle energies.

If you’re the type who likes minimal involvement and minimal effort, I’m not the friend for you. And that’s ok. The whole point of this piece is to say whatever you give, make sure you get it back. Whether that be a deeply connected relationship or a passing acquaintance - match the energies. Give and get, it needs to fill up your bucket or let it go.

Match vibe for vibe, ya dig?

People should have expectations. I have a lot of them. I think that society could use a whole lot more expectations in order to keep us accountable. That’s probably a whole other blog for a whole new day in all honesty.

Bottom line people? You give what you get, you get what you give - make sure whatever that connection looks like - it doesn’t leave you empty or wishing for more. You deserve to feel like you matter, because you do. Don’t let anyone tell you that you expect too much, some people, they are not enough.

Friendship Bracelets and Pinky Swears

I'm not a very good friend. 

Now I'm sure that my best friends will disagree (hopefully) but I can explain. 

I'm always there for you when you need me. I'll check on you when you're hurting.  I will never let you fall.  I'll be your biggest cheerleader. I have your back every step of the way. I will tell you I love you every chance I can. And I will make sure you know how wonderful you are. You will never feel unloved by me.  If you're on my team, I've got you.

But I'm not a good friend because I don't expect the same of you.  I don't allow you to know when I am hurting.  I don't tell you all of my problems.  I push you away. I don't call like I should. I don't ask you for help. I don't tell you when you've hurt my feelings. I don't allow myself to be a good friend.  To give the same vulnerability to you, that you give to me.

I know I've got issues. And I can list them out in a neat little color coded document. And the biggest one is that I am too independent.  I don't rely on anyone for anything.  I don't allow myself to show emotions. I never ask for help. And it all makes me a bad friend. 

Last summer I went through a lot. And eventually I broke down and told a good friend about some things going on in my life.  She was shocked. Not by what was happening but that I was opening up and breaking down.  She told me that I never ask for help. That I always seem ok. That I never seem like I need anyone.  That I'm my own one woman show. 

And that shook me up. Really messed with my mind.  Because she wasn't wrong.  She was in fact very correct that I express my love and loyalty so well to my friends but don't ever allow them into my heart or mind.  

Now in the last year I've gone through a lot. And I've opened up about it to some but I haven't put the effort in to keep the communication up. I haven't kept opening up to them and strengthening our bond.  Without my commitment to doing so, the relationships start to fall off a little.  And then I get really sad.  I start too feel like maybe I'm not valued as much in the squad.

But that is simply not true.  I am very important to my people.  And they love me very much.  Which brings me back to - I'm not a very good friend.

How do people know you feel left out if you don't tell them?  If you never take the time to talk on thephone, how do you expect people to call you?  If you don't show people that you have feelings and need to feel supported too - how do you expect them to ask if you're ok?  The point is - I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to friendships. 

And it only took me 31 years to figure it out. 

As always - I'm about solutions and making myself a better person and not letting the good life pass me by. 

So here's what I'm going to do:

Call Myself Out on my Own BS

I'm going to stop making excuses, stop being a bad friend, and focus on recognizing when I'm being my own worst enemy.  I'm going to stop making excuses, and start taking an active role in my responsibility as a friend.

Make the Effort

I'm going to talk on the phone more.  I'm going to do the random texts.  I'm going to be vulnerable with the people that I trust the most.  And I'm going to go all in.  I've got a small squad but they are the absolute best there is.  I need to show them that I trust them and value their support.

Commit to Going All In

Lastly, I'm going all in.  I don't need to hold back or worry about how my friends will judge me.  I also need to worry less about being a burden and realize that friendships are based on mutual need. 

Friendships are hard.  And being a good friend is about more than being there for your humans.  It's about being able to trust your people enough to open up and allow them to be there for you too.

Peace Man.

The key to any relationship - romantic, friendly, even the relationship with yourself - is forgiveness.  In order to gain peace of mind and live a truly happy life - you have to learn to forgive and be at peace with whatever that means.

