Peer Pressure

The other night I was watching the Sex & the City of the millennial generation - The Bold Type! It features the journey of 3 best babes working at a women’s magazine in NYC. It’s love, sex, friendship, life - all set in today’s times.

The episode revolved around the idea of that in between space that exists in the world of sex and dating that isn’t sexual assault but it’s a form of peer pressuring someone into doing more than they wanted to. The example in the story line (give or take a few colorful details) was two friends who were leaving a party and the male told the female it was too cold to walk home so he asked to stay at her place. She made it clear she didn’t want to engage in anything sexual but during the time they were at her place she felt guilted (new word, you’re welcome) into hooking up with him for a myriad of reasons.  The woman wrote an article on the culture of pressuring women into sexual experiences like this and whether or not the guy in the story is in fact a bad guy. And that sparked a lot of debate in my mind.

I’ve absolutely been there. And I’m not sure I ever really thought about it as anything but a grey area that I probably wouldn’t have engaged in sober or in a different situation, but I did it because I was drinking, felt bad, felt like I owed the guy, etc. etc. Yet today, I’m not sure I identify those men as bad men. I don’t respect them as much as I would a truly consensual partner, but I wouldn’t call them predators.

On the other hand, I think there’s something to be said for pressuring someone into any sexual encounter as a really not okay thing.  It’s pretty damn obvious when someone does not want to take something any further. Whether they say so, seem hesitant, it’s pretty damn simple to ask are you sure or walk away. Pressuring someone and then going through with it knowing you’ve done so, that’s pretty disgusting.

And 'I’m not just putting this on the men. This can happen truly from either gender but I hear about it a lot more within my community of women. There are countless examples of “I felt that he wouldn’t like me anymore if I did’t” or “I didn’t have anywhere else to stay, I thought I owed him at least that." or the “He bought all my drinks.” We all have those stories. Chances are, you also never thought about them as a man who took advantage of you but you may have felt icky about it.

The more and more I think about it, the more I review my past situations, the more I do identify it as really wrong. Fessing up to it as such and working to be better moving forward is a really critical part of the change.  

Like a lot of incidents of sexual assault, sexual harassment, etc. I think this all boils down to needing to have more open dialogue with each other. You might not intend to be harmful, but intent doesn’t equal outcome. Train yourself to have the tough conversation about consent. To consider how the other person is feeling before you move forward. Peer pressure doesn’t necessarily make you a bad guy, but it doesn’t make you a good one either.

Millennials

There seems to be a trend of late in which the world wants to blame Millennials for everything.  We are lazy, emotional, expect too much - the list goes on.  Here's the thing world - Millennials are also innovative, aware, and efficient.  Fine, we will take credit for the Kardashians - and I apologize for that - but to blame us for the world's problems is a bit dramatic.

Technically a millennial is anyone born from the 80's to the early 2000's.  Can we agree that's a really broad spectrum of ages?  That's a group that started with Nokia face plates and then a group who doesn't know what life was like before iPhones.  So many things changed within that 20+ year time period, that this millennial name cannot possibly define all of us born during the specified time.  Personally - I don't relate to being a millennial.  I think of anyone early-mid 20s to being in that millennial age group and I'm more of an old and cranky millennial.  Like I'm into a healthy lifestyle but I don't want to talk about my feelings.  

Regardless - for all intensive purposes - I'm labeled a millennial.  And that's fine, it keeps me young.  And I even relate to a lot of the characteristics that define this generation.  I'm for being mindful of the environment, I'm about speaking up and being woke when it comes to political and social issues, and I'm into a work life balance that is mindful of who I am as a human being.  And I'm also offended when those old people blame us for the decline in chain restaurant success, call us lazy because there aren't any jobs, and who consider us freeloaders because many of us live at home.  

Let's get one thing straight - this generation is a compilation of the politics, fiscal state, and beliefs of the generation before it.  That's kind of how it all works.  One generation votes a certain way, sets the fiscal state, and creates pop culture trends that don't take full effect until much later.  So the fact that we are still struggling to find jobs, buy homes, and are defined by technology - is a direct result of the choices of the generation before us (Generation X).  We show up as adults in the world that we had no real hand in creating - and we are using the tools we have to survive and thrive.  And a big part of millennial culture is that we realize the things we do now are going to directly affect the next generation.  We are mindful hat we need to take care of the environment.  We fight for the rights that we will probably never fully receive in our lifetime because we want future us to have those rights.  We don't eat at Buffalo Wild Wings because small business are more important to us than corporate America.  

Fine - I'll give you technology and social media.  We are thoroughly addicted to our toys and we have trouble putting them down.  I'm old school and agree with Generation X - we should put down our phones and laptops and talk to each other.  But I also love that we are a generation of pushing the limits of what technology can achieve.  We connect people in ways they've never been able to communicate before.  We save lives through medical advances that would never happen without the tech nerds out there.  And we created a food delivery service so that you never have to choose between Netflix and pizza (angels among us ya'll).

What else?  We are too sensitive, especially in the workplace.  This is harder to refute because honestly - I don't think the workplace is for feelings.  But I also appreciate that the workplace is learning that people are human beings and life happens 9-5.  For me this is less about being in tune with the emotions of your employees and more understanding that jobs demand a lot and people give a lot to the companies that employ us.  I find it very fair that an organization should have respect for that - within reason.  If I need to go to the doctor on a Thursday at 2PM, I'm going to do that.  If I need to work from home one day because I've got someone working on my kitchen, that should be okay.  It's less about feelings and more about treating employees as adults.  And in turn, if your employee cannot act like an adult, they don't deserve to be working at your company.  

Oh yes - we are lazy and really bad with our money.  First - we did not invent debt.  The state of the economy from the crash of the 2000's is where I think debt really took off.  So chill, because we weren't old enough to cause that.  We have debt because education hasn't been a reasonable cost since the 70's.  Tuition costs more than a home.  But without that education, we don't get the good jobs.  But by the time we get the good job, we are thousands and thousands in debt.  And there we have the cycle.  We aren't lazy.  We have more costs, less opportunity, and have to work twice as hard to get a decent job that barely covers the bills we have because education and healthcare were not made a priority.  Nobody is saying we work harder than Gen X.  Nobody is claiming life is harder.  But we are saying - it's an uphill battle from the time we show up to undergrad until we are able to break even at 65.  We aren't lazy - we're out here doing the best we can with what we are given.  The fact that we complain about these things is not because we believe none of them should be our problem.  We complain because we want a better future for our kids, because we know the work that goes into barely surviving in 2017.

Stop blaming millennials for the worlds problems.  Stop calling us lazy, too sensitive - blah blah blah.  Consider that you were us once.  You were dealing with what the generation before you put out into the universe and while our struggles may be different - it all boils down to one thing: we are all doing the best we can with the cards we are dealt.