For a Season

Since I was a wee sequin I had a really weird relationship with friendships. I’m intensly loyal and a team player. I truly thought that it was on me to make friendships work for life or there was some shame if you didn’t stay friends with someone. I also thought if a friendship wasn’t working I had to have some serious sit down conversation with that person to talk it out. For me, I have trust issues. I hold a lot inside. When I share parts of me, I fear that if a friendship ends, someone is going to use that against me. Or share my personal secrets with the world. A whole mess of issues right?!

At 35, I have finally figured out that’s all shit.

Friendships should absolutely be invested in. But let me let you in on a little secret — most friendships are for a season.

And sometimes shitty people do share your personal secrets. But that’s not on you. Those are shitty people.

But if we are very lucky, we will have a friendship or two that lasts a lifetime. Mostly though, friendships evolve as you do.

It took me far too long to get completely comfortable with myself, to evolve into the real me, and to genuinely be happy with who that is.

I’ve evolved greatly since I started making friends - OBVIOUSLY. As anyone should. As everyone should.

Specifically in 2020 I did work to better myself. To address my traumas and to not let anyone but myself decide who and what matters to me. My greatest influence is now ME.

Add on top of that and everything that 2020 was, I really took a hard look at what my values are, who shares those values, and who gives me life versus who drains me.

And I started to phase out the people who don’t match my values or that drain my energy.

Early on I had a bit of a blow up with a really close childhood friend. I’m talking 25+ years of friendship. She really deeply hurt me and we spent time apart. I truly thought the friendship might be over. To me, it was worth the conversation to explain how hurt I was. This person has been there through a lot of phases of my life and is important to me. She took time, I took time and she came back and stepped up. I can tell I matter to her and she values my friendship enough to put the work in. We have more real conversations. If anything, I think its going to make us stronger.

Then COVID hit in March, and with that came restrictions and tough choices that a lot of us have had to make. Then racial tension hit an all time high and more tough choices had to be made.

2020 has been a year that people really had to step up and prove they are the values they talk about. People have really had to show up and take a stand. If not with their words, with their actions.

I’ve watched a lot of people I thought would hold to their values completely disappoint me. And while I have spoken up to many, a lot of these folks aren’t open to listening or seeing the selfishness of their ways. They don’t get it. They really think because you can do something means it’s ok. They don’t even consider the affects on others. The awareness isn’t there. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Who you are is who you are in hard times. It’s who you are when tough choices have to be made. How you react at that time, that’s who you are.

My values don’t align with those people or those choices. I’m also not one to sit back and avoid the conflict by smiling and faking my way through it. 2020 has been some serious shit. I plan to be on the right side of history. If anything, I am ashamed I haven’t done more before. That won’t happen again.

So I distanced myself from some friends. Because my energy is bigger than sitting in the comfort I could so easily choose. I’m moving to a new phase and that means some friendships will slowly fade away.

I’m proud of myself for that. I’m proud that I didn’t need the conversation. I didn’t need the big dramatic anything. I’m proud that for me, it’s about just moving on and recognizing that some friends are for a season.

I think its important to know that we are also seasonal friends for our friends. I’ve changed a lot in the past few years, 2020 more than ever. And who I am now doesn’t align with the pahses of life some of my friends are in. And that’s ok.

Being able to acknowledge that some friendships are for certain seasons in life is critical to growing up. It’s a bit sad it took me this long to understand that.

What I understand now is there is nothing wrong with me and there’s not really necessary anything wrong with these friends. It’s just understanding that friends you gravitate to serve a purpose for you at that time in your life. And the relationship works for you both until it doesn’t. And that’s ok. Priorities change. Values can change. Sometimes those values are put to the test and not everyone is willing to live those values they talk about.

It matters that I continue to prioritize my own values and needs in friendships. That I don’t allow outside noise to cloud my judgement or influence my emotions. It’s been life changing so far and I refuse to go back.

And If you are lucky enough to have some friends that you know will last a lifetime (I am so grateful to have a few of you!), apprecaite that. Feed those relationships. They are your soulmates. You should also apprecaite the friends you have for a season. They’re valuable and they helped you become who you are, for better or worse. But also understand and respect that some friends are for a season for a reason. Wish them well and continue on your journey.