The ultimate goal in life should be to obtain peace.  Peace within your relationships internally and with those around you.  To feel a sense of comfort, safety, and trust in the world and those around you.  And that means learning to forgive people and situations even if they don't have the outcome you hope for.   

As the biggest control freak out there - I relate to needing things to fit into certain categories and reach certain conclusions.  But that's not realistic.  It's impossible to have definitive conclusions and closure to every situation or relationships.  Being able to recognize that, accept it and neutralize your emotions with that - are the best skills you could ever have.

I had a friend I'd known for 20+ years.  Since we were the tiniest of children.  As we continued o grow up the relationship began to stress me out more and more.  But I never actually took the time to understand why or communicate that to her.  When I finally understood why I felt the way I did and spoke up - she wholeheartedly disagreed.  She felt very differently and it ended our relationship.  It took me a really long time to accept that there's no right and wrong in that situation.  And neither of us was going to understand the other or make a change.  At the end of the day, there's no resolve.  

Today - I am able to understand we grew into two different people.  the relationship became something that wasn't working.  I now understand I can't plead my case or change the way she feels. I accept that I can't change her feelings.  And I feel at peace with the fact that it is what it is.  The only thing I can do is focus on what is best and healthiest for me.  What brings me the most peace.

A lot of learning to be at peace, to embrace the calm and neutral space inside you is learning to get to know YOU.  It's understanding your feelings, being confident in who you are, and learning how you best fit into the world around you.  

Digging deeper - confidence in yourself, who you are and where you exist in your space are truly the most critical characteristics you can have.  Taking the time to be truly in tune with what makes you who you are, the good and the bad, gives you such an advantage in life.  Know your triggers, know where you thrive, and be able to love you for all of those things.

Feelings are my least favorite things in the world.  I've existed for 31 years with the tactic of ignoring emotions and it's all coming back to hit me smack in the face.  The ability to have feelings, understand feelings, and communicate those feelings - I'm certain that makes you some kind of super hero.  But seriously, having the awareness to know when you feel good, when you need a minute, and how to reset yourself to neutral is the ultimate level of zen.  Harness that ninja skill and use it to save the world.  

Learning where you fit - this means combining your confidence and awareness and choosing people and environments that help you maintain those qualities at a high level.  It's realizing if you're triggered by loud and opinionated vibes - you maybe don't become my friend.  It's knowing the type of situations and people who make you feel the most alive.  They challenge you in a way that makes you feel growth but not so much that you feel bad about who you are.  

Peace of mind is internal.  It's working on all of these components to set yourself up for success.  And then it's using those tools to help you understand how someone else feels, accept the situation for what it is, and find peace in it even if you don't find a solution to the situation.  

Find peace and find that next level of living your best life as your best self.  And then you #SparkleOn

Squad Goals.

I'm 31.  And for some reason I think that makes me old and wise.  Like 95 and lived it all old and wise.  Because of that - I like to share my knowledge with ya'll as if its the law of physics. 

Today, we will learn about #SquadGoals.  For those of you not as hip as me - the squad is the friendship group you keep.  I'm actually not sure if the kids are still saying squad, but they should. 

At 21 - the squad goals revolve around being seen with the coolest people, knowing the right people who can get you free table service and really just being seen at the right places.  It's a lot of work to maintain that lifestyle and the squad is ever changing due to drama and the hierarchy.  One wrong move and you're demoted to a less awesome squad and really what else is there to live for?

At 31 - the squad goals revolve around being with the most positive real people, knowing they've got your back, and being with people you can sit on your couch getting wine wasted with and feel at ease. 

I'm a really big fan of squad goals at 31.  I'm already an anxious person - I don't need to be worrying about where I stand in the squad, if I've been seen enough on a weekend, and who I need to suck up to in order to stay relevant.  Now let's not get it twisted - in my day I was really good at the free table service, doing the celebrity pro athlete casual "I hang with so and so" thing (vomit), and always the last one to leave the party - but today - I am not that person - and I love that.

My squad now is what makes me a better person.  They're teaching me its ok to be vulnerable.  They call me on my bullshit.  They support me fiercely.  These are the people that are my family.  And they're worth more than a night at the club at the best table any day of the week.  I think the even cooler thing is a lot of these people knew me at my 20s hot mess (but still sparkly) phase and they still think I rock. 