The coolest thing about life is that we get to meet and be part of so many people’s lives. Even if only for a brief time, you impact the lives of others and they impact yours. That’s pretty damn magical.

Thankful in 2019

It’s time for my annual Thanksgiving post! This year I am thankful for fierce female friendships.

It’s no secret that I am a passionate feminist. Truly we all should be. Equality is important and women empowering women, that just gives me all the feels.

I’m thankful for the women in my life who are showing me that I’m a strong, loyal, loving, kind, and fabulous person. I’m thankful when they support me without judgment. I am thankful when they call me out when I’m not giving my best. I am thankful they love me fiercely always.

I’ve never been one to trust easily. I am much more a independent human than I am with a pack. But I am also extremely loyal and identify strongly as a team player.

Having women in my life who show me that I can trust them, come to them when I need help, and that they’re on my team too - that’s something that I never knew I could have.

This Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for you my fierce female squad. You absolutely know who you are and I just love you so much for showing me that women can be anything, everything, none of the things, whatever we want to be. You are my team, my family, and I am forever grateful for you.

Happy Birthday to ME!

I am 34 today! Which seems wildly old and wildly young all at the same time!

I love a good celebration of birth. Since I was a wee sequin, I really got on board with celebrating birthdays to the max. I just love a good day of sparkles and happiness and focusing on me!

It’s also such a fun way to reflect on the year before, the year ahead, and all that entails.

This year was completely unexpected. I left Texas to move back to Northern California to work in an entirely new industry, entirely new role, and to a job I didn’t even apply to. I was actively looking for a new role, but to be recruited by one of the biggest brands in the world was both terrifying and flattering all at once.

I sincerely had no idea what this year would bring and no expectations on this life change.

It’s been all the things. A blessing, a challenge — and all of the in between too. I don’t know if staying in the Bay Area is really the best fit for me long term, but for the first time, I do feel like I’m with a company I want to stay with long term.

Personally, I’ve worked harder than ever before to commit to therapy, actively put myself before work, and get out of my comfort zone with travel/friendships/relationships.

I actually struggled a lot with feeling “old” and having to fit into societal norms of what that means, something I never really thought I’d struggle with. But 34 seems like a weirdly better age than 33? I don’t know why and I realize that makes no sense, but neither do I.

34 feels like it’s going to be a freaking cool year because of all the possibilities in life. I’m traveling more, I’m going after the next step in my career at Google Cloud, and I’m saying yes more to the things I need to be healthy and happy.

Age is just a number, but I’m an athlete. And to us, numbers are everything. They’re the wins, the loses, the identity - the truly define our world. I’ll never grow out of identifying numbers with positives and negatives.

So for 34, I’m giving a cheers to me, myself, I and all the adventures to come! How lucky am I to be in a place that all my dreams are not only possible, they’re something I can see in front of me?

And for those of you who know that every year on my birthday I check something off my bucket list, I’m spending the day in a true spa day! I’ve never been able to manage the financials nor the time of a spa day but this year, I am making that happen!

Shrink Your Circle

Growing up and for far too long in my 20’s, I had a really large circle of friends. No new friends was not a concept to me. I wanted to continue to expand my circle as large as possible so that I always had something to do. Shit was exhausting.

I think or a lot of us, our 20’s are for fun and adventure. I had the best time and did all of the things. All of them. And I loved it.

But I’m 33 now (34 next week!) and I’m tired. I want to do more meaningful things with more complex people.

Lately as I’ve cut back my circle of friends, I realized that for someone who has prided them-self on not being a people pleaser, I sure cared a lot about not disappointing others. I worried about disappointing people by not making time for them, I stressed about saying no to plans - I wanted to hang onto relationships that no longer served me.

It is going to be awkward to end friendships. It can bring on tough conversations that don’t make you feel good. But it is essential to do so in order to save your sanity. In a lot of cases, you can really Irish exit the friendship. And that’’s my kind of ending. But in other cases, you’ll have to be blunt and have the conversation.

We all know I have anxiety. I’m high strung. I’m a dweller. So keeping people in my life who cause me stress, that’s a really unhealthy way to live. My life is already a daily struggle of “why can’t I be calm and cool” so it’s critical to cut off the unnecessary stress - like people.

I’ve talked about this before, and I think I made a sort of effort to it, but recently I’ve sincerely committed to it. I had been so unhealthy for so long in allowing other people to have too much control over my well being that I was either going to break or make a change. I chose to change.

And it’s been nothing but magic. The people that love me know when I pull away for a bit, it’s just because life is happening. The people that aren’t my circle, welp, they start to understand they’ve gotten the boot.

You are the CEO of your life. You owe it to the success of your ‘business’ to hire, fire, and promote accordingly.

Get a new table.

A friend posted an article on Facebook the other day that had me clapping in my living room. The article talked about finding a table to sit at where you’re not worried about being the topic of discussion in a negative way. And never in my 33 years of life have I related to anything more.

For reference, here’s the article. It’s a quick read that leaves you clapping and cheering for the wonderful author.

The whole point is that if you’re sitting at a table and the conversation revolves around judgments, criticism, and negativity - when you get up, guess who that’s going to be aimed at? YOU. It means if you’re with a group of women who like to gossip, chances are you’ve been the topic before. A lot of us grow up thinking that is normal. That women just gossip and that’s the way we are.

It’s not. If that’s the table you’re at, leave. Ger a new table and new friends. Immediately.

Life is too short to spend time with people who don’t respect you enough to be your biggest cheerleader. Your friends should be empowering you to be your best self. They can keep it real with you, but they should not be bringing you down.

Bottom line - if you’re at a table that’s bringing the negativity, leave. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, leave. And find you a table that’s willing to support you fiercely. If your tribe isn’t lifting you up to believe you can do anything, dump them. Dump them now. move on, and move on fast. And don’t you dare look back!

Life is a team sport

Everything in life relates back to sports. Nothing makes me more sure of that than experiencing the overwhelming support from friends, family, colleagues - even acquaintances as I’ve been open about my life journey.

And nothing has been made more clear to me than the idea that life is a team sport. You cannot get through life without a team.

Yet in America, we are very much living under leadership that tries to show us it is every white man for himself. What has thankfully come from that is a large group of people who refuse to be anything but compassionate for others. That’s where I’m currently moving each and every day.

The older I get, the more I see our country promote hate and divisiveness, the more I want to be patient, loving, caring, and engaged in life as a teammate.

What does it mean to be a good teammate in life?

Look, I cannot teach you how to care about other people. We shouldn’t have to show you a bunch of graphs and evidence as to why you should care. There is no help for the people who do not understand caring about other human beings matters.

This is for the people who care.

Being a good teammate is leading from a place of compassion. It’s thinking about life as an ecosystem that requires diverse entities in order to survive and thrive.

It means not operating from a place of greed. It means knowing you can have it all and more, so maybe helping someone else with the more that I have would be a really great thing to do.

It’s giving support to people who might need it more than you.

It’s saying I don’t know your struggle but I support you in going through it and being brave enough to share it.

It is acknowledging that we are all different, yet all equal in our value as a human life.

For me, it’s finding more patience and less judgement for others. It’s listening to their stories, hopes, dreams, and fears and simply saying I hear you. And it’s finding a way to help whenever I have the capacity to do so. It’s admitting I am privileged and while I don’t owe anyone anything because of that, I have the opportunity to be an ally for those who do not share my privilege.

I challenge you to figure out what you can do to be a better teammate in the world and work towards that. We can’t all make it if we don’t work as a team. Life ain’t fair, that ain’t your fault, but it ain’t worth the ugliness to pretend it’s every man for himself.

Look, maybe it isn’t important to you to be a good human. Maybe you don’t think helping others is a priority. That’s between you, yourself and your maker.

All I’m saying is, being on a team works for everyone. It’s the best way to leave people and this Earth a better place.

Proud Mama

While living in Texas, I met a woman who who would change my life. She has become one of my closest friends and I consider both her and her family, my extended family. They became people that I knew I could turn to in Texas and I’d have a home to go to, which is really important to me. Texas never felt like my home but these people did.