At 31 - I want stability.  I crave loyalty.  I thrive on positivity. And the people I consider my squad embody these things.  They're the realest of the real and I couldn't want anything more. 

My squad consists of the people I sit on the couch with drinking wine and pinteresting with.  They're the people who know I need Taco Bell sometimes and as disgusting as that is - they're in the passenger seat ordering tacos for everyone.  They're the friends who know I am 100% down for brunch but don't ask me to go somewhere at 10PM because I'm already in my onesie snuggling my puppy.  And they are the best humans that can tell when I'm not ok and force themselves on me because they care that much. 

Squad Goals at 31 are my cheerleaders, my judge and jury, my perfectly imperfect people I could never live without.  Maybe we aren't the coolest (lies), the most on the scene (Is the dog park a scene?), or hanging out with celebrities (right, like they can even compare) every night - but we are real and doing our best in this world to just figure it all out.  And when you've got a good gang to do that with - that's true #SquadGoals.

You Better Work.

People are surprised to hear that I'm a people pleaser.  When it comes to my friends and family, I crave approval.  I go above and beyond to maintain the relationship.  When my loyalty, love, or commitment to the partnership is questioned - I dwell on that.  It gives me anxiety and I want to fix it. And while I am proud of the fact that I will give my all to my people, I've started to realize how draining that can be - especially when the other people in the relationship don't do the same.

Friendships are work.  They're relationships that require time, energy, and emotions.  I'm of the opinion that believes in quality over quantity and thus I take the work of friendships seriously.  While I absolutely positively suck at phone calls - I send cards and texts and I book the trips to see you.  I do my very best to make sure my people know that they are important to me.  And I truly value those who do the same.

Not everyone expresses their effort in the same way.  Some people love phone calls.  Others send gifts.  The important part is being able to recognize when your squad is showing you they love you and value your friendship.  It's the effort.

As we get older - the level of effort is more evident.  Your circle of friends gets a lot smaller.  And you're able to weed out the ones who aren't putting in the work. 

And that's where I am today.  I'm noticing the friends who never visit me - even though I've made countless trips to see them.  I'm noticing the friends who make excuses instead of effort.  And I'm deciding to match that level of commitment to the friendship.

It's not about who spends more, who visits more, who calls more - it's about doing what you can to show how much you care.  If you've got a friend who claims to never have money and yet they find time to fly out to see their boyfriend often - they're showing you what matters more.  If you've got the friend who never has time to see you but is always out partying, they're showing you where their time commitment lies. 

If you pay attention, people will show you where you fit into their world.  I find it unnecessary to have to ask friends to come see you.  I think its silly to have to point out that a friend doesn't spend time with you.  People make time and put effort into what they value most. 

Hopefully you're a deep thinker and realize that life can get in the way and sometimes people aren't showing you that you're not important - they're just dealing with life.  They may be getting married, having kids, feeling depressed, moving to a new city - whatever it may be - it's not always a sign that you are not important.  But if you've been friends for 10 years and your friends haven't made time to visit you, sure, that can hurt.  That can be a sign to step back and save some of your effort for you and other friends. 

I think the hardest part of realizing that not all friends put the same effort forth does not mean they don't love you.  I always thought fine they don't visit me - I don't need to put effort in either.  But that's just not always the case.  Because maybe I'm not showing them I love them the way that they value.  It all goes back to being self aware.  Being self aware allows you to have more awareness of the people that are important to you.

Let's regroup, because that was a lot of messaging and probably a bit of mixed information when you break it down.  Bottom line - raise our level of awareness.  Decide where to put your effort in based on where you're getting energy from your humans.  And most of all - communicate with each other.  Show your loved ones what they mean to you and why they're your people.  At the end of the day, energy is limited - utilize your moments on Earth wisely. 

Valentine's Day

Traditionally, Valentine's Day is amazing for people in relationships and National Singles Awareness Day to others.  Whether I'm dating someone or not - I LOVE VALENTINES DAY!