I grew up in California and while my family I would say is more middle of the road in their belief system, Californians by nature are generally more left than right.

My Texas family definitely leans a lot more Republican in every sense of the system. They’re right of the middle.

And yet our differences are the perfect example of how to exist in a happy place of having different political beliefs but agreeing on a lot of the important social issues. More importantly, these are people that I know I can have respectful open discussion with and truly learn from each other.

Before I left Texas, my friend and I made a deal - I would go to her church with her if she promised to vote in 2020. Little did I know, she would begin a journey of committing herself to becoming more informed, educated and aware of the world around her in a way I had never planned on.

I want to make it clear, it is never my goal to change anyone. I think it’s important to have open dialogue in a supportive environment without judgment, but ultimately with the goal of informing, not changing. I don’t have everything figured out, I’ll never pretend to, but I want to share my experiences and views to encourage others to think differently.

That’s what she has done. She is the perfect example of staying committed to her deep faith but understanding that her faith doesn’t give her the right to control others or push that belief on others. She speaks passionately and is an incredible example of her Christian faith without being pushy. I greatly respect her ability to commit to her religion on this journey while expanding her horizons in the political and social space.

Abortion is generally frowned upon in Texas and in Christian religion. She is not a proponent of abortion and never will be. But she has recently come to understand that just because she would not choose that for herself, does not mean she has the right to tell someone else what to do with their own body. And I could cry.

I am a proud mama because she made that decision for herself. She researched, she talked to people, and she said this is what I believe and what works for me but I want to respect other humans in this world.

At work, she’s figuring out ways to be inclusive. Out of work, she’s reaching out to ask my opinion on current events and to clarify things she doesn’t understand. I don’t know the answer every time, but having her trust me enough on this journey means the world.

I write all of this to say, be more like my friend. No matter what “side” you are on, or what your belief system is, we could all stand to be more open to discussion, committed to educating ourselves, and care enough to put ourselves in the shoes of others. She is everything this world needs right now and inspires me to continue to challenge myself to think differently.

Greater Expectations

As a follow up to expectations I wanted to talk about how to show people what you expect of them. Something I struggle greatly with is showing people how I deserve to be treated. I think this is a multi step system and I’ve been stuck on step one for 33 years.

Everyone talks about treating others as you wish to be treated. I got that part down. Like I’m really good at being a good human. I prioritize people and relationships that are important to me. I go above and beyond to show people I care. I’m your teammate when you need me. I’m sincerely tops at this part of the whole show people how you want to be treated. If this were a review at work, I would test off the scale in this category. Bonuses everywhere.

The place that I fail and should be fired at is when others don’t reciprocate this treatment, I don’t move on. I’m unsure if nobody shared this with me but if you very clearly show people how you wish to be treated and they do not treat you in this manner, you need to take back your energies and utilize them elsewhere. That shit blows my mind.

If I’m being the most best awesome friend, partner, colleague, mentor - WHATEVER - and it’s not being reciprocated, I need to move on. If you’ve shown someone, told someone, given them time to give you the same energy and care you give them, and they still don’t, that’s on you. They have shown you your worth to them and all you are showing them is that they can walk all over you and you will not leave.

Is this something ya’ll knew and nobody slipped me a memo?

I’m telling you, my world has changed. It’s certainly a struggle, but it’s a huge relief to take back my sparkle and use it on relationships with people who have decided I am worth their same energy. I never realized how much of my time and emotions I allowed to be controlled and drained by other people.

I’ve started to pull away the commitment I’ve given to some relationships and expended that energy on myself and those around me who don’t drain me. And it is wildly fulfilling. I’m less moody, I have more time to enjoy good people, and I am confident because I’m not being dragged down by relationships that don’t spark joy. Yea, back to that whole Marie Kondo Hunger Games edition. It works guys, really really works.

When you think about it, it’s simple. Time is energy. When you put a lot of time into relationships that aren’t creating equal value, the energy is really negative. So a lot of time, a lot of negative equals a lot of not feeling awesome. I think scientifically that’s how it’s classified.

Ultimately people prioritize their relationships based on the value they feel that person brings to their world. If you bring a lot of value and joy to someone’s life, they aren’t letting that go. If they let you go, it’s no knock on you, it’s just not the right human connection for you. Wish them well, let them go, and find your joy.

We should have greater expectations of others, but we should also have them of ourselves.

The Buddy System

With the high rates of depression and suicide in the news these days, the world has been encouraging each other to check up on people around us. And to really do it. To say “hey, are you ok?” and listen to that answer.

The more we show up for each other and truly listen to what we are saying, the more we are able to say “I’m here for you.” That’s a really powerful thing. We live in a time where people are more connected than ever but feeling lonelier than ever.

It’s also really easy to get caught up in our own lives. We are all busy trying to survive and thrive and that’s ok. It’s ok to know when you really need to be in the zone and focus on yourself.

Here’s what I’m finding though: when my team checks on me, I feel more accountability to check in with myself. It also forces me out of whatever hermit life I’ve sometimes sunken into and encourages me to engage. When people ask me how I’m doing and honestly want an answer, my heart grows times ten. I feel valued, respected, and heard.

The people in my life have really shown up for me in a buddy system way lately and I’m so grateful for it. I have lived so long as the one you don’t check up on. The one everybody knows is going to be ok. And while that may be very true, it does not mean I don’t struggle. The more my humans show up for me, the more I want to open up and share my life with them. It makes me feel safe, something I don’t often feel when it comes to sharing my life with others.

The point is, show up and create a buddy system. We all struggle. We all need that check in once in awhile to get through the dark times. Work with your inner core to get the phone tree going. Never let your people feel alone. Find a way to spend 5 minutes each day saying hey, I’m here for you, whatever you need.

Often times people don’t want to ask for help, or don’t know how. They may even beg off support. But we all need it. Whether that be delivering meals, sending a text, sitting with someone in silence, find a way to show up. Showing up is what matters.

Think of it like being a little kid. You had to have a buddy who you were responsible for. Ya;ll had to stick together and get each other through the day. This is what you’ve been training for. Stick with that buddy and get them through the day.

Relationship Goals

I freaking hate the idea of relationship goals. You know what my relationship goals are? They're to love myself and have a healthy confident relationship with me, myself, and I. I'd also like to have strong, happy, reciprocal relationships with the people I love around me.

Social media is a highlight reel. It's like Sports Center Top 10 for couples. And I find the couples that aren't in the healthiest, happiest relationships, are the ones posting relationship goals style content the most often.

Relationships are not easy. They're not perfect. When I hear a couple talk about never fighting, I know that couple isn't in a healthy mature place. People fight. Being monogamous takes work. To never disagree, fight, or struggle in your partnership, that's just not realistic.

To that end, its certainly every person's right to post whatever they want on the socials. It's truly nobody's business what you choose to share with the world. Your relationship is yours to put in the world however you see fit.

But I'm a human being. And you're annoying AF when you're out here pretending your love life is rainbows and unicorns when I damn well know your shit is one argument at Taco Bell away from completely imploding. And it is my business if you're sharing those pieces with me but fronting for the rest of the world on Facebook.

In my 20's I shared alllllll of my relationships on social media. I was young and in love and proud of whatever moment I was in. But I'm an adult now. And I know, that for all the times my romantic life seemed like a fairy tale, it certainly wasn't. From the abusive boyfriend who other women gushed about as being a dreamboat, to the one with the drug problem who seemed like a hero, there were flaws. Again, mine to share as I saw fit. But what I've learned is that the healthiest relationships are the ones you rarely see on social media. You catch a photo, a cute tag, but there's not that incessant need to say "look at how happy we are."

The less time you spend posting about your relationship, the more time you spend actually being in the relationship. If you're truly happy and developing a strong partnership, you understand the importance of that existing in the privacy of your personal world.

And for the women (and men) who constantly feel like they're not measuring up to the relationship goals of celebrities and their own friends - remember, what you see on social media, that's a show. It's carefully crafted, controlled content chosen because of the feeling it gives the person posting it. Whether that be genuine joy or compensation for something that's not measuring up, don't buy into the very small picture you see.

Relationship goals are a hashtag, and we all know those don't stay relevant long.