Certainly it's a Hallmark holiday.  And in reality its not to be taken very seriously.  But a day dedicated to love, shiny things and chocolate is a day I'm happy to celebrate!  I also highly value February 15th when all candy is 50% off. 

Whatever your relationship status - I'd like to change your perspective on the day of love and challenge you to think about it in a new way.  It should be fun and it should be exactly what it stands for - a day to celebrate love.

 I want you to think of valentine's day as a day to celebrate all relationships.  Romantic, family, friends, anyone you value in your life (I highly value the guy who delivers my Amazon Prime shipments, he gets a valentine!).  And I want you to include your relationship with yourself in that day.  Choose to celebrate love for all of those people. 

Now Valentine's Day is after all at its most basic - a Hallmark Holiday meant to encourage spending.  Instead of elaborate gifts, choose to create gifts from the heart.  Think back to when you were a kid and the fun cards you gave to everyone and little conversational hearts you handed out to classmates.  Make Valentine's Day about true care again.  Write a card, handout the old school candy hearts,  frame your favorite photo, cook for your special people.  Whatever you do - don't make it about stuff.  Make it about the heart.

So no matter what your romantic situation - don't let that define what a day of love means to you.  It's absolutely ridiculous to let a day define your value to yourself and others.  If all else fails - be your own Valentine.  Treat your damn self if you should so choose.  Just remember to be thankful for the love in your life, because that's what every day should be about.  Not the things, the love and the people who light up your world. 

And if you are in a romantic relationship - don't let the day become about gifts and grand gestures.  Celebrate each other and the life you're building together.

At the end of the day - Valentine's Day is pretty freaking awesome.  A little extra love and cheesy positivity never hurt nobody!

Honesty is the best policy?

I'm not the friend you come to when you want some sugar with your honesty.  I've never been good at dancing around delicate conversations.  If I truly care about you, I'm going to give it to you straight.  Because in my mind, honesty is always the best policy when it comes to friendships.

That got me to thinking - how do you prefer your friendships?  With a little bit of cream and sugar or straight up with a twist? 

I'm straight up, with a twist and an extra shot of 151 in the straw.  While I'm sensitive to the feelings of my people, if you're being really negative, creating drama and bad situations for yourself, or in a woe is me circle of sadness - I'm going to call you on it. 

Now I'm sure that may people find me harsh.  And I'm not sure I can disagree.  But my blunt honesty comes from a place of wanting to help and because I love you.  At the same time, I can't help but think my closest friends come to me specifically for this reason - because if you know me, you know this is what you're going to get.

I'm genuinely a positive, problem solving, easy to bounce back person.  I've gone through my fair share of hardships and unpleasant times and sometimes I'm sad.  The difference is that I minimize the time I spend in that negative space.  Very quickly I make the decision to actively change my mood so that I can change my situation. 

When I have friends who spend too much time and energy in a bad mindset, I will call you out.  And if you're acting in a way to invite drama or negativity into your world, I will call you out.  If you're looking for someone to commiserate with, to tell you that life is meaner to you than others and you have a right to be bitter, I am not that friend.  And I don't want you to be that friend either.

I will allow you time to grieve, to be angry and to blame the world.  Just as I am allowed some time to experience those feelings too.  But then I'm going to expect you to actively participate in changing your mood and your life and I fully expect you to do the same for me.  Because without honesty in relationships, there's no real bond.  And the more I grow older, the smaller my friendship circle becomes.  I don't want the big group of acquaintances, I want my real tried and true family who keeps it real and is fiercely loyal. 

Maybe I am too harsh and could use a little sugar coating.  But I believe that life is too short to spend large amounts of time in a bad place.  The more positive energy you put out there, the more you get back.  If you choose to live in a negative place, that's the life you get back.  And that's not someone I want to spend my time around.  So if you're my friend and you're thinking - man - she's kind of blunt, think about why.  And think about how you act, because maybe you're the one who needs a shift in your sparkle.  Life is too short for me to allow anyone or anything to dull my bubble of sparkle